Marriage Question - Springfield,VA

If you have kids, you owe it to them to try counseling.

Yes, I've been there. I'd say there was a pretty bad three years. It's possible to come out of it and like/love each other again.

I was there. I finally told my husband it was time for him to stop making idle threats - if he wanted to leave to just leave. I prayed hard - that I would be able to deal with it and go back to work full time (I work just less than full time), that the kids would be fine, etc. We were having one last family holiday dinner at our house since it had already been planned. When he ws driving his mom home afterwards another driver ran a stop sign, my husband avoided him and hit a tree. He and his mom were in the hospital a week. He was injured significanlty - out of work for 6 months, he thought I hated him when I arrived at the hospital that night - and frankly he was not my faovirte person at that point. But we worked it out. 5 years later - our marriage is stronger and better than it's ever been.

5 years ago I couldn't stand him. Now I really love him. I know he couldn't stand me, it was impacting our kids, our health, etc. We had some deep, deep scars running through our 15 year marriage - back to the beginning. We worked through it.

My advice - unless he's abusive or an addict - try, really try to work it out. List out the things you used to love about him - the reasons you fell in love. Try to focus on those things. It's not easy! If you can get past this your marriage will be so much stronger, so much better. Now with one kid in college and another 2 years from college we are planning retirement and looking forward to it. Had we diovorced I'd be looking at another 10 years of working like a dog to make up for the financial shortfall that comes with divorce. Life after divorce is not easy (I was married to an alcoholic and divorced before I met my husband - counseling helped me make that decision) it seems like it's so much better than dealing with a crappy marriage - but in most instances it's just not.

Good luck mama. Life is not easy is it?

If you know beyond the shadow of doubt that you are done, then counseling is a waste of time and money.
If you feel that there is still a glimmer of hope to resolve things, the counseling will help you to see if it's actually fixable or not.
Counseling actually helped me to see that I was better off without my ex than with him.

ETA:
RachelJ, not every sickness results in a closer bond or can be endured by the spouse. I was married to an alcoholic. He would get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse. In the nine years we were together, he drank himself out of six jobs, into the ER three times, exhausted our savings paying for five rehab stints (relapsing after every one), almost drank our house into foreclosure, and alienated many of our friends. His sickness was killing me as well as him, and letting him take me down with him was NOT in my marriage vows.

I'm divorced. My ex and I went to counseling. The counseling helped me make the decision to separate. We didn't divorce until a couple of years later. I moved back to Oregon and he stayed in Arizona so there was no need to get a divorce immediately. The two year wait that included phone conversation made getting a divorce easy. I was no longer emotionally attached and I'd given saving the marriage a try.

Counseling helped me understand why our marriage wasn't working so that I made an informed decision. We didn't have kids together, although he had a son in middle school to consider. Counseling helped making the decision about him.

I suggest it will be helpful for you even if he doesn't go. There are many things to to getting divorced, especially when children are involved. You
will learn things about yourself that may change the dynamics of your family and make staying in the marriage possible.

I would really advise you to go through and read posts of mom's trying to co parent with their exs and all that entails! We've had a lot of those lately. Sharing custody splitting holidays and having various women or men in and out of their kids lives etc and having no say or control at what happens on his time with the kids. Divorce is not an easy solution when kids are involved. Everyone has times they want to throw in the towel. But working through it and upholding your vows that is something amazing

You want a divorce because of medical issues? Rough times. We went thru really rough times. I was critically ill. Incredible bills even with insurance, four young kids etc my. When we took our vows it was "in sickness and in health." Marriage is a lot of work. No one ever said it would be easy. We are coming up on 40 years. Maybe there is more to your story maybe not. It's worth working things out. Good luck.

I was previously married; we did go to counseling before I decided to leave. I'm not sure my ex would have ever pressed for divorce, no matter how miserable we were. I feel like marriage deserves the effort to try and work through things, sadly, couples don't usually get counseling when it's most beneficial-- before you get married. My husband (now) and I decided to go to counseling before we legally married-- we've been together for 13 years now.

You can re-learn how to communicate with each other. Even counseling for yourself would be helpful before divorcing, and certainly before entering any new relationship. We carry our own part of the problems we had with us--- knowing what is 'our stuff' and how not to make the same mistakes is important.

ETA: I just want to say thanks to all of you ladies who took time to share their stories and perspectives. I didn't ask this question, yet I've seen a lot of thoughts here which ring true.

When you say there have been medical issues, are you certain that is not the center of your problems? You mentioned it, so it must be a factor.

Maybe everyone needs to take a deep breath and deal with the problems, without emotions.

Medical problems can wear on any person. They are physically, mentally, and financiall draining.

Try to get some help first.

I have been through that. I actually thought about trying to work, take care of the kids, pay a house payment, utilities, child care with assistance from the state, getting food stamps, taking care of car repairs and all the cost of it, and the whole father and mother thing at the same time.

I knew that many judges are siding with the men too and that custody/guardianship of the grand kids wouldn't be guaranteed to me either. I certainly didn't want to be paying child support to him either. I knew that spousal support is a thing of the past in most cases because the judges expect women to be out supporting themselves and the kids.

I also thought about being stuck with the same furniture I had now, not being able to afford vacations or to do fun things with the kids, no school pictures, dance lessons or piano lessons, etc...

I thought long and hard about it. I then thought about what wasn't working in my marriage and was it so horrible that I'd be better off out in the world on my own. I weighed it very carefully.

I decided I would rather be in a so so marriage than to be out there single and trying to manage all that on my own.

So we sat down and started working through issues where he didn't treat me how I wanted to be treated. He had some things that were bothering him too.

I was tired of trying to do it all.

I gave him chores and they're his, only his. If they don't get done they sit for a month. He is the one that has to do them and then his laziness gets him in the end because he's the one gagging over the trash he let sit in the garage for weeks and let it rot. He's the one that threw up on the floor then had to go clean it up. He's the one that had to dump rotting food into the disposal if he doesn't do the dishes.

He only let them go a time or two then he gets his butt in there and does them regularly now. He may not do them every single day but we don't use a lot of dishes.

Sometimes you just have to walk away and let people learn from natural consequences. He learned that doing the dishes before the food in them rots is a good idea. He learned that taking the trash out to the trash area before it sits in the heat and rots and rots is a good idea.

We treat each other with more respect now because I stopped being his doormat and servant. I'm a total B sometimes towards him and he treats me better than when we were first married. He does this because he sees the independent strong person he fell in love with.

So look at your life and what benefits you gain from being married to him. Chances are if you do divorce him the next guy you fall for will have flaws too. And they might even be worse than this guys.

Two people who want to be married and live a companionable life together, to build a future with can work it out. You don't have to have a palpitating heart every time he walks in the room but you can be happy and content with your life if you take control and work on changing the situation to something you and he can both thrive in and move forward.

My husband and I have come close twice, but we sat down and decided we BOTH wanted to make it work, and both times we attended counseling. The first time it was not good. We didn't get to the root of anything and didn't learn how to communicate, so we were good for a couple of years, but then went right back to it.

The last time we went was over 2 years ago and I can't honestly tell you the last time we had a blow out fight, because we learned how to communicate. Our therapist also made us be vulnerable to each other - more so than ever before. It has saved our marriage and our family.

Ten years is a long time to be married, and a huge accomplishment in my book. *I* think you both have to give it your all, if you both want it to work. I would never recommend anyone to break apart their family without giving it their all first.

It depends on what you think counseling is for. If you think it's only to "save this marriage" and you feel you are done, then there's not point. But the point of counseling is usually to understand yourself, what you want, how you communicate, and how you read the other person's communications. So it's a really good move in separating in a healthy way. Otherwise you will carry the hurts and the wounds and the anger and the mistakes forward with you to another relationship. And if there are children involved, it's essential to have better communication in order to co-parent and to help them through the change. You also say you "may just want a divorce" so you're not really clear - that's what counseling helps to do. It's okay to tell the counselor you don't know for sure what the end result will be and that you think you are done. The counselor's job is to help you sort out your feelings and come to some sort of resolution, to be in a better place if you do go through divorce. Don't have a goal beyond clarity of communication and purpose, and then see where things lead.

If you have children, then at least try counseling. You want to be able to tell your kids one day that you gave it your all...

Well, I can say that we have been there. Hard to believe it is almost 10 years now. My husband got hurt at work. The place they sent him said he had a sprain and after a time off said he could return. After a lot of problems, it turned out he has a herniated disc and later had to have back surgery. We went through a lot. During those years, it was like I had 2 more kids (had 3 at the time). He did return to work doing something else but was eventually let go during a settlement of the case. he has not returned to a regular job since. We also have had 2 kids since, have 2 boys with medical issues that can be life threatening. Have had many uip and downs. I can say that I have had moments I would say I am mentally finished. But I don't think I MAY want a divorce. I think that may be your key word. I also think counseling would work, if he refuses, then you go yourself.

Can you give us more info on the medical issues? It breaks my heart when I see marriages fall apart because someone is tired of being a caretaker or when people have medical problems beyond their control. Not sure if this is your situation. If it is, please look into getting some household or caregiving help, not to mention counseling as many have said already.

Additionally, if you are going through a difficult time, please don't add to the stress by having kids, getting pets, and taking on any additional responsibilities. Just focus on deciding if the marriage will work or not.

Marriage is a tough one. I met my husband in 1988 - we married in 1994. It is not always easy, but anything that is worth anything is work.

No one can tell you what to do. Only you know that for sure.

Here is what I do know after 20 years of marriage...if you MAY want a divorce, you don't want one. Look at it this way...when he asked you to marry him, did you say MAYBE, you said yes. So today if it is a maybe, then it's still a yes. It really is that simple.

Sit back, take a couple of deep breaths and ask yourself questions like these: Do I love him? Am I in love with him? Do I want to be with him? Am I a better person because of him? Do I help him be a better person?

Marriage is work and often it is worth it.

B.

Exactly what Gamma G said. I just went thru this. This past winter after 13 yrs of marriage. The relationship had been failing for the past few years. I had told myself one year prior to this past winter that if things hadn't changed in a year, then I would do something. So I did. I told him I wanted a divorce. He tried the whole "I'll change, we can work on this" and I just felt like he'd said that before and nothing ever changed, he never really "heard" me, you know. Well, this time he knew for damn sure that I was serious, I was done. I didn't have any faith left that we could work things out. We started prepping to sell the house and we each started looking for new homes, figuring things out etc. We talked. He listened. He heard me. We worked things out. His eyes were opened. Our relationship is now better than ever. We respect each other. He helps out around the house realizing that I'm not his maid. He participates more with our kids. He really really realized what he almost lost and now he's appreciative of what he has. And so am I. I see know how marriages have ups and downs. Our "down" started around the 10yr mark. I thought for sure we were past counseling also, didn't even want to try it. My advice is to work at this. Do something. Take sometime for the two of you, get away, have real conversations about real things, cry together, laugh together again. Rediscover each other. It might just be totally worth it.

I think both of you have to be committed to working things out for counseling to work. If you aren't willing to see your fault in the situation or willing to change how you approach things then counseling is a waste of time.

We went to counseling. I figured we owed DD that much. We were at a breaking point. It was not easy, but we are still married and things are better. I would also say that 10ish yrs was hard. I don't know why. We will be married 12 this summer but together for more like 15. The difference between me and the women who got divorced was that we made changes for each other. Had he not changed, my answer here would be different.

Medical issues is hard. Some are workable and some are not. For example, a friend's ex's untreated depression made her draw the line. A friend's boyfriend of 6 years dropped her like a hot potato when she was diagnosed with cancer. But other friends have stuck together through auto-immune diseases or cancer. It really varies.

I have been divorced and I am happily remarried. I will tell you this. When I was married to my ex, I flat out told him I was not happy and listed a few things that he needed to change. He agreed and said he would. But he didn't. Didn't even TRY! So one day I literally woke up and had enough. I called my mom to keep the kids overnight and I kicked him out when he got home from work. Then I immediately filed for divorce. My point is, do NOT take getting divorced lightly. It is HORRIBLE for the kids and then you have a crappy ex to deal with and that in itself brings a bunch of problems. So talk to him, try to figure out together how you can make changes to make it work and do everything you can. Then if you do divorce, you will know in your heart of hearts that YOU did everything you could to stay married. Good luck.

what does your husband think? does he want to work it out or give up? a marriage is 2 people brought together as one. i think its best that you discuss the matter with him and see if he wants a divorce or counseling