A 9 year old Autistic boy who doesn't speak went missing I believe Sunday afternoon in a county about an hour away from us. Yesterday they were asking for volunteers to join their search parties. I called my husband and asked him if he would mind if I went to go help. Well by the time I spoke with him yesterday, it was too late to go, so when he got home, I told him I'd spoken with the Hanover sheriffs department and I'd like to go tmrw (being today).
For some reason, my husband got it in his head that, I don't know, he was going to be some big hero or something, and decided he wanted to go too. That's very admirable, but not at all reasonable. 1-I have extremely flexible work hours, he doesn't. 2- He's already covering for another guy on his work crew who's out of town this week, if my husband doesn't go in, they're down 2 out of 4 guys!! 3- They're hiring another guy, and guess who's job he's going to take if he's flaking off on the job? That's right, my husband's.
To me, it's common sense: he's putting our entire family in jeopardy to join the search party for this little boy. Now I know how absolutely, 100% important it is to find this little boy, I can't imagine what his family's going through... nothing but my sympathy and compassion here! I'm the one who's all humanitarian, my husband is not.... but he made the BIGGEST stink about it when I reminded him that he had a job he can't afford to lose. WE CAN NOT SURVIVE OFF MY PAYCHECK ALONE. Yet I'm the bad guy here... It makes more sense for me to try to find a babysitter for the baby, or put him in the baby backpack, and go see what I can do. I won't lose my job over this; he very well could. Again, I admire and respect him for wanting to do this, and I know we have to find this little boy... It's just not realistic for my husband losing his job over it.
Am I wrong here? Is he just being a putz, or am I really the bad guy here? OH and I should mention they're also sending out groups at night to find this boy; I told my husband no big deal if he wants to join that search party... I've been trying to compromise with him. What would you do/say in this situation?
BY THE WAY, if anyone is near or around the DOSWELL, VA area and would like to help search for 9 year old Robbie Woods, Jr, the search groups are meeting in the parking lot at Kings Dominion. Contact Hanover Sheriffs nonemergency number for more information, or send me a PM :)
@Dawn, NO he's not just trying to get out of work. What's fun about tediously scaling hundreds of miles of land to find a potentially dead child? No, he wants to help and I admire him for that...
You're right, he's wrong.
His first priority should be his job.
THEN he can go & join the search.
It would be irresponsible for him to miss work to go.
His heart may be in the right place, but in this case, he needs to listen to his brain.
I would also imagine the need for volunteers for the night shift would be more in need of people!
You are not being unreasonable. He can join the night search, like you mentioned. By going to work and continuing to keep his employment secure he is keeping HIS kids secure and safe. That's what men do. Protect and provide for women and children. Starting at home.
Just my 2¢
I think all people want to put others first. The other thing is you guys are land on your feet kind of people. Ya know, sure it would be hard but in the end you would survive. He is probably thinking whatever happens to you guys can't be worse than losing a child.
I wouldn't be so hard on him but he does need to get his butt to work.
No, R. - you are NOT wrong.
I think Rob is in "daddy mode"...how would he feel if Roman went missing? Roman doesn't have a lot of speech right now and maybe Robbie doesn't either.
Tell Rob that when he gets off work, he can meet you there. That way - he IS helping both your family and that of Robbie's family...he still gets to contribute his time and efforts in the search and still keep his job.
I think it's great that you are doing this!! We are about 1.50 hours from Kings Dominion...depending upon traffic!! You should've called me last night!!!
No, you're not the bad guy, I completely agree with you. He could go after work if he wants to.
Keeping food on the table for your kids is important too. :)
Yep, Cheryl's right. He can do both, go to work during the day & join the search party in the evening just like you suggested.
Added: Just saw your SWH - didn't mean to offend. I was talking about the outdoor part being better than working inside. He certainly hopes to find a LIVE child - the kid is lost, surely not dead. No offense intended, R. - I didn't mean it the way you took it, and I'm sorry. I was agreeing with YOU about him needing to work. Going at night sounds like a good compromise.
Original:
R., it sounds like it's a way to get off of work without looking bad to his employer. He's an outdoorsman (likes to fish?) and this is outdoors, but for a worthy cause.
I agree with you, and most probably he does too, but he won't admit that, and he's mad that you bring up the truth, when he would rather not hear it. Only you know your husband - we really don't other than what you say about him, but from your description about him not being "humanitarian", I think that this is really about him wanting not to be at work.
I hope he listens to you and goes to work anyway, even if he grudgingly does it. And if you can actually go and help (do you have someone to watch the kids?), that would be wonderful.
Sorry!
Dawn
Very sad situation. I wish nothing but the best for the search!
Did you explain to your husband [in detail] that you think it's wonderful that he wants to help and that you completely understand why, but that you really feel that he is needed at work? There are ways to 'massage' your words to make him sound like the best guy in the world and still get him to cooperate with the sensible thing to do.
If you use any terms like, we cannot afford, it's not realistic for you, you need to.... you're being silly/rediculous... Any of that will put him on the defense.
I can understand both points of view. Can you manage if he gives up one day at work? If they are looking at night, maybe he can go then. I am sure he is thinking like a dad and most likely worried about this child too.
I pray they find this boy quickly.
My ex husband was like this, using every excuse in the book to get out of work. Which is why he is constantly "laid off" every 6-12 months or so....basically because of his attendance, or lack thereof. Anyway, I would just talk to hubby and say that although it would be great for him to help out, he really cannot put his job at risk like that. Maybe offer him to go after he gets home from work? I hope they find the little boy and that you guys work this out. Good luck!
That's a man for you. My husband is like this as well. I know part of it is out of an intense desire to help, that's what is job is about, after all. But I also another part is about his intense desire to be the hero and save the day and have everyone say, "Oh Mark! You are amazing!" Silly.
We talked about it too.
It breaks my heart and to be so close.
Rob should go to work, he knows that. He should do the night time search.
We have been praying for Robbie. It has been so cold and he only has a long sleeve t-shirt.
I totally agree with you. And you probally know he would never have gone or even considered it if you weren't.
Hi, R.:
Is this a control issue?
Do you think your husband has
the ability to make decisions for himself
and his values without someone challenging
his decision?
Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.
I'll betcha lot's of people that volunteer to do searches put their own welfare at risk, it's pretty admirable. Surely your husband wouldnt do it if he thought he'd really lose his job.
