Marriage Advice - Simi Valley,CA

You are modeling to him what a marriage is all about. You don't want him to think this is the way a husband treats a wife...you need to get that little guy and go!!!

The only thing worse for a child FROM an abusive home is LIVING IN one!....

Good Luck to you...

Hi Amna,

I've found the advice from the Gottman Institute very good, especially the books/CDs.

http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/

I recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" very highly: http://gottmancatalog.orderport.net/1450/listsubcat.asp?s...

Good luck hon.

Can't tell you what you should do, but here is my experience:

The issues that you have now (regardless of what they are) will take years to resolve themselves...and that's only if BOTH people are constantly working on them. They will also crop up from time to time out of the blue. :P

This is just pure and basic. It takes a LOT of time to change patterns of behavior, because they're tied to beliefs, personality, thought processes, prior experiences, etc...all of which total REACTION to whatever stimuli or event is happening.

My husband and I started working on our problems 5 years ago. If I had known how long it was going to take, the pain and misery my son and I would go through, the fights, the loss of self respect & self confidence...I can't honestly say I would make the same decision again. And whenever it's bad I beat myself up, and am torn with regret for not leaving when my son was 2, and it was apparent that this was who this man was.

It's not that he's a bad man, in fact, he's a very very GOOD man...and we have tons and tons and tons in common........BUT........where my natural response is to laugh, his is to get mean. Where I think things through, he's impulsive. Where I'm impulsive (& then like, "Darn. Well how do we fix that, now???"...he rages or denies any such problem exists, or lords about acting superior and mean). Where, where, where....The list could go on. He doesn't trust me, respect me, or think about my life, except for how I could be doing MORE for HIM. In short, even though we are soooooooo much alike, we're polar opposites. Those opposites COULD be used to our advantage, we could have been a great team, where his strengths make up for my weaknesses and vice versa, but it hasn't happened. In 5 years of trying to, it hasn't happened. The best we've managed is tolerable. And tolerable is so much better than miserable that it keeps us hanging in. Quite frankly, I'm tired, and exhausted... and he's broken my heart so often that I mostly just feel numb.

The unfortunate bit, from talking with others & with professionals in the field, is that this is par for the course. It takes years and years and years.

The question to ask yourself: Is it worth it?

None of us will be able to answer that question for you. Only you know if you'll be able to get through the bad times with your sanity and self respect intact, or if you'll be constantly wondering if you're doing all this work for his next girlfriend, or if you'll be able to put your feelings aside to take care of your son until he's asleep when you collapse in tears or if you can't hold back and do it while he's awake, or how you'll react when your son starts acting like his dad (guaranteed he WILL), or how the tension of a bad marriage will affect your dreams/goals or your son's life, or, or, or, or. Which freedoms do you hold dear? All of these questions have different answers for all of us. And there's only about a thousand more questions.

I DO regret to say that I know exactly what you mean about not leaving your son with your husband without you. I'm supposed to have one afternoon a week to go work, and INVARIABLY, I end up staying home at least once a month because my husband is raging, or incapable of paying attention. Now....there're other times where I have just had to bite the bullet and "allow them to have their relationship". These are the times that my husband is doing things that *I* would never never do...but they aren't unsafe...they're just different than what *I* would do. And different doesn't mean wrong. Even though it's soooo hard to allow them that, I have to. If it's not mean, uncaring, or unsafe, they can do together whatever and However they wish. Oy. That isn't easy though. In many ways it's harder to allow the freedom to be different than to fight against mean, uncaring, or unsafe.

Staying married DOES give you the power not to leave you son in the care of his father...but quite frankly...so does divorce. If your husband is being neglectful or violent, that goes into the parenting plan requiring supervised visitation...or you document what's happening and get his custodial time pulled. That's always assuming he WANTS custodial time, or would follow up with action what he says he wants.

All of that said (not to malign my husband TOO much), he not only tries really really hard not to be mean to us (sigh), over the past couple of years he's become really involved in his son's life, and has actually found, much to his surprise that he enjoys being around him. He even taught him how to ride a bike, plays games, puts him to bed at night about half the time...in short...in the past year he and my son have actually developed a pretty strong relationship. Which actually makes it harder when my husband is being a jerk. There are good times that keep us going, and bad times that make me bang my head against the wall, hating myself for staying and putting my son and myself through this. Is it worth it for me? Quite frankly, I don't know. I'm not saying it isn't (who knows in a year it might be the best decision ever), or in a year I may have said "Finis". Pure and simple...I just don't know.

Best of luck in hard decisions.

My mother was in a similar situation made it work, looked at the positive had 4 children then HE left her. Sad. by that time she had been out of the work force for years was totally caught off guard and was absolutely heart broken. The worst part about it was that i thought that was the way men were supposed to treat their wives.
Just think about it- I know at this point things can go ether way but you do deserve to be loved and there is someone who will LOVE YOU. Perhaps you current husband can be that guy perhaps not but no matter what- your son needs to see a mother who loves herself and he needs to see a man treat a woman with respect.
I thought my mother was stupid and weak until my father left. it took her being on her own for me to see she was absolutely the opposite of those things the entire time. It was the first time I saw who she was without the clouded picture my father painted. My father is a great dad & we have a good relationship but he was an awful, awful husband. i know now many years later he feels horrible about it but i am so lucky he left. she remarried someone who loved her and taught me what a normal relationship looks like.

Good luck I am so sorry your in such a heartbreaking situation. You are strong and you will do the right thing for your son.

Great thoughts from Riley.

As you said, your Husband is abusive. It makes you miserable and invariably it is killing your soul and well being.
THAT will then affect your child and everyday life. As you said, you are devastated internally, by this.

Marital counseling takes time... to see if it helps. AND BOTH people need to work on it. If one does not work on it, it won't work.

Can you see yourself staying? Is your Husband showing the intention to improve? Meanwhile, you are abused. Is your Husband going to counseling, too? If not, it will be you that needs to cope with it. We can't change others. Only they can change themselves. And we cant' predict improvement or relapses in the person.

If you leave, can you support yourself? Do you have family near you or a close support network? You NEED a support network... tell your close friends, don't cope alone.

Is your Husband violent? If so, don't tell him you are thinking of leaving, it may trigger him to take it out on you.

So many factors to think about. I'm sorry I don't have an answer... but for you, because there is ABUSE in your marriage and family, that is something you have to think about. Because it can cause irreversible damage.... on you, on your son and how he develops as he gets older... and he may become like your Husband... or he may learn that women are a certain way and are treated as such.

So much to ponder. I'm really sorry about your situation.. my heart goes out to you... please keep strong...

All the best, please let us know how things go,
Susan

Hi Anna,

You've gotten great advice from all the other mamas, so I'll focus on "down the line."

My mom divorced my dad when I was 3 and my little sister was 1. I have no memories of my parents ever being married and watching them fight about me and my sister as I was growing up made me wonder why they were ever together in the first place.

But, despite that, or maybe because of it, my sister and I learned very young, very early, and very well, what makes a good marriage. I've been married nearly 19 years (together for 23) and my sister nearly 10 years. Because of our parents' poor example, both my sister and I chose our spouses very wisely. I chose mine very young (17) and she chose hers much later (late 20s), but we both knew what we wanted...and we knew the consequences first hand if we chose poorly.

So, divorce doesn't necessarily teach children how to fail at marriage. It can, and does, teach them what works and what doesn't. How many times have we said, "I won't do [whatever] like my parents!" Marriage is part of that, too.

My vote is to leave the abusive relationship and make sure your son is protected when he's with your (soon to be) ex-husband. Staying in an abusive marriage is worse, in my opinion, than a divorce.

Good luck, Anna.

I am so sorry to here all this. Here is my 2 cents...... Sometimes staying in a marriage is worse for the child then a divorce. Your child is still REALLY young. A happy and mentally healthy
Mom is very important in a child's life. Good luck

Do NOT stay for the child !! Your child needs to be in a happy atmosphere growing up. I stayed and everyday now wished I hadn't. Now 20 years later the marriage only got worse, and I finally left. I didn't do anything good for my kids staying. They deserved to grow up in a happy atmosphere, which they didn't grow up in. We did the marriage counseling, all that did was produce lies out of his mouth. Nothing helped, it only kept getting worse and worse....GET OUT NOW !!

You know what you need to do. What would you want your son to do in the same situation? Everyone I know who's parents divorced before they were five just accepted the situation and have no sore feelings about it. Everyone I know who's parents stayed together "for the kids" wish their parents hadn't stayed together and made themselves miserable. I know a lot of happy people who were raised by one parent or divorced parents. It'll be O.K. Follow your heart.

You are your son's first teacher and most influential. If you stay, you are teaching him women are unhappy and emotionally totured. We all know this is not true. Teach him the vision of what a woman is in your heart and how she should be treated. And never chose misery for the sake of your son, because no child would chose misery if they had a choise.
I wish you all the strength and courage!

Is your marriage the kind you want your son to have one day? what he learns from you is what he will have in his life later. Do you think your child wants a mother that is unhappy because 'of him'. That is how he will see your choice to stay. Is how your husband treats you how you think your son is to treat his significant others. The choicesnyou make now will effect your son. You can't change who his father is, but you can change what kind of example
you give him to live life with. Hope this helps with your turmoil. I was there with a 2yr old and 11month old daughters. My marriage at the time was not one that I would ever wish on my child, so I divorced. I am now remarried to a fabulous man and celebrated ten years with a vow renewal. I had two more children. I am happy and my daughters have at least one stable loving supportive home. They have visits with father, there is no abandonment or restrictions. A child is not a reason to stay in an abusive relationship, it's an excuse. Give your son the best so he will want the best in the future.
C.

Hi, Divorce is never easy. But staying in a marriage that is not a healthy loving one is not going to better for your son. I have had family and friends in your situation and they are so much happier and the kids are since they divorced. For you to live in a marriage where your not happy isn't good. You have your life to enjoy and if not with him, with your son. Don't let your son grow up in an unhealthy marriage. One day you will meet someone that will make you happy and you will enjoy life with him and your son. Good Luck and God Bless you both. M.

Amna K

I can feel for you, however, it is not wise to stay in any marriage for your children. The children will be hurt by this action. You are your son's role model, these are his informative years and he has to be shown that there is a right and a wrong way to set a role model for your son. In an ideal situation/world staying with your son's father would be the thing to do, however, we are not in an ideal world and you are not in an ideal situation. Many families have exhausted all resources when dealing with the ideal marriage and living within the family unit.

Ultimately, you are hurting your son and yourself with this marriage if it is as bad as you have said. Abuse of any kind can be devastating to you and your son. If you feel the efforts you have made to stay with this marriage are in vein, then try going to a trial separation to see how things are where you don't have these constant arguments, especially for your son. He does not need to hear you and your husband constantly fighting. This will affect his development on how he see's his world.

As I said, I sympathize for your situation and I can understand your wanting to save your marriage. However, I believe you will have to decide whether your marriage is worth scaring your sons view of relationships at such an early age. It may appear that he (your son) does not know anything of what is going on, but he can feel the tension and emotional turmoil in the air and this will affect him in the long run.

Good Luck in making the right choice for your son and yourself.

An unhappy household is not good for anyone.

You need to decide what is best for you and that will ultimately be best for your son. If you stay what are you teaching your son about love and marriage? If you are depressed and devastated most of the time how can you give your son the feeling of security and love that he deserves? Children are very sensitive to our feelings. It is hard to leave because it is the known even if it is bad. It is hard to stay because it is such a horrible situation. Take a chance. Trust yourself. You can handle this. Leave.

I filed for divorce right after my son's first birthday. It was a very hard choice and honestly very sad but in the end it was the best thing for us all. I believe that the last thing a child needs to see is his mom or dad hurting the other whether it be emotional or physical. Happy parents will be much better than depressed emotionally withdrawn parents. You must also think of yourself and your mental well being. If you are not mentally well you cannot give your son all that he needs and deserves. No one can make this decision for you however I know that in my case it was the only viable solution for myself to keep my sanity. My son's dad and I now get along well and know that it was for the best. Please do what is best for you as that will be what is best for your son in the long run. Also, we never want to show our children that it is ok to stay in a situation that is harmful to them to benefit others. Please do take care of yourself Amna. I send you many happy healthy thoughts!!

Yes, a marraige and family is worth fighting for! Yes, a divorce will hurt your son.
What can you both do to make the marriage more fulfilling? What is missing. Men want to know the problemso they can fix it, not over analyze and talk about feelings. You say he is emotionally abusive. Is he really? Men are wired different than woman and look at things differently.
As the woman, you hold the power to make the marriage happy. Remember that saying if momma ain't happy than nobody is happy? It is so true. The last year has been one of adjustment with a new baby. It takes time to settle into a new routine.
It's important to remember treat each other like boyfriend/girlfriend. It's easy to pass on date night or sex because of being too busy, too tired. But these are important for any marraige.
It's easy to fall in the cycle of treating each other badly. So many people are nicer to the store clerk than his or her spouse.
If this current counselor isn't helping, find another.
When my hubby and I hit a rough patch, Dr. Laura books really helped us. "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", "Proper Care and Feeding of Marraige", Stupid Things couples do to Mess Up Their Relationship".

Amna I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

My husband and I did counseling and it took us 2 years to finally get to the point where I can say I am happy and we have a good marriage. We still have our issues and arguments, though things are 1,000 times better then before we tried counseling.

The thing you have to remember is your relationship with your husband is how your son will view marriage. He will follow his father's behavior, and treat women in the same fashion. IS that what you want him growing up to be?

A child is always better off when his parents are happy even if that means them being apart. Talk openly with your marital counselor about your feelings, fears, and anxieties for your son as well as yourself.

Without being in your situation I can not give a opinion either way so I will give both sides of the coin as I see them. First I don't generally believe divorce is the answer. In my marriage my husband and I have taken the idea off the table I believe we can get through anything. However some have told me I am young and naive for this decision. I believe that if you loved the person enough to marry and have children with than you should fight for that. At the same time if you were young and stupid and married someone you don't know than no you should not necessarily stay with them. I think it is better to divorce when a child is younger than once they are older and are able to internalize it. I have a nephew who's parents divorced before he was born and he is now 5 and has adjusted great since that is all he has ever known. Don't stay or go for your son it is a decision you have to make for yourself. If you stay in your marriage for him you will end up resenting him and that wont be good for any of you. If it were me I would figure out how I got into this situation and see a therapist yourself.

The only one that knows the future is God. Ask Him. Submit your cares to Him for He loves you.

J.

I think you have answered your own question. He would be better off with you full time. I am certain your mind is elsewhere and you probably are not giving him the attention he needs if you are depressed. Sometimes you just have to walk away and move on. Only you know if that is the case or not.

The one thing to consider is finances. I left a similar relationship when my son was 3. Emotionally it has been wonderful and I have never regretted it for a minute. My ex has actually become a nice guy (I guess it was just a possession issue with him, once I wasn't his any more he turned around-definitely not the norm).
The one hard thing for me has been money. I want to be home with my son but I can't. It literally tears my heart out every week and it has been 6 years. It is really hard to make it on your own too.
You need a plan, find family or friends willing to care for your little one, a job, and a place to stay you can afford. Once you have your ducks in a row, you can calmly make the decision to walk away and do what's best for your little man!
Good Luck!

Sorry about that, this lap top is very sensitive. Happiness is not a feeling, being happy is a decision, for example, i wake up every morning and decide that no matter what happens today 'm going to have a good day, I may have bad moments, but i don't have bad days. at mine and my husbands 13th year mark we went through a really rough time, but had we given up we would never had what we have today, lasdt month we celebrated our 28 year together, and at 13 years if it had not been for our 3 children we both would have walked. The result is we learned to look at things differently and our grown childrens family is still in tack. J. L.

Hello Amna:

I am so sorry to hear that you've been going through this tough times. My only advise is do what your gutt tells you. I know that you have a 1 year old boy but remember that your son will be happier if you are happy. And if he continues to see how miserable you are with your husband, then he's going to be miserable as well. Hang in there.... Take care and good luck to you.

Dear Amna, I know that struggling in a marriage is the pits. I've been there. It's normal to get depressed, angry, sad going through such a stressful time. I do think that divorces affect kids, however children are resilient and live with the life they have. Have you and your husband been going to counseling together? If so- does your counselor see any progress one way or another....are you getting clarity on the situation...whether the two of you will work together?

Every situation is different, and you may find people want to share with you...maybe not to help you....but to air their own pain. If your husband really is "emotionally abusive", then I think the best thing for you and your son would be to get out of the marriage.

Does your husband want to maintain the marriage? Are the two of you willing to change/grow? My ex finally said "I know I should do these things with J, but I don't want to." So there you go.

God bless you.

If you've tried counseling and the marriage is emotionally abusive GET OUT -- you may actually hurt your son more by exposing him to a bad marriage than the whole divorce. He is young enough to adjust to a divorce w/o too much backlash at this point -- it is actually harder on older kids -- they think it was their fault or that they can do something to make it better or behave horrible because they feel out of control. My friend got divorced when her daughter was less than 1 yr and it was the best idea. Her daughter is now over 13 and is legally able to choose how much or little she wants to see her dad and on what terms -- ie not w/ his new wife and step kid.

You have to be at your best emotionally to be there for your son. Do what you have to do.

Hi Amna

I think that if you are in an emotionally abusive marriage you should get out of it. It is not healthy for your son to see any kind of abusive relationship. He learns from what he sees. You also need to be happy in your relationship.

Having come from the same type of marriage I know how you are feeling. (I didn't have any kids with him tho.) You will be a lot happier out of the marriage. It is hard for people to chance no matter what they say.

You need to take some time and look at your marriage from the outside, which is not easy to do. And you will see everything that isn't good about it. Sorry I am kinda all of the place with advice. I just hate for people to be in a really bad relationship.

If the marriage doesn't get better, even with help, I think that it would be better to just go through with the divorce. If you're not in a healthy and happy relationship, it's hard not to show your unhappiness even when you're trying to hide it for your child's sake. The kids know and it effects them. It's better not to have them growing up in an unhappy home.

If he's not committed to fixing things and being sensitive to your feelings then you should seriously consider getting out. Your emotional and mental health is key to your sons growth, emotional well being, feelings of security and so much more.
Your son is young enough now that he will not experience the feelings of guilt and responsibility that older children so often suffer terribly from.
Staying in a bad marriage is never a good idea. No one benefits from it.
Good luck.

What are you doing to make things better? You once loved eachother sooo much that you had to get married and make a baby together. What has changed? Did you fall in love with an abusive jerk? If you have a good man you need to recognize that and make your marriage work. Maybe you are not behaving like the woman he married. Men have very simple needs...if you love and appreciate them they will do anything for you. Are you too tired at the end of the day to give your man the love that he needs? If that is the case, than he is going to act like a neglected jerk.
I have been married for 13 years, have 3 kids, and have ALWAYS put my marriage first. If we are not happy then our children won't feel secure.
If you are married to an abusive man than you should leave. If you are married to a good man then you need to be accountable and look at how you are contributing to the failure of your marriage. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have a lot of friends going through divorce and it is horrible for the kids.
I highly recommend reading Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding of Husband's". It is a wonderful, insightful and easy to read book that will help you a ton!
good luck!

As a child of divorce, I would say to do whatever you can to save your marriage.