Marital Counseling and the Kids

You know, my husband and I have tough moments and then, we do go to counseling.

And our son, who is almost 7, knows this. Not because we've said "Daddy and Mom are having a rough time with each other and so we are going to see someone to fix this".... but more like this:

"You know, just like when you and a friend might disagree on something and maybe a teacher will help you? Well, Dad and I are best friends, and even best friends sometimes get stuck and *we* need help from another grown up to figure out the best way to solve the problem. It's really nice, because (counselor's name) listens to both of us, and then he helps us make a plan which works for both of us. It's pretty great that we can get help, because then we can solve the problem."

This is part of our ongoing conversations with Kiddo about what marriage *should* be and is an extension of our own values and what we want to pass onto Kiddo so he has a realistic expectation of life and options. You DO want your kids to feel that counseling would be a good and viable option when they are adults, not something shameful or to be avoided or a sign of personal failure. And not arguing in front of the kids can also be misleading over the long haul-- relationships ARE hard sometimes. Kids need to grow up seeing both the disagreement (and the adults need to "fight fair" here) as well as the resolution. THAT is the reality of marital relationships. We disagree on some things and can even discuss it rather heatedly, come to conclusions or agreement and express that even when there are disagreements, we still love each other deeply and respect each other.

If your daughter has anxiety, do you think some of this might stem from the unspoken tension between you and your husband? I know that when my husband and I are 'off', Kiddo can sense it. Could you just tell your kids "you know, sometimes when things feel tough for you, you can ask a grown-up to help. So, Daddy and I were thinking that we'd like to find some better ways to be a happier family and we have started asking another grown-up named (counselor's name) to help us figure thing out. It's pretty neat that there are grown-ups who know how to do that for other people-- in fact, it's actually their job. And if you have any questions, it's okay--you can just ask us. We both love you kids so much, we really want everyone to feel good and be happy."

Keep it simple--- you don't say how old your kids are. I will say this-- if kids are sensing something is wrong, but not knowing that any attempts are being made to make things right or that you and your husband ARE committed to making things better, this can be stressful. Maybe you want to go back to the counselor once more before talking to the kids-- go back with an open mind and ask what SHE thinks would be the benefit of disclosing this information, and what sort of phrasing she might use. In our case, our son knows that mom and dad are a deeply committed team and that we want to solve our problems. I think, in an age when divorce is SO prevalent, we want to give him the message that relationships aren't easy, they do take work, and that we are willing to do that work to keep our family strong and solid. That's a reassurance, at least in my book.

(I should add that my mom has been married 5 times, so I know how stressful the 'not in front of kids' arguments and tension is. It IS there. Even if you don't do think they know... they know. )

How do you know your relationship issues aren't adding to your daughter's anxiety? Arguing is not the only way children feel tension in the house. In fact I believe in many cases it's what's left unsaid that can be the most worrisome for a kid.

Their imagination about "what's up" could very well be much more scary than the truth. If you treat it like a big deal or a prelude to divorce they will too. If they find out on their own they will assign their own ideas about what seeing a marriage counselor means.

Why not just be open and honest about it? "We are talking to a professional about how to communicate better with each other. We feel like this will help us to be the best parents and spouses we can be."

You're not seeing the connection your therapist wants you to see. You and your husband don't communicate about your feelings, as you've said. You're also hiding these things from your children, which will perpetuate your own issue within them. I guarantee that they know something is wrong, but they are learning to keep quiet and repress feelings instead of asking, it because that is the example you show them.

It's time to get open and honest inside your home, not just in the therapist's office.

I think the therapist may be suggesting that you assume the kids have no idea there is tension. They pick up on a lot, and it doesn't have to be in the form of a fight or a big blow-out argument. They detect unhappiness or stress. They can't put it into words necessarily (usually they cannot) - especially if you and your husband don't express yourselves well to begin with (as you say you do not).

So discussing counseling in an age-appropriate way is very beneficial for kids but also for you - it gets you started on talking about problems with children so that they a) learn how to do that and b) learn that they can come to you, and c) learn there is no shame in working on things. All family relationships take work - spousal, parental, sibling. So giving value to that and setting your kids up to know that there is help available and you aren't afraid to reach out for it is a good thing.

You would be teaching them that problems get worked on before they are at a critical stage, just as you go to doctors for preventive care or smaller problems before an ER is necessary. You go to the teacher for questions, or for extra help - you don't wait for a failing grade. You work out problems with your friends, rather than write them off and have a big blow-out fight. There is a way to "fight fair" and discuss disagreements, and these are skills that can be learned. These are all things that kids will need growing up.

You can work with your counselor on ways to say things to the kids (and maybe you have a different approach with each child), but getting you to talk about difficult things is a first step in being better partners and parents. I'd say, do it. Avoiding discussions is a key problem in your marriage, you say - you and your husband never learned how to do this when you were younger, and now it's taking its toll. Don't perpetuate this with your own kids. I know it's hard, but if you get some help/guidance, and you practice a few times, it will set a stage for better family communication for years to come!

You know, our kids know when my husband and I aren't on the same page. It's painfully obvious. The lack of communication during those times and the difference from our happy normal routine. We don't have to scream and fight in front of them for them to be aware something isn't right.

My husband and I have done counseling twice. The first time the kids were very small, so we didn't tell them. The last time was two years ago. They were 5, 7, and 9. We told them. They asked why the sitter stayed late on Monday's and we told them why. I think they felt better knowing we were having somone help us to work on our communication. There was no fear for them that we wouldn't make it through, even though at times that fear is there for both of us.

So I think you should tell them. It's important for them to learn how to fix things when they are broken, how to move on from tough times, and how to be honest in their relationships as they grow.

I wonder if your daughter hangs on to being anxious because of the tension in the home? A lack of communication can add tension. We walked on egg shells because we did not want to be the cause of the biting remarks, the shouting the picking on each other that our parents did.

I know you are her parent and know her best, but I also know a lot of parents really underestimate what their children can handle.

I was a child of divorce. I knew what was going on. I think it would have helped to have my parents admit early on that they were tired of fighting. That they knew that the way they spoke and treated each other was not something they were proud of and were working on it.

It would have helped to realize they were humans with faults and that went for help when they realized they needed it.

And it would have helped for them to tell me, they noticed that it seemed to be frightened and upset me when they bickered or snapped at each other and they were sorry.

"Sue Hecks" parents act like she is just not a strong person, but notice she is the one always willing to take a chance and put herself out there. She just wants to hear the truth in that family.

But something really is wrong, otherwise you would not be in counseling.

How I read this is: You and your husband do not express your feelings or thoughts to each other. Do your children model this also? If so having all those feelings pent up inside would cause anxiety.

Could it be that your daughter sees that you guys don't argue, but then picks up on the tension between you two? How is she to know what is real? What you present before her or the tension? It would be hard to tell if no one is really expressing feelings.

I would be direct with therapist and ask how telling your daughter about counseling will be beneficial? Let her explain. This may be an opportunity for your daughter to learn tools to deal with her anxiety as well as the rest of the family.

Doesn't hurt to ask, and the therapist may see some other dynamic that is preventing communication that you can't see because you are in it.

Good luck, and Kudos to you for addressing these issues head on!

Also, I dont think anything is "wrong" about this whole situation. You guys just hit a bump in the road and sought outside help to figure out how to navigate around it. Knowing when you need to ask for help is a very very good thing :-).

I'm with your counselor. I have a feeling your communication issues may be partly causing her anxiety, knowing that you guys are working on it might help her.
My kids know I am Bipolar, and they know I go to counseling. When my husband and I were seeing someone, we told them we had some things to work out between us that were personal and someone was helping us do that. They have seen that in both instances, counseling was a good and appropriate thing for us to do.

I'm with you... don't cause a problem where there isn't one. Next time she mentions it, thank her for her concern and advise her again that you two have made a decision already, would prefer not to discuss that again, and you'd prefer to spend your time with her resolving the communication issues.

You know your kids best! Follow your gut.

Your family would probably really benefit from the Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend. It's just 2 days away for you and your husband, but it is the beginning of real communication in a way that you can not only tell your kids you're working on communicating, but involve them in it as well (sometimes). Your marriage and your family deserve it!

I would go with your gut on this one and not tell them until you feel you are ready..if you have to. I was an anxious kid who blindly believed my parents were happy and if they had told me about their issues it would have only made me worry more. I went through my early years feeling like they were solid. They separated and divorced when I was in my late teens and I am grateful that they waited.

The counselor is human. That said...she thinks you should tell them. Why burden them I say? Unless you seriously think this is headed for divorce then why shock them. just sayin

When my brother and his wife decided to get divorced, they made their kids aware about it before hand so, that the kids don't face any problems later. Even the attorney they had hired at Seigman, Starritt-Burnett & Sinkfield, PLLC, was cooperative enough in dealing with the kids and the issues related to them. So, i guess it's important to share this thing with the kids.

I agree with you, I don't think I would tell them. I LOVE the Middle and Sue Heck by the way. Good for you and your husband getting therapy, I think everyone could use help communicating at one time or another. I know my hubby and I should take that step and get some therapy.

You know your children best. There is No Need to tell your children something that may cause them further anxiety.

These are Christian marriage workshop weekends.

These folks are on the radio every day. It's a call in show.
New Life Ministries - Marriage Weekend Workshops
http://newlife.com/newlifemarriageweekend

Family Life Christian radio - the website is a good resource and their daily radio show is enlightening. They interview a lot of interesting people.
Weekend to Remember - look at the testimonies!
http://www.familylife.com/weekend#.UwJ3xfYaSHk

Kids know exactly what is going on, they feel the tension. I would like to recommend a Retrouvaille weekend. It is intense but gets to the root of the problems in one highly charged, emotional weekend. It's pretty tough but it really helped our marriage. Just a suggestion from someone who has walked that road recently. BTW-we did tell our kids but they were preteens and could tell we weren't getting along. I think telling them or not is best decided by you guys. I really wish you the best.

Wouldn't it actually help your daughter's anxiety in the long run to know that it's okay to work on problems? That it's a positive thing?

My husband and I did premarital counseling. We told our kids.