Hi MOMS,
some of you remember my post, this is a sad continuation. I stopped completely drinking (used to have 2-3 a couple of times per week mostly when husband was around to calm down). I went to see family law attorney who gave me terrible news. I paid $225 for the 1 hour consultation, I was afraid that the free consultation wont give me enough information. Basically, this all comes down to money. If I were to proceed to file for either divorce or separation I need to pay a retainer. Then here is the worst part. The new law goes into affect on oct 12 . There are 2 parts to the new law: one- no vault cause for termination of marriage, second (this is the bad one for me) the spouce making more $ is responsible for maintenance fees to the other spouce. Guess what moms, on paper tax returns I do make more, but in reality he does. He is self employed carpenter. So if I file before the law, then i guess i wont have to pay the fees, but i have to make my decision. Here is the issue with that. My father in law came to my house crying and begging to work things out. My mother in law called me and also suggested marriage counseling that now my husband agreed to go to. My husband started to act like a perfect husband: taking care of kids, staying home etc. As the matter of fact he is acting like nothing happend, happy and whistling, singing songs.
What to do moms? Help
nothing happened yet. we are not talking, it has been 2 weeks. He is acting like a perfect father.
He sent me a text message asking if I am at a point to talk. I guess I am but need to know how to prepare myself for it. I dont want to cry, I want to be strong and act like I am not afraid. Any ideas?
Just remember this. People NEVER change. He will try for a while, but things will go back to the way they were.
I would agree to go to counseling and hope things get better, hope and pray you can work things out for the kids sake. meanwhile hide away some money a little bit at a time and pay attention to try to notice if he is hiding money from you. This sounds bad but you have to protect yourself and your children. Is there alimony in your state? If so you could easily end up paying HIM alimony every month because technically he makes less than you. Make sure you have credit in your name alone! if you don't already get a credit card in just your name and use it but make your monthly payments. Make sure you have a bank account in just your name, just say you felt he was spending so much time away from you it made you nervous about what could happen, do not tell anyone you are getting ready for a divorce!!! If you have a joint account and can afford it take some of that money and put it into college accounts for the kids. He may not feel like contributing to their education later, but right now he's being the perfect dad. Make sure your kid's school/church/ etc see you, not him, are the primary care taker of your kids, go to parent teacher conferences, back to school nights, doctor apts, dentist apts. etc
If he is ever physically violent-make a police report! It must be on record or it doesnt count. it will just look like you are making something up to get custody of the kids or not pay alimony.
in other words;
Prepare for the Worst Hope for the Best!
I don't remember your other post so don't know they *why* of why you want out. It should maybe come down to this-if you love him give it a try.
One more thing: you say that "on paper" you make more. It sounds to me like he may be working under the table and not reporting income. THAT is not OK and it is ILLEGAL. Could be something to use against him. Don't be afraid to go for the jugular.
This is going to sound horrible to some but it might make sure your husband is on the up and up and willing to continue with his "perfect husband" act. Go ahead and file. Tell him that if he means he wants to make things work and do the MC then he will continue to prove himself to you despite the fact you filed.
You can always table the divorce if he continues to show he has changed.
I.,
Be brave, be fearless, and be wise. Not just for your children but for yourself. In your last question I recommended the movie FIREPROOF. I still recommend that movie. Hold your husband accountable for his actions, reward good behavior and document bad behavior from him.
Make some friends, get involved in some groups, organizations, and the like to help strengthen you. I know that can be a very scarry thing but it is very necessary. We all need each other.
Only you can make the final decision about what you should do. I would go ahead and file for divorce as well as go to counseling. I wouldn't allow my fear or lack of funds deter me. I would save as much as I can in preparation for what ever the future holds and I would definitely see the movie recommended. It may change your life and your marriage. I pray the best for you and your family.
I am curious what has happened since. Out of curiosity too, have you tried going with him to the cabin and making it a family vacation? Asked him to decrease the frequency with which he goes? Being physical is not okay so I am wondering what happened with that as well. I just find it interesting when all of my friends complain because their husbands occasionally play games for instance. I'm the only one I know of who decided to pick up a controller and play with my husband. I don't do it all the time by any means, but by doing it once in a while, it shows I care about his interests too. And, BTW, people don't change just because they get married. I've changed in some ways because I've grown/matured/learned more, but to expect someone to give up their pasttime without discussing it with them if that was their plan was a little presumptious. I am sorry for your little ones. As a child of divorce and one that was necessary because my father beat my mother and me and was an adulterer, I wouldn't wish it on anyone unless it was a safety thing. My life as an adult is STILL affected by my parents being divorced. I hope you have decided to try counseling so that both of you can find an even ground you are happy with.
wow, give it a second try. Remember, time wasted is more money
Most with marital problems like mine do not work out as well as mine, but I will give you my story and let you decide if it is relevent. My husband was the drinker, we were both so depressed, finally I said I needed to leave. He begged me to stay, said he would do anything to keep our marriage, and stopped drinking for a short time. Since our marriage is one from friendship, and that I sincerely love him, I stayed. Within 6 months it was back to the same old. I said I was going to leave and started looking for a place. He stopped again, got nice again, I stayed.
AFter two more times like this, we were in counceling and the coucelor asked me what would happen if I stayed this time? I realized that the same thing would happen, so I found an apartment and moved out.
Today we are together, he doesn't drink and neither do I, we are no longer depressed, and we have dates and fun, and talk like we did 30 years ago when we were dating.
It took courage, money, and the realization that I would never be happy with the status quo. I found out I could be alone if necessary. My husband realized that he had to dig deep if he wanted the relationship to last.
Most men aren't that committed, so I've heard. But who wants to be around that anyway? My life is better than that!
Good luck!
I don't know much about the law. But, if you file now..does that mean that you won't have to pay and there is still time before the divorce actually happens to see if he is real or not. Maybe he is just stalling because he also knows that if you wait, he will get more $. If that is true and you file now, his true colors will show.
I don't know the whole situation but I do know that you do not need an attorney to file for divorce. Only if there are issues with property and custody do you really need one. Free consultations I think are better. Paying for one shows the attorney that you will pay anything to get them to help you. Be careful.
I agree with the other mothers who say to have a separate account and credit. IF there is a joint account, either one of you can drain it at any time. The in-laws need to butt out. They are trying to guilt you into staying with their "perfect" son. Politely tell them you are thankful for their concern, but it's between you and their son.
NEVER STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR THE CHILDREN!
Nanc
