Marriage

H.,
my husband also does not wear his wedding ring for work but I do have to say he almost always wears it when he is not working. I can't say that it is an indication that he is doing something he shouldn't be doing. If this really bothers you maybe you should bring it up to him and let him know how you feel about it. Best of Luck.

?

I'm sorry you are worried about this situation with your husband.

My only advice is that you should probably put your expectations out on the table with him:
-wear your wedding ring: it means a lot to me.
-when you are doing guys' nights, I expect a call once a day.

Those expectations are not unreasonabe. You can present them to him in a very loving way. If he does not know what is important to you, it will be hard for him to meet your needs.

Marriage is hard work...for all of us married gals. But I have found if you simply state what you expect out of your parter, you'll set yourself up for less and less disappointment.

I wish you the very best!

J.

Hummm you are not alone. There are many ladies out there with the same problem. I was one of them until my little ones were born. It was a weird situation---I had two out of wedlock and two after marriage and then due to insurance reasons, we ended up getting married. Yes, we love each other, but the fact that I never recieved a proposal, wedding, ring myself has me doubting everyday,the truth to his love. When we did get married, He didn't even wear his ring until after our twins were born-and that was nearly two years later,and to put the icing on the cake, he never has celebrated once our anniversary in the four years of marriage and 11 years together. so I still remain ringless, and doubtful everyday. As far as marriage---we have our ups and downs like any couples do, but as far as affairs and other relationships, we both can comfortably say our children come first to the point that we don't even go out on dates with anyone (friends or ourselves)! Pathetic I know. I guess it's the small things that matter.
The only thing I could suggest---if he doesn't wear his then don't wear yours. He'll notice and when he says something, then you can tell him---"if wearing your ring isn't important to you and though you know it's something that I wish you respect, then same goes here." Respect is earned. If he doesn't say anything and it's been about 3/4 months, then, I would wonder about his feelings about the marriage.
Guys for the most part- when they do something- they notice, even if it's a ring. Kind of like a trophy thing.

Mother of 4.

I don't wear my wedding ring, and in January, I'll be married 24 years. I had a hand injury several years ago and was left with lymphedema. This causes my hand to swell, and the size of my hand varies. I wear compression garments during the day and wrap it in bandages at night to control the swelling and to keep infection at bay. I tried wearing my wedding ring on my right hand, but it bothers me because I'm right-handed. In fact, I've never worn rings on my right hand, or bracelets or watches on my right arm, for that matter. I also tried wearing my wedding band on a chain around my neck, but in the end, I just didn't like it. I have pretty necklaces, and I want to wear them, not a ring on a chain, which made me feel like Frodo from Lord of the Rings. (I have a plain gold band.)

Now, add to it that I'm an avid camper and backpacker. My husband is not. He tried camping with me, but he truly hates it. So I camp and backpack with other friends when I'm not alone. Most of my camping friends are men, and I've spent many, many weekends -- entire weekends -- in the woods with men. I'm the only woman and I'm not wearing a wedding band.

On the flip side, my husband is a runner, a very serious runner. He competes at Masters events on a national and international level. He loves it. Me, not so much. While I love to see him succeed, I find it incredibly boring to be sitting on the side of a track all day waiting for him to run a 2-minute race. I go to one or two of the biggest events of the year, but the rest of the time he travels alone or with his track club, which includes a fair number of women. These women have amazing bodies, too, since they run all the time! It happens that my husband does wear his wedding band all the time, but it's not a requirement in our marriage.

So how many red flags just went up in your mind when you read that? I admit it's way out of the norm. If I had a dollar for every person who's said something to my husband like, "You LET her do that?" or "Aren't you afraid she'll cheat on you?" or who have said to me, "Aren't you afraid he'll 'run' around on you with those women in his track club?" The two of us laugh at those comments.

Why do we laugh? Because we trust and love each other. And we also respect each other as individuals. We are not joined at the hip because we are married. We don't need the ring to show we're married. Marriage is in the heart and the mind.

Because we love each other, we want to encourage our individual interests and passions, as well. I love the outdoors, my husband does not. He would never ask me to give that up. I could never ask him to give up his running. It's such an important part of who he is.

So, I don't think the ring issue is the biggie for you. Of course your husband works with dangerous equipment when he's working. Loading and off-loading equipment on trucks with a ring on could cause him serious injury. He spends a lot of hours working, so it's easy to forget or fall out of the habit of wearing it in the off-hours. If you'd like for him to wear it, then you should have a very serious, look-him-in-the-eye and tell-him-your-feelings type of conversation. Tell him it's important to you that he show his love for you in that way and ask him to try to make it a habit that he wear it during off hours.

Now, with the out-with-friends, thing. That again is a level of trust. I think a lot depends on the sorts of people he's hanging out with. If it's just male bonding sort of things, watching sports, a hunting weekend, eh, I don't think that's such a big deal unless his buddies were known alcoholics, druggies or womanizers. A man needs to hang with his friends, just the way a woman likes to be with her friends. I wouldn't "require" him to call home every day either. Ugh. That tells him right there that you don't trust him, and it sure will start up the teasing and the flaming from his friends when they hear he has to call home and check in. Besides, a phone call doesn't guarantee that he's not cheating on you, anyway. It just means that during the call, he's talking to you. Would it be nice if he called and let you know he's headed home, so that you know he's safe and sound? Yep, it would. And a considerate, thoughtful couple does that for each other. My husband will call home when he's ready to leave, I'm sure, because he knows that I'll have some food ready for him when he comes home, because I like to sit down with him and listen to what he did over the weekend -- and I'm grateful that I didn't have to go with him!

I think you two need to spend some time focusing on each other, building up respect and trust, so that you can encourage each other in individual pursuits without it being clouded by jealousy or worry. Do things together, and do things for each other. Rediscover yourselves and each other. It takes a lot of time to develop these habits of thinking about each other but still nourishing individuality. My husband and I had a lot of fights over this sort of thing in the beginning years. If you think counseling would help, by all means, go! But always remember, it's as important to be married together, as it is to be married apart.

My husband never wears his wedding band. He says that he doesn't like jewelry. At first it did bother me but then He goes out with his friends to a bar and he doesn't wear his ring. He actually thinks that women are more attracted to a married man. I figured a ring doesn't make the marriage.

Good luck!

My Opinion: I would also be upset. If wearing a ring interferes with his job that is obviously understandable, but at other times I expect him to wear it, especially if I wore mine. There are alot of things I would look at, I think your age plays some of it too and how long you've been married, if he never wore his ring or just started not wearing it, are his single friends the type that would encourage him to do "single things"? I don't think you are over-reacting at all. Some people are more trusting and are more secure with themselves than others. If it is bothering you I would definately talk to him about it. Just tell him how you feel and if he knows you feel that way he should want to wear it without a problem. Well hope things work for you!

It really bugs me too that my husband doesn't wear his ring. Especially since I know some of the girls he meets hit on him. He works as a private police officer and I know that girls will do stupid things to try and get out of trouble.

Keep the faith, if you know that he is sincere to you then just mention to him how much you love when he wears his ring and how much it means to you. The key is not mentioning when he doesn't wear it. It is almost like potty training a small child. You congradulates on the wins and the losses are ok they just don't get mentioned again. Please don't take it wrong me comparing you husband with a small child, I just know that often the same tactics will work. All people (men and women) seem to change best on the reward system verses the scold system.

As for calling, I like to leave my husband little messages when he goes away and doesn't call me for a while. Often I will tuck a note in the pocket of his pants or in his wallet for him to find later. I have discovered that this almost always prompts a call.

Hope this helps
R.

H.,

If you are not worried about the state of your marriage, who cares if he wears his ring or not? The only reason to worry is if you do think that whether or not the ring is on his finger is indicative of the state of your marriage or what his behavior will be when the ring comes off.

People don't have to take off their wedding rings to find someone to mess around with, and if their morality is that flexible, they will mess around whether their ring is on or not.

I say all this as a woman who only wears my wedding and engagement rings when I feel like it for a special occaison. I stopped wearing my engagement ring when my son was born because the setting sat up so high and always scratched him. As well, I cannot wear rings when I work, so I take them off and put them away.... so that I do not lose them. I come home late (I work evenings) and go straight to bed. I get up early to take my son to school and in the rush of getting ready I may throw on my everyday jewelry to match my outfit... including rings (for example if I'm wearing purple I may put on an amethyst ring...but if I misplace that ring I don't really care... it isn't my wedding ring... so I let it sit out handy on my dresser on a ring tree... not put away like I do my wedding rings.) I don't always get out and put on my wedding rings again because if I am working that day, I just have to put them away again, where as my less important rings... if I would forget to take them off when I go to work, I would not care as much if I lost one of them or they were stolen from my bag.
I don't wear my wedding rings out of my RESPECT and care for them.
Don't get insecure about something that may be nothing. Just talk to your husband and see what he says. If he is evasive or defensive...then you have something to worry about.

Stay calm so you don't create a problem where none exists!
L.

my hubby and i have been together 22yrs married 10 of them.He does'nt wear his and it does'nt bother me at all.I know he's here to stay.And also of your worried about women not knowing he is married trust me a ring wont matter.I have had friends that have had thire husband's cheat on them with or without the ring.

And about the guys weekend and him not calling you.Dont forget how men act when around eachother.Mine goes away(which i enjoy) and he does'nt call.Dont worry so much.:-)

My opinion is that you are over-reacting about the wedding ring issue. My husband and I have been very happily married for 5 years and he very rarely wears his ring. I know he loves me and he is fatithful to me and I dont need a band of gold to keep the love or the faithfulness. If it bothers you that much maybe have him put it on a chain around his neck or on his keyring so you know its with him all of the time. Sorry if I was blunt, but really, its only a piece of jewelry after all. Its the actions and whats in his heart and yours what really matters, not the material symbol. Good luck!
J.

It wouldn't really bother me if my husband didn't wear his. But he is also a truck driver and he has only taken his off twice in the 2 years that we have been married. As far as the guys night out even though they are married they still deserve it as do we, I can understand the questioning about chosing another ring and not the wedding band. But as long as you two are happy then you shouldn't worry. I would be upset to if he didn't call. My husband calls me everyday even at 3 in the morning sometimes just to talk to me when he is gone and it's the same way when he is with his friends. So just talk to him about it.

Hi H., I have been married for almost 18 years and my husband only puts his wedding band on when we dress up to go out. Which isn't very often at all. He has a desk job and could wear it all the time, but when he was younger he had a problem with his hands swelling and almost had to have it cut off. We have matching cut bands that can't be matched for replacement. So I don't worry about it. Sometimes he wears it just to see if I notice!! A ring is a symbol and long ago men didn't get one anyway. Don't sweat the small stuff...it's more important that he is a great husband and a great father, not what he wears. And as far as the going out with his buddies, well honestly I can't comment on that because my hubby very rarely goes out with any of his friends. He is usually too busy coaching soccer or softball or attending Orchesta concerts or helping out with Girl Scout troops. Our three girls keep both of us VERY busy. Good luck and happy holidays.

My dh doesn't wear his. But he did get a tatoo of our rings on his arm with our wedding date. So that makes it okay with me. I wouls be upset as you are. If he is into ink at all talk to him about getting a tatoo of 2 rings. Or something to symbolize the wedding or marrage.

My husband's a mechanic so he can't wear his ring at work. He also forgets to put it on when he's not at work. I've gotten used to it, though. I do try to remind him to wear it when we go out or when he's going out with the guys, though. It was a big issue a couple months ago because his best friend just got divorced and they would go out for drinks at least once a week. I do get a little upset when he goes out with the guys and doesn't wear it. Not that I think he's cheating in those instances, it's just that it makes things less obvious to other women and I'm sure he'll flirt back despite being married. However, like me, I'm sure he tells people that he is married.

It sounds like your understanding with him not wearing the ring while he is on the job. You could tell him you would really appreciate it if he would wear his wedding ring when he goes out with his friends. Not because you don't trust him, but it's a symbol that means a lot to you. Who knows if he will keep it on once he's out, but at least your feelings will be known. I understand the need for a night out with friends, but maybe suggest that you go sometime. Just once so you can get out too and meet some of his friends. If you go and see everything is OK, it would make you feel better. If he's anything like my husband I bet they just sit somewhere and watch football.
Hope you feel better.

Jen

You may not be over-reacting. I don't know if he's cheating in the sense of "physical" actions, but if you think about it he is cheating in a sense of emotional actions. If he's hanging with single people, there's a good chance he's doing what single people do--talk to other single people. He should know how you feel about the ring situation and be sensitive to that. And even if he is away with "friends" he is supposed to contact you atleast once a day. Think of how he would react if you switched places and was doing the same thing. I would also ask yourself "Aren't you worthy of feeling happy, secure, and loved by your husband?" Isn't that what marriage is about?
I've been married for 10+ yrs, and have 3 children. Believe me when I tell you, "been there, done that", I'm the one who was going out and hanging with my single friends. Then I realized I really wanted my marriage to work. Just confront him with your concerns and make him own up to his actions.

H.:

I understand your situation as I deal with it also. My husband is a carpenter and often does not wear his wedding band.

My thought is this (and this is just how I feel about it): I don't need to wear my wedding band, nor does my husband for us to be married. It is a belonging...not the true symbol of our marriage. The true symbol of our marriage is our love for eachother and our trust in one another. Period. Of course, we are the non-traditional sort of people and do not value material objects like most do. So you may want to take what I say with a grain of salt.

If you trust your husband (which you swear up and down you do), and you have a good marriage and that it's not the problem, then be honest with yourself. For some reason it bothers you (which is fine that it does), but ask yourself what YOUR reason is. You are asking us married woman for advice, but we all do feel differently about it, why ask? You are the only one who can answer the question. If it bothers you, ask yourself why it bothers you...then tell your husband why it bothers you. If your marriage is as great as it seems to be, then your husband is open to understanding your position and responding accordingly, right? I will venture to guess that your husband will make an effort to wear his ring if he feels that it is that important to you that he does.

Good luck to you!

Always remain cautious. Seven years for me just ended eruptly as I found out he was still cheating on me. But we've had great sex. That goes to show. Always trust your woman's intuition.

This really doesn't sound good. He deliberately picked another ring to wear, instead of your wedding ring. It's not like he just forgot then.
Then there is the fact that he could wear it around his neck, if he can't wear it on his finger at work.
I also don't see why any married man needs to do "guy weekends". I don't see how any good can come out of something like that. They should stay single if they want to go out with the guys. If you feel like he's up to no good, he may be. Esp. since he doesn't even call you. You would think that he would miss you immensely after working all week long. Why should a married man feel that he needs to go out anywhere without his wife, unless he is doing stuff that she can't know about, or if he's sick of her. I would feel bad too.
Do you go out with the girls? Does he watch the kids so you can go out and have fun without him? I don't think it's fair for a man to expect more from his wife, then he would allow from himself. A relationship should be equal. Sometimes husbands as well as wives, need to compromise so that both are a happy medium between them. Otherwise, why be married? The love for another should be enough to keep the heart happy. Sometimes people need circumstances to make them realize that. Does he take you out a lot? He makes time to do things with his friends, how bout you? You really should weigh the situation better, and think about it. If he is leaving you at home all the time and making you watch the kids, while he's out having fun, it's just not fair. You need to think about what you want out of this marriage. You are worth it.

I think it would bother me if my husband didn't wear his wedding band- and that issue would have to be addressed. As far as "disappearing" for a while, I would definitely feel like something was going on. But, I guess it's a matter of trust. Do you trust your husband? If you do- then it sounds like perhaps all that's needed is a good open discussion about all this. If you do have some trust issues- then this needs to be dealt with on a more professional level. Some men have a tendancy to down play issues like that and try to make you feel like you're the one making an issue about things- but remember- there are 2 people in a marriage- not 1!! So, any issues are both your issues!!

I know that my husband isn't allowed to wear a ring to work but he still does and they don't say anything about it but he has taken it off for awhile before and it doesn't bother me.I know Kevin has went on trips and doesn't call for several days.Does it bother me,hell yes and he knows it but he's never done anything to make me think he's looking or wants anyone different and he doesn't have single friends
But if there are signs that you think your husband is cheating or doing things you think he shouldn't than ask him.
I'm sorry i'm no real help but i say ask him.Good luck to you and i'm hoping your husband can explain things like why he doesn't call and things like that
J.

My husband doesn't wear his at work most of the time due to the nature of his job and he works with ALL women! I don't get hung up on external signs that we are married. He knows he's married and I know we're married and the ring doesn't change what is in our hearts...it's just jewelry!

It's along the same line as women who keep their maiden name after marriage...it doesn't make them any less married.

My husband isn't always good with the phone call thing but that is just him. Sometimes I don't think our husbands really understand that we need small gestures of reassurance to make us believe that all is o.k...like a simple phone call. Afterall...men are from mars right?

I think that you should talk to him about how you feel. I understand the safety issue at work but when he is not at work I don't see a problem with wearing it. As long as you are secure in your relationship than it should be fine. Does he normally call you every night to say good night? If so than let him know that just because he is with his friends doesn't mean he has to forget about you or your kids. Not saying that he doesn't love you or is cheating but to me that is a little on the ignorant side. How would he feel if you did that to him? And out of curiousity do you go out for yourself? Do you have a girls weekend where he stays home with the kids and you have fun with your friends? If you don't you should. I learned the hard way that by not going out and staying home all the time it can cause arguments and resentment. Just talk to him and I am sure you can come to some agreement about the ring and if he refuses to wear it than I would take a good hard look at your relationship and what he potentially might be doing. As far as I am concerned flirting is still cheating to me. You just havent' done anything physical. And don't let him make it like it's all in your head either. You feel hurt and he should know. good luck!

I would be very upset. Can you talk to him about it w/out arguing? And he is a lucky guy to get a guys weekend-my hubby is lucky to get a guys night-LOL make sure he feels trusted but that it hurts your feelings when he does not call. I know my hubby doesnt like to look like he needs to "check in". W/ single friends they feel like they are gonna get made fun of or something if they need to check in. but he could sneak away and call.

Though you've stated, "I just wanted to add after all the replies i don't think he is cheating at all." I believe there is some sort of doubt in your mind for you to be that much bothered by him not wearing his ring. Have you took the time to discuss your feelings with him?

I don't wear my ring daily either and I am not cheating on my husband nor does he bring it up (and he wears his daily). I don't wear my ring for the simple fact of discomfort and I am just not into jewelry that much. However, you stated that he wore another ring and not his wedding ring.

Your request for advice will be saturated with other women's experiences, assumptions, and what have you. Utlimately, you need to sit him down and discuss with him your feelings and how important it is for him to wear his ring.

If you honestly believe in your heart that he is not cheating, then I personally won't make a big fuss about it. Your hubby wearing his ring is just a symbol that he is married. What matter is his conduct outside of your presence and his love for you internally. A man can and will cheat whether he is wearing his band or not.

Before you speak with him, take some time to gather your thoughts and answers some questions about your feelings. Such as: Why is it so important for him to wear his ring? (culturally, religious, what other may think) Will I accept the answers he gives me? What are the worse case senarios? Why is it bothering this much? Is there a small ounce in my mind that I may think he is cheating? Is he showing signs that he doesn't want to be married? Have I slipped in my responsiblity in being his women (not his wife)? Have I slipped in being his wife? The list can go on...

I am assuming since you two have a good marriage, as you stated, then I am also assuming that communication is good as well. Ultimately, you need to talk to him to clear your conscious and your frustrations.

MY husband is a truck driver and he does not wear his ring when he is working either b/c the last one got damaged and we had to replace it 2 times. He does however call me everyday when he is away sometimes several times and I think you are justified in being hurt or thinking he is up to no good.

It would bother me if my husband didnt wear his wedding ring. My husband works at UPS loading and unloading the trucks. His wedding ring has gotten bigger and we dont have the money for a resizer so when he goes to work he does take it off becuase if he wouldnt he would lose it. He does however put it back on as soon as he gets to the car. I understand him not wearing it at work becuase one time he did think he lost it and was afraid to tell me. When he did tell me he was really upset but we did find it. He put it in his pants pocket becuase he forgot to take it off in the car.

Now I dont know all the details surrounding your husband, but if the ring fits perfectly than there shouldnt be a problem with him wearing his ring. My dad was a truck driver for over 20 years. When he and my step-mom married he wore his ring everyday and never took it off. Same way for my uncle who was a truck driver.

I personally would question the true reason he isnt wearing it.

Yes, it would bother me if my husband didn't wear his wedding ring. I understand the safety issue side of it because my husband doesn't wear his at work due to the nature of the work. However, it sounds like your hsuband needs to get his act together when he is out with his friends. It sounds as if he goes out quite often. I would hope he could spend more time with you when he is not driving truck. I think it would be important for you two to sit down and have a talk. Many times married couples get caught up in their lives and the lines of communication remained closed. You two must instill a sense of trust into each other. If there is not trust then there is not a marriage. But, that is my opinion. I was also wondering, has your husband ever given you a reason not to trust him? If so then that is a huge obstacle to overcome. On the other hand, if he has always been loyal then you may be over reacting.