MIL Question - King George,VA

YAAAYYY!! Hubby!
YAAAYYY!! SIL!!

You need to find another place for them to stay when they visit.
Can you afford to rent a motel room for them close by?

About what she says or thinks . . . .
Someone wise (I forgot who) once said
Your opinion of me is none of my business.

If she says something nasty or offensive,
can you pretend you're an anthropologist
and simply smile at the strangeness of her thought patterns?
Marvel at the vast differences among species
that a creature can have such a different mindset
and set of beliefs than your own?

See if you can divert your potential anger
into something creative and innovative.
Perhaps have some diversionary tactics in mind before you need them.

MIL says yadda yadda yadda,
you say (something like)
I must show you this terrific comforter Aunt Sadie made for us.
Have you seen that new TV show with the silly costumes and stunts?
etc.

Good luck!

S.

Just try to ignore her, which is near impossible by the sound of it. Bite your tongue.
Look, most in-laws think that no one could possibly do as good of a job as they did in the raising of kids. Just like a lot of them think that no one is good enough for their sons.
I would question the sister-in-law's motives in telling you this. She may have had good intentions. Probably did. BUT...if she is talking to you about the mother, I promise you that she is talking about you to the mother-in-law. So be careful what you say to her. She is without a doubt going to tell the MIL everything. To be the "apple of her eye".

My MIL was like a second mother, so I do not have that experience, but there are lots of nasty people that we come in contact with in our lives over the years. One of the things I learned was to pray for someone for two weeks, even if you do not mean the words. Pray for them to have all the desires of their heart. You will find that after a period of time, you mean the prayer, and that the person might actually change, or you might not react to her the same way because you cut the "psychic" ties that were causing you pain. A book I read years ago was called Making Peace with your Parents, by Harold Bloomfield. He suggested writing a letter to someone you resent (DO NOT SEND IT) and reading it to a photo of them. (Sort of a role playing technique) Let out all the hurts and frustrations and anger and pain, then burn the letter.
I just know that if we react to those who hurt us, we will have more problems as a result. It will escalate. Also from Bloomfield: "What you resist persists." Or as someone else said, "Resist not evil." Good Luck.

Take deep breaths and time outs as needed. :D

And by time outs I mean go into the bathroom to calm yourself down, look in the mirror and say, "It just doesn't matter." You don't say how old your MIL is, but let's face it, she most likely has less years ahead of her than you do. Knowing that I'll outlive my MIL by a long shot always puts a smile on my face.

Best of luck!

Maybe it would help you to remember that your behavior towards your mother-in-law is what sets the example for your children. That can go a long way towards helping them "grit their teeth" when dealing with similair people in life. Good luck. The situation is unfortunate.

I have to opposite problem in that my mother is nice to my face and talks behind my back. She talks behind everyones back. Dont give your MIL any ammo. Like you said, be sweet as pie to her. SHe's obviously a toxic person, so dont her affect your life. I know it's hard, but thats the best way to deal with people like her. Of course she knows better, but they dont care. Dont waste your energy on her. Be the bigger person, and stay upbeat. Who cares if she downs you for the way you raise your kids. Obviously you're doing it right, you dont WANT her to see you like herself do you? Thats how I feel about my mom.
She disagrees with the way I live and raise my kids? GREAT, that means Im nothing like her. THANK GOD :)

I am going to offer a thought that runs contrary to all the threads here. I've never had MIL problem, but I've deal with this kind of thing. Here's my advice:

Go to your mother in law and say that you heard she was unhappy with your actions on the fireworks night, and ask her if this is correct. (Do this in a straightforward but neutral way, not a belligerant way.) She may say it is correct. If so, you explain in a friendly tone why you did what you did, and that if a similar situation occurs in the future you (or your husband) will probably do it again. (I'm with you on the kid removal, BTW.) Say this like it's just for her information, as in "this is the way we handle these things in our house." You might throw in a perfunctory "sorry it bothered you" but make it clear you have no intention of doing things differently. Game over.

The second response is that she may say, "Oh, no, of course not! Why would I ever say such a thing?" In that case you have two possibilities. One is that you think she's lying. Don't call her on it, just say that you hope in the future if she ever DOES have any problem with you that you'll hear from her directly. Everything's in a friendly, matter-of-fact tone. Game over; you've called her bluff.

OR....she will be genuinely shocked that you heard something that was untrue. In that case, you don't have a MIL problem, you've got a SIL problem--and if that's the case, your MIL will shortly be tearing your SIL a new one, for trying to stir up trouble and making her, the MIL, look like the instigator; SIL. meanwhile, will have been defeated in her purpose of trying to get herself and you on the same "side" against the MIL. How they work that out won't matter to you, because as far as you're concerned the game is STILL over.

I really believe that sucking it up, biting your tongue, acting "sweet" etc. just plays into the drama here. The best way to end the drama is to simply refuse to participate (though my experience is that people who like to stir things up this way are endlessly inventive about thinking of new ways to do it--so stand by for more such foolishness).

In any event, refusing to play the game relieves you of the immediate problem and ships all that negative karma right back to the sender. Much better than trying to stuff it, I think. It also sends the message to whoever the troublemaker is that whatever it is they're trying to do to you, they have met a worthy adversary who doesn't mess around....and that should make future in-law visits much more tolerable.

D.:

I know we haven't met in person - but we have chatted!! We will have to meet at the Smithsonian this year!!!

I would've done the same thing with my son - I would've removed him from the situation - which in MY opinion is the right thing to do. Why make others suffer through a tantrum?

Any way - my suggestion with your MIL is exactly what you've already said - be as sweet as honey. When you need to say something NASTY (and I soooooooooooo know how tempting it is) get up and go to the bathroom look in the mirror and say those nasty things - get it out - but not to her face as she will just use this against you - and come back all sweet again!

My MIL died on Mothers Day 2006 - just her style!! We had our moments - but I tried all the time to be sweet. There was one time when I had had enough and told her that if she couldn't be nice around me - then please don't come around - she looked aghast (as she was born a blue blood) the November before she died (I think she knew she was dying) she flew down here for Thanksgiving and we had a LONG talk - lots of laughing and tears - she told me how happy she was that Bob had found me and we were happy together, blah -blah blah - (LOL!) but it stuck with me.

My FIL as well as my SIL (the baby of the family) have taken up the "drama" of the family - my FIL "loves" me to my face but when he THINKS I'm not around - dogs me to my husband. My husband didn't know I was listening in once and told him "dad - she's MY WIFE, I love her and she makes me happy - DO NOT make me choose". His baby sister is a control freak now - "mothering" her dad and now has decided to buy a home that has a MIL suite out back - bedroom, sitting area, kitchenette - and is EXPECTING us to contribute. We told her not only no, but heck no and she flipped out. Any way - SIL can only say snide comments around me - so I un-friended her on FB and we don't reach out to her. She asked Bob why and he said "you are just an unhappy and negative person - we don't want that in our lives" and of course, she blamed me - but really it's her.

I know this is long and drawn out - bottom line - you are too good for the drama and nastiness in your life - you've been nothing but good to people here on MP and respectful - so really? Don't let her get you down. You don't need people like that in your life. When they come down to visit - set the parameters - if she doesn't like it - let her know of some good hotels that she can stay in.

Take good care!! God Bless!!
me

Welcome to the world of the In-Laws! You just have to ignore her and if all she said was you over reacted, you are early in the stage.

Stay away from all of it. I have been married for 14 years and I now know that the minute I do something unapproved, the MIL picks up the phone and calls the FIL or vice versa to be sure they are all on board. They then slip a bit to my BIL, who accidentally told me they have talked about me when he was too drunk to hold his tongue.

I can't tell you how many time I have been reeled in. They will call me and ask me a question, my opinion, or for my assistance. Well, for a while, dumb-dumb answer everything, because much like yourself, I am pretty upfront. Well, the minute this was not something they approved of, the took off like wildfire.

For a while, I only had a hunch of what they did, but now that the other target has moved in and I see what they do with her, I am certain they all hold conversations about me.

Two times now my MIL has called me and outright talked about my BIL's girlfriend. She said thing about her that I know she will not say to her face.

So with experience, I say step away from this. Ignore it.

My husband's family is like this. My MIL is nice to my face but according to my SIL she has lots to say behind my back. My husband's philosophy is if they are nice to my face, he is okay with that and he can't control what is said behind our backs not in his presence. After 15 yrs, I have learned to ignore it. They thrive on drama over there. I don't invite them over because they often complain about our house and I don't feel comfortable with them here. So we don't see each other much. Just try to grin and bear it (and ask your SIL not to pass on the poison, it really doesn't help you and she is getting some joy passing it along).

I like a lot of your posts. The thing that strikes me about your question is how you say the 'SIL is on board'. And yet she's the one who started the drama to begin with! I do not see how she is a great ally! I would see no point in passing on a nasty comment from one family member to the other, what is the motivation? Right away that would be a red flag to not share any confidences with the SIL, clearly she enjoys creating conflict that wouldn't otherwise be there! HHmmmm, maybe she's just like her mother! tehehe, gossiping old hags! Thank heaven's your husband is supportive! Btw, I have much more respect for someone like you who has the power of your own convictions with regards to your parenting style, then a lot of Moms who read all the damn books and STILL can't decide WHAT to do. Kudos to you!

D., all I can say is hang in there. Your hubby sounds like a great guy. God bless the 2 of you. It sounds to me like your disciplining of your kids is right on. Too many brats out there. LOL.

The only person you can change is yourself. She is the way she is, as unfortunate as that is, and you can either accept it or stew. The second option gives her the power over you......Demonstrate the same kind of patience you have with children with adults. Like you said, you accept things with kids but not with adults because they "should know better" but the thing is.....she doesn't know better. You're offended by her judgement of your parenting. That's the trigger. Know that you're doing what you believe to be right and let it roll off your back. Good luck.

I am going to tell you the same thing that I preached to my girls for YEARS.....
"You cannot be held responsible for what OTHERS do...you can only be reponsible for what YOU do". Don't let her reel you into the family drama...as Shira said...ignore it and move on.
WHY do you care that she didn't think you should have taken your fussy child to the car instead of letting him scream through the fireworks? I would smile sweetly, say to that SIL ( Who may not have been as helpful as you think...why did she had to report this to you?? Was she just stirring the pot?) " Oh well...each of us are entitled to our own opinion I guess".
I don't approve of each and every decision that my daughter and SIL make about my grandson...but it isn't necessary for me to approve...I raised her...now she is raising him!!!
You say you are great with having patience with children...think of your MIL as an oversized child and just use the same patience with her. Believe me you are NOT going to change her...my own MIL ( Of 42 years) has been what I would call a "toxic MIL" for most of those years...she is SO sweet to my face...says SUCH nice things but I know that it is mostly for show...and I know for a fact that she has had some less than nice things to say about me, my husband and the way we choose to raise our children, behind our backs. What she doesn't know is that ALL of us are onto her...her own daughters know how she is...and they take it all into consideration as she tries to involve us in her drama.
Personally, I think you made the right call, taking your son away from those loud, smelly fireworks and taking him to the car to help him settle down and recover from the day. Just keep on doing what you feel is best for your child and for your family...thank goodness that you have a hubby that backs you up and let your MIL live her life the way she chooses to!!!
Look at her visits as opportunities for her to forge a relationship with her grandchildren..and just pack the time FULL of activities that keep you from having to sit and deal with her one on one!!! Also...assure yourself that your children will see the truth of the situation as they grow...our now adult children know just exactly what their Grandma is all about!!! lol

You've gotten a lot of good responses on here. I definatly liked the one that suggest you pack lots of activities for HER to do with your CHILDREN so she doesn't have to spend as much time with you. Establishing some boundries here would be a good way to start....you don't have to be confrontational about it, but instead sweet as pie!

I also have a very passive aggressive MIL. When I had my son was the first time I noticed there was a problem...but I smothered her with as much kindness as I could muster up and the situation is better now. I'm sure she doesn't like me very much but I don't get to hear what she has to say or think about me so it makes it easier to spend time with her. Right now I avoid spending one on one time with her and instead try to get her to spend that time with my son.

Just an observation though...it seems there are A LOT of MIL's out there that behave this way...it seems they're lonely ppl and don't have a better way to spend their time. She must be insecure with her life and her own choices as a mother to be so critical of yours. Try to re-direct your emotions (anger) into something less toxic for you (pity).

I'm sooo glad your husband is behind you on this and I agree with other posters...beware of your SIL's intentions. They don't seem as innocent as trying to just let you know. If she tries to meddle again I would change the subject and not let her know how much it bothers you.

I wish you lots and lots of luck...MIL's can be VERY difficult problem!

A.

I Have the same issue, but you are lucky, your husband is on your side. Mine just makes excuses for his. But My friends have told me to invite her into my childs life and what ever she chooses to do is on her. My daughter doesn't know any differently anyway. Just try to keep communication open but some space in between helps a lot.

This is very simple, limit the time you (and the family) spend with her. If she plans an all day event, say "we have some other plans that day but can be there for the fireworks, or lunch, dinner, whatever". Don't feel obligated just because she is "family" that you have to cater to her every whim and go to every event. I have learned this as well and me and my family are much happier. Simply deleting the things and people from your life that don't make you happy does wonders. And if it's family and you can't delete them...then LIMIT them!!! Good luck!!!

Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand completely and have MIL issues myself! First, don't stuff your feelings. Let them out and if she happens to be the one to receive them, then so be it! Even though she is 4 hours away, you don't have to let her stay with you. All you have to say is it works better for the kids to have their own routine and schedule and you would be happy to send her a list of fine hotels in the area. I would never let my MIL stay with us. It just wouldn't work. I only want respectful, loving people in my home---so if she doesn't fit the bill, give her the boot! So that's my 2cents. I just think honesty is the best policy. If she can't handle the truth, she shouldn't be dishing out the garbage.

M

Your MIL sounds like my mother. She is sweet as pie to my SIL, but rips her to shreds behind her back. EVERY bad thing that has happened to my brother since the two of them met is SIL's fault; never mind that my brother actually runs the family with an iron fist and makes all the decisions, Mom is convinced that he makes them because that's what SIL wants. My poor SIL could be in a coma and somehow everything would still be her fault!
Brother & SIL have been married for 15 years, and they've lasted this long because SIL has learned to smile and ignore Mom. It doesn't matter what she does, she will NEVER win, so about 10 years ago she just stopped trying. She's civil, she never criticizes Mom, never argues with her - she just treats her like she would any stranger in the grocery store line or at the library, with respect and a smile.
If you truly believe that talking it out with your MIL won't do any good you might just have to develop a thick skin and a quick smile. If she starts in on you, walk away. Don't share details with her, just answer questions politely and let it go - make sure you don't tell her anything that you don't want coming back to haunt you! Remember that it's her loss, not yours, and view the whole situation with a sense of humor - it's much better to laugh about it than cry about it.
Good luck, I hope it works out for the best!

I'm with you! Patience and children go hand in hand... but adults, not so much. Or... er.... um... at all.

I deal with these sorts of things in a couple of ways:

- Stuffing (I'm scottish, I'm good at stuffing)... mostly I do this by pretending the person is mentally handicapped. This works GREAT in sooooo many different ways.

- Voting with my feet. This is less the backbiting, and more the unacceptable behavior/verbiage realm. As in I give a warning (Look darling/love/sweetheat/etc., I love you dearly, but ______ is just NOT okay with me.) and then I smile, hug, and leave if it keeps up. ((I'm talking the "minor" stuff... major stuff gets quite a bit more starch in it.)) Either, however, is liberating, because the offending person is no longer mucking up my day/week.

Mostly, however, I just pretend they've had a brain injury.

You did the considerate thing by removing your son - don't let her comments make you doubt your parenting skills. My word of advice is to pick your battles with her - this one about the fireworks is small. Confront her when it's something that is absolutely wrong like lying about you or endangerment of your child, etc... And if your husband is behind you on dealing with her - let him handle the confrontation. It's HIS mother!

I have a very controlling, manipulative MIL myself, and have had to decide what's worth confronting her over. (like allowing my 5 year old to ride her bike alone in a on a very busy thoroughfare street in our neighborhood - ugh!) Mine also tells my kids they can do things or go places without asking me or my husband first, so then when we say no, we're the bad guys not her. We've had several blow outs about that manipulative behavior, and she just doesn't seem to "get it".

I agree with Zina - there needs to be a group for MIL support for us mommies! We need somewhere to vent other than our spouses. You have every right to confront her - just be sure it's over something you think will be worth it in the end. Good luck and know that lots of us are experiencing the same junk. You are not alone! :)

You have received some wonderful advice, so I won't add much. It sounds like you have wonderful husband that is as important as anything! (It's too hard to deal with crazy MIL if your husband doesn't have your). I think you should try to let this one go, bite your tongue and move on. There may come a day when she does something that you cannot ignore, and you will have more credibility if you have held your head high and not been dragged into her drama. Hang in there.

PS - I would have done EXACTLY the same thing regarding the fireworks!

D.,
I'm like you--outspoken and not O. to be intimidated into silence. My MIL is a real piece of work, too.
Your hubby has this nailed "she thrives on drama and he's got your back and you shouldn't care what she thinks or says." That's enough.
I bite my tongue til it BLEEDS sometimes around my MIL, but if it's a real enough, or big enough issue--I do speak my mind.
But keep in mind, O. of the most loving things you could ever do for your hubby is to keep peace with his mom. You already know this and seem to be doing it.
I would caution you a bit because I'm reading from your post like you are dividing the family into "sides" (you, hubby, SIL vs. MIL). That's never a good thing with family and with a drama queen like your MIL--you should keep your frustrations to yourself. She's not going to change and most likely not going anywhere for quite a while. Good luck!

My MIL is the same as your's she's judgemental and back stabbing. She will also make little comments right to my face and that's when I'll get right back at her. However, I do it in a way that's just pushing right back--for example, while helping me move my kitchen she made a comment about how many jellies I have in the fridge (who cares) and I said thank you for sharing and left it at that. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I wasn't being nice when I said this.

My MIL lives 6 hours away and only visits twice a year and we go up to see her probably once per year since she can't be bothered to have us stay with her. so we may be lucky in that we might not see her as much as you see your's. It's harder when the comments aren't heard directly by you and are coming second hand. I would wait until you have the opportunity to hand it back because chances are if she's so brazen to tell everyone in the family what a horrible parent you are then she is the type to make snide comments in your presence. When my MIL comes to visit I usually only talk to her if she speaks to me first. She's always been rude so I've always kept her at arms length which may be hard for you to get away with since you've previously had a good relationship.

You do know that you are going to get plenty of comments on here that say "she's your husbands mother so forgive and forget," but there's only so many times that this will work before you blow up. I hope this helps and makes you at least feel like you're not alone.

D.,

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. Your MIL is your son's grandma. No matter the relationship between the two of you, she will always be something special to him. I didn't appreciate the interference with my MIL or my mom, for that matter. My oldest is now 16 and when I see other moms with their toddlers, I sort of understand where my MIL and mom were coming from. I'm not suggesting that you allow anyone other than your husband to parent your son. I'm merely saying that my own views about parenting young children has changed. Probably because I don't have little ones anymore.

Okay, now on to the relationship with MIL. From my own experience with my MIL, her negative statements about me hurt me because I let her be a part of my family. In my heart. I thought I was truly the "daughter she never had." So to keep her from hurting me, I put a wall up. I can be cordial but we aren't friends. And that's okay. I agree with Hubby, don't get sucked into the drama. As far as being in contact with MIL every couple months, let Hubs be the the point of contact for your family.

Personally, I would call your MIL out. I would ask her what kind of relationship does she wants with you. Maybe she doesn't really like you and only tolerates you because you are married to her son. Or maybe she's a spoiled brat who wants to control every situation. I don't know what kind of a woman your MIL is. I only know mine and we aren't speaking right now. She got upset over a situation where I wouldn't bend over backwards to please her. I wish she had just spoken her mind but that's not how she operates.

It is good to hear that your husband has your back. Good luck.

~K.

Well, I for some reason can't read the responses before writing mine, but I wanted to share with you that my MIL is also a drama queen, an alcoholic, and completely self-centered. She truly has NO insight into her own crazy behaviors- she says and does totally mean and inappropriate things all the time, and has no idea they are wrong. I have resolved to my self that she is a lost cause, and there is NO point in trying to get my husband to talk to her. Example- she completely rearranges my house every visit, so I can't find our stuff, and thinks nothing of this....I just wait until she leaves and then re-organize. She often says the most completely off the wall rude things to me and I just keep my mouth shut. It may not soothe you much, but know that at least you don't have to deal with these "comments" face to face- I am in a time in my life where my children and husband come FIRST. I truly TRULY do not care what my in laws think of me- not my child rearing, my housekeeping, my cooking- nada- I know better than to lose any sleep over that stuff. All that matters is my daughters and hubs- if they are happy and well cared for, then I am too. I don't know many women that get along with their MILs....might just be a fact of life. I just lost my Mom to cancer this summer, so being with my MIL also makes me grow even more fond of the sweet memories I have of my own Mom....(*RIP Mom!! LOVE YOU!). Good luck. I say turn the other cheek and enjoy your family.

i had a mother in law like that, very nice to you when she knew she was being watched, but very, very nasty the moment she knew nobody was watching her. what to do, very simple, grasshopper.. the next time she asks you to do something for her, say, i am sorry, but, i wasnt raised to do favors for people who say nasty things about me behind my back, and make sure that everyone else hears you say this to her. after that, do not speak her without a witness, if she asks how your day was, tell her about the weather do not ever give her personal information about you or your family again, with no new and interesting gossip, she will start rehashing old gossip about you and eventually the listeners will get bored. dont be surprised if you learn that someone close to her is encouraging the behavior. i learned after my mil death that her closeted older son had been encouraging her to nasty to me because he truly hated me, some family.
K. h.
also dont leave your mail around where she can snoop, dont allow to talk to your kids without you present, if she invites herself over, tell her she can stay, but it will cost her $!00 per day, no meals included. and you want the
money upfront. if your husband doesnt like this tough love approach, tell him he can sleep on the couch. at this point your mil will get the clue, and leave you ALONE.