Negativity on This Site

I see some people feel they have been bashed when the answer isn't what they would like to hear. There are times I don't bother to answer questions because the way the question is phrased is arrogant. They don't really want an answer they just want to be able to say people agree with them. If you ask a question, you need to be prepared for the answer not alway being what you want. I would rather someone be truthful so I may learn.

well, I think we all look for suggestions/advice here... and honesty.
So, that entails all sorts of feedback.
What may by seen as 'negative' or not, by some.

Honesty and advice, can be seen as 'negative'... but we are here to see all viewpoints and world views.
And well all of us have good days or bad days... and alter egos... so there is a variety of 'styles' of feedback.
Also some people are eloquent writers. Some are not.
Its okay.

all the best,
Susan

To throw in my 2 cents - there are some topics where there are people all too happy to voice their opinion and no one dare disagree.

But for the most part I see women supporting women, really trying to give advice to help, not harm. Perhaps the folks who are seeing so much negativity are looking for it? Most words can be construed in more than one way, and if you are looking for negative you will find, or if you are looking for postive constructive you can will see that.

May all the Moms who read this have a blessed day!

I agree with the PPs who say that if you are going to ask a question to hundreds of strangers--a diverse cross section of society--then you had better be ready for a variety of responses. We can disagree and be vocal about it, but it's not personally bashing the other person...but maybe, just maybe, it will make them stop. And think. And consider the situation from an angle they had not seen previously.
What I despise is the questions that ask for "no negative responses please!" Really? Seriously? Well then, why not just talk to yourself in a mirror if you only want confirmation of what you've already done/said or decided.

My answer is opposite to Kimberly A. I get angry when a woman who is hurting asks for advice about what to do when her husband cheated or treats her like a dog and people respond with suggestions on how she can be a better wife OR tell them to read a book on how to keep her man, essentially implying that it was her fault that he strayed.
I just wish people could have more compassion on the people asking questions. We have no idea what they are suffering and how much we are adding to their burden.

These comments surface from time to time in any public forum. I've seen them for years in mampedia and mamasource.

People reveal a great deal about themselves by how they reply to any request. As adults, it's easy to forget that all of life is a learning process. In some ways, we're all still little kids inside; we all have our petulant moments and throw our little tantrums. When we throw our hissy-fits in a public forum, I think most of us will eventually regret that behavior. But for the least mature, that is likely to take years.

So be it. We're not responsible for how others choose to respond to a request, we're only responsible for how we react to what we read. Does a harsh judgement from others draw a harsh judgement from us? If so, how are we taking any better care of our thought processes and reactions than they did?

I agree that it's unrealistic to post a request and expect only positive and supportive responses. I figure that when a poster specifically requests that "only" moms who practice XYZ respond, they are trying to limit my freedom of expression. If I strongly believe in the value of some other practice, I have the right to say so – though I will take pains to be reasonable and respectful in my response. Not all moms will go to such pains, and I have been "shamed" by posters who don't like my careful responses. But that's their business, not mine. Posters are always free to ignore any advice they don't like, for whatever reason.

It is entirely reasonable, when we read a harshly negative response, to contact that mom and tell her (gently, I would hope) what she said that struck us as unnecessarily cruel. And if a response is simply beyond the pale, it's entirely reasonable to "Report this" by clicking the button underneath. But I hope that the mamapedia community will be mature enought to simply accept that some people will be unkind, and we can't necessarily know why. We can simply choose not to react, and go on being as positive as each of us is able.

What is considered negative by one mom may be considered honest advise by another... I ask TONS of questions on the site, and I feel that most of my responses are positive... Some could be considered negative if you nitpick it, but that is just how that specific mother feels about the issue at hand. It's not necessarily negativity, just honesty. However, there are the ones that are downright rude, purposely to put down people... which sucks... I just try not to pay a lot of attention to those.

We Moms are a VERY passionate lot, and thank God for it! Not a single Mom in the world I can't learn something from.....Let the Moms RANT!!

Personally, I have asked a few questions here over time and have always been met with pleasant responses. The fact of the matter is that you are asking people for their opinion, if you don't want opinions, then don't ask the question. I agree with many who have said that "negativity" is perceived by it's reader, but let's be honest, some times the truth hurts and it needs to be said. Other times overly opinionated posters need to remember that a lot of inexperienced parents come here for support not criticism. As the old saying goes "The only stupid question is the one that is not asked". This site has been a help to me many times over and I am thankful for the all responses.

I think some people post a request and then expect to hear what they want to hear. If you're posing a question you are asking for someone to render a judgment or offer their opinion. Unfortunately sometimes the right advice might sting a little bit, especially if someone has been so adamant that their position is the only one. Also, remember that when someone posts a request we only get the 'snapshot' of what's going on and our response is based upon what's been provided. If details are missing, then don't get angry that we don't know them - how could we?!?

Of course there are some people who choose to hit below the belt. I remember way back when my first child was colicky and I posted a question asking for help. One idiotic mom's reply was just to be happy that I could have a baby. Um okay. That really helped. Sometimes people can be abusive and that's what the 'report this' is for.

Admittedly my interest in this site has waned quite a bit since Mamasource was folded into the Mamapedia site. I feel the Mamasource site was far superior to this one because your 'community' was based on your geographical area. It was more intimate and it felt more comfortable.

I agree with the answers that basically say "negativity is in the eye of the beholder." What may be constructive criticism is taken poorly by some. Or, sometimes the person doesn't get the answer they want and views that as negative. Downright mean and judgmental is different, though!

I do have a problem with people that ask a question and put "Only positive replies, please!" If you're just looking for support or affirmation in a decision, say that; don't pose it as a question. And open yourself up to the possibilities of a new direction anyway. An opposing viewpoint or even a negative reaction to a question/decision is still valid feedback and might make the poster see new options or something she hasn't considered before.

That is an interesting question/observation. If someone is asking advice, is giving advice that is hard to hear "negative?" Or, do we only want to hear what we already believe, but are just looking for confirmation? Now, I don't think it is right to call anyone names (I haven't seen this, but I don't read a whole lot of questions/answers). But, counseling a person with wisdom doesn't always mean telling them that they are doing everything right when their life is a mess because of bad choices they either have made or are making. But, maybe that isn't what you mean. :)
I just thought of something else. The written word is so hard to read without assuming intent of the writer. Sometimes people might assume someone is being nasty or hurtful when in reality, they were writing with a sincere and genuine desire to help and bless them. But, if you read it with a snarl, you might think otherwise. I try to read the answers giving the writer the best of intentions in their response, even if I disagree with their conclusion.

just take your answers for what they are worth. you don't know any of these people, don't take anything personally: they don't KNOW you personally. Each question I've asked results w/some assumptions, just take out what's useful and ignor the rest : )

I see some judgmental comments and would like to see less but I believe overall those comments are in the minority. Since I first noticed comments about negativity I looked more closely and at times I could see why someone thought they were negative or judgmental but I had already read them as being more neutral. We can always read negativity into statements that weren't meant to be negative.

I do sometimes see statements that are obviously bashing the person or the question of the one who wrote the question. I absolutely would prefer that those posts were never made. However, there will always be small minority who will bash other people. And there will always be those of us who unintentionally come across as negative from time to time. And there will always be times for most of us when a topic pushes a button and we'll respond with a less than caring tone.

I suggest that we accept everyone of ourselves as doing the best that we can do at the moment. If we notice one person repeatedly being judgmental and posting criticism instead of helpful feedback perhaps then we could send a personal message to that person, stating our concern in a caring way. It's been my observation during many years of working with people that people who make the most negative comments are people who need more love. That doesn't mean that we can love them. For me it means I can do my best to ignore them.

Lots of people, lots of opinions. Some are bound to be negative. Overall, I think people tend to be pretty supportive of each other. I believe the perception of negativity is directly related to one's opinion and level of sensitivity to a subject.

Peace and love, right?

I answer questions that I can be positive or straight forward about. If I see something I don't like, I move on the the next question because I don't want to disrespect someone because I have a different opinion. That's not what this site is for! If someone is struggling with their children, spouse, infant, job, Etc, they're looking for advise or help. They don't want someone to come at them with "I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE NOT GIVING YOUR BABY BREASTMILK!!!!!!!!" - Give me a break. Leave those opinions to yourself. I learned a huge lesson here once by posting a controversial question, that was eventually deleted because of the content of the responses. I was ripped from one side to another. I know now to only ask basic questions or seek help with every day issues.

What I do believe is that this site has helped NUMEROUS women including myself. Everything from what the birth experience will be like, to MIL issues, to what car to buy next, to whats for dinner, I think this is an awesome place for mothers young and old.

I've been on the receiving end of this only once and it REALLY stung. I had asked a question about my nephew's eating habits and some of the outrageous food his mom packed for him. One particular responder said I seem to hate my nephew and his mom and if I hate him so much, stop having him over. I also tend to use the word "seriously" alot and she totally cracked on me and made fun of me for apparently over using that word. I didn't block her or report her comment (though I did respond specifically TO HER in my "so what happened"). Thankfully, she must have gotten bored with me, since I've never seen a response from her since.

That being said, I LOVE reading the responses people have had to my questions. Most often, I tend to pay even more attention to the ones who DON'T agree with me because maybe they're seeing something that I've missed. But honestly, there is a way to disagree with someone and then there is being completely rude and dismissive to the issue they are asking about or the things they are feeling. And I've seen both here (both in my own questions and in others questions).

As well, I think when people are asking "no negative responses please" they are just simply asking the other moms to give POSITIVE advice, even if they don't agree with the original post. I don't think that they are asking everyone specifically to agree with them, but to disagree with a degree of kindness.

Ive had a few comments that were not-so-great and considerably tacky in response to some of my questions. Its ok though, i do not wish their opinions erased, banned, or scrutinized harshly. I live in a world where its ok to speak freely, no matter how unpopular your opinion might be.

Most of the feedback on this site is 100% awesome, but i think even the somewheat tactless things said should be left where they are.

I think there is as much positivity as there is negativity, and that is because there are a lot of different people agreeing or disagreeing, at the same times, and some are more passionate or, energic about it. But I always take the good and the not so good, use what will help me and forget about views I disagree, however even though I might disagree doesnt mean I didnt find their view helpful. In summary, I think it is more about how we use what we get, rather on focusing on others disagreeing or passing judgement on us.

I kinda agree with Joanne sometimes it can be the way someone reads the advise. However over a year ago I had someone be like a real bully when ever I answer a post it was like she followed me all the time, I had to flag her for flaming me. I really haven't had any problems with seeing negative posting however if someone post something I feel is negative I over look it, they could just be having a bad day and they are if not entitled to their opinion negative or not.

I however on a personal note always try to be supportive or tell my personal experience on a subject matter. it's way easier to be supportive and kind to a person then to be mean.

If my friends and few family members i have could give advise and opinions life experiences to me then I wouldn't have to count on all of you to open your hearts and advise me.

I usually walk away with positive vibes from this site and am very thankful for all of you. I've made a few friends in the process and have even been given some of the best advise and support anyone could ask for. Sorry some folks may have encountered less of a great experience.

I've noticed it at times. You can answer someones question and it may not be want they want to hear, but you don't have to be nasty. And sometimes the mean answers contradict what the poster even said in the first place. Almost like they hit a raw nerve with the person responding. We may not agree with everyone on here, but have some tact.

I agree that there is a lot of negativity on this site which ironically is intended for support. What bugs me the most is moms who don't read the entire post and then respond to a "question" that wasn't even asked, or want to throw out their opinion on something that wasn't up for debate. I think the anonymity of this site causes some moms to think they have free reign to be as nasty as they want to be and not be held accountable, but they forget (or don't care) that their words will be felt by someone. If someone asks for an opinion, give them your opinion. But if they're asking a question that you don't agree with, move on.

I can respect someone having a different opinion than me. What I can't respect is being put down for having a different opinion. Yes I have seen that many times on here. People are looking for advice, they are not looking to feel worse than they did before they asked a question. It's sort of like being able to talk about politics (the actual issues) or religion without your veins sticking out of your neck. Or having someone not like you just because you have a different set of views where politics or religion are concerned. We are all passionate about different things because of the way we were raised or our experiences in life. It is ok if we think differently than someone else. I think what it boils down to is that people are more daring when they are writing instead of talking. It is easier to insult someone that you aren't looking at...

I dont think so. I am thankful for this site and everyones in sight.

I have seen quite a few negative responses to questions, and I really hate it!! Most of the negative comments are not even called for at all, aren't considered "an opinion", but outright rudeness. I am pretty sure that when someone posts a question they are not looking for critisism. Whatever happened to, If you cant say something nice, dont say anything at all?

I have seen both sides. My take on it is--- if you are asking a sensitive issue, be prepared for a negative response. It shouldn't be that way because we as moms should support one another, but some people are insensitive and have their own agenda's. I try to keep to my experience instead of commenting on what is right or wrong. But if someone asks a question, they should be prepared to hear all sides-not just the sides they want to hear. Hope this helps.

Love and light to all!~

Molly

I've had some negative responses and definatly see them. It really depends on the neutrality of the subject matter. Some subjects bring out the judgmental in people. I've noticed it mostly from those who lean towards attachment parenting. I've learned there are certain things I have to research and stand by my choice without asking for accolades from mom's on this site. Its interesting to see the different reactions- positive and encouraging yet others, negative and condemning.

When you ask questions that are thrown open to hundreds and thousands of people to read and answer...there is going to be some negativity from time to time. Most of the things I read , as far as responses, have not been negative...they don't necessarily agree with what the writer has said, or with what everyone else has answered...but not everyone is going to think the same way about things. If they did then there would really be no reason for this site to exist!!!

Yep - some of the responses (and occassionally questions as well) do come across as a little harsh or judgmental. Although I am quite opinionated myself, I don't find it entirely appropriate to be insulting strangers - especially if they are just genuinely seeking advice. It takes some of the joy out of reading the questions and answers.

I feel that since MamaSource combined with Mampedia civility has decreased along with an increase in types and poor writing. It seems as if the most innocent question is going to result in someone being crabby at you. I am very careful about how I phrase a question. Thanks for bringing this up.

My sister won't come here anymore, and I am rarely here --not because of the negativity (and frequently violent parenting advice) being given in answers, but because it's tedious to be getting private messages about 'what an idiot' we are, or how 'unhelpful' or 'unsupportive' our personal experience-based suggestions are.

There are a couple of names that I cringe every time I see in my inbox, because I know the only reason they're writing is to be RIGHT again... boring!

Hello B., I know that when I ask for information, advice or need another's view; I have to expect that not all the answers are going to be what I wanted to hear nor are they going to agree with me. But it does give me a chance to get from a stranger often with experiance-- a chance to rethink my decision,thought, or feelings.
So if people are concerned about negative things being said ~~ I will have to assume that they didn't want to really have someone answer them with a point of view that was against what they wanted to hear but be told or reinforced what they did want to hear.
This is a wonderful question and reflection.

I have been on here for years. I love this site! I have to admit that lately the questions and posts are a little more preachy/attackish. Don't get me wrong, there are many nice/helpful ones that still make this site worth it. We are all mothers trying to do our best for our familes...no reason to judge. It hurts when your opinion is attacked.

I joined this sight to get help with my issues. I think a few people on the sight are just very negative people and since they are not face to face with the person they are just down right rude. I wrote about one issue that I was having and several of the answers picked my life apart. NOT NEEDED! As I get older, I see actually how many negative, unhappy people there really are. I just look at the fact that if they spent as much time trying to make their life better as they take in the effort trying to destroy mine then the world would be a much happier place. I smile and be positive and encourage people to be the best they can be. A lot of people don't like that and that is really their problem and not mine. I sleep good at night because I am not trying to destroy other people or make them sad. I have found some very good advise on here and even friends that I email. Negative people are unhappy people!

You are always going to have negative and positive responses to anything you do in your life. You just have to learn how to handle it appropriately.. Everyone has opinions that differ.. and some are strong minded while others aren't. THAT is where that conflict comes in. A lot of the time us mamas get defensive, when we are simply dealing with someone who just has a strong opinion on something. Most of the moms on here aren't TRYING to be rude. Im not a fan of the negative comments either.. but it's just a part of life.. especially when you put yourself out there on an internet site such as this. Lets just learn to accept one another for our different opinions... No one said that we have to take all the advice we get.. I like all the different comments, because it makes you think about maybe trying something new!

I agree with Christina it just depends on how you view it. I also think that it is very hard to tell the "tone" of written words. If you're speaking to someone you kind of know when they are being rude, sincere, etc. but when its typed its much harder. The big thing that I personally dislike, is when someone doesn't like what another responder (or even the poster) said and then it becomes a word war. But hey to each their own.

Most of the time I find this site to be a very helpful resource. Once in a while, I encounter a know-it-all type or someone who has no filter and the comments can be rude or overly blunt but I try to take it in stride. The way I think of it is that we're all on here seeking advice for something so we should try to play nicely and use this site for its intended purpose not to make other people feel badly for their parenting choices or concerns. Overall, I'm pretty happy to be a part of Mamapedia. :)

I have gottan a few negative comments and wasn't too happy about it as well. But I guess in any event you have to chew the meat and spit out the bones..

When ever someone posts a question they are asking for peoples advice, not all of it will be positive. I can't see a question about something I know anything about, one way or the other, and not post a response that might make a difference.

If I see someone asking about trampolines, i am going to post websites and facts that say they are the most dangerous items a family can own and that they are putting their children's lives at risk.

If I see a post about Child Care I am going to post a response, usually explaining the Child care side of it because I have over 10 years experience in that area and know most state regulations, or where to find a copy of them online.

I don't try to be oppositional just informative. That's what this site is about, getting several points of view to help us make better informed decisions.

I think sometimes they can be taken as negative. But if I'm putting a question out there to thousands of women/mothers, I need to be willing to deal with the responses I get, good or bad.

Out of many positive, helpful responses there is usually one negative comment that can really be hurtful... so no, there isn't a lot of negativity,
but the people that are negative can be downright rude and disrespectful. Those tend to stand out more...

Also some people make assumptions then judge you based on the assumptions... those make me say "huh, where did it say that?"

Sorry to say this but parenting is both positive and negative. Anyone who says differently is viewing the world through rose colored glasses and is going to hit a rude awakening one of these days unfortunately. That said, I have not found the posts on this site any more negative than any other blog site. Some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full ... I just see a glass of liquid that I can drink that I didn't have to walk my happy hiney to the sink and fill up myself, so I am grateful.

I would guess it would depend on the situation and how a person looks at a situation or having been through the situation. I have myself become angry when answers suggest divorce to a situation. I believe that most marriages can be saved no matter what the circumstance. Also, sometimes the person asking the questions states that they have a happy marriage with the exception of this one issue. I don't see a cause for divorce in any of the issues. Counseling or just really talking out with each other would solve the issue.

Most of the time, I find this site and the advice and support to be very positive. Every now and then I find people to be rude and down right mean but it usually can be because of the question that is posted.

What I think we have here is REALITY and sometimes people don't like that. NOW I DO think that sometimes it's used for people "having a moment" and things like complaining every second about little things that husbands do is really not appropriate - yes men can be irritating but on the flip side I guarantee there are things WE do to annoy them too. The balance of the site is here to help other moms and for the most part I think it's doing it's job. So - DON'T read the negative and skip to what you think is positive

The topic is still on so I will respond. I think that if a mother posts too much info about herself it feeds the bully moms.