Marital Issues

Hi L.,

I have heard of men getting jealous of there children, its like he got all the attention before the baby came along and now they don't get as much. I have a few things you can try to do...
#1 get a babysitter once or twice a month and have time with you husband alone, go to dinner or a movie or just hang out at home with quite time.

#2 talk to your husband and tell him you need a "family day" once a week and the THREE of you have to do something together. And there should be a "mommy day" so dad can have some free time to do whatever and a "daddy day" so mommy can do whatever (I go get my nails and hair done--or take a bath and hang out in the room and watch tv by myself while daddy is spending time with the baby in the living room) You should have a plan or it just doesn't work out.

#3 tell him that it is important for your son to spend time with his grandparents so no need for jealousy, it builds a good foundation for your son. Our parents live far away and we take time out through the year to visit. We have NO family here at all but its good for our daughter so we suck it up and take the long trip.

Communication is KEY in every relationship and RESPECT as well, its hard when you have a baby--you life and relationships are turned upside down and you have to learn to deal with the new challenges and some times it jeopodizes your relationship but you have to try to work through it and do whatever is best for you and your son in the end but you have to at least try.

Let me know how it goes. C.

Hi L., My name is C. and I have been married for 32 years, so I'm an old timer here. First of all, I have to agree with all of the other ladies here and that is you need to talk to him, just the two of you, so get a sitter and go for it honey. Kids can put a big strain on a marriage because there was just the two of you and now theres three of you and us moms tend to focus on our children and give them all of the attention because thats just who we are. Dads will begin to feel left out and yes, become jealous and tend to distance themselves. May I ask how your marriage was before the baby came, because it sounds like there are alot of issues here. It also doesn't sound like he has a very good relationship with your parents and that could be alot of the problem. He also may feel left out and embarrased because for whatever reason, he can't afford to send you to your parents every two months and his way of showing it is thru anger. If he wants to spend time with your son, no matter if it is to the grocery store to recycle bags, let him because that may be the only time he has and at least they are spending time together. The main thing is to talk to him before this gets more out of hand.
Good luck honey. Marriage is touch on its own, nip problems in the bud before they have a chance to grow to big.
I'm here if you need me. Like I said, I've been at it for a long, long, time and have gone thru alot of problems, so I will be more than happy to help if I can.
C.

Hi L.- Sounds like you have alot going on. You've explained a bit about how your husband thinks of you and how your dad thinks of him, But what do you think of him? I guess now you need to focus on the "meat" of your relationship. #1 Are you still in love with him? #2 Is the way you two relate affecting your son? It's a hard situation. But life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you deserve to be.
Good luck
K.

L.

First of all, your husband is a LOSER!!! I have to say...I am married with one son...17 months old...and My husband does everything with us! It's your baby's time to have fun...and it IS important to do it as a family because your son needs to see a stable family life and a HAPPY one to boot! You seem like you have GREAT parents who care about your welfare and happiness...I say tell your husband to shape up or ship out...you can not tolerate a man's immaturity and selfishness...Your son comes FIRST!!!

Good luck L.! Take care...I'm hear for you if you need to talk.

L. G,

I would be careful about some of the advice already given. I would say that the number one thing is to protect your marriage. I am a child of divorced parents, and I can tell you that it would have been better for me and my brother if my parents had stayed together. My husband's parents are divorced, too, and he would say the same thing. I have frustrations with my husband, but I've learned that focusing on the negative doesn't help anyone. Particularly calling names or nagging just makes things worse! As hard as it is, try to see the good things that your husband does and thank him for that. As a Christian, I pray to God that He will help me to see those things, because I often focus on the negative. It's ok to want to do things as a family, but you may need to talk to your husband about doing these things occasionally, not every time he is home. Being together at home is good, too, like just having a good meal together.

Try to respect your husband. And, hey, I think taking your son with him to run errands is great! It's important for kids to fit into the family. Quality time doesn't have to consist in going special places. Just being together is key. I also think it's good for kids to spend time just with dad and just with mom. Your husband may have his own way of caring for your son, and that's ok. If you think he doesn't think family is important, talk to him about it, but in a respectful way. Disrespecting your husband won't get you anywhere.

Also, in my last bit of advice, go on dates! Often parents of young children focus only on the kids, but you need time to work on the two of you. The thing kids need more than anything is a stable relationship between their parents. Try to be understanding when your husband's tired, though. Dates don't have to be fancy.

Good luck!

E.

L. you poor thing well that is not fair with your husband guess he dont know what it is too do family things together i wouldnt push him no more if i were you i would just take your son and go if he dont want to do things as a family heck with him girlie dont you and your little guy lose out cause of hubby he will regret it himself and i know its not that u dont want him to do anything with your son alone u want to do it as a family sounds like he needs to open his eyes up some i sure hope that you can work through things that is very nice of your dad to send ya plane tickets to go and visit them awesome i would go too and i wouldnt look back lol heck with your hubby if he wasnt such a jerk he would see how precious a family is good luck :)

In the end of you note, you wrote that you are tired of being bored and asking him to take you places. There is no need to wait for him to entertain you! I have found that when I say, "C'mon boys, grab your shoes, we are going to the park," My husband says "hey, wait for me."

I am also one who says you have to try and protect your marriage, but I don't think it is your husbands job to keep you from getting bored. Sometime dad's do need to have alone time with their kids and that is ok, it is their bonding time. Other times, you have to do things as a family and if he does not want to join in the fun, then I would consider having a long talk with him about how you feel.

Also, taking your son to Wegmans to recycle plastic, might be enjoyable for the two of them and it is a great leaning experience for your son about the environment and recycling. Hang in there and try to work around how your husband deals with things. Don't just suggest going to the park on Saturday, get up and take your son, if your husband comes, great, if not keep doing it or other fun things until he gets the point, You can and will have fun with your son with or without him!!

Hi L., My name is Pam. First of all you have to think from his point of view to understand or even come close to understanding. Guys are weird they don't understand a woman point of view it has to come across as if he was to think it. You want him to spend time with the family right so you use your woman persuasion to make him feel needed like for example you want your son to play ball well ask him to teach him to throw like a man cause you shur can't cause your a woman. He wouldn't like if son to throwe like a silly would he you say.
If you want him to go places pick things that would appear to him untill you get him use to going out on outing and than change off. Make it revolve around him dote on him for a while men love attention especially if it about them.

After you have worn him down with your love and attension suggest a good talk not a neg sussession tell him from your heart how you feel and goals you want to meet with him. Than you ask him about what goals he would like to meet with you. Really lisson and reply to them because they are just as important as yours. Well good luck.pam

Think of communication as the foundation of your marriage like a building with out a strong foundation it will crumble. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband about how you feel. You might be surprised to find out how he is feeling. This heart to heart should not be a fighting match it should be two adults discussion their relationship. You both married each other because you were in love, now you just need to find your way back to that and things will work out. Your son need both of you to be doing things with him. When you talk with your husband you need to explain that. Maybe your husband is just plain tired from work and that’s why he does not want to go out. Maybe you could take you son out and at dinner you and your son could tell him all about your day, and that’s how he could be a part of it. If he can not go out with you he should do something every day with your son like maybe have a reading time with him or something like that. Don’t wait till its too late, do something now. I waited too late and never even seen the end of my marraige coming and it still hurts me after 5 years.

coming from a similar experience when my husband and i got to gether i think you should do some investigating and see where exactly he goes with ur son by himself? could there be someone else, be strong and remind him that now you are a family of three not two and all need to spend time together

L.,
I am sorry to hear about your problem and just want to say you will be in my prayers.
Have you two really tryed to sit down and comumicate. You need to tell your husband exactly how you feel.
He may not be jellous of your father but of the baby ...men do go thru this.
Keep on keep'n on and don't give up, family is very important. As I said you and your family will be in my prayers and God will send the solution. Just believe and all will work out.

I am in a similar boat as you. We are living 3000 miles away from our families, but we only can afford to fly home once a year at Christmas. Anyways, my husband is a graduate student and when he is busy, he is busy! Even when he comes home, he isn't really here. I sometimes wish he would just stay at school so it wouldn't seem like I have someone around who might be a productive part of our family. He isn't social and always seems like he has something else he has to do. We are starting his 3rd and final year, and it has taken a lot of work on my part, but he is finally starting to want to do things. Maybe not as much as I would like, but baby steps forward are better than no steps. I just kept making plans, sometimes we kept them and sometimes we didn't, but I still made the effort. It is exhausting and frustrating, but I feel it is what is best for our kids. We have a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. They miss thier daddy, and he is finally starting to see that.

Good luck and hang in there

Hi L.,
Seems to me that there is a deeper issue here. Has it always been normal for you and your husband to not do things together? I think you need to have a heart to heart with him about this. It is very important to be a family "unit". If this is normal for your husband, there may not be much you can do, but you do still need to address the issue with him. Start doing things without him. Take pictures, make sure your son tells him what he did and how much fun he had. That is one of the best things about kids...you get to relieve your childhood. Remember what it was like when you were little. I feel sorry for your husband if can't find enjoyment his family. The jealousy about the plane tickets...that is a man thing. Another thing you really need to discuss with him. I hope you guys have the tpye of relationship that you can "really" talk about these things, because it seems like a downhill road if you can't. I wish you the best and do what you need to do to fight for your family. Your kids will thank you for it later (:
A.

Have you tried telling him how this makes your feel, Family time is very important. Don't not go to these places just because hubby won't, you should go anyway. Go to the park or somewhere that you want and if hubby does not go tell him how much fun it was and tell him how your son reacted the cute little things he did eventually he will want to go because he will realize he is missing out on this little things your son is doing. Don't worry my hubby was the same way, all I had to do was show him that we could be a family with out him and it made him think that he wanted to be a part of us as a family. let me know how it works out I will be thinking about you.