Ever Feel Offended by Some of the Mamas on Here?

:) I had a response to my last question that basically said my toddler playing too rough was probably a product of how I treat my husband. Like what? Like I throw trucks at my husband and that must be where he learned it? Sometimes I wish this was more like the chat forums so you could respond to someone directly, without emailing them. But then I would probably spend even more time I don't have. I saw the postings that you are talking about (or that prompted you to speak up) and wow, yeah, some people...

I feel bad frequently when I read some of the judgmental, rude comments left by some of the moms. Some are just downright nasty in tone. Seems to me that some of those mean girls back in junior high never really grew up. Thanks for posting this. Maybe some of those moms will see it and try to be kinder. We all need and deserve to be treated with kindness and love. Even if we ask a dumb question now and then.

Yep - I recently posted something that I thought was in good humor, something that if we would all just "admit it" would be a good topic - Nobody likes being a mom all of the time!
Good Lawd ladies, get off the soapboxes already, I have 50 responses to the topic and I have been publicly "SHAMED" for admitting this. Must I go to "confession" now to admonish my sin? Just sayin'!

Yes T., I think sometimes some people that respond have way too much time on their hands and I have actually taken a moment to respond to those that hit me below the belt. It's only fair. I know I posted a public question, but don't think just because it's an open forum that you can say something hurtful or offensive and not get a response if it's warranted.

- C

Yes, sometimes moms seem to be purposely critical, even mean. However, the majority of responses are reasonable. I choose to ignore the obviously hostile ones, read the seemingly judgmental ones for reasons that might have a kernal of truth, and assume that everyone has good intentions.

I'm feeling similar to Peg M. when she said that at times she feels strongly enough about a subject that she wonders about the readers' response. At the same time that I do not want to come across as judgmental, I believe strongly enough that I want to be sure that an alternative view is heard. I do not intend to upset anyone.

I would also like to add that I find that I often include information that I believe to be related to the original question but which is not specifically asked for because I do not know the circumstances surrounding the question. I also sometimes do this because I think that the information I give can help someone in a situation similar to the one asked about. I sometimes wonder if I've missed the point and if others are offended because they are not aware of the possible scope for that question. I have received at least one message telling me that they were angry because they thought my comment was meant for them and it wasn't about what they asked. This person thought I was rude.

I've also received a personal message and a message in a public message calling me out on my rudeness. I reread my comment and agreed. I hadn't intended to be rude. I was expressing my own frustration over an issue only slightly related to the question and I apologized.

The point I'm trying to make is the suggestion that we not be so quick to take offense. If the comment seems rude and is not helpful, ignore it. If it seems rude and not helpful and you feel offended consider the possibility that this person did not intend to offend you. If you find that you're expending energy on their response, put that energy to use and send a personal message to let the writer know how you feel. When you send the message, however, don't expect them to understand or accept your comment and most of all don't expect to change their mind. Just let them know that you did not appreciate their comment and then let it drop. Let go of your negative feelings, too. Don't let what someone else has said cause you to feel bad. You have the ability to decide how you feel. Why let someone else contribute to your day in a negative way?

I do believe that the majority of people on this site are caring and compassionate. Even those with negative, judgmental sounding answers are writing because they do care about the rest of us and/or the situation. I suggest that they do not know how to word their answers in a more accepting way. Not all of us have good social skills and some are especially handicapped when using the written word. Even if the comment is made in malice why give the writer the power to cause us pain?

T., I do appreciate your comment to "take it easy." Both writers and readers can benefit from taking it easy.

Thank You so much for this post!! There seem to have been a few times this week alone where I've read a post from a mom looking for info and instead getting responses about how she is making terrible choices and not being a good mom! I am especially seeing this on C-section post (okay so maybe because I pay more attention to these post ;) mom's asking for advice or info and instead getting lecture on how they should never have a c-section and that they are less of a mother for it! Really- we all have to decide for ourselves what we need to do for our families- and are here for support and help from others who have been there/done that- not looking to be told how I screwed my kid u because I did not do things the way other momma swear I must.

All of ask of other moms- is before you respond check in with your self- are you offering heartfelt advise or projection your own morals and /or agenda on to another mom?

But as T. said- for the most part I love the advice I get here- especially when it is delivered with compassion, understanding, in the true spirit of helping another mom! {hugs}

Well, it is hard when you post a question and expect everyone to agree with you. So, any time we post a comment or question we are doing just that...asking people for their opinions about what we said. Not everyone will agree and maybe someone may write something opposite that will help us to see another path to take.

Sometimes I am having a bad day and write a response and then when I proofread it before clicking on post and I am shocked at how it came out and have to delete it and start over.

When someone posts a question I also try to look for other options. Such as another reason as to why the MIL may not want to be around, or why the husband might be doing this or that. I always hope my posts come out nonaggressive but I can't always say I agree with what someone is doing and I don't just not answer the question. I just try to say it in a way they can understand another poiint of view.

And yes, I have had my share of questions turned into something I didn't expect. I have even had hate mail. So, yes, it happens to all of us but I feel that we open ourselves up to it when we ask a question and we just have to select what is appropriate for ourselves.

.

Seems that judging is what some people do. I've gotten to know a number of people in my 60+ years who are harsh and critical and quick to judge, and I've learned that they tend to feel unloved, insecure and fearful. It's so much easier to turn our unhappiness outward so we don't have to look inward.

And I imagine that any of us might sometimes be unconscious about how our words land in another's ear. It can be hard to convey a mood accurately on a keyboard. Don't we owe it to each other to speak up when that happens? I've sent messages to the responders a few times about their over-the-top or under-the-belt negative responses.

We also have the option of reporting inappropriate responses by just clicking a button. I would imagine that when somebody gets enough feedback, she'll either stop offering advice or take her judgments elsewhere.

I want to acknowledge that I sometimes offer my strong opinions on the subject of "having more babies" to women who are considering another child, sometimes simply because enjoy being pregnant and caring for infants. I do my best, however, to be clear that my intense worry is about the future of all our children on an overpopulated planet, and avoid ridiculing or blaming the women who post the queries. I do hope that if anyone feels I have overstepped they will be kind enough to email me and tell me their feelings.

Hi T.,
Good point, but I think most are very sincere and helpful. I was going through a rough time when I thought my sons had a severe disorder this summer and a couple of moms were very supportive and provided great information.
I think when we see something that could be hurtful to someone we can send something positive to counter it.
As for the selling, as long as someone has asked for recommendations, I don't think it's wrong. I would rather support someone from this site than from a store.
Victoria

I ditto what Gina B. said. = )

and

I was the one who said " shame on you to Christine J in her last post".

What she left out to say was that after she sent me a personal message telling me how she felt I sent to her a personal message that read this...

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I am sorry.

I was hard on you and I am sorry, Please forgive me. = (
I learned my lesson.

Thanks for standing up to me, and no, everything is not perfect in my life and I would not say that it is.

When I said Shame on you, it was because it was hard to hear that you was saying HATE, DON'T LIKE, TIRED OF (things like that) about being with your son.

Sorry....

I changed my post on your question.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

and I also changed my post to her because I wanted to make it right to her.

There have been times when I have had to read something someone else said to me that i didn't think was fair but not everyone will agree on everything and try not to take it personal.

We all have our good days and our bad days. Hopefully MORE GOOD DAYS.

♥

Amen sista ! I agree...but some of these women have nothing better to do. So if they can one up you via the internet and it makes them feel better, I just smile and let em have it. We ladies have to stick together !

HI T.,

There will always be people that don't say the right thing at the right time but I feel most of the moms here have always been supportive. I have heard ladies here talk about other sites that are awful and they love being here because of the kindness. I know we don't always agree and I know that there will be people out there that say something in the wrong tone but as we all talk and get to know each other AND the "rules" of etiquette here, I think everyone comes to an understanding. Don't let those few and far between mamas get you down :)

M.

I completely agree with you.

Most moms on this site are kind and try to be helpful, whether they agree with us or not. They just give their own opinions, based on their values, experiences... and they sincerly hope they will help.

But, from time to time, some members don't even try to answer the question. They just judge the person. I remember a few questions last month like "my boyfriend left me and I don't know the rights of my baby" or "Should I let my baby visit his father". The were anxious and seeking support as much as answers. And they got a few answers like "this is what you get when you have sex outside wedlock/too young/...) Judgment with no help, no answer, just a long message to say "you deserve it"

By chance, we always have the supportive members to help us feel better after reading bad comments!

What you have to keep in mind is that this site is supported by thousands of women across the US. Each of us has our own personality and approach to things. How that approach comes across both depends on well they write down their thoughts, and your reception to the response. Sometimes a statement can come across as strict,mean, or cross, but if you were to have been face to face with that person, and heard the statement, if would not have been that way at all.

This sight is ABOUT different approaches and points of view. Sometimes a Mom who is avoiding a situation NEEDs to have a mom type a bit of sense and strength into them. Sometimes a Mom who is strict NEEDs to get a wake up call from the sensitive side.

When I respond, I try to 1. answer the question; 2. offer my insight; 3. offer support. Have some of my responses had an attitude? Yes. That's how I am. To the point. However, there are sometime topics, like one last week, that just hit a nerve. I responded my feelings. Did I take a moment and think about it? Yes, but I still felt strongly about my response and posted it. For that one I received a NASTY message from the poster. After reading the message, I reread my response, and as I was debating whether or not to adjust my response, I received a message from the Mamapedia support team that my response had been flagged as harmful and I better play nice. All within minutes. I was shocked! I didn't even have time to adjust my response!

So, should people be mean. No, they should be supportive, but you as a poster should pick and choose the advice you listen to.

I feel the same way...I have had a couple replies to my posts that made me sad and feel bad. I think some moms are just that way and are probably like that to people they know. The only difference is the people they know know that they are like that so they are used to it and brush it off. Also, people may mean something, but when it is written and not spoken face to face, the person reading it may take it the wrong way.

Yes, some people make it hard to post things on here. We are all in the same boat looking for support in one form or another.

Whew... I don't think it's me you're talking about. :-p But if it is... someone please let me know.

I agree wholly. Some moms have very strong opinions and don't use the edit button. I do have to say though for my questions I have had wonderful helpful responses. I also don't like the folks that post for their own profit (ie trying to sell something.) All moms should report these! Mamapedia will remove the response.
Thanks for bringing up the issue,
S.

I have noticed this more then a few times. Someone asks a sincere question and is ridiculed because of there grammar or spelling. Not to mention the judgmental comments I have seen time and again.

I applaud you for asking or rather saying this question. There have been a few times I have run across this as well. It hurts your feeling's in a way. I try my hardest not to let it get to me. I have learned A LOT from this site and I always seem to come back to it. I am not on the computer all that often. Working a full time job and having a husband and two young girl's keeps me VERY busy and quite exhausted. I am not a huge fan of MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, whatever....:) This is in fact one of the only sites I get on. I like to hear what other moms have to say. I have been given some wonderful advice and also come criticism here and there. Again I try not to let it get me down. You are right though. It does seem to ruin the entire question and you get rather annoyed. I think we would all like to see this as a site to get great advice and meet some really wonderful moms in the process.

We may have all been guilty of this from time to time. Maybe this post could be a friendly reminder to all of us to be....friendly to eachother.

Thanks again for going out on a limb for all of us and posting this.

K.

personally if i dont agree with someones question i just dont answer. but other people feel the need to express what they are feeling and that is the point of a question being asked. though i do not agree with people being rude to other moms especially new ones you cant get a true spectrum of what you want to do with your own child if you cant see what everyone else suggests. when i was a new mom i took the ideas i dont agree with and the ideas i really liked and i mixed them together to come up with my current parenting style. you have to have a good mix to make it work the right way. If you add to much sugar and not any salt things come out to sweet, to much salt not enough sugar and they are salty but an equal blend and it is perfect. mix the good with the bad and get perfect :) it is hard to not take peoples comments personally but i would rather here negative form a total stranger i never have to meet then someone i see everyday. easier to let it go. Bottom line the person thats posts the question needs to remember that these woman DO NOT KNOW what else goes in your life they are only responding tot he direct question you are asking so only you as a parent have the ability to know what work in your life and what doesn't

Yes. Whenever I post a question I wait for a negative response. Even to a question that shouldn't get negativity. Last year I wrote how I was frightened that my friends were over drugging their kids at night and how they thought their kids were great sleeprs when in fact 1/2 the meds had sleep ingredients in them and I commented when we go on vacay with them my son isn't a great sleeper, as a side bar. Everyone responded about helping the children, speak to the parents perhaps call CS and then one mom said it sounded like I was jealous that their kids sleep well and mine doesn't. Huh??? At first I was upset and realized maybe she didn't read the complete post which I find a lot of people don't, therefore respond in appropriatly. But like all the other posts take what you can use from the comments and flush the rest. It is hard to hear negative comments when you are asking for help. Thanks for posting the question.

Not only have I felt offended by some of the moms who are judgemental and just plain mean when they answer questions, but I'm also offended by some moms who post questions that, to me, are just plain mean and selfish. For example, I read yesterday about a mom who married her husband mostly out of convenience, I think, because she was about to dump him for another guy. But then he proposed and said yes, and now she's saying that she was never really attracted to him and keeps daydreaming about the other guy. That kind of offended me, because that's so unfair and selfish to the husband that she has. So, yeah. Some of the moms on here definitely offend me and make me angry sometimes.