My Stepson is 10. Now he was a premie. 1lb 1oz. He is definetley a mirrical child. I'm a mother of 3 grown children. When my husband an I got together I had made a choice to be a mother to him. My last child (2 boys oldest and 1 girl youngest) just left the home. Now my issue is this. My step son doesn't seem to be maturing like my children did. Now I know that being a premi has alot to do to it. An I try very hard to not play into the games that his father is. His mother as well, she is the worst with this, but only gets him every other weekend. My husband will baby him. He snuggles him awake with his chin. He will tickle him like a toddler. My boys at this age were being waken by a good morning and a good nuge on the bed. I would mess around with my kids at that age by wresling with them. I was definetley alot ruffer. I've tried to tell my husband that he is not helping him grow. These issue's are not the only ones we have. He acts like he is 7 yrs. instead of 10. This has been a major conflict between us. He is constantley telling me to get off his back because I wont baby him. I know that Austin will play his parents. When his dad leaves for work (I'm a stay at home mom.) Austin changes the way he behaves. He majors by at least 2yrs. I've told his father about this, an I get no change with him. My question is How do your 10 yr old boys act usually . Maybe if I get this in wrighting he will lisen an believe me.
I went looking for a place that I could get some answers. And WOW did I ever. I'm not that great with my words, how I want to put things out there. This is one of the biggest reasons I don't tex. To much insinuations get interperated (sorry spellings bad.) an most of the time what people tend to guess is way off. I realy got alot from alot of you mom's and dad's and I truely apreciate it. My husband an I talk about the kids alot seeing how we are a blended family. I'm very grateful that we have good comunication an don't judge each other on what we are trying to tell each other about the kids. Dealing with each others kids can cause the bioligical parents to get offended easily. He knows as well as myself with my kids that we both mean well, an want the very best for our kids.I'm going to show him what everyone has said and see what we decide to do. We did a therapy session once when he was 5, an he got custody of Austin. We were very concered that Austin would find this transition difficult so what the therapist did was start Austin off, then after several sessions she had me come in and Austin an I did several. This way we both learned more of each other and he was able to become more comfortable with me as a mother figure even though he was still seeing his mother. Then Dan came in and my daughter who was still in the house hold at the time. This was a very intense, yet comfortalble and fun therapy for all. I just wanted to put that out there because I got the inpression that some people thought that I was not doing good towards Austin an his dad. I think that after I post how things have progressed, I probibly wont do something like this again.
I hope my son will let me snuggle him awake and tickle him when he is 10 - what is wrong with that? What exactly do you mean by he behaves as if he is 7? If you can give specific examples you will likely get more helpful replies.
First thing that jumps out at me from your post is that this boy has a loving close relationship with his father. Which is rare. And fantastic, and SOOOO important to a young boy.
Next is, my middle son is a 26 week, 1lb 11oz preemie. He is a senior in HS and has just decided on a college. Frankly, I am SO impressed that he's ALIVE, anything he's EVER done above BREATHING is a bonus, and is to be celebrated. Everyday of his life is a great gift to me.
Yeah, he's always been a little emotionally immature. But in the teen years that can be a GOOD thing. However I WISH he had that kind of relationship with his Dad.
Cherish him everyday. He is not like your kids were because every kid is different.
:)
For the sake of this boy and your marriage I would no longer try and change this situation. I would back off your position for at least 6 months and see how it goes. You and your hubby have different views, and because he is bio dad, I would defer to him. I say this as a stepmom. Try and focus on the closeness they have and the other pieces will sort themselves out.
This doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Okay, his dad "babies" him, and you push him to be a bit more of a big kid. That actually sounds like a really positive balance -- all children need something to reach up to and something to fall back on. I would just continue to strike the balance you're striking, but not make it into a source of conflict.
I don't think it's a problem when your husband babys his boy a bit. Apparently the boy can be mature depending on the situation. I have a 10 year old and at school and with his friends he comes across as mature and he tries to be cool. When we are home he often comes to me, snuggles, plays with his stuffed animals or pretends that he is a puppy because "puppies are cute". 10 year olds are still children at heart.
Well, as you have noticed, he behaves like his parents expect him to behave. You expect more mature behavior, so he does.
Until you get your husband on board, I don't know that you will be able to change things.
Can you get someone outside the family to talk to your hubby?
It's a tough situation for you to be in.
You raised your kids and they are fine.
This stepson needs something different.
Just step back and let his parents take the lead.
The child will grow up sooner or later.
You can still be kind without babying him and you don't have to give advice about him to his father unless he asks you for it.
No parent likes to hear from anyone 'your parenting is wrong' whether it is or not.
When they see they are having problems, then they'll see about fixing it.
Until they ask you, just let it go.
First, I think it's great that he has such a great relationship with his dad. His parents probably baby him because they know how close he came to death, and everything he went to through to stay alive.
You weren't there for all the late nights in the NICU. You weren't there for the questions of "Is he going to make it through the night?" "When will we get the NG tube out?", etc. You can be rough with him and not see that 1#1º little boy. They still see that, and you need to respect that.
And he plays his parents just like any other 10 year old does. He's not the only one who does. My 10 year old would act like he couldn't do something and when I told him that he wouldn't get his allowance if it wasn't done WHAM! it got done.
How do you get dad to stop babying him? I don't have an answer for that one. Just try to remain patient as he figures it out.
What do you you mean when you say "he majors by at least 2 years"? You mean he regresses? While it may be annoying to you to see a a kids act younger than his years, what is sounds like is a close, loving relationship. Not everyone is so gruff with their kids, giving them a nudge to wake up. Your stepson may have some cognitive or emotional delays, which as you know, are common in preemies. He might be immature but the point of parenting is to bring out the best in whatever the child has been blessed with. What does the school or his doctor say? That may help both of you understand what is the best middle ground in terms of how to treat this boy.
I agree with others. This sounds normal. Not all boys are rough and tumble and it doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with them.
However, if there is a delay at play, I think biological parents often have an internal sense of what their kids need emotionally and physically. I also think they know when something is "off" or "wrong" with a child, even before doctors diagnose.
If your son's behavior is that noticeably off in comparisson to his peers at home and school, I suspect your husband may realize this and is interacting with him as such...because he wants to protect him. Perhaps he's even afraid to have his son evaluated out of fear of possible bad news...or at least news that his son has needs that he can not take care of on his own without outside interventions. If you are saying the things you've shared here to your husband, that could make him all the more resistent to getting him help through school or elsewhere. No one wants their child to feel stigmatized, singled out, or labled. Your husband needs to know you will support him and his son, and that there are so many resources out there now, that his son can have a normal life if they get early intervention...that is if there truly is a developmental delay here.
It may be time to look into real tangible causes for his son's apparent delays. I do not believe having a loving relationship with a child can stunt their social development and behavior. I think if he's acting younger than his years, it's very possible an undiagnosed issue is the cause, not his father's affection. Perhaps social and or learning delays...maybe undiagnosed Asberger's or other issues where children function normally in many areas but have glitches in others such as being able to get along socially.
The only way to know for certain is an evaluation. Your pediatrician can probably recommend a therapist or you can go through school to have this done. On that note, gently encourage your husband to look into this...for his son's sake. He needs to be able to get along socially to the best of his abilities. The only way to know what that is is to get him checked and to find resources for him.
Additionally, do not guilt your husband for showing affection to his son. There is nothing wrong with this, unless it is inappropriate or causing the boy to act inappropriately when he interacts with others. Hugs, snuggling and rough housing are all okay if appropriate boundaries are kept in mind and taught. From what you describe, I don't think your husband is doing anything out of the norm. Your son sounds like an affectionate kid who responds to this type of parental attention. That's okay.
However, with that said, and if it does turn out the boy has social delays, he may not know or understand where to draw the line...then yes, husband needs to explain that to him that some behaviors are not appropriate once you are of a certain age, or when dealing with other kids, or whatever the social situation, so your son will not experience embarrassment or a painful social situation away from home.
Just an FYI, kids with Asberger's tend to have real difficulties in knowing subtleties in what's appropriate touch, topics of discussion, and keeping good personal space when dealing with others. They often need to go through classes to help them navigate socially because they don't have that natural internal know how when it comes to reading body language and facial expression of others. They also have problem understanding people when it comes to giving verbal cues as well. This could make a child seem socially immature.
For now, my suggestion is to get an evaluation through school or a private therapist to see if he's socially delayed or dealing with an undiagnosed disorder and take it from there.
You know and I know that if dad would lovingly "firm up" and not infantalize him, he would be more advanced and well behaved. He had a rough birth, but that was 10 years ago and he's out of danger. So I get your peeve with this truly. But people have different styles and your husband likes to baby him. It's his child, and his choice to do so. My husband is a little too rough with my son (not physically, but verbally "brusque" sometimes) I hate biting my tongue, but he's also very affectionate, and my son really steps up to the plate to impress his dad and has a tough little skin. My husband comes from a long line of macho men, and I see my son sticking up for himself well with other kids, so it seems to be OK. Also, my husband says "I love You" a lot and does cuddle him too, so there is a balance. So I get to be the more "mommy-ish" one. Just use your style with him-you already have the track record of raising yours, so no need to defend yourself-just do it- and try to only intervene when your husband is REALLY causing problems with the baby stuff. Tough situation! My uncle talks to all little boys like they're babies who have just gotten hurt. He'll approach them and stroke their hair all like, "There there it's OK" in a baby voice when they're not even hurt. Ick. But he was abused as a child and now takes nurturing too far. His son was a terror and a big baby and always played his parents right up until he went into numerous rehabs and caused them to lose everything. Our other friend babies his son, and voila, his 6 ear old acts like a baby. Literally. But people have their reasons for their styles, just do your best to support everyone. It's good your husband is there and very loving!
