Mixing Business with Personal Life

I think the problem here is undoing what's already been done or allowed. I get how things have evolved to this point and there was no clear moment when things went over the line. And I see that she's a professional relationship, previously a social one (through volunteering) who is also fairly intimately involved with your kids as a tutor.

I think you have to take baby steps unless you want an outright confrontation, which isn't going to work in your office setting. So start with the CPS business - stop discussing whether you agree with her or not. Just murmur, "Do what you think is right" and say no more. If she goes into it more, repeat the same phrase while you are busy doing your work. If she persists, say, "I'm sorry but I really need to get my work done." Don't participate in the gossip, even if you are disagreeing with her assessment - it's still gossip. So you can't change her, only yourself. If pressed over time, you can say, "You know, I'm not too proud of myself for engaging in gossip about others. I really need to stop." Otherwise you can just murmur "Um-hmmmm..." and keep pushing papers or, better yet, pick up the phone to make a work call. But that also means NO MORE SHARING of anything personal at all in the office - no "how was your weekend?" and no "you won't believe what my kid did yesterday." NONE OF IT. cold turkey.

Kids without coats or shoes? Say "if he's cold, he'll learn to take a jacket the next time. Thanks for your concern but I've got this." Shoes? "I've got this." Don't explain that one brand held up and the other didn't. Just "I've got this." You can make a half-joke like "I'm paying you to work on math, not fashion." Or you can stop having her tutor him because the focus is on other things and not his schoolwork. Find another tutor.

If she shares info that others shared with her in confidence, stop her in her tracks. "That info was given to you in confidence, and I don't want to hear one more word." Of course, the next logical thing to say is that you won't share anything with her because she shares with others! She doesn't honor commitments or confidentiality. You can say that outright, or you can say, "You know, Matilda, your concern for others leads you to discuss private matters with other people. So I'm not comfortable sharing things that will go beyond this conversation. Let's just get to work, shall we?" If she's your boss, you have to be careful. If she's not, you'd best understand right now that management will notice she's gossiping about people in the office or even the managers themselves, and you will be considered a part of it. Tell her your job is important to you and you think conversations should be 100% professional and not social, lest you get called in to HR, the boss' office, or even lose your job. (Let her extrapolate that her job could be in jeopardy.)

I think since you know what she's like, you should back off and be really professional. I used to have a boss where I stopped inviting her to discuss my family or kids because she was so critical of every little thing. Maybe it made me seem cold, but if it was really an item of concern for me, she didn't need to know unless it affected my work (like when SD got MRSA and I needed to take her to the doctor). You might come up with some standard answers like, "Don't be concerned about my son. He's well cared for." Or "My son made a mistake not to bring his coat. He was fine and learned something about being prepared." And then change the topic.

I'd probably also look for a different tutor if she is always up in your business.

You need to figure out your end goal, and then gracefully get there.

Do you want to not work with her? Not sit with her? Not have her tutoring?

Whatever you need, figure that out first, because you can't change her personality. You CAN successfully deflect gossip. I do it often. If it's a fleeting comment someone hurls at me about someone else as a joke or whatever, I just don't laugh and don't comment and try to distance myself quickly. If it's someone I'm in a captive situation with for a few hours and I know they'll keep it up, I'll cheerfully say, "I don't want to hear it!" and if they keep doing it, I'll say, still cheerfully, "No, for real, don't even tell me, I don't want to know." Especially when she leads with "don't say anything" or "you didn't hear it from me". You CAN establish yourself as someone who doesn't entertain that with words that she will understand.

Ask to be moved if possible if you will keep her as a tutor, or let her go from tutoring if you must sit by her, or just try to manage the situation as is. As for all her comments about everyone's kids and coats and shoes, YES THAT'S ANNOYING. But not deadly. She sounds like a person ho is only bearable in small doses and work environments really suck for that reason. Let it go. Or you can joke back to her about it when she comments on things like, "Oh, you'll love this, not only were my son's shoes rags, and he had no coat, poor orphan, I forgot to give him his snack the other day! I thought you'd like that, Are you gonna call CPS?" Say it with a smile. Start making fun of her for doing it while showing no shame of your own. Either ignore her comments about others or refute them. Whatever you're up for. She thinks she's right, so there is no harm in pointing out that not everyone thinks like her.

This sounds like a case of way too much togetherness. She's in both your professional and personal lives and apparently -- with some reason, too -- feels close enough to you that she shares stuff with you she shouldn't, and close enough to your kids that she feels she can comment on the need for a coat or shoes. what you see as intrusive (and I probably would see it as you do), she might see as just being a very good friend, as "sharing," as "watching out for the kids." Try to give her a little benefit of the doubt here; she doesn't sound mean, but she sounds like a person who might be lonely and overstepping boundaries because she feels a closeness you do not. But--yes, things have to change.

It's past time to end the tutoring. She is now a coworker or...supervisor? Someone else below noted that it was hard to tell; if she IS your boss or supervises you in any way, that makes it even more imperative that you not have this outside relationship with her being so in your kids' business. It's just not appropriate for a coworker to be this involved with your kids outside work, unless you and she really are close friends, and you are not.

It might seem hard to end the tutoring/piano teacher relationship but there is the somewhat natural "break" of the holidays coming up. Tell her right away that you and the kids are re-evaluating their schedules for the rest of the school year after winter break, and you're very likely to end the tutoring/lessons in January. That gives her something of a heads-up and a few weeks' notice. And then quickly and clearly end things in January: "It's been great having you tutor/teach piano but the kids' activities/school mean we're going to reduce everything else for the rest of this school year." Approach this with some care, since apparently she's been working with your kids for a while, and give her notice, and maybe a parting gift and nice, homemade thank-you cards from the kids (after all, I'm figuring here she's been a good tutor/teacher, so no need to dismiss her out of hand--do it as nicely as you would for any other adult who had been working for you and done a good job). You might want to give her two weeks' paid notice or a month so she can finish up whatever she's teaching them. Don't make it abrupt but do provide a clear ending date for the last session or lesson.

I would suggest that you find some volunteer opportunities that might interest her and let her know about them in a casual way. She sounds as if maybe she needs to fill her time and occupy her mind now that her kids are gone from home, and as if she's been seeing your family as a bit of a substitute for her own family, maybe. Look up some opportunities and pass them on but don't announce that you're doing it because she needs help socially etc. Just bring it up.

At work she will probably continue to ask about the kids and want to talk about other people even after you stop seeing her outside work as a tutor etc. When she asks about the kids, it's OK to answer but be brief and move on quickly to a work topic. "Sally's doing well in math, thanks for asking! Hey, have you seen the X report this morning?..." Same goes for her trying to share information you don't want to hear. When she prefaces something with "Don't repeat this," hold up a hand, put on a huge smile and say, "Whoa, I'd better not hear it if I can't repeat it! Who knows what could happen at the office holiday party!" and brush it off with a laugh and a move directly to a work-related question she has to answer.

I do feel sorry for her, frankly. It sounds like she sees you as closer to her than you are and like she needs to be involved with other people more. I would really find ways to direct her attention toward some other volunteering -- especially since you say you first met her while volunteering, so she must have some interest in doing that.

Is she a single parent? The transition from being the single parent of dependent children to being the parent of independent children is difficult. For so many years your life if focused on taking care of your children to taking care of no one. Her instincts are still focused on taking care of children.
Some people are just more protective than others. My mom had fits about neighborhood kids riding their bikes to the pool when I was a kid. We lived in a rural area with no sidewalks and cars driving at a higher speed. My mom was positive we would be killed if she allowed us to ride our bikes on the road.
When this woman says something like I'm watching this family... Answer her by saying something like 'I'm sure it's safe... Talk about the fact that your son is hard on his shoes and you are always having to replace them. This way she knows you are aware of the situation and dealing with it. Something like 'Tommy is so hard on his shoes, my next paycheck we're going to replace them again.'
Basically I think this woman needs to find more friends or join a group or get some hobbies. Ask her what she does with her free time. If nothing, suggest some activities. Hopefully she will become so busy she will back off on her surveillance duties.

Explain Love and Logic parenting to her. Let her know that your son is old enough to know what the weather is like outside and when he went out and helped he learned that he needs to check the temp before leaving home so he'll have adequate clothing. If he makes a mistake he always has the option to go back inside or leave.

Let her know he learned that if he doesn't tell mom or dad when his shoes are worn out he ends up with his toes on the outside of his shoes.

One thing I will mention though. I truly do NOT know of any family, rich, poor, middle class, where their children only have 1 pair of shoes to wear. Perhaps you could plan on buying your son a new pair of joggers or loafers or something each month for a few months then he'll have shoes for the rest of the year, maybe. Our grand kids always outgrow their shoes before they're so worn out they have to be thrown in the trash. But they don't wear the same pair day after day after day. How do you ever get them washed and dried fully if they are always on his feet except when he's sleeping?

I would just have some good comebacks for her...."Gee, I hope you don't call CPS on me!" or "Before you question me about his jacket...he forgot his and borrowed one". Or maybe just take the opportunity to call her out..."it seems like you notice faults in people and it makes me feel like you are doing the same with me and my family". When she says, "don't say anything or you didn't hear this from me..." I would cut her off and say, you know, if people are trusting you with their secrets, you really shouldn't share them, it makes me uncomfortable that you will do the same with me". And of course, don't ever tell HER anything or you know she will share it. Your situation is harder because you work together. Something has to give. Either see if you can get a different desk away from her and then only talk "professionally" with her (like change the subject every time she starts to gossip) or start looking for a different tutor for the kids. Or both. Good luck.

I am trying to figure out if you actually report to this woman. Is she your boss in any way? That's really important.

You shouldn't have your boss tutoring or teaching your kids.

If she's not your boss, then you should go to your boss and have a discussion. The discussion should be that you started out having her to your home and tutoring and teaching your kids, but then you started work there and are sitting close to her every day. You have decided that it doesn't work for your family life or your business life to have such cross-over with her, and that you will be telling her that you have decided to no longer have tutoring. Tell the boss that you don't know exactly how this employee will take it, but you suspect that she won't like it, and you are looking for guidance from your boss. Tell him or her that you decided to discuss it with him or her before talking to HR, but that you will be documenting your concerns in case you need to give them to HR. I would think that your boss would appreciate it.

If your boss asks what you would like, ask for a change in seat assignment. One of the men who wouldn't divulge personal information or put up with her shenanigans would be the best person to move beside her, because it will take some of her fire away from her.

If this person IS your boss, then you just need to go straight to HR. Meanwhile, I'd start a log of stuff she says about people, especially when she tells you not to tell. And include the CPS stuff. Hopefully you won't have to use it. But if she starts giving you bad reviews, you will very much need all this stuff in writing so that you can prove that she started downgrading you when you stopped paying her to come to your house and tutor your kids and when you didn't want to listen to her gossiping anymore. Document, document, document. It's really important.

About your son's shoes. My son started breaking his shoes inwards, something awful. I was walking behind him on day and thought, dear heavens, is he going to break his ankles walking like that!!! I took him to a running shop that is owned by a runner. The guy knew his stuff. He told me exactly what was wrong with my son's feet and what shoe would support them. I buy that shoe now, every year. It's called Lunar Glide within Nike Dynamic Support. It has made a huge difference. I urge you to look them up and see if you can find out where you can buy them. Try this. It's more expensive, but it's not going to tear up like what you're talking about.

i think all you have to do is tighten up the boundaries a little, nicely and courteously.

sweetie, if you don't want me to know or repeat something, please don't share it with me. it's none of my business and i don't want to know other people's secrets.

i disagree that this is a matter for CPS, but if you feel it is, feel free to call them. it's really none of my affair.

yes, son is hard on shoes. we're aware.

yup, he was cold. he's a smart feller, i'm betting he doesn't forget his again.

short, cool but courteous, and without a lot of room for turning into a dialogue. it shouldn't take too long for her to get the message and dial it back.

keep politely cutting her off, but don't make a huge deal about it. she's a little clueless, but there are far worse out there.
khairete
S.