Mean Mommy!

Hi, K.!

Isn't it interesting how, as we write about a problem, we discover there is more to the problem than we first realized? I think it's so good that you got to the issue with your husband. I'm just another mom giving advice, but I think a big part of your struggles with your daughter will be eliminated or at least controlled if you and hubby can get on the same page. I don't think that's easy in ANY household! And if he's still in emotional bondage over his own childhood, he's not going to be the best he can be as a father to his children.

So, the first thing I think you should do is have a good talk with him, at a time when you can have privacy and he won't be defensive. You both need to think through what you really want to achieve in raising this daughter of yours - what are your overarching goals? Then, decide what 4 or 5 rules you can agree on that are not negotiable. Also decide on the consequences. More than anything, your daughter needs to see her parents as in agreement and a TEAM in parenting her! That will actually give her more security and she will know where her boundaries are. That's especially helpful with ADHD!

The next most important thing you can do is devise ways to really set a family identity. Plan a movie night (and don't take it away as a consequence, since this is for family identity), complete with popcorn, blankets on the floor, whatever. Establish some rituals and routines that everyone can look forward to (every Saturday morning, we get donuts; every Sunday after church, we have chicken, etc). More than anything, get the focus off YOU as a mean mommy, which YOU ARE NOT! If the rules and consequences are set in place and known by everyone (make a couple of posters and put one in the kitchen and one in her bedroom), then YOU aren't the bad guy for reminding her of the rules, nor for giving a consequence. And your husband HAS to follow the rules and enforce the consequences, too. It's not fair to put all the discipline - or a better word is TRAINING - on you. Gently make him grow up in this area and take responsibility. Just because he suffered as a child doesn't mean he gets a free ride as an adult. :)

But again, I think it is just as important to get some fun, positive activities in place, too. Take the focus off your daughter's ADHD and your role as mean mommy, and put structure, rules, and playtime in place, and hopefully, things will get better!

God bless you in all this!

Katrina,
My 16 year old son is the same way and it has improved very little with time. However I have improved a little, too. I know I have to stand there and watch him get his things together or he'll forget and I know I have to remind him 10 times to get dressed or he'll forget and I know if he goes up to get his socks that he won't remember to get his shoes.

Part of it is just knowing that the kids are not doing it on purpose and that they cannot change the way their brain works. But you can change your expectations and routines and work with your child on what she wants to do to make mornings better.

Sometimes it's terrible out our house. But 3 out of 5 times it's good.

Just decide what you want. I choose to help him get ready and have him leave with me telling him I love him. Some days when things go wrong I choose to scream like a banshee.... but everyone has bad days.

Your husband is another issue. He is her father. You both have to decide what you want to do parenting-wise and come to terms that you can agree upon.

Hi K.! I also have a child with adhd and I know that it's tough. My stepson Dalton (who is now 11) was diagnosed with adhd at the age of 8 with having adhd. We decided to seek medical attention for him after having plenty of trouble with him both at school and at home. Before returning to live with his mother last year he lived with my husband and myself full time (since birth with my husband and about 3 years with myself). Anyhow while he was with us we tried numerous tactics in order to help him be able to concentrate on different tasks and to make things a little easier for ourselves and his teachers at school. Just as you have done with your daughter I also had a chart made up for him that showed what he was expected to do daily and limited his time frame on the majority of everything he does. Of course he was also on medication for the adhd at the time however that will only do so much for them. As for us I did not treat him any differently than any other child when it came to responsibilities that he were to maintain. We had both a reward and consequence system set in place for him. He is allowed 2 hours of "screen time" per day which includes computers, television, video games etc. How he spends his 2 hours is his decision however once it is up it is up. We enrolled him in Taekwondo classes which he attended four days a week and this allowed him to learn discipline and self control as well as gave him an outlet to expel some of that extra energy he had stored away. As for our reward and consequence system it was fairly simple for every time he got into trouble or magically "forgot" to do something a privilege was taken away from him. However for every day of the week he performed as he should he was rewarded a spending allowance. This is how it worked: Each week he would be given $10 for completing his chores, schoolwork, and behaving as he was expected to. When it came to school he would receive daily color markings letting us know how his behavior was that day in school and how he completed his assignments. Green meant he did excellent that day, yellow meant he was warned once, red meant that he'd been warned twice and black meant that he completely disrupted the classroom and ignored the teacher's instructions. For each day that he brought home a yellow marking he lost a half hour of screen time for each day the rest of that week, for each red mark he lost a hour of screen time for each day the rest of that week, and for each black mark he lost all screen time privileges for the rest of the week. At that point he was to read a book for the duration of time that he'd lost. In order to ensure that he had plenty of reading materials we visited out local library once a week and he was allowed to check out 5 books at a time. Let's just say that the first year he read a lot of books and averaged reading all 5 books per week (and I'm talking about books like Goosebumps) which in return he would receive rewards from our local library like little trinkets, certificates of achievement, passes to the local skating ring, and discount coupons for pizza for every 20 books he read. In return he began to love to read and would beg to go to the library each week. As for the rest of the consequences if he lost his screen time privileges for 2 weeks he had to give up his yugioh cards for a week, if privileges were lost for 3 weeks he had to give up all of his toys for 2 weeks and if he lost his privileges for 4 weeks in a row we donated all of his toys to charity. He did this once and we didn't have a problem with it again. I made him box all of his toys up by himself while I watched him do it, he loaded the boxes into the truck, then I drove him to the homeless shelter and made him pass out all of his toys to the children there while all the time reminding him that toys are a luxury that he receives and that if he wanted to get any toys after this he would have to earn them back. As for consequences for not behaving or completing tasks at home it was a matter of deducting money from his allowance. For each chore/task that was not completed he lost .25, for each time I had to fuss him for doing something that he was not supposed to do he lost .50, if the problems persisted for more than 2 days he lost his entire allowance (which is what he used to purchase the items/toys that he wanted). With the combination of all of these things in place his grades ended up improving at school, his behavior began to improve both at home and at school, and even though he only comes to visit now the same rules still apply to him when he is here. As for his behavior with his mother it's like night and day. She refuses to give him his medication because she chooses to believe that he does not have a problem and she tends to let him run wild and free so naturally he is once again getting into trouble at school and home, she took him out of taekwondo because it was an inconvenience to her so he doesn't have that outlet anymore and she is learning slowly how difficult he truly is. As for us we decided to let he and she try their relationship for the first time however as I said when he comes to visit with us the normal rules of my home go into effect for him and he is still expected to follow them.

So for you I say stick to your guns with your daughter and try speaking to your husband about the situation. If that fails try to give him some reading material or take him for a meeting with the pediatrician. He needs to understand that children with adhd do not need to be treated differently than other children however they do need consistency in every aspect of their life in order to be helped.

You're not the only one. I have been called "Mean Mommy" since I can remember. I am very strict because I grew up that way, it just stuck with me. I, like you had to learn to appreciate things and this generation seems to think that anything can just be handed to them. I don't plan to change, I feel that this day in age you have to fight as hard as you can to get your point across. My husband also gives in pretty quick, we've had our share of discussions about the issue and now he has stepped up and not let our kids get away with everything. Sometimes I feel like an army officer and my kids or husband makes comments that make me feel a bit guilty about the way I act, but when it comes to it and we have those relaxing moments it's nice, they really appreciate everything I do around here, sometimes I don't even have to ask and they know what's expected of them and they do it. So, don't feel guilty, they'll understand when they have kids of their own.

Maybe your daughter is having a hard time adjusting to the newborn baby. I noticed you put in your bio mom to 8 year old daughter and newborn princess. It sounds like your playing favorites a bit. Do you think your daughter has picked up on this? Having two children can be stressful but you also have to consider how your daughter's world is changing. She has been an only child for 8 years. That's a long time. Just soething to consider.

Hi K.! I am a mean mommy as well. My son is only 5 and I don't think he has adhd but I know that he is very strong willed. Dad is the nice one in my family as well. We have argued over and over about it but I have learned that we don't do it in front of our son because I noticed that my son was watching and he learned from it. As far as the mean mommy my mother told me to do something and I do it. When I am getting on to my son and he says I am being mean I tell him yes I am but I don't like to be mean. I tell him how much I love him but he does not listen to me any other way. If he would mind and do what I say I would not have to be mean. I hate saying it to him because it makes me sound like a bad person and I all I can think about is him really thinking I am mean when I am not, I am just not his best friend like his dad. The strange thing is that when I tell my son yes I am mean and I don't like to be mean but he has to learn to listen he will look at me all sweet and say I love you mom and hug and kiss all over me and he is perfect the rest of the day. So it must work just by me saying it to him. I am still working on the dad thing. If I tell my son no he instantly runs to dad and get what he wants. He will cling to my husband and just shrug me off like he is a little baby and that really gets under my skin while my husband acts like nothing is happening. People tell me in the long run that my son will respect me more as he gets older because I made him mind and his dad did not. Every once in awhile my husband will step up to the plate and take control and I am grateful. I just continue to pray that God will open my husbands eyes to the issue or open my eyes if I am seeing it differently. I wish you luck and hope that things get better for you. I have seen a lot of great advice on here.

Definitely get on the same page with your husband. Remember, he may not do things the way you do, but trust that he is a good daddy and will do the best he can. If your daughter sees a united front, I think you will be less stressed. She will be happier too. Good luck and God bless.

I thought you were talking about me! Yesterday was a bad mean mommy day!
Anyway, the mornings for us are always tough too. My son is stubborn and very pokey, so I also have to stay on him. I wish I could tell you something that has worked, but I haven't really found anything. We did get a chart system going, and that helped some, but we haven't been consistent with it.

As far as the "stuff" goes, we have some of the same issues. He is our only child and we waited a long time to have him, so we tend to be very generous with him. What has happened is that he has a room full of toys and a body full of attitude. He's not really a spoiled brat, but I can see how he can turn that way quickly if we don't watch it. Luckily, my husband and I both feel the same way, so I don't have that battle, but we do take things away from him when he acts up, so I think you're right on with that. Maybe you can sit down alone with your husband and give him examples of how she is playing y'all. Maybe he just doesn't see what's coming. I would try to do some research and be armed with information to help him understand. After all, he does want what's best for her, but he wants to give her everything he missed too.
Sorry I wasn't much help. Good luck!
J. :)

Hi K.. You need to have a unified front. Until you do, this child IS going to play you. So she had adhd only in the morning? We have had similar problems with our child. The very first and best thing you can do is come to some sort of agreement with your husband as to how this is going to be handled. You may need some therapy to get on the same page. In the meantime, give her choices so she has some sense of autonomy. Just two choices each time. My daughter loves to wear dresses. She knows that if she doesn't get out of bed then I am going to make that choice for her and she will lose that privilege. She get's up right away when I tell her I'm going to pick out her clothes. Additionally, it is possible to do a "couples integration" or a "family integration" in my office. It is a technique that utilizes a number of modalities, including sound and color therapy. It takes about 1/2 hour. I've seen amazing results with this. Nevertheless, sounds like some marriage counseling could be helpful.

The first issue is the lack of support from your husband. If you don't come together as a united front the kids WILL "play" you against one and other. That's no good for the kids OR your relationship with your husband. It leads to resentment on several levels.
I had this problem with my exhusband. I was always the disciplinarian and he got to be the fun guy. When rules were in place I didn't receive the back up from him in enforcing them. My son knew that if I said no, more than likely dad would say yes, or at least that dad would ignore the bad behavior & leave it to me to handle. We make rules to teach our children to behave in ways that will make them accepted and admired by the general society (good manners, right from wrong, etc.)When only one parent is making and enforcing the rules, children are taught that rules don't necessarily apply at all times. This effects not only their behavior at home but also at school, church, restaurants, etc. This is a HUGE disservice to the child and to the members of society that have the unfortunate pleasure of witnessing the child in action (screaming, temper tantrums, blatant disrespect, even violence).
Parents should be a team,united in the common goal of raising our future. Prio to getting remarried, I sat down with my current husband and discussed what our view on raising children were. Each of us brought to the table what our basic view were, what was negotiable and what was not. We came to an agreement and laid out what the rules are & what behavior is expected of my son (and any future children). We then sat down and explained the new lay of the land to my son.I'll admit my son tried to test the waters and see how far he could push the envelope. My husband and I back each other 100% in front of our son. If one of us disagrees with a particular issue - we discuss it in private after the fact. This sends a message to our son that we are a team and what one says the other will enforce. The level of respect has increased and his behavior has improved greatly. My whole point here is that I think you & your husband need to sit down and discuss this issue and come up with a plan of your own.
Now to the issue of being the "grumpy" mom. I think if you fix the first issue part of that perception will change beacuse you won't be alone in the disciplinarian roll. The rest can be fixed by taking a more positive stance in dealing with the ADHD. Instead of handling it like a drill instructor, try using a praise & reward system. Postive reinforcement when she does something right (an "atta girl") will boost her self confidence, self esteem, and will make it more like a goal instead of a chore. Rewards for goals met (brushed teeth all week, made bed, etc.) can be things like "you pick the game for family game night" "1 hour of just me & mommy or daddy time" "you get to pick breakfast/lunch/dinner" and can be written on slips of paper kept in a reward jar. Make it fun. Then you won't be the grumpy mom so much any more.

Hope this helps.

I have a little one that is one, so i really dont have advice on the stressing in the mornings thing....but i can give my advice about the wanting her to be grateful...spoileing your children is okay in my opinion....its how they act on that. A birthday present is a present, it has nothing to do with behavior, stopping and getting ice cream for no reason would be something to do for behavior,...If your child really wanted that for a present, i do not see anything wrong with your husband getting it. If you felt you did not want that for the present, it should have been from him not you! My mother always picked out the presents for us, i think i can only remember about 3 times where i knew my dad actually went out and got something for me. You should be thankful your husband is listening to your child, and wants to do something like this...its their birthday for crying out loud! Moms do so much for a kid that they will not appreciate untul later on, It is imporntant for Dad to jump in there alone, even if you are not apart of that gift. I came from a very well off family,...very well off....and my friends had no clue. Neither did I. You have to meet somewhere in the middle...My mother would take us to the dollar store....for rewards, that was fun. I am now a shop aholic for bargains! haha and if you are going to be one that is the kind to be. There is a difference between being spoiled and being a spoiled brat. If she is under 6 then she wont know she needs to be grateful, when she is old enough to pick out a gift for someone else, and give it to them and sees how happy it made them, that is when she will learn what grateful is, that is not something )in my opinion) a mother teaches a child, you can try but it really doesnt work that way.

This was written in a hurry so it's not my best writing-sorry. Mornings are always stressful. It's wonderful that you do all you can to make it as easy as possible. Is the father able to help out in the mornings also so that it isn't all on you?

How old is your daughter? I think when your daughter says she is scared of you it is because she senses your stress. Kids are very perceptive to stress.

As far as the Heeles, I'm curious what you meant by "I don't think she deserved them"? A birthday present is a gift. You don't earn it. Did you mean she didn't need them or you don't think she should have them because of what she said? Above all, you always want your kids to be able to be honest with you. As long as they are respectful. It is good that you want to teach your daughter to appreciate what she has, but I think you are causing yourself more stress than you should worrying about her not appreciating her things. You and your husband need to try to work out what you can agree on and compromise on some things. Maybe offer an incentive for your daughter getting ready on time. I've learned with four children, that anything you want to teach them, they have to know that you are doing it because you love them and not because you are grumpy or stressed. Your stess will cause her stress. Depending on her age, your husband may be on the right track. Try to relax. Do something fun and relaxing for yourself and this will benefit both you and your daughter.

Nothing personal and I hope my response didn't offend you.

A couple of things- I'm usually grumpy in the morning too :) Do you get up/get ready or at least get up and have some alone time before your daughter gets up? You need that sanity time before she wakes up to have your coffee, exercise, or just shower before you have to take care of her- I promise you that will make a difference in your attitude and how you feel in the morning- it will give you more patience too b/c you feel in control already b/c you've accomplished something. Also, remember that she is still a child- we may "think" it should be easy for her to get ready b/c you've prepared her so well (excellent job, Mom, with the schedule, timer,etc!!)but when you have a learning different child or a child of "differing abilities"- NOTHING will come easy, period.I'm not saying that as an excuse, but as a reality. My 6 year old son has Aspergers (high functioning autism) and ADHD, and most things are a battle, but, as long as I'M calm and quiet voice and encouraging, he usually responds that way or calms down quickly. Does she have an incentive chart to help her WANT to get ready in time for school? I would consider a sticker chart or something to encourage her along to make it "fun" to beat the clock. THen, maybe after 5 days of getting ready in time for school with no fits (meaning,she gets 5 stickers on her chart) THEN her daddy can take her to get her a treat. It's not a "bribe"- she's doing the work of getting ready on time!- it's rewarding her for her effort. Remember, it's not easy for her- imagine how SHE struggles and feels lost and unfocused- keep giving her encouragement and try the incentives chart (be sure to explain it to her several times before you start and with gentle reminders every morning) & see if that helps. You might also write her a social story- a story that has her as the character- about getting ready in the morning including the steps (brush teeth, get dressed, beating the clock etc, but keep it simple wording) and read it together often. Discuss how it makes HER feel when she's rushed or not ready in time and how she CAN feel when she DOES get ready in time. Hang in there- I first hand understand how challenging these ADHD children can be!! You can do it mom!! :) Let me know if you have any other questions.... my son has been in behavioral therapy for several years and I've had tons of training; I can offer you websites and additional resources (or just a sympathetic & understanding ear!) to help you out! :)