Marriage Advice - Sensitive Subject Matter

That would make me feel the same way :(. I would feel also rejected and sad, sorry I don't have any advice for you but you have my sympathy.

You are not crazy. What I heard the loudest in your post is "him being pissed that I can never be happy." I think there may be more to that comment than anything else. Best of luck finding a therapist to help YOU. You deserve to be happy, regardless of what your hubby may think.

I fully support you in finding a good therapist and focusing on yourself. I spent years feeling crazy and like everything was my fault until I decided to heal myself. I spent 17 years in a marraige with a sex addict being a perfect codependent partner. I took all the blame. I tried fixing him. I felt crazy. I was depressed (which turned out to be tons of anger that I deeply supressed). And nothing ever changed.

As I took responsiblity for my own misery and "craziness", I began to realize the I had a wounded heart that perfectly matched his wounded heart and that was why I felt stuck in the relationship. I chose to heal my heart and to see whether that would allow him to heal too or whether it would allow me to move on. For me, I healed and moved on.

I learned about extreme self-care. I learned about boundaries. I learned to stop blaming and to find the unconcious belief systems that I had that allowed me to stay in a destructive cycle in my life. I learned that forgiveness was about letting go of the "shoulds" and facing "what is". I learned that "victim" meant I believed I had no choices.

I created a support system for myself: a great therapist (that was really good at giving me the reality checks and telling me the things I sometimes didn't want to hear), group support, friends that I could vent with but then would support me in processing rather than staying stuck in the blame.

I resourced myself as best as I could with: retreats and time for myself, reading tons of supportive and informative books, having plenty of hot chocolate, tissues, and a soft cuddly blanket on hand for the really hard days, plenty of paper for writing out the bs in my head and anger journaling, giving myself permission to scream in the car when I was mad and sob my heart out when I was grieving.

I actually have "permission" printed on the back of my business cards. I have found more than anything that each of my clients (and myself) simply need permission to put themselves first, to heal their own lives, and to release the other people in their lives to care for themselves (or not).

I think the idea of you seeking a counselor is awesome. You can't fix a marriage for both of you, but you can learn some skills that help you communicate in such a way that he hears you. The thing with the sex is just a symptom of the greater problem that is hearing and being heard by your partner.

You are not crazy. There is nothing worse than going to your partner with a hurt or concern and feeling completely invalidated. Drives me batcrap crazy. You really do walk away thinking, "Am I crazy? How is it possible that he sees this not at all?!"

Counseling is an awesome option!

I agree with Jill F. that his "being pissed that you can never be happy" is a red flag. You shared how you felt (sad) and he was dumbfounded and became angry. That and "he acted like I was crazy for... " sounds like he is dismissing you for having wants and feelings. Not good.

I think that seeing a therapist by yourself is a great idea. Best of luck to you.

You are not crazy at all. I would feel the same way... He may also have problems keeping it up, I had a friend who married an older man, well, compared to her, 15 year difference, and she would go months without it... I do know there is some sort of hormone boost every time I get it, because I go from ready to divorce him to he's the best thing since slice bread...

Good for you for seeking counseling. You are right, can't change anyone but can change yourself...

Do you feel respected by him? Does he praise you? Does he try to do things for you that make your day better?

Do you respect the good qualities he possesses? Do you have his interests in mind when you make decisions or schedule your day? How often do you tell him you appreciate him and what he does to support you?

You said that your arguments never really get resolved. My hunch is that your disagreements may all start for different reasons, but probably end the same - with the same or similar issues at the end of each one. What I mean is, you seem to fight about the same things over and over.

What can seem like poor communication between the two of you, often masquerades as a lack of respect. Lack of respect for eachother's feelings, knowledge, forsight, etc.

Fortunately, respect for a spouse is a learned behavior, and can be re-learned. There was likely a lot of respect 10+ years ago when you were dating, and probably for the first little bit of your marriage. But as your life together has progressed, the attributes in eachother that you both fell head over heals for have sort of been pushed aside. There is likely some animosity going on over the drudgery that life has become. I don't know you, and I am not saying your life is boring or awful. But I am saying, take a look at how you feel toward your husband. How you feel toward his "me" time, toward his passion for activities, toward his drive for improvement. Does it turn you on like it used to? Does it make you want to be around him more? If not, is that because you have changed or him, or both? Do you have the same goals and amibtions? Are you working toward a common goal? Do you have anything that you do together that is working toward something bigger? Something that is exciting to think about?

Maybe he has an addiction that drives you nuts? If so, that needs to be dealt with. If he needs to stop it and won't, then there is a lack of respect for your desires. If it's just a pet peeve that you have over something mostly insignificant, then you need to let it go and focus on his better qualities.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
his personality, his drive, his ambition, his skills, his goals, his feelings

and he should be doing the same for you.

Without respect, your intimate time will only seem more "scheduled" and like a chore. With respect, he will want to be with you. He will want to touch you and feel your warmth, and the way you melt into him. He will want to make you feel good.

One more thing: Men need to be the hero.
I know, I know - we live in a feminist society. We women are capable of everything men are, with maybe the exception of heavy lifting. But this is a common mistake (myself included) we strong women make. We tend to take on more than we should. And then when it comes down to it, there is not much for the man to do. So in his sub-conscious mind he doesn't feel like he needs to be there - emotionally. How men think: "If I am not the hero, I have failed her or them." I know it sounds convoluted, but they are all pretty much wired the same in that dept. Even though he will likely not express this to you - it may be happening. Try relying on him more. Don't force him to do things. Don't make him a chore chart. But ask for his help more and let him know how much you love having him in your life. Be sure that when he does accomplish a task he is greatly rewarded with something or some act that speaks to his love language - you'll see the benefits of this soon enough.

The sad thing is that often couples find themselves in situations like this, where one is peaking and the other is waning. I think if he is not as interested as you that you do need to find someone to talk to. To discuss your feelings of rejection and the possibility of his health playing a part in his lack of interest. There are side effects from nearly every medication that effects libido, plus aging, stress, exercise routine, nutrition, depression, mood, etc...so many things go into making sex interesting. The part of sex that makes it intimacy is the most important, the mind, if it's not there then the intimacy just becomes sex and to those who have had deep intimacy sex just isn't enough...so you want the intimacy each and every time. Who wouldn't, it's usually the most mind blowing of all. Sex just relieves an...itch. But intimacy is the "wow" factor.

If he is physically or mentally unable to do more after all the talking and working through issues, and still unable to do more, then you have some options.

There of course is the addition of a 3rd party to address the physical needs you have...not the one I'd choose, the addition of adult toys to scratch the itch, all married couples should have a few fun toys (Try Slumber Party products), and then there is acceptance. If he is unable or unwilling then you have to decide what is enough. If you can do without the physical side doing differently then you can choose to stay and be happy with the intimacy you have and know it is as much as he can do. Sometimes we just have to accept they got old and lost interest....or the ability/stamina to do so.

Good for you for seeking therapy! Everyone can benefit from therapy IMO-- As for your husband, do you think he is worried, disconnected with the family, or stressed? Any of those things can effect his mood and his behavior around sex. Maybe he feels pressure for having to perform and has ED going on or something...you never know. So--I would sit down with him when its a good time for both of you and have a heart to heart. Use "I" statements and tell him how you really feel when ___________happens and that you would like to have _________ happen etc. Ask for what you need. In return, be a good listener, don't judge and really ask him how you can help him feel better in the marriage etc. Ask him what he wants from you-- when you open up the communication, things will get better. They may be really rocky for a bit--but it will settle down. Hang in there!

M

Ok, I am going to turn this around a bit, just so that you can think about it. What advice would you give this poster:

I love my husband a lot. But, he has a much higher sex drive than I do. I try to be 'in the mood' at least once a week even though my libido isn't that high, because I know we need to try to make each other happy. But this week, out of the blue, he starts to mess around for the second time in one day. I was totally caught off guard, because I thought we had worked out an unspoken compromise of once a week and I was really tired after a long day and then a few drinks. Now he's mad at me for turning him down, and all I can think is that even though I've tried to meet him more than half-way to compromise on this, I'm never going to make him happy. What should I do?

I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling hurt - I don't believe that there is a 'wrong' emotion. But I hope that the therapist can help you with your communication skills (ideally, you would both work on it, if he doesn't go, you can work on it without him), because it sounds to me like you are taking his low libido very personally when it's probably not personal at all. Everyone is different this way, and communicating honestly about it is hard.

Ack, I don't think you are crazy. It is just I don't what to say beyond that. Guys are sometimes programmed to believe that we don't want sex, that we only have it out of obligation. Another stereotype is that it is no big deal to us when we don't get it. This could explain his disbelief that you would be angry.

Seeing a therapist is a great idea. Another is communicating with him when there is not an issue. What I mean is while you are upset isn't a good time to start a deep discussion on how often one might want sex. When we are angry or hurt we perceive things differently, inaccurately, than when we are calm.

I think its like you said, that you have been married 10 years and are kind of stuck in a rut. You probably threw him off by wanting it 2x in one day! He just didn't know what to expect and instead of being excited and jumping on it, he handled it the opposite which hurt your feelings, and understandably. If it were me, I would just sit him down and be honest with him and tell him you want to make things better between the two of you. Try to have some things in mind before you start talking to him about how you BOTH can make changes for the better. Lots of us have been thru this. Congrats on getting therapy for yourself, that is a great start. Good luck!

rejection hurts. don't feel bad. i dont understand why, since he was turned on, that he didn't want to see it through? Has he ever been more sexual or wanted it more often? Is there some reason he thinks it should only be once a day?

Is there any way possible he is struggling with his sexuality? I don't mean to plant a seed of doubt, but I had a male friend that was struggling with his sexuality. He said when his wife would perform oral sex on him he would get excited, but he had no interest in having missionary style sex with her. His erection went down thinking about lady parts. He eventually had to have only oral and anal sex with her and after a while, even that wasn't working so he had to admit to himself that he was gay.

Hi--
My husband and I are working on similar issues, although he is willing to talk and we are making great progress. I just finished a book that I found super helpful on this subject, and my husband is reading it now. It's called "That Elixir called love" by ramtha. It is pretty intense, but gives you a wholes new perspective on how to love and be loved. It might help. I also think it might be helpful to read "The Five Love Languages" (can't remember the author). The theory is that everyone has a way of feeling loved, and if your partner is not speaking your love language then, in essence, you're starving. Pinpointing the love language you both speak can help you get on the same page and understand the other one. For me, my love language is physical touch. When my husband wasn't touching me I felt rejected all the time---he was really stressed with his job and had no idea I was feeling the way I was. Now that he knows he's making a point of rubbing my back, touching me, holding my hand, etc, even if we don't have the time or opportunity for more in depth things ;-).
Hope these ideas help!
J.

I would feel hurt and rejected as well. But there have been times in my marriage where something like that would have affected me more or affected me less. In other words, how healthy your relationship currently is affects how deeply you feel something. A year ago my husband and I were not getting along well at all and my feelings of neglect (he travelled out of state for work during the week and we weren't connecting very well when he was home) turned into feeling very angry towards him. When something like what you experienced occurred it was way more likely to turn into a fight. It hurt me a lot more since were weren't doing very well. My love bank was empty, so anything negative between us was an overdraft and spiraled us that much further down. In reaction to feeling un-cherished by him I started to resent him and my feelings of affection towards him evaporated. I would look at him and despise him. We both new we were headed in the wrong direction and one that didn't include a happy ending. So after going away for a girls weekend and having time to think and talk about things with my cousin, my husband and I sat down and talked things out. We both expressed our commitment to each other despite our unhappiness. So we talked about counseling and decided to spend that money on dating each other again (getting sitters regularly) since our insurance doesn't cover counseling (but my sister swears her marriage was saved by their good therapist). We both said we want to stay married and be happy, so we told each other what we needed from each other. Just having the conversation and re-committing to be kind and loving changed our hearts and started us in the right direction for our marriage spiral upwards instead of down. If I was getting a drink and thought he might be thirsty I made myself get him one even if I wasn't feeling loving towards him. We both just started by doing things that you do towards someone you like, and we both responded to the kindness. Our marriage didn't get fixed immediately, but our attitudes and focus did and gradually we got our marriage back to a loving and supportive and happy relationship. As we cuddle or laugh together the thought frequently occurs to me that life is so much better now that we like each other and are nice to each other. I quickly recognize when we're falling back into old patterns and point the triggers out to my husband so we can prevent backsliding to the point we were at before. I never want to get that bad again. It's much easier to keep a good thing good than to try to fix something that's broken. I'm so glad we did the work to get it back to a good place, because we both were miserable and it affected our other relationships and interactions in other parts of our lives. And now the same thing has happened but in a wonderful way. And if he rejected my sexual advances now that we're on good terms, I would still feel hurt and rejected, but I would unattackingly talk to him about it we'd work it out (he'd probably explain where he's coming and I would listen and try to understand, knowing that he's not out to hurt me) instead of me getting sulky and adding one more thing to the list of reasons he's a jerk. Now that we get along I notice the nice things he does more and realize his intentions are good, whereas before I focused on his bad behavior and thought he had malicious intent.