Mil

I am in a VERY similar situation. Can't wait to get some help w/ this. We need a blog for MIL issues only.

Dear M. S,

Oh my gosh, I am SO SORRY for you, you poor sweetie. I have the EXACT same kind of MIL - it's always all about her! A DRAMA QUEEN. Here is what needs to happen:

1) Since she is your husband's mother, this is his responsibility to talk to her (if he doesn't do this, then you need to question his love for you, I am sorry to say). When he talks to his mother (oh, and this must be in person, just the 2 of them, with no distractions), he MUST tell her to give you an appropriate apology, and NOT say "He made me apologize" to you. She must give you an appropriate apology (even if she has to take acting classes). If she refuses to do this, then she needs to be CUT OFF from your family (including her grandson). As your husband's wife and mother of her grandson, she MUST treat you with respect!!!!!!!! This is non-negotiable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Excellent move to not let her care for your son. She needs to stop caring for him forever (or unless she apologizes and is nice to you from now on). By her caring for your son, it gives her leverage. She stupidly feels that she is entitled to rip you to shreds b/c she is providing a very much needed service for you. Even if this hurts your bank account, it is absolutely necessary to find alternate childcare for your son!!!!!!!!!

3) Another suggestion - MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If your jobs allow you to move, then MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you can find work easily far away from your nightmare MIL, then MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say move at least an hour away from her, so you won't be considered "local." Personally, if possible, I would move several hours away, but that's just me. I am very passionate about this, since I too have MIL problems (and thank God she lives in New Jersey!!!) Seriously consider moving if all else fails. She CANNOT treat you like pond scum!!!!! And shame on your husband for asking you to be nice to this witch when she treats you so poorly. If she has to learn a lesson the hard way, so be it. I am so sick and tired of MIL's thinking that they are entitled to treat their DIL's like horse manure. So freaking sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You must take action and you must DEMAND respect. No, your husband must demand respect for you. Please have your husband read this, okay????? He is not taking this situation seriously. Will you please send me a message letting me know what happens? I am thinking of you. Best of luck, sweetie. Michelle

Hello! I am so sorry to hear your situation. Fortunately, I have not had to deal with that at all. My MIL is wonderful. However, I experienced this as a child between my mom and my dad's mother. My dad is an only child. So that made it even more difficult. I would go visit my grandmother and listen to her say horrible things about my mom. My mother was so hurt by all the fabricated stories. When we had Christmases or birthdays, my mother would not be around us much since she could not stand to be around my grandmother. She would start hyperventilating because she was so scared about what "story" she was going to leave with to tell everyone else. My father did nothing! He would hear complaints from both sides and let it go out one ear and the other. My mother would save money all year and buy my grandmother beautiful presents for her birthdays and christmases. Of course, the gifts were from the grandkids. I finally started telling my grandmother that mom did it all. She would be surprised. It finally got to the point where it really affected my sister and I. We got to the point that we dreaded seeing my grandmother. It got so bad that we would have Christmas with my mom there then another Christmas with my grandmother sans my mother. We got to where we dreaded these gatherings. So I stood up to my Dad and my grandmotherat the age of 15 years old. I told my dad that he needed to get a backbone and support his wife and family. I told my grandmother to get a life and that if she did not stop bad-mouthing my mother, I was never going to see her again. That worked! My Dad finally had a long talk with his mother and things were much improved afterwards. He told her that none of those stories were true and that she must have dreamed it all. He told her how much he loved my mom & how much she had done for our family, etc. Now 20 years later, my mother and grandmother sit there and talk for hours. It is a miraculous change. Your husband needs to realize how damaging this is for your child and you. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother. I wish my Dad did so much sooner because I grew up thinking my Dad was a passive, people pleaser and had no backbone. It cast a poor light on him. I love my dad so much but wish he had done it sooner. My suggestion to you is to NEVER talk poorly about your MIL, I know that is difficult but it really made my Mom shine and made my grandmother look bad. Mom came out the winner at the end. Please email me if you want to talk more. Good luck! Pray hard about it. Take care of yourself and your son.

First off I would say that it sounds like the reason your husband is asking you to be the bigger person is because he doesn't see much hope in his mother changing. I am encouraged that he has stood up for you on occasion, and I think you will see more of it if the two of you decide together how you plan to deal with the situation. If he simply says "Mom, I am perfectly happy with how "S" keeps house and cares for me and our son. You are welcome in our home, but not if you are going to criticize how we do things here." Once he has established that she is welcome, but not her criticisms, then maybe she will keep her opinions to herself.

Once you have found another childcare option, you need to be sure that you make time to have her over to see her grandson...or meet at a restaurant or park. Include her in the decision: "We were thinking of taking (son's name) for an outing this weekend, would you like to join us, do you have any ideas? We're trying to decide between the park or the zoo." Maybe her greatest fear is that her son will not have a place in his life for her if he thinks your "all that"....maybe she feels threatened by the role you play in her son's life more than she dislikes you.

Sadly, I think this will always be an issue for you and your MIL. It also sounds like it comes from her insecurity.
Pray about how you and your husband should stand united in this situation and don't do/say anything you will regret. In that, you will be the "bigger person".

Wow, what a challenge you have ahead of you to deal with this person. She sounds pretty awful, controlling and like she wasn't ready to give her son up to anyone. I'm sure if your husband had married anyone else they would not have been good enough for him either (in her eyes). Do you see though that the problem is with her and not you? Now, how to deal with it. I recommend you take the high road. You can be kind to someone knowing that they have a problem and may always have this problem. Try to see her not as a threat or as someone who has harmed you but as a sad woman who doesn't know how to let go of her son and doesn't know how to get the love she needs in a positive way. When you have compassion for someone, even if they have been mean to you it gives you strength. It is truly an empowering thing to be strong in this way. What she has said and done to you really has nothing to do with you and it can only hurt you if you let it. Be kind for your son's sake and for your husband's sake. It will be hard but you might just break her of her seeing you as threat. If you take the low road by being mean and vindictive (which many people will advise you to do) you will be creating more pain and trouble for yourself and your family. Nothing good can come from meeting negative emotions with more negative emotions. I do think that she may be too heavily involved from day to day in your life. Finding someone else to watch your son and getting her out of your house every day is a good idea. I'm not saying let her run all over you. You will have to be strong, tell her no when it's appropriate and you might even have to tell her to back off and that she's wrong from time to time. Just don't hang on to the negative feelings she brings out in you. Let it go, really let them go and don't think of the past or what she might do in the future. Just take it one day at a time with her. Don't bear any grudges. I've just read "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's pretty deep philosophical reading but what he says is true - if you hold on to negative feelings and create more negative feelings it will only hurt you. Coming from a place of peace and strength will help you deal with her and who knows, you might even be able to show her, by example, how to be kind. Hope this helps you in some way and best of luck dealing with her.

Hi M. S.

I'm not defending your mil, but is your husband her only son? Were they close before you met? Ask him what his relationship with his mom was like.It could be that she is jealous because she doesn't have his attention anymore. My youngest son and I were very close and when he became engaged it was very hard for me with lots of crying and emotions I did'nt realize I would feel. Now I love my daughter in law very much and happy that they love each other. I also had my husband to help me cope with the loss of this relationship as it was and transition to a new relationship with him. It could be that she just doesn't know how to cope and is taking it out n you, now this isn't right and also the remarks are uncalled for. Your husband also needs to tell his mom that her behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to stop immediately or she is unwelcome in his home. She is a guest in your home and should act accordingly. Hope this helps
M.

First let me say that I am sorry you are having to deal with this difficult situation. I think the first thing you should do is sit down with your husband and tell him how much this bothers you and see what he says. Once a couple is married they should be each others first priority and stick with each other when dealing with parents and in-laws. If he is not willing to sit down and talk with his mom with you and back you up then you also have a problem with him that needs to be dealt with. Second I would tell your mother in law that you need to talk to her and have your husband or other family or a friend with you. I would tell her exactly how you feel and tell her that you are all family and you want to get along and see what she says. Life is way too short for people to be as hateful as it souunds like she is being. Tell her that you want her in your lives and her grandchilds life but only if she can accept you and act mature. What you do next depends on her response but if she continues on her current course I would recommend a good counselor for you (there are many low cost counselors). My husband and I have experience dealing with in-law issues and we have stood together and set boundaries. It is of upmost importance that your mother in law sees that the two of you are each others first priority and that as much as her son loves her that you and your child are now his first priority. If your husband cannot tell his mom this then I would recommend marriage counseling for you. Good luck!!

I know the feeling of having tension between in laws. My husband and I married 8 years ago and for the first couple of years his whole family thought I was a stuck up snob and didn't understand who I was. They were judging me because I always had my house clean, I like nice things, I always kept my children clean, and by that they would say that I thought too much of myself. These people are old fashion and expected me to be the same until my husband sat them down and let them have it. He told them that he loved me for who I was and how I was and he expected them to respect me or else he would not be coming around to see them. I think your husband may need to step up to his mother and once and for all get this issue resolved. You may need to bring this idea to his attention and maybe discuss it over lunch/dinner. As long as your husband is happy with you then she should be making comments on how you chose to live, shop and so on. Sometimes mother in laws want to control their sons until they get told to back off and it sounds like that is what she needs. I will keep you in my prayers and hope this issue get resolved.

My opinion: Your husband needs to fix this situation. He needs to step in NOW. This has gone on long enough. Whether it's partially your fault or completely not your fault, you are his wife and mother of his child and the order of importance in his life has shifted. It should be God first, then wife, then children, then family. Give him a talking to.

IMO, you do NOT need to "suck it up". This woman sounds like she will never be satisfied anyway. I believe that if you were to just become all meek and subjegated, she would only tell your husband that you are doing it because he told you to and that you are not sincere and continue badmouthing you. You really do need to get this situation under control because you can bet dimes to dollars that she will start badmouthing you to your son next. I think that solving this problem starts with you and your DH. You can't do this alone. You two must present a united front to her or it will never work. This is like having a bratty, unruly kid. As long as she believes that she can divide and conquer you, she will continue to do so. You both need to be polite but firm and tell her that she is welcome in your home as long as she can be nice. If she can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. If that's not acceptable to her, then she can't come and spend time with your family until she can. I wouldn't expect an apology nor ask for one. It would never be sincere as you have seen. I would only look for & insist on a change in present and future behavior. I think it's imperative that you find a different daycare situation for your son. She obviously resents doing what she's doing for you guys. But that needs to be removed from the equation. Take things in small steps here too, this situation is not going to magically change over night. And it will likely get worse before it gets better once you and your husband implement your changes. Best of luck to you.

Try praying for her. Maybe call her and just have some one on one time with her to build a relationship between just the two of you. Go out to lunch, dinner or find something that you both like to do. It sounds like you just need to start the relationship over. I am a mother-in-law to 4 daughter-in-laws. I have a different relationship with each of them. Sometimes you just need to find out what their passion is and focus your relationship in that direction.

Oh M. S.,
So sorry about all of this. Sounds like your husband loves you and is willing to talk to his mother time and time again. However, I don't think this woman will change. Even if she doesn't like you, she can't even control her mouth or actions out of respect for her own son! My concern is what she will say to your son about you. Every little infraction or mistake on your part will be pointed out to your son when they are alone. I think your approach is right on, find another sitter and basicially only allow her to be around your son while you and your husband are present. I disagree with the other posts that suggest you take her lunch,etc. You will never be able to do enough for her. Distance yourself and your son from her as much as possible. Good luck!

She won't change...just ignore her. That's what I'm doing!