Marriage - Belvidere,IL

I know exactly how you are feeling. I feel like I do everything around the house also, with little to no help. I do all the dishes, cooking, laundry, running with the kids, and housekeeping. I know that my husband's job is more physically demanding than mine, but my thoughts are that the kids are his responsibility also, and that he needs to at least do more with them. I probably wouldn't minds doing everything else with the house if I had more help with the kids. The sex is a big issue for us also. My husband wants it all the time, and I agree with you - I am tired and want to relax. I'm sorry that this isn't any advise or help, but maybe it will help to let you know that you are not the only one. I'll be watching to see what other kind of responses you get.
Thanks,
J.

Don't worry. I feel this way all the time. My husband works all the time. So it isn't that he doesn't want to help me, he just has a crazy work schedule. I know what you mean about the sex part. I am attracted to my hubby, but by the time I get dinner made and cleaned up, the house cleaned up and the kids bathed and to bed... I am tired and want to sleep!!!

Don't feel bad your husband is not the only one who doesn't help around the house. Me and my fiancee aren't even married yet but have been together for almost 10 years and he barely helps out around the house which drives me crazy! As for the sex part I'm the same way sometimes I can stand and other days I just wanna say leave me the hell alone! You aren't going crazy but it's also nice to have someone to talk to or maybe see about finding a job where you have more time to spend with your family so u can time for yourself and room for friends. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to either e-mail me at ____@____.com or if you have a myspace page I'm on there under dazedandconfusedbluelover. I hope I've helped u out.

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about how you are feeling? Maybe your frustration with him is what is causing your decrease in sexual desire for him. I know that is what causes mine sometimes. Since both of you are working, you should both share the duties. If one cooks, the other cleans? If he could just occupy he kids while you cook? (clean the dirty dishes as you cook, then it will be less of a mess for the next time around... if I use a pan, I will wash it when I'm done with it... if you wash right away, you won't have to scrub and scrub later... this totally works well for me.) I don't expect my husband to do too awful much, he works many 10 hour days doing concrete; he comes home really really tired. I also work hard but I work inside most of the time of my day. He could put a movie in for the kids or play a game with them, ect. Things are a lot easier to do if you don't have a child hanging on you while you are doing it.... it won't tax the little bit of energy you have left. I have a very "active" 3 yr old daughter and no matter how tired my husband is, he will at least occupy her. I hope this helps a little.... if not, start praying. LOL God Bless!!

been there done that. do you think you aren't feeling appreciated and therefore you aren't feeling "emotionally" connected enough to cross it over sexually?! do you have family close by that could maybe take the kids for a few hours and give you sometime w/ him? maybe surprise him w/ an afternoon in bed...and then have time to talk as well? Sex will not cure all by any means, but sounds like you need the intimacy that might come with it, and not so much the act????? good luck hun. sounds to me that you what your feeling is pretty normal.

Oh my gosh! I could have written this letter. I do have friends though but I never have time to see them. My husbands works opposite shifts as me though and he does take care of the kids during the day while I'm at work. But he doesn't do anything all day while at home. His excuse is that he was busy watching the kids. Well I clean the house, do the dishes, make dinner, go to the bathroom and take a shower all while watching the kids so I don't understand that logic at all. Sounds like this is pretty normal.

Insist he get a check-up and be screened for medical issues that could contribute to fatigue, including depression. Symptoms of depression include at least 5 of the following:
Sleep- too much, too little, or poor quality from what is normal for him
Interest- does he have decreased interest in the activities he used to like?
Guilt- Has he expressed guilt about anything?
Energy- Does he have less energy?
Concentration- Is his concentration not what it used to be?
Appetite- Does he eat a lot more or a lot less?
Psychomotor- Does he move slower than usual, or does he seem nervous?
Suicide- Has he ever expressed suicide?
Note- in men depression can come out more as anger or detachment.
Also note- Fatigue with having kids, especially little kids, is normal. When was the last time that you got a babysitter and went out on a date where you could focus on eachother as people and have fun? When was the last time you left the kids and did something for yourself?

Take it from someone that is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and mother of a 2 and 4 year-old, times can be trying. If none of this works for you, get counseling (even if you have to go by yourself) and/or talk to friends. I have found that many of us are in the same situation and it helps to know this.

Good Luck!

I am so sorry you are ging through this too. I think you need to sit down and talk to him and say I understand you work all day and long days but I really need help around. I am totally worn out and I would really appericate if you could please help me so we can have time together and I don't have to take time away from you and the kids. and as for as Sex!! BoY!! do I ever understand that. I don't care either. I know that not how God made us but It is really hard when your are always worn out and don't have the desire for it. I have tried drugs and many other ways to get joy out of it I just can't plus I have peroids 2 a month most of the time. tell him that you are going to take off a weekend end find a babysitter for the kids and you want to have a date night with him nad maybe you can get that time alone and let you get that desire. you need alone time without kids once awhile. Best wishes. you might want to go talk to someone about it all too.

G_D:

All I can say is if what you are feeling is abnormal, there is a whole BOATLOAD of Mom's in the same boat! I relocated a year ago, and since then my husband expects me to handle everything, with the exception of mowing the grass. He is either in the chair watching TV, playing videogames, or laying down. In the meantime I end up hiring a sitter a few hours a week just to keep up with it all. He can't even figure out what to eat for lunch, I have plan all the meals, do all the cleaning, get the kids up in the morning, put them to bed at night. I hope to come back as a man next time around.

Also, I don't think it is abnormal for your sex life to suffer, because you are exhausted! That only makes sense. Plus, it is hard to feel connected to someone who is supposed to be your partner when they won't even help you out with the every day stuff. There is another site called Cafemom that I found very helpful. It has different discussion groups. One group I joined is for Mom's that feel like single Mom's because their hubbies work long hours. That won't fix your problem, but may make you feel your feelings are validated! Good luck!

I think you are in a situation many of us find ourselves in. I feel you on the sex thing actually - I still think my husband is physically attractive, but he naturally has this critical perspective on EVERYTHING and there have been times/weeks where sex was the last thing on my mind and mostly because I was so turned off by his heart toward people (not even toward me or our son, but people in general). I finally had to lovingly confront him about it. Things aren't a 100% but at least I am mildly interested in sex now. My biggest encouragement to you is that we as women are not designed to be like light switches - you can't just flick a switch and put us in the mood. It takes multiple things to get us turned on - and one area is mainly how we FEEL about our partner. What I have realized though is that when I distance myself sexually from my husband because I feel unfulfilled in other areas (mainly how he supports and encourages me), he then distances himself emotionally and we become entrapped in a downward spiral. I then have to force myself to do something to make myself feel sexy and make some moves, even when it doesn't sound all that appealing. And what I have found is that when I do that, I actually end up enjoying it and it opens up the communication lines between us.

I don't have much advice, just encouragement to say there are many of us out here who feel the same way. And how you "fix" it is to find ways to focus on yourself and your marriage first, kids second - clear up those lines of communication between you and your husband and do something personally refreshing for yourself (I am having my monthly girls night out this weekend!!)

Best wishes!

I agree with everyone! You need to talk and definately divide some chores. You will go crazy if you don't. It may seem hard to talk at first and maybe a little arguing but it's worth it couldn't get any worse. Things need to change for the better and he will realize that as soon as you guys get it out in the open. The ymca's have 30 minute program s for toddlers, maybe your husband could do that while you get other things done.
Good luck! Eventually it will all work out!!!!

I know exactly how you feel it felt like I was reading my own life story. You are not alone. I'll tell you what I did A couple of weeks ago I left my husband a note telling him exactly how I felt about his not helping out around the house and how I had different responsiblities than him and since than he helps with everything not saying that this will work for you but as my husband put it men are stupid and need to be told everything.I don't know if that is true but it is working so I'm not complaining. I don't have very many friends either but I have one close friend who I can talk to about everything and everyone should have at least one. OK the sex life I was in the same spot as you and my gyne put me on birthcontrol pills and our sex life has gotten better. You should try and find some you time. Hope this helps

I know exactly what you mean. I've been married for 10 years. I stay at home with my 3 kids, but I'm going to be looking for part time weekend work soon. My husband does nothing around the house except contribute to the mess. I do 95% of the parenting. I'm just burned out. My baby wakes up between 5:00 and 5:30 every morning. I never get a break. All I want to do is relax and have some down time after the three of them are in bed. I'm too tired or disinterested in sex. I know part of it is that I'm scared to death of getting pregnant again. My youngest is just turning a year old. I don't want anymore children, and he won't get a vasectomy.

I'm just telling you that you're not alone. I bet you get a lot of similar responses. There are just a few lucky women who have husbands who do the housework, cooking, and are equal partners in child rearing. I think they were out of those husbands when I got mine.

Its totally normal that you are feeling the way that you are! My guess is that your husband feels like he works every day and is tired... And, maybe he looks at taking care of the kids and the house as a woman's job. That is something that you two have to sit down and discuss. If you don't think you can do so quietly without losing your temper, which will defeat your purpose, then seek the help of a minister, counselor or other such person.

As far as the sex goes, your husband may be resentful that this area of your lives has taken a backseat, and not be expressing it, and the feelings you are having of no attraction are directly connected to the dirty dishes piled up in the sink. He needs to understand that Sex begins in the kitchen! (There is a great book by that name, by the way. Check it out and give it to him.)

Get yourself a life outside of the house- A Mom's group, ask out a female co-worker who you like to go have coffee, see a movie or other interest. You can't rely on your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs. They aren't equipped that way. You'll also come home happier and more relaxed with a new perspective. Good luck!

Taking care of yourself is # 1. If you are not in top condition, how can you give your children the best care? By taking care of your self, you are improving the life of your entire family. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but here are a few ideas. Ask for help from family. If you have no family around - get sitters. Find at least one day a week where the two of you can leave the kids so you can rekindle what you once had. The sex life will come back - but you've got to schedule it in.

Have you told your husband that you are feeling worn down with work, house, and taking care of the kids? If not - try being open and tell him.

Something that works for me in getting my husband to help - At night - give him a choice. "Hey hon, do you want to fix dinner or take the kids outside?" Or - "Do you want to do the dishes or a load of laundry?"

Good luck

G D if you ever need to talk or need a friend you can email me at ____@____.com will find time to talk or hang out. Just hang in there. I'm also 25 and have been married almost 3 years. My husband use to help out now he don't. Maybe I just started working again after 2 years so maybe he will help. Girl I feel for ya. Like I said email me and we can talk.

Got the same situation at home. I totally do the morning routine by myself. Thankfully, one of mine is 8 and for the most part pretty self-sufficient. I drop both kids off at two different schools and work full-time. My husband gets home at 4:00 so he's home to get the oldest off the bus. I then pick up the youngest and head home. Back when we decided to put our youngest into daycare it was agreed, if I picked her up, he was going to start dinner so all I had to do was take over when I got home. Needless to say, he doesn't do it until I throw a fit. We've had many discussions about what should be done around our house. My thing is this, if he gets home first there is no reason he can't empty the dishwasher and start dinner. He actually does empty the dishwasher now but still has a hard time starting dinner. He also handles all of the outside work with the exception of the landscaping. I do that.

As far as the sex goes, 'lack of' I don't believe to be unusual after 8 years of marriage. Although it is still important in a marriage, I think you (possibly both) have figured out it is not THE most imporant. My husband and I go through the same thing. You reach a point in your relationship where it becomes really comfortable or routine and things tend to go by the way side. I've also talked to people that have said these are the types of things that happen when you have young children. I guess we'll see if its true.

In the meantime, try talking to your husband about how you're feeling. Suggest that he play with your child(ren) while you cook, or help w/baths, etc. I know you want a clean house, who doesn't, but maybe stop cleaning at a certain time at night so you can spend some time with your husband. Whether it be watching TV together or go to bed early together. Good Luck to you.

The first thimg I want you to know is that you are not alone. I read your letter and almost see myself. We have been working on this sort of problem myself at home for a while now. Have you ever sat down with him when you were not upset and tried to talk to him about it? If not then you should. You say you don't have any friends. Why is that? I dont have many but I have a couple of good ones. Have you tried getting you and the kids involved in some kind of activities? The local parks and rec is a good place to look for low cost activities. They are a great source to meet other moms. I am not sure how old your children are but girlscouts, boyscouts and 4-h are great childrens activities .
Also if the kids are old enough let them help you with some of the chores. You can make it fun for them and maybe you won't feel so alone. But most of all talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Remember you are beautiful and worthwhile and deserve to be happy!!!!!!

Talk to him. Tell him how much you love him. (Even though right now you feel you do not). If he doesn't know that you WANT & NEED his help-he won't. Most men are pretty dense when it comes to these things. Their fathers never helped (most). Also, it may be that you are too tired for sex. And angry with him...so who would want to? Something has to give & sex seems to be the easiest at this point. Because you ARE mad at him so what difference does it make? Tell him you miss having the energy for sex, and if he helped out and there probably would be more time and energy. Maybe he thinks you lost interest in HIM and throw yourself into the housework and children. Maybe he thinks you can do it without his help. Maybe he thinks you want to be superwoman.

Make a date night once or twice a month and TRY to get romance back into your lives. Inspire yourself and inspire your husband. Split up all the chores, you'll have a few extra moments at the end of the day & a little extra energy for time togther. Take it a little at a time, if you have the extra time together tell him how much these few minutes mean to you. How you wish you had more evenings like this. Once in a while (but not TOO much;), rub his feet/back, make a deal you rub my feet/back & I'll rub yours. These little things help you stay connected. And inspire him to want to help out & make a few extra minutes with you & maybe help get you to sit with him...and hey, MAYBE your feet rubbed! Try to get into it and make the sex better for YOU and for him. It might help inspire his lawn mowing or taking the trash out. Flirt a little at the sink. Flirt a lot. You CAN flirt with your husband. And in front of your children. They need to SEE their parents having a FUN life and WANTING each other. Don't make them uncomfortable or go overboard. But a little flirting goes a long way. He'll want to be in the kitchen helping you cook.

If you can get the children...no matter how young to "pitch in" and so their part (set the table, help clear the table... unbreakables obviously...wipe the table, sort laundry, help fold & put away). It may not be up to your par, but you have to let the little things go. Instilling in their life that it takes a team to run a household with two working parents and children (& pets), will help them with their future relationships. And it will help you. You do NOT need to go behind them and re-do everything. No matter how young or how much you think you need to. Be positive and praise them, show them a few times, tell them what they do right over & over and they will want to please you. Children ARE eager to please. You might have a streaky window. Maybe they left a little stuff on the floor in the corner. Maybe the table isn't perfectly clean. As they grow, they will get better. Sneak in & clean better later, if you REALLY must.

Communicate to your husband: use "I" feel tired, "I" need help, "I" miss having time to spend with you at the end of the day). "I" feel irritable & bitchy when "I" am so tired. Maybe if we all pitched in, we would have more time together like we used to, "I" really miss that.

Don't approach him with "you" never help me, "you" come home & relax, "you" don't this, "you" don't that. Maybe if "you" helped.(It takes a lot, not to...but don't put it all on him).

I could probably go on, but maybe others have some ideas as well. But don't give up until you try. You can put the energy & spark back into your life. (Especially at your age).

Sounds to me like you are just tired. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but is there any way you could quit your job? I've been married 22 years and have discovered that it's much easier if my husband concentrates on making the living and I focus on the kids and the housework. And you really can save money by being at home. There are lots of books to help.

If you absolutely can't quit your job, you really must sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your husband. If you are both working, then you both have to do the household chores. If he could just understand that you might have a little more energy left for sex at the end of the day, he might be willing to help out more.

If he just won't cooperate with that, can the kids help you any? Are any of them old enough to help with the dishes or the housework? This can be a way to spend time with them, also. Can you afford to hire someone to come in and help with the housework, mow the yard? Your husband may be more willing to help if he sees money being spent to pay for these things.

Also, I've learned that it really helps just to ask them in a nice way to help you with the dishes. That works a lot better than getting mad. You could maybe do them together. That would be nice.

Also, don't criticize the help he gives you. He won't want to help you if you criticize the way he does the dishes or folds the laundry. Same with the kids. Instruct them how to do things, but be open to the different way they may tackle a project. My husband once drug in the garden hose through the back door to clean out the shower. But it got cleaned!

I highly recommend Dr. Laura's books, the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It is excellent and will help you understand your man so much more.

They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing. I think the point you are in your marriage is a tough spot. Hang in there and keep trying. It can only get better, right?

GD-
I cannot speak for everyone but I believe everyone goes through this after some time, at least I did. No there is nothing wrong with you physically or emotionally. What to do? What to do? Well, I can only tell you what I did. (After I exploded, I might add)

First open a line of communication before you get sooooo pissed off again! That my friend is not healthy. You cannot keep it bottled up!

OK- So I rationalized the situation, knowing my husband was probably as exhausted as I and my attitude (getting mad about household chores, and kid duties as well as working 12 hour days) wasn't helping the situation between us. Sexually, we were a disaster!!!

Men, in my unprofessional opinion, think differently than women. When men see a dirty dish they leave it, it drives us nuts.

I got a babysitter for my two sons one Saturday that neither of us had to work. I made a list of things that were bothering me and things I needed help with. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and grab lunch and he agreed. I got dressed up (better than normal) and proceeded to go to lunch with my list.

I told him there were some things that were bothering me and things we needed to talk about to make us better as a couple. I wanted us to be the way we were but better than when we first started our relationship.

It was ackward at first but soon he opened up and let me know some things I was doing that was making him upset. By compromising and talking over our concerns we have made it another 4 years. Not to say things have been perfect but definitely alot better.

To start with the chore (dishes) thing,we picked days that each of us was responsible for them during the week. On Friday's we did them together.

We did agree that on Saturdays we would have someone come in and clean for us once a week. It cost us $40.00 and our house was almost spotless. To me, the money is worth our piece of mind and we are able to spend it together without worrying about household chores.

The grass, we do together as a family. My oldest son push mows, my husband mows with the rider and I weedwack and blow any grass away as needed. We alternate positions weekly.

He still messes up the laundry so I have completely forgiven him of that duty:)

OK- Love making has been good too...

Hang in there- Start talking....

Remember this is suppose to be your best friend in the whole wide world!

Let me know what happens-

CC

First off, you're not the only one who feels this way. A lot of women, whose husbands work outside of the house, feel like they should ALL of the responsibility at home (and, you most likely do - or, at least 99%). But, did you ever think that maybe your husband feels like he's shouldering ALL of the responsibility of bringing home a check - and, that he's tired too (just playing devil's advocate here! I know you work too. But, maybe he feels that way since he's at work so much???).

It sounds to me like both of you are just worn out.

Being turned on by him isn't going to happen until you feel that he (at least) understands your position and you're not so exhausted.

If you're not comfortable bringing it up on your own, then I would say counseling would definitely help (preferably both of you...but, if not, then go by yourself. At least you'll get a different perspective on the whole thing).

I don't know how old your youngest child is....but, is post-partum depression a possibility for why you feel this way?

You sound like I sounded about 3 years ago. I had 3 little boys, a husband who worked-a lot, etc. Finally, one day I broke down in tears and headed for the dr. He diagnosed me with depression and diagnosed some anti-depressants (which I was totally against!) After 2 different types of anti-depressants, we found one that worked, and it was amazing! I finally felt I could handle things around the house. The sex life didn't improvve on the pills, but after about a year, I weaned off of them and things settled back to normal. There are times, still, when I feel myself falling back into those old feelings. Now, I force myself to walk 30 minutes in the mornings, no matter how exhausted I am, it actually to help increase some chemical in your brain to help naturally with the depression. Please go see the dr. before it gets any worse!