Message Boards Supportive or Judgemental?

I've wondered the same thing...thank you for putting this out there for us all!

I want to start off by saying that, "Yes, I agree with you." So many times I read the posts and I am astonished and appalled at how some of the women on here reply to one's request. I sometimes read them to my husband and most of the time I get a question like, "Why are you even still on there?"

Well, I will tell you and this is what I tell him everytime. I am here to help. I am here to guide. No, my children are not teenagers, so I have not experienced all of the woes and triumphs of raising children. But, I have, in recent years been through many obstacles with my children, family, husband and in life. Sometimes when someone asks a question and you just do not agree with it, I believe, that, yes, you should bite your tongue or should I say keep your fingers off of the keyboard. There have been many a times that I have had to do this.

With that said, I do know that if you are going to ask for advice you should always be prepared for those that have different opinions ready and willing to assert themselves. I asked a question on here one time and it was in regards to wanting my husband to help around the house. I received over 70 replies! Half of those were negative and rubbing it in that their husbands were perfect! I wanted to delete my question so bad! I think many people assumed that since I said that I wanted him to at least empty the trash without being asked, meant that he never even lifts a finger. This was not and is not an accurate assumption. He does so much for our family and will do anything I ask, I just was tired of having to ask. Did I continue to post after that question? You betcha! Am I more sensitive to how I respond to others posts? You better believe it!

Take what others say with a grain of salt. Take the advice you need and leave the rest in the dust. If I ask my mom for advice(if I do) I do not always like what she has to say. But, I just ignore the negative comments and go on my merry way. This should be the same when you post on here. I love this site and it has been a life saver for me!

Last August I even represented Mamasource on LIVE tv. I believe this site can help women, especially new moms. That is why I am here. To help, to love and to support.

Hi D.,

I commend you for expressing your feelings about this issue. I haven't personally read anything negative; but I know some feedback can be pretty harsh.

I, too, suffer from the "guilt" thing sometimes. I think that comes with being a mom. I just try and tell myself that "I am doing the best I can!" Some people may think I'm not doing the right thing; but I don't care what everyone else thinks. If I want advice, I'll ask!

Having said that, if I ask for advice, I am prepared that I may hear things I'm not ready for or that I don't agree with. If something is resonating with me (good or bad), that is an indication it is of some importance to me. If it's negative, I need to address this at the subconscious level, because there is some reason it's hurting me. So, despite that a comment may seem "mean", I feel it is an opportunity for me to address negative feelings I have internally about myself.

Also, keep in mind that sometimes people's intentions are good; but the come out the wrong way. I know I am so passionate about "natural" health, that I have to be careful about what I say to people. My good intentions aren't always received by everyone the way I intend them. ;-)

I hope you will continue to share in Mamasource. I think it's a wonderful community of well-intentioned women. :)

Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven

Hi D.,

I have personally never seen anyone respond negativly, and if they did, shame on them! No one can know what another person is going through! I feel if they do not have anything "helpful" and NOT hurtful to say they should say nothing at all!

I admire you for being a working mother! Being a mother is hard enough and having a job on top of that must be very hard!

I hope that you find this place a place for help and not hurt! It is so hard for me to believe that people have the guall to critisize someone when they have no clue what they are going through! I hope you find what your looking for!

Just because you work doesn't mean your not a good mother! Don't ever let anyone tell you that! That means you just work harder! Good luck!

B.

Dear D.,

I personally haven't seen any rude comments, but it doesn't surprise me. I think we can all have our opinionated moments when we feel passionately about something. Perhaps those posters don't realize the hurtful comments they leave and the bad taste they put in the mouths of potential posters. But we just need to glean from the comments the advice that we believe is beneficial to us and ignore the negative ninnies. : ) So please post your questions/comments as we all need each other's support!

As for the working mom guilt, I think it is just human nature for ALL moms to feel guilty. I am able to stay home with my young children and most of the time I am thankful for it. But even I feel guilty about not having a clean enough house since I'm home all day. Or I feel bad not spending enough time with the kids when I have to take care of household responsibilities. I don't know a single mom, who really cares about her kids, that doesn't feel guilty no matter if they work or they stay home. I think guilt can be a good thing when it spurs us to re-assess our priorities and make sure we're just doing the best job that we can. That is what is important. Yeah moms!

I think they are providing at least a little bit of support. I know I have sent some messages that have helped not hinder them. I have given advice and ideas. But I know what your talking about. Some peopel can be so mean.

thanks,
L.

I do have to say there are some wonderful moms on this board with such supportive and wonderful advice! However, I am very cautious and have not posted any further questions on this board because of a comment I received on my first and only post. I had posted a question about potty training and got a rude comment back about preschoolers and going to school/day care. I noticed that after responding to that person directly and posting publicly my displeasure with her comment she deleted it. I also found it interesting that some women believed they were doctors and gave me medical advice. My dr laughed at one of the things I was told! It is one thing to give suggestions or opinions in a polite manner and it is another thing when it expressed in a rude and commanding manner! Either way, I find this board a great place and still visit it and enter my comments when I feel they may be helpful. I do read it cautiously though.

I wrote in a question. I thought VERY carefully about the words that I would use to describe my situation. I also thought about messaging many times but was afraid because of the backlash or misunderstanding that could happen by posting. Well, I was quite suprised at the responses I got, to say the least. Some were rude and hurtful and i really was thinking twice about posting ANYTHING ever again. But I also got many respones who were helpful and supportive. Those responses are what changed my mind to keep reaching out for help, support and advice on some of the MANY issues that we face as parents. I read the neagtive comments no matter what they say because I think, well maybe Im not thinking about this problem with the right perspective BUT I also dont take it personally. The advice or critism we get in our responses are only someones point of view and if we dont agree then we can choose not to listen to it.
On your comment about you not being that great of a parent. I can relate I dont feel "good Enough" at times but just remember you are doing the best you can and that is all you can do. I wouldnt be afraid to post your thoughts no matter how much of a minority you may feel you are. I thought the same thing when I was reading the responses I was getting and was pleasently surpised to find Im not the only one who thinks the way I do and you may find the same about you. Give it a try what could it hurt?

I've posted 2 questions in the past and for the most part I would say it's been a great source of support. HOWEVER, after writing that my son was allergic to the proteins in my breast milk and had to be put on formula, boy did I receive some judgemental responses telling me that I should have "stuck it out". For 3 months, I absolutely LOVED breast feeding my little boy, it wasn't about ME or my lack of desire to "stick it out". It was making him sick! I cut out all dairy, gluten, soy and ALL veggies. To no avail, it turns out, he's got SEVERE food allergies and is allergic to EVERYTHING that's gone into his mouth so far. He's under the close supervision of TWO specialists and my original post was about a prescription formula. Anyway, I think this is a pretty supportive forum with the occassional insensitive mom.

I agree, some of these Moms can be pretty harsh, even mean! In a situation where we look to strangers for imput we should be ready for what we get. Even the mean and inappropriate responses can help to weed out your own thoughts. It has helped me get closer to finding the answers I need from getting the ones I dont. On the other hand, some of you are just genius, thank you!! Dont stop reading/posting!

I agree people can be hurtful and helpful. But, in reality, when we ask for advice are we not, really, looking for approbation? The old adage, "those who ask for advice are the least likely to use it" is true. So, if you are going to post a personal question on a public website, you should be prepared that not everyone is going to agree with your way of thinking. Some people are not being mean, they truly believe what they say. So, be careful to not to judge too harshly, just becasue someone doesn't speak/write/act in accordance with you does mean they aren't nice people. If you have ever read Bruno Bettleheim's "Good Enough Parent" you would understand what I say when I mean, we seek out the advice that most suits our line of thinking. That is why there are 100's of how-to books...we go looking for the one that makes sense to us! that's life!

I just signed up a couple of days ago and found it to be very helpful. I think it helps with the response if the question is specific. I find it difficult to answer intentional when the life storey is given. sometimes it helps to have the other person blunt and to the point (painful yes) response. judgemental??? Enlightenment. I try to respond with scripture so the Lord does the conviction rather than me. Note you can always advice the directors if it seems to be getting out of line.

Good for you! I agree and have also felt hesitant to post any questions. I think that if one does not have a helpful and respectful response that it is more effective not to respond. It is not, in my opinion, about sharing your views and personal opinions as much as trying to help and support others with information. Judgment and negativity is not needed nor helpful.

I have been "away" from this board for a while and recently came back today. I was shocked at some of the hurtful comments people were leaving other mothers who were seeking support and guidance! I am not a perfect person or mother and I agree with you that we should not judge each other. What happened to the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all"???

One thing we all need to remember is we all make mistakes, we all have our own way of doing things that may or may not work and we are all here for support from other moms. I don't believe this board was intended to judge other people and make them feel bad about themselves.

So, to answer your question - for me - if I had asked for advice and got negative feedback about how horrible I am or that I need to chill out then yes, it would discourage me from posting in the future!

Thank you D. for asking this and bringing this to everyone's attention!! Kudos to you!!!

I just joined a few days ago and have not really experienced what you all are talking about with this particular group. But from my experience with other on-line support groups, there are several things that could be taking place.
-I think that when people get behind a keyboard sometimes we forget there are other PEOPLE out there behind their computers.
-I think that sometimes I have not been the best at understanding that not everyone is like me (makes the same choices, etc).
-I know for me my attitude also affected how negative other people's comment were. I have found that since I am in a better/healthier place that people aren't as offensive to me. Maybe that is because I notice it less, maybe because I doubt myself less, maybe because I recognize there are some nuts out there that make up this crazy world. Doesn't matter who you are, there are going to be people that you won't agree with and who won't agree with you.

This is the most interesting topic I have seen yet...

I felt badly a few days ago when I responded to a post (young girl with 3 kids already wanting advice on how to get out of her mother's home & in with a new guy after leaving a bad relationship). When I re-read my response to her to take responsibility for her children by being self-sufficient instead of jumping from guy to guy and to get an education (her grammer and situation, to me, was indicative of her education level), I sounded elitist and condescending. Here i was telling someone who may or may not have the ability to get educated and to be self-sufficient to respect that her mother was trying to help her elude a cycle of bad choices when I did not know what those choices were--and I guess there's the argument that some women come from places where there are no "choices." I didn't think I was being "mean" or insensitive; I just am very passionate about women standing on their own and being something else in life besides baby factories and housecleaners--we have a culture of women who get pregnant young with any old joe and who don't maximize their potential in the workforce, by going to college or earning other professional benchmarks. I do consider SAHMs to be equal to working moms, but they must hold their own head high in life as well. Its interesting D. feels "guilty" about working; I hope she realizes any belief that SAHMs rear the best children is the brainwashing technique of religious institutions that view women as a means to an end--procreation of more members. But this is all just my opinion and developed philosophy of life, so its not really appropriate for me to judge others and respond accordingly here, is it?

This forum is filled with women who post and more often than not I see SAHM on their profile. I had been hesitant to post because SAHM and WAM (workaholic mom) have such different experiences and philosophies, not to mention the differences between any mother of any differing race, religious background, income level, culture, etc. Not one of us is better than the other, and as evidenced by the posts, we all struggle with our children's stages of development and our efforts to groom the perfect kids. I am proud that my daugher will learn the value of self-sufficiency, will receive the best education, will admire independence of both genders, will know God loves her but that she has the freedom to know God her own way, and will hopefully appreciate that mommie works as hard as she does out of passion for her craft and because she wants her daughter to have the best imaginable life. I couldn't breastfeed long, my sitter sees my daughter as long, if not longer, than I do on a daily basis, and I am not married to her father legally, but we all function just fine and will end up with just as much of a chance at success in parenting, in partnership and in life as anyone else. It would be easy to suggest the SAHMs and the WAMs seperate forums, but then you could say that for every little parenting difference and there'd be no "chats"--we'd all have our lonely single-member pages. So here's my new page...www.doingthebesticanwiththeresourcesavailabletomewontregr....

The women on here do need to open their minds to the possibilities of differences...myself included. So I apologize for sounding an elitist, but not for encouraging education and independence!