Wow I feel like a horrible mom. I am lucky to have on-site daycare at my work. When my son was a baby i would go every day at lunch to visit with him and feed him. It worked great for about the first year, then I had to stop due to separation anxiety. But it's been so hard on me to give up the visits and go all day without seeing him. He is now two years old. Finally yesterday I broke down and decided to give it a try. I stopped by at 2. We had a great time playing and when i said goodbye, I'll pick you up later, he gave me a quick hug and went back to playing. I thought, Great! If saying goodbye will be that easy, maybe i can go back to visiting him on a regular basis!
But then when I picked him up to go home, I was chatting with the director and she told me he had been "distraught" when I left! I guess he started crying some time after I had left the room. My heart sank. The last thing I want to do is upset my child. Obviously I won't be doing any more mid-day visits..............and now I feel so guilty. Has anyone else ever been through this or something similar??
I suggest that you do mid day visits everyday so that he'll get used to it.
Later: Why feel guilty? You did a good thing that both of you enjoyed. He missed you after you left. Do you feel guilty when you say no and he cries. Crying is a way to relieve the tension caused by feelings. He missed you, he cried. He'll get used to you dropping in and realize you'll be back and then he will look forward to the next visit instead of missing you.
I went through this exact same thing -- workplace day care, midday visits, and let me guess, are you a first time mom too? I learned to get over my feelings -- your son will live on to give you plenty more to feel bad about. What really helped me to get over them is that, now that he is 4 years old, he has absolutely no recollection whatsoever of any of these incidents -- I mean, he doesn't even remember going to that day care, which is a little surprising considering he was there until over 2 1/2 years old.
I think us moms are hardwired to feel guilt over everything (and it doesn't help that the director used that word, "distraught." Geez, couldn't have they said it in a different way? Way to induce guilt, sheesh!!). I wonder, do you stop by midday because you have trouble trusting the providers? Or it is more like, well you are at work, you are right here, and after all if it wasn't for you working he would be right with you, all the time. In other words, do you feel guilt over the idea that he has to be in day care at all, rather than being with you all day? I ask because this was the real source of my guilt - the guilt over being a working mom and not being able to be with my son all day.
A good pearl of wisdom that I read regarding this was, instead of feeling guilt over not being there, feel happy that you have, in this day care, an extended family, so to speak, of providers who help you when you are not present. That is a gift unto itself.
He gave you a quick hug, went back to playing and then later was distraught. for how long? Does this daycare have a one way window so you can watch for yourself? I hope some day care workers respond to this as they can give you better advice
Don't beat yourself up, but I also wouldn't do the pop ins anymore. As a daycare provider I can tell you that kids just don't quite get it when you pop in for a quick visit. In their world, if you're coming in mid-day then you must be there to stay and play or take them with you when they go. It's out of their routine and confusing.
On the positive side though... *most* of the time kids can be comforted and redirected in a short amount of time. It's just disruptive. Live and learn... it won't scar him for life.
Aw, don't feel like a horrible mom. Now you know. Kids are going to cry about anything. This is just one of them. They cry when you say no. Do you feel bad about that?
I'm not trying to make light of your son's feelings. I am trying to let you know that rushing to judge yourself after visiting is counterproductive. You know that he isn't ready for your visits during his day now. It messes up his schemata. It's okay. Lesson learned.
Dawn
Separation anxiety at this age is definitely developmentally normal. Don't worry too much about it. Keep doing what your doing...eventually, he'll learn that mom DOES come back. She hasn't just disappeared forever.
ETA: YoMama is exactly right...he won't remember any of it. :o)
Please don't beat yourself up over this. We all have to learn what to do and how to do. What works for some kids won't work for others. It is great he is so well adjusted in a routine with others that care about him.
All too soon he will be a teenager and then no more kisses and hugs. ;-(
That is how it is. So don't beat yourself up. He may not even remember that you came by come next week.
I have to do this in church. My children are allergic to disposable diapers and the workers WILL NOT change a cloth diaper. With all the volunteer work I do, that means 3 hours in the nursey, so I have to go and change diapers half way through. My youngest freaked out the 1st time and after that was fine. Maybe ask about taking him out to lunch once a week if you have a cafeteria on site. Perhaps knowing that you will be leaving with you and then coming back will help?
Well, my feeling is that he responded like that only because it was the first time you had ever done that. So of course he was confused and wondered why you didn't take him with you. I think if you began doing it consistantly though, he would get used to it and understand that it was just a quick play and then you'd come back later. If it really means that much to you, I would try it and just explain to the caregivers what you are doing. I worked in daycare for years and I understand what others have said - yes it's a disruption - but only when it's random pop-ins (in my opinion). The moms that came every day for a visit - the kids got used to that routine and it worked. Did it make my job a bit harder at first? - sure, but it's YOUR kid. I always felt like part of my job as a caregiver was to help parents with how they wanted to do things - like I said, it's your kid. If they are quality caregivers they should be willing to give it a try if it means that much to you. And btw, can I just say that I think it's GREAT you WANT to see him more. Sadly, when I worked in daycare, too many parents were way too eager to leave their kids with me and would wait til the very last possible minute to pick up... and even brought them in on their days off! I say spend every possible moment you can with him and take advantage of the fact you are on site! :)
I was a nursery supervisor at church for sometime and have done a lot of that sort of work. The worst thing to deal with is when you get a child happy and playing or entertained and a mother pop by to 'check' on the child. It works if you check where the child can't see you but you can see him and know he's fine and happy. But they think it's time to go or remember how they miss you and then it all starts up again. I think it's great to check on him during the day like you did but just do it without him seeing you. Give him all the hugs and kisses you miss at home in the evening and try to make up for the ones you had to miss mid-day.
Most parents have no idea how upsetting visits like this are. It starts the whole separation thing over again.
They expect to be picked up when you show up and when you don't they have a melt down.
If you are having separation anxiety yourself try going online and watching him play for a while if they have a video link or watch him through a window or something. Don't put him through that just because you miss him.
Never had the luxury of an on-site daycare.
