My husband has never been close with his family. He was raised mostly by his grandparents in Alabama, but when his grandfather remarried very quickly after his grandmother's death that just about ruined that relationship also. I met & spent some time with his mother right after we started dating about 14 years ago, but there was a big family falling out between my husband & his brother soon after that during which his mother took the older brother (whose background is sketchy & questionable). Since then we've seen his mother exactly 1 time which was when she drove from NJ to DE to see him graduate from the Police Academy because she said she missed his high school graduation & didn't want to miss this also.
Since then there's been a few phone calls here & there, but that's about it. We have 2 children, an 11 year old & a 9 year old who don't know this woman at all. My husband is picking her up tomorrow morning while I'm at work & the kids are at school, spending the day with her & then he's got overtime at work tomorrow evening so it'll be just the kids & I with her for hours & hours. I'm honestly nervous we won't have anything to talk about & since he won't be home from work until almost 10pm that's a big chunk of time to spend with someone you don't know, especially when I think we both kind of resent each other (me for the way she treated my husband you know, his entire life, and her I think because I'm white & they MIL, SIL, etc., think I think I'm better than they are which of course I don't.)
I'm very on edge about this & had asked a good friend of mine to come hang out & have dinner with us as kind of a buffer. Is that silly of me?
Thanks to all the answers submitted! Obviously it's hard in a few paragraphs to fully explain a situation, but like everyone else's lives, it's more complicated than it sounded. I ended up not having my friend come over, though she was sort of 'on call' & in the area all evening just in case I needed her because as some of the other Mom's suggested going to a public place just wasn't an option as she was staying at our house. It did end up being all right, MIL & I chatted all evening & I got a lot of really interesting information, but most of the questions I had didn't get answered. She says she'll be coming to visit more often, but I'll believe that when I see it! Thanks again Mom's!
NOPE that is a GOOD idea!
Good luck to you!
Me... well my MIL has NEVER ever visited us... in my 13 years of being married to her Son. AND she rarely calls or writes.... at all.
WE are the ones, who always have to contact her.
Ugh.
GOOD luck,
Susan
I understand your apprehension, but maybe having the friend over is too much - especially if your friend is also white.
I think you should try to let go of the resentment you hold for her. That's your husband's angst to hold if he chooses to. This is your opportunity to forge a new and better relationship, if not for him and yourself then for your kids. They need connection to their heritage. You have no idea what this woman might have gone through and why she made any decisions she thought she had to. Open yourself to the gift she has to offer you and let the relationship unfold as it can.
Talk to her as you would anyone you're fascinated by. Ask her about her childhood, find out who she is and allow your kids to know their grandma.
NO, don't have the friend.....you're giving your MIL an edge then, a weapon to use against you.
Instead, try to start this NEW relationship with honesty & integrity. Tell her how nervous & uncomfortable you feel! Seriously, just tell her how awkward the entire situation seems to you & maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way.....which then gives you common ground to build a new future! Peace!
Don't have the friend come over.
MIL Is coming to see you after 7 years. Maybe she wants to burry the hatchet and establish a relationship with you , the kids and her son.
Go into this with an open mind. Make a nice dinner, have her make the salad if she asks to help, and have the kids talk about all the happenings at school and such.
Tell her stories about the kids when they were younger. Give her a chance.
You might even like her.
Yes, it is silly to have the friend over. Treat her as you would any stranger without trying to let the baggage ruin the visit. That was 7 yrs ago, take it in strides. Be courteous and be yourself. Make her comfortable, ask about her trip, and focus on the kids as the buffer until your husband comes home.
I understand the motivation to have a friend there in your hour of need. Someone to keep the conversation going, keep it polite....but I ditto all given advice....you need to uninvite your friend, aka buffer.
Make this evening just about being with your children's Grandma. Play some soft music to help everyone relax. Have a glass of wine or two. Re-read the posts below for ice breakers. Have one of your kid's board games set up and ready to play. Always start with talking about the weather and the trip. Then switch to family favorite foods.
Hopefully this will be a new beginning for you all. But don't have huge expectations. This is time for baby steps.
We are all going to want to know how the evening turned out and if their was indeed a melting of the hearts. Please come back and tell us the nitty gritty.
Hey Mama,
I recently had a similar situation, we went to visit my husband's family in Texas, who we haven't seen in years, and were staying at my brother-in-law's house with his long time girlfriend, who we never met or talked to. We got to the house around 9 pm and my brother-in-law wasn't there, so we had to introduce ourselves and meet her on our own!
It all worked out well and was a lot of fun. She & I talked about how similar the brothers were and shared stories.
Take out the picture books and share stories I'm sure you'll bond.
R. Magby
Not sure it's a good idea to invite a friend into the environment, yet. At least if it's awkward, MIL can watch TV, kids can go to their rooms and you can always have somethings to do around the house without it looking like you are trying to avoid/ignore her. Invite a friend over, and it's painfully obvious you won't do much bonding with "Mom". Anyway, try not to project your feelings about everything onto your MIL. Unless she says something racist, you can't know her heart. You didn't write if she is staying at your home or if she's going to visit and stay at hotel. So, if she's staying with you, she'll most likely retire to her room around 9 or 10. She can always beg fatigue, especially if she's been out with your husband all day. And, if you haven't seen each other in 7 years, you can spend time sharing pictures of her grandbabies, talking about their interests, and keeping things surface. That should buy you at least three hours. Ask if she'd like to help with dinner, or she can just relax. Throw in a few family games with the children, or the two of you can watch TV together. Might I recommend very neutral, engaging shows like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Don't get into old news--that's between her and your husband, though of course you will sympathize more with your husband and be very cautious about revealing very personal information. Trust is earned, not blindly given. If she criticizes anything, just remember she's there for the short-term, and if everyone really is working to rebuild the relationship, at some point, you might find you all have more in common than you think and that you might--uh, oh--like each other. If she's really a spiteful, bitter person, just recognize this will probably be last invite, try not to watch the clock, and be glad she lives in another state.
one friend hell, bring along a whole paltoon, it sounds like this woman has being playing favorites between her kids their entire lives, no wonder youir husband avoids her. oh, by the way, thats why he is working a double shift that day, so he wont have to be there.do yourself and your kids a real favor, meet the woman in a public place, the mall for instance and if you truly dont like her, LEAVE, is this rude, sure. but better then spending time with someone you cant stand.
K. h.
I wouldn't invite the friend -- that will be very obvious to your MIL. I would do something with you, her and the kids so you don't have to talk the whole time -- go out to a park or something.
You don't have time to be resentful-zero in on your MIL's good qualities and stay riveted on that. You may be what the family needs to put aside the past and move forward. I spent some time in Alabama when my son went to U of Alabama-(Roll Tide!) and I've got to tell you-they are among the loveliest people I have ever met-they are intelligent, compassionate, mannerly, good-natured and toothache sweet! If you can't get along with an Alabaman for a few hours-you just can't get along! It will be fine-and it's ok to have a friend over on the pretense that she is your dear friend and you were so excited to have MIL coming for a visit-you just had to have her over, as well. Also-men who remarry quickly do so because they loved their wives and being married more than anything else and they can't live without the love and security. It speaks volumes for the dear departed Gran. Good luck! You got this!
Not silly at all if it makes you more comfortable. Think of it this way, if this woman was someone random on the street would you invite her to come hang out? Family is not what your born into but who raises you and nutures you through your life. Just because she is related to your spouse by blood does not mean you will be instant friends
Hi Melissa,
That is so NOT silly of you - your friend can hold her down, while you... COMPLETELY kidding (feelings of my own MIL were creeping in there) AND trying to make light of the situation. :)
Seriously, I think it is a great idea, especially with your kids there. If things get awkward or heated, your friend can keep the kids occupied, etc. Your MIL has no room to criticize you for this decision! She is lucky she has the chance to see her grandchildren!
If she really has come to bury the hatchet, that is great! Your friend can disappear if you need her to. Good luck and God Bless You for even letting her into your house. I don't know if I would be able to do the same in this situation.
Please let us all know how it goes,
L.
I think if your friend doesn't mind being there for you, I think having her there as a buffer is a very good idea.
Hello,
I read your story and I agree, don't have your friend over. Take this time to get to know her. Life is to short to carry around old baggage. We don't know why she did what she did. Sometimes there are problems under the surface that others don't know. Give her a chance. Sit and talk, talk about anything, just make her feel comfortable. Good luck
