Mom Advice

You have gotten such great advice from ladies on all sides of the spectrum.
I won't go into details about my relationship with my mom - suffice it to say "rocky" is probably a generous term. I recently found a couple of books "How to Forgive When You Don't Feel Like It," and "Boundaries" that helped me find the roadmap to peace. It helped to find a way to get out of being manipulated via the "approval denial" thing. That is really a nauseating roller coaster ride and I was so relieved to finally find a way to get off!

you told my life story right there. I now have two children and it only has gotten worse. I just bare down and deal with it but my children seem to respond in negative way towards her. So my guilt about it just add to the mound. I try to stay positive pointing out my moms behavior to her seems to help at least for a short while.
Kelyn w.

H.,

As a mother of three grown children, I can tell you that even though we are mothers, we are also people and because of that we have the very same issues with our children that we have with other people. I was once told by my Mother that, "If you have three dogs and one comes up to you everyday and is happy to see you and wags it's tail and never bites you and brings you happiness, you are going to feel closer to that dog. If the second dog is a wanderer and keep to himself and pretty much doesn't need anything but food and water you respond to that dog differently that the first dog. And if the third dog growls all the time and offers nothing but stress in your life (voids on the floor, chews on things, and bites) you will feel different towards that dog. At that point, I wondered how I had angered my Mom and which dog was I that she was describing.

I am one of seven children. I am sure out of the other siblings there were "better behaved "dogs' than me. Still I found her description some what odd and now as a mother of three I find it disturbing. I never got in trouble, never drank or did drugs, never got pregnant, never got icked out of school and so on. I was a great student and graduated with honors from college, worked from the time I was 14, only dated good boys, and am a great mom now! And for the life of me i don't ever remember pooing on the floor or biting her!

I subscribe to the mothering mantra of "Children Need Loving the Most When They Deserve It The Least" I also now realize that some children need less mothering and in that you may have a different style with that child. If they are more mature at an earlier age you may not hover around them as much as maybe a sickly child or maybe one who lacks maturity skills. I also realize that in my family the favorite child was not as "smart" as the rest of us so my Mother was in her own way following my own parenting mantro.

As a grown woman, I now realize that she was a woman working hard to raise the seven of us and because of her dedicaton to all of us I will forgo any pain that her comments cost and realize she was doing the best she could and did not have the energy or maturity to "KNOW - as you say" each of us and it was easier to love the easier child. We all knew the favorite child and to this day the favorite is the one she truns to most and now she carries the load of taking more care of Mom more for being that favorited child.

Do not let your relationship with your mother keep you from being a great person by bleeding into your self esteem. Realize that when your mother was raising you she was also raising herself and trying to be a married woman. By that I mean sometimes we idealize that life was all happy and wonderful for our parents when they were raising us and most of the time that is not the case. You are seeking approval from your mother and IT MAY NEVER COME. I hate that you are trying to get something from your Mother that is not real to her and she can not give you. Quit wasting you time trying to FIX your MOM! If she wanted a different type of relationship with you she would be trying to rework it with you. She is who she is and that is that.

If you need that motherly type approval from a mothering woman find a GOOD friend and develop that type of relationship with her and let your Mother off the hook. Quit trying to figure out WHAT YOU DID when you were a preteen that you think changed her behavior and love towards you. I aksed my Mother one time why she treated me differently and she said,"You know what you did when you were eight years old?!?! I can not for the LIFE OF ME think of one thing that I DID! I really don't even remember being 8 maybe the second grade? And even if I did do something as a child it is her weakness to hold a grude for 40 years towards something that a "child" did in her childhood. It was after that exchange that I realized i was searching form something that did not exist! So try to remember that your Mother is a real person with real emotional issues of her own and you may never know why her own weaknesses have affecter your relationship with her. I asked my older sister why she thought Mom related to me differently. I was floored when she said 'Yes Mom always has treated you poorly!" I was stunned. I thought it was ll in my own little mind. My sister then offered that when I was born, mom's sister, my aunt, has also been pregnant and that baby died and maybe in some way my Mom felt guilty that I lived and I was a daily remimder of her sister's pain and my Mom's feelings of pain and grief. Wow how heavcy is that for a tiny newborn to have to bear! Again I thought, GROW UP MOM give me a break for God's sake!!!

If you can not get over her issue and grow up yourself, with this issue, then take her to lunch one a month and put in your time and maybe that will make you realize that she is just another woman doing the best she can and you should get off her case and appreciate what she CAN give you, as a Mother. I know that is hard to hear but it is reality. Don't sepnd your life trying to be something that she does not need or want. Put that energy into being a great Mom yourself to your children.

I take great pride in knowing that of all my siblings, my children have shown the greatest success in life issues. My sister, the favorite one, has had so many issues with her children that I am glad she at lease has a strong relationship with Mom that she can go to for solice and peace. So in reality, I now realize that she really did know what was ahead for each of us. I have made peace with Mom and have a relationship that she can handle. I get the "motherly" approval and joy from my girlfriends. THEY KNOW ME as you say.

I hear in your letter your pain that your Mother can not be a grandmother to your children. I too had that same issue. I just wanted to say---I am their Mother you please just be that doting grandmother for them. I am now that doting grandmother and loving it! Time changes all things. Be patient with yourself but stop trying to have your Mother be something she is not! You will be wasting your life and your energy. Good luck and cut her some slack and try to figure out why she still holds such power over you and why you allow her to rent so much space in your brain when you are 29 years old and are wise enough to see reality before you. I wish you the best but I wish each time she entered your brain with questions and feelings of doubt you would immediately turn to your children and love them as you wanted you Mother to love you right then and there. In other words"How well do you KNOW your children? When your children become teenagers your eyes will see this issue with much more clarity.
Keep Mothering,
C.

Hi H.,

I feel like you just described my life and I can empathize. I think you understand a Christian world view so I'll speak from that. My mother finally understood me when we switched roles again - and that was in her late 70's when she needed me to help care for her and my father. She was no longer able to keep things under control to HER satisfaction. And we finally actually enjoyed spending time together. I hope you don’t have to wait that long. I might mention too that my sister was 40 years old before she finally believed that our mother treated me very differently. When I left home at age 17 for college, she was 5 and heard Mother’s perspective of our relationship so much more than mine.
I’m a storyteller so this is the format, but I hope you’ll glean some wisdom. I’ve numbered the points of counsel that you can possibly put into your playbook. Mama died 3 years ago knowing I loved her dearly and I miss her every day. I could wish that things had been different but here I am helping you, I hope, as I have many others from the experience, so that’s why God allowed it in my life.
I made some bad decisions because I had no supportive mother to talk to. I could deal with it much easier when I determined that it was her problem of wanting to control me and make me like her – and I wasn’t. She bragged about my accomplishments to others, but I never got it right from what she told ME. As a child and teen I could never even determine what she was trying to get me to do because we always saw things from totally different perspectives and I couldn’t get into her head. It is HER problem that she can’t let you be YOU, not her, and it goes into every interaction you have, including with your kids. I have a few characteristics like my mother that we shared over the years like reading and researching, organizing other people (me as a counselor and she as an Executive Secretary and helpmate for my father) and (1) I learned to stick to those subjects when we conversed and leave touchy ones alone. When she talked about things that excited her, I sometimes (2) graciously simulated excitement because it didn’t hurt me and that’s what she wanted. We lived a great distance when my children were small so she kept them rarely. (3) I had to keep visits short so one of us wouldn’t blow up. (4) I let her ask to keep them; I never expected and requested. I set up times we could enjoy something together (a book reading, a tea, a show, a flower exhibit) and let someone else keep my kids. We disagreed on every point of discipline so (5) I would take my children out of the room to discipline them (even speak correction or give direction) and explain that in Grandma’s house things are different than at home and we must learn different behaviors sometimes for different situations in life. That was a lesson that helped my children follow “Grandma’s rules” (no matter how strange they seemed to them) and love her and enjoy our time with her. It also helped them in many social situations when specific behavior was called for in grown-up life. When she became dependent on me, we found a loving, trusting, laughing, open relationship that I had always dreamed of. I always had a horrible struggle trying to find a Mother’s Day card that was respectful but true. I didn’t pretend THAT IDEAL MOTHER was mine because she knew and I knew we didn’t have that relationship and (6) I didn’t put things in writing for her to hold over my head - letters were chatty and informative but devoid of those touchy subjects. Some of my friends loved and enjoyed my mother and (7) I didn’t bad-mouth her (except stupid teen talk about parents) because she was a terrific person with a big heart, but my closest friends knew our true distance. I learned later in life that she had many disappointments as she was a dreamer and dreams often don’t come true or bubbles are burst even when they seem to. My father was wounded severely in the war and it changed her life forever from what she “imagined” when he returned. I don’t think she ever put those dreams away and it haunted her for many years. She was a strong Christian and I know she truly loved me with all her heart, but she had a thread of bitterness, which is sin, that she did not recognize and confess, and that pain kept her weak in the relationship area. When she recognized that she could no longer control much of anything, she let it go, asked my forgiveness, and it was beautiful from then on. (8) I tell you to work on the relationship, trust God to use it all to His glory, love her with the Love of Christ, and patiently wait for that day when she grows up in the Lord and recognizes what she’s doing. I was, by no means a perfect daughter. But I did have to do ALL THE WORK in the relationship for many years. I no longer have that pain though and that is a treasured blessing! I hope you can find some way to use my words to help her and your relationship as that mother-daughter bond is a wonderful gift from God.

I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but when I was in high school my parents split and I chose to stay with my dad. And my mother and I never re-connected. ( I truly believe that there is a point in a girls life when she seperates from her mother{emotionaly} and tries to figure who she is, than once that happens moms and daughters re-connect)My seperation from my mom was in high school, and when i graduated I joined the Army, once out of the Army I married and moved to Georgia ( I grew up in California). My mother and I didn't see eye to eye on anything, and there was alot of distance between us.When I had my first daughter she finally came to Ga for a visit and needless to say it was awkward but it was nice to see her again. Once I realized that we needed each other it was too late... she was killed by a car 4 years ago, and I had a ton of guilt on my sholders. It has taken me 4 years to make peace with her sudden death, and it pains me that none of my three girls will never know their Grandmother, so all I can say is don't sweat the small stuff, if she doesn't know or understand you, talk to her, and don't let a day go by without telling her you love her and let your baby get to know his grandma....just rember.. just as fast as you became a mother, she became a grandmother... theres no handbook for that either.

I think I know exactly how you feel. That was how I felt too when my children were small and now they are in their 20s and I think sometimes that it's hard for me to relate to them because if I keep being like a "mom" I come across too critical or condescending but if I try to be a "buddy" I feel like I'm just letting go and saying nothing matters; do what you want, and I'm still afraid they'll do something foolish -- even though they are good children!

Keep spending time with your mom and putting your child around her and they will develop their own relationship outside of what you worry about. Your relationship with her will change as your child gets older and as she gets older, but stick with her; it will go up and down, up and down, but enjoy the ups and try to laugh if you can about the downs. Decide how often you want to get together and then develop a life during the other time and tell her about it even if she acts uninterested. she may not know how to ask about it. Gradually, she will know you better. Good luck!

I read your plight with interest and found even more interesting the responses. It seems everyone has a mother they dont get along with. The mother doesnt know them or understand them. I wonder if occurred to any of these picked on daughters to TRY TO UNDERSTAND THEIR MOTHERS!!!!! Why should a woman who raised a family and did the BEST she knew how have to understand the kid she raised. Of course she is proud when her kid makes choices she would make herself. It validates HER success as a mom. Now that you all have kids of your own you should be more sympathetic towards your own mother instead of whining for her to understand you. Being a mom is a scary job and it never ends. Now this poor woman has to walk softly and change her ways to satisfy you?
DO YOU KNOW WHO YOUR MOTHER IS???? I suggest you figure it out before she is gone and you have to live with regrets.
Sorry if this will offend anyone, but hopefully it will open some eyes.

H.,
I've seen this before and the problem is sometimes deeper than yours at times. It can be compounded if you're the child who did almost everything for mom. From one human being to another, honestly you must find a new way to deal with her. You have to demand respect from her and set boundaries. Do not allow her to belittle you or tell you what you are not. It is perhaps difficult due to your age, but it will save you tons of angst and frustration if you begin it now. These steps are very effective:

1) Make sure you assert yourself, and have things done your way; 2) don't feel beholden for the things she does for your child; 3) if she makes you feel guilty for accepting help, try to get it done another way if you can; 4) if she bosses you around, simply tell her thanks mom but I'm doing it this way; 5) always be a team player with your spouse or your child's non-custodial parent and develop a good support system

6) don't allow her to embarass you or belittle you -- especially in front of your child; 7) try to maintain a sense of decorum, but be firm;
8) your opening could be, "thank you mom" or "I appreciate your help, but", 9) when that doesn't work, you can say, "..please don't talk that way, or I would appreciate it if you're not negative, etc."; 10) don't take things unnecessarily if you can do them/buy them yourself;

It's always nice to welcome mom to your events, but let her know you're doing it - but direct her to where she can assist. However, if she constantly tries to take over, admonishes you in front of guests and in public you must guard against it. Limiting yourself to awkward, uncomfortable moments will free you up to enjoy your 'mommy and me time' with your little one. It can be maddening to have to fit in quality time, when it should come easily, especially without outside interference.

This could be due to a number of factors: a) you are an only child and the sole focus of your mom's attention; b) you've always been the one to help mom out the most and she depends almost exclusively on you; c) you are the baby of the family and always accepted help, even when you didn't need it; d) you live too close to mom and it causes privacy issues or you live with her (perhaps due to economic stressors, b/c it's convenient, or you don't feel comfortable in a residence with just you and your little one); e) your mom has always focused on the children and has no outside interests which makes you (and/or your siblings) her total focus.

You get the picture. The important thing is to re-focus on your child, as the years rack up quickly and you'll miss out on so many joys and wonderful times with these distractions. After they start choosing a college and thinking of majors, you'll understand. LOL I know this was lengthy, but I nearly wrote a book about this same issue a few years ago, but thought no one would be interested because it's so common and often very upsetting. Yet no one wants to talk about it frankly. :-) You can email me anytime about it. I'll be praying for you guys.

Hi H.,

I think the responses that you are getting are quite thought provoking. There are a lot of us in your position. I have spent almost 30 years trying to understand my mother as she is trying to understand me. You are correct in stating that being a new mother has brought on this situation. I was the same. I have now learned that my mother will never be the grandmother that I had hoped she would be. As I have grown older I have relaxed in the matters of her mothering vs. mine. I have learned that her methods came from her family experiences along with the situations occuring in the world. (She was in the Gloria Steinam generation.) I have some of her quirks. But, I must admit that I have created new ones for myself and will pass them on to my girls. That's part of life.

A friend told me once that each generation has a tendency to correct the problems that occurred in our lives by raising our children differently. As a result, we just create new problems. The answer is to do the best you can and love your children for who they are. Know that your parents did the best they could and made their mistakes as you will. Love your family - young and old. You can't fix your mother (as I have tried many times, just accept her for who she is and learn how to deal with each other.

Hi H.,
I went through this with both of my parents. My mom, like your mom was loving and for the most part wonderful. My dad had missed most of my life so he really didn't know me very well. I am 50 years old now and it is sometimes hard when I know they still see me as a very troubled 13 year old kid. My dads mom lives with us as she is very aged and needs care. It is the same with her at times. At 13 I made some mistakes that I wish I didn't, but that was so long ago. I grew up and I have a family and 2 beautiful kids (I started my family later in life, so at 50 I have a 9 year old and a 17 year old). For many years I would go to my husband and cry wondering why my parents were so unaware of who I really was. I knew that the person I was at 13 was long gone. I had become a nurse and was successful professionally and socially. I had a wonderful husband who loves me and was there for me through all of these things. I had become a Christian and was living a very normal life. After living away from home for 20 years, I moved to a city that was 30 miles from my hometown because I knew my grandmother was going to need care. Eight months later she moved in with us. That has been an uphill battle at times, but the good thing is that my parents now know who I am and what I am about. It is no longer something they just hear about. My dad and I are closer than we ever were. My mom is still kind of odd at times, but I have learned that though she is able of taking care of my brothers kids any time, that is not the way it is for me. She doesn't always respect the things that I want for my kids. So I have quite working to care for my kids and my grandmother. It is often very hard financially and I miss my work, but I have more time with my kids and my grandmother is getting to a point that she needs me more too. My dad has learned to respect the knowledge I have as a nurse and that is good too. Sometimes these things take time. It is impossible to know why your mom made the change that she made. Maybe it was something that you don't really know about. For me the best thing that I did was rely on God to see me through all of this. I spent many hours praying and my husband was always there to hold my hand when things got really difficult. Just be who you are and don't let go of that. With time she will learn to respect who you are for who YOU really are and not what she thinks you should be. Take Care

K.

Hi H.,

I hope you don't mind a late response. I don't have this issue with my mom (though we have PLENTY of other challenges!), but I recently realized that this is a problem I have with my grandmother. After years -- my whole lifetime, I guess -- of battling with her, I had an epiphany a couple of months ago after one of our fights almost ruined our daughter's first trip to Disneyworld! (Nothing like seeing something through the eyes of a child!) I feel like her love is conditional, that she only approves of me when I do things the way she would do them (which is very very rarely!), and that she wants everything to be on her terms. I feel like our relationship is very superficial. I'm certainly not the only one in our family who feels this way, but I seem to be the only one who battles with her.

I realized that the reason we fight all the time is my frustration about her not understanding me, not knowing who I am AT ALL. I realized that I've been struggling to make her SEE ME and still love me. I realized that she loves me to the best of her ability, but that her ability is limited. When we got home from our trip I called her up and told her very nicely and very calmly that she doesn't have to worry about having any more arguments with me. I told her, "Gram, I've realized that what I've been fighting for is for you to understand me, and for us to have a different, closer relationship than we have. I've finally realized that it's just not going to happen, because I'm sure you don't even know what I'm asking you for. (She admitted that she didn't.) So, since I'm never going to be able to explain it to you, and you're never going to be able to understand it or understand me, and basically I'm never going to get what I want, there's really nothing good that can come out of me continuing to struggle to get it. All it does is aggravate us both, so I'm done. At least we can have a peaceful relationship." She was a little confused because she doesn't understand the deeper connection I want to have with her, but she was thrilled that I promised no more fighting.

I suppose I could have just had these thoughts without sharing them with her, but for better or worse, that's not really my style.

Since then, there have been so many times that she's said something that would have triggered a reaction from me in the past, but now I just tell myself, "M., she's never going to understand your point of view, she's never going to get you. Let it go." And it's been so much more peaceful! It still makes me sad to think that she'll be gone one day and we will never have really known each other, but at least while she's here we can coexist and cause a lot less stress for each other and the rest of our family. Funny, I feel like by letting her off the hook, I've done myself the favor!

I've actually tried this technique with my husband, on a couple of those issues that keep coming up over and over with no resolution, and my marriage has become more peaceful, too! ;)

Wow! I didn't mean to make this so long, but your situation with your mom seemed so similar to mine with my grandmother that I wanted to share my experience with you and hope it will help.

Best of luck!
M.

I had the same problem with my mother throughout my entire life. Sought counseling after having a lot of problems. Psychiatrist talked to my mother and agreed that she was the source of my problems. Do not let your mother's, lack of show of affection, dominate your life. It is not your fault, she is the one who is going through something. Do not give her the power to make or have your joy and happiness. Continue to love her and respect her, she is your mother, you only get one. For better or for worse.(smile) There will be some mother/daughter moments and some grandmother/ grandchildren moments, just enjoy them when they come. There were also some moments from hell, too. Just be ready, you know what you are working with. My mther is 87 years old, with alzheimers, I take care of her, believe it or not, we get along better now than we ever did. God does have a sense of humor. (smile) Who knew?

Try to put yourself in your mother's place. You have a toddler who will one day leave the nest, who up until that point will rely on your decisions on everything. Where did the information come from that you based your decisions on? Every grandmother is not the same nor are mothers. All of us use what we've got and do the best with it. What type of environment was your mother raised in. If the two of you don't sit down now you will find yourself alienated from her and looking down your nose, because you just happen to be so much wiser. Worst case scenario. She dies tomorrow and you have no more reasons to complain, or anyone to call to talk about the baby to, no babysitter, no one to call Mama. Be nice and kind to her.

H. P, your mother is only doing her best of what was taught to her. What I mean is this behavior has been taught to her through observation during her childhood. She has seen this type of behavior either through her parents or grandparents, etc...We don't realize how intellegent our children are at a very young age. They are very observant of everything we do and it is stored in their memory, and then when they have children they do what they saw as a child. Not knowing whether that was really the best thing for the child. So sit down and listen to your mother about her childhood. Try to understand how she felt as a child. See if she experienced this same behavior with her parents. Then the healing will begin for both of you. We as parents only do what was taught to us through our examples of our parents. Even though we make never vows to ourselves as we're growing up that we won't raise our children like our parents, alittle bit still gets in their because that part of our life's experience was our only teacher. So communication is the key. Buy listening to your mother to see what her needs were during her childhood that were not fulfilled and begin listening to your children to hear what they need and not what you need for them.

I am a mom and I can understand how you feel. Mom's always look at their children as That. Children! It is hard when their child start to mature into their own little personality. Sometimes mom don't want to face the idea that my son or daughter is mature and have their own ideas about life. Even in the story about great men and women you will always see that Mom's were there still in their own way loving and trying to tell you what to do. Have patience with your mom and know for sure she loves you and its in her nature to want to keep you as a child. You will experience some of the same feeling as your children grows up. Hopefully you will look deeper and see all the beauty that God has given your children.

What is your definition of Grandmother? Mom? First define that and then write it down. Then give it to your mom to read and then the 2 of you discuss what role you wish her to play. Possible she can do the same and describe what she wants from you. I'm 51. I've struggled for years as to my place with my daughters. As a mom for so long I had the responsibility to guide them. When they left for college they of course did not want my thoughts because they were creating their own life. I then tried to be a 'bestfriend' but many things I said were 'inappropriate'. They didn't want to hear about me dating, etc. They kept telling me to just be their mom. Well....my mom roll was changing in just as profound way as entering my teenage years. I really didn't know where I belonged anymore. And, the hardest part of going into this phase of my life and finding a new direction for me was deciding what else could be as or more important than my children. I have found, so far, that my role is just as an all supportive person no matter what they choose. It is sad that they do not want my views or thoughts anymore. I do have more wisdom. I understand the long term effects of certain decisions. But, I also have to continue to remind myself that they have to find their own way. They still call me when they need something. Motherhood seems to stay in a constant give mode. It gets old having people you love take from you all the time. Only one so far calls to check on me or invite me to have my nails done with her when she is in town. I really appreciate her taking the time from her life to spend it with me. Have as much patience with your mom as you wish she would give to you. Talk about your roles. Compromise. It's a scary new place out there when your kids don't need you so much.

I am 63, my mom died a yr ago. I was never close to her. We were opposites, like night and day. We took my parents in, and built a 1000 sq ft apartment on our house for them about 5 yrs ago. My dad, who I was very close to, was very sick for the whole year. I did most of his care, as mom couldn't deal with it. I am so grateful now, that I made his last year so much easier. Then mom went into an even deeper depression. Then things seemed to get better, and before she died, we had a pretty good relationship. I realize now, that she couldn't give more, that HER background made her who she turned out to be, and without a lifetime of therapy, there was no way. Just be who you are and try to understand both sides. Take the good, discard the bad. And if nothing works, try to distance yourself and make a good family life for the children and husband you have . I have a very solidrelationship with my children and grands, much better than my mother had, so maybe, you can change the dysfunction.

Another late poster. My daughter is freaking because at 16, the fights are daily and she is worried we will grow to the same type of relationship I don't have with my mother. She forgets that we couldn't know each other any better than we do, which is something I will never have with my mother.

I realized about a year ago when I was working through my mother abandoning me and my three kids when I nearly died and needed help while I recuperated, that she is never going to change and will always be a selfish person.

In reading some of the responses, I think many women of that generation had problems dealing with their daughters, in many cases because they did not think they would measure up once the little girl was a woman. Many were authoritarian parents and control freaks and even in the best of situations, it is difficult transitioning from the child that still needs a parent to the adult that still needs a parent but in a totally different way.

For those of you gals that have huge holes where your mothers should be, particularly when they behave so easily lovingly to your brothers and your brother's children, find other people to mother you. I have recently realized how important it is to do this. Somewhere along the way I suspect I forgot how important this was during my teen and young adult years. I am always taking care of everybody else and we need people that take care of us too. Honey, if your mom doesn't want to babysit because she is incapable of seeing that it is not babysitting for you but spending time with the child, find someone else that would love to have a little one running around.

I couldn't talk to my mom about anything nor did she care to interest herself in my life beyond taking me to a million lessons and resenting my best friend's mother because I actually liked her. Never occurred to her to figure out why and do something differently. She is proud of me when my mother is only when I do something that is right as she skews the world. Consequently at a very young age I sought out adult females that I could talk to about things, share things with.

In some cases, the only way to survive the hurt is to treat mom in your mind the same way you would a stranger. Disappointments are fewer and you can still promote a good relationship with the children. Just like a poor parent, you cannot make someone want to spend time with their grandchildren. My mother sees my children once, maybe twice a year, it is her choice, and only occurs because despite her treatment of me and my kids, I make the 1000 mile trek over the holidays and/or the summer.

You can spend a tremendous amount of time trying to figure out why they are the way they are but in the end, despite having wonderful parents, I have to keep reminding myself that my mother seems a damaged person, incapable of being or doing more than she does. She has never really understood the concept of selfless giving.

For those of you with daughters, concentrate on breaking the cycle, remember to make a fuss when your daughter does something well in a way totally opposite to how you would handle it and point that component out. When your girls are teens and older, remember that it is not always how you get there that is important and that people need to figure things out themselves. Really listen to them and find a way to care about the things they care about. Really talk to them, about all of the things they will make choices about and let them know that they hurt you when they behave in certain ways.

I suspect that as another woman mentioned, my mother was daunted by my fierce independence and if she had let me know that she wanted me to need her, maybe I would have tried harder even when she didn't. Much of the angst for us now is that we still try to please our parents so breaking that cycle is critical in the mother-daughter relationship but also many others including our friends, spouses, and even the children.

My daughter and I figure at the rate we are going, my grandchildren or hers might actually be normal.

I have a mom who I can honestly say I no relatinship with. She isn't just not the grandmother i wish she ws she is really only a grandmotehr in name. We are not close because she is unable to be close to. I was living with her after my parents divorce and at he age of 10 she left me with my father - never picked me up is a better way to put it. From then on I saw her when it suited her, Mother's day. Christmas Eve, My birthday and hers. Through the years i needed a mom the most she was not there. But i ALWAYS acted like we were so close...that was how she raised me to take care of her!
I asked onr thing of her when i had my DD, she offered actually to come and help with my daughter. My husband was in school so had no time off. She stayed fora ay and ahalf, despite my crying while she walke ut the door because she had an appointment to get her car checked. Nothing seriously wrong. I am 5 1/2 months pregnant with #2, So since the in laws worked i asked her if she could commit 5 days to helping out, ( my husband is now a acountant and will be in the heart of busy season) She says she can't with every excuse in the book.
TRuthfully I don't feel I have a mom, i never have, but the last few years I have realized how little i actually have in that area and how much it hurts. I think it would have been better if she had just left and I never knew her after she left me at my dad's.
But i also now like another poster said that this is "all" she can give. I don't blame her, I just wish it had been different. I would have loved to have had a mom who wanted to be close to me. I needed one... but she has never learned to be close to people and i hope, beyond hope that I can be a better mother!

I just wanted to let u know that when I read the title I thought something else.. My husbands gramma is 93 yrs. old and she really has no idea who her children are. everytime anyone visits her we have to tell her who we are over and over again. she calls her oldest daughter, who takes care of her, her mommy. Its such a shame to actually watch my husbands family go thru this over and over again. His gramma doesn't remember anything from the point of living in a elderly apartment and after. but everything b4 that she remembers. Just thought I'd let you know this..
My mom just passed away in March of this yr. She didn't want to take the time to visit me (we lived right next door) and her grandson. when I called her to tell her to come over to eat it was always a battle getting her over here. We didn't go over there cause she smoked like a chimney in her home and had a really mean dog that would attack anyone that came near. When she went into the hospital for her emergency heart bypass's on Feb. 28th I was by her side every moment like she would me. When she passed away on March 27th due to a mess up by the surgeons, I felt like my life went with hers.. I felt like I had nothing left in my life, but I knew that I had to move on (due to my 4 yr. old son). I miss her everyday and will never have anyone to replace her. I still regret letting her go into that surgery w/ knowing more about it, preparing her for it. All I am trying to say is make sure you try to spend as much time with your mom as possible.. get to know her and both of your memories together. make more memories together no matter what it takes. and take lots of pictures of your son and her together. he'll thank you for it in the future and you'll thank yourself once she is gone. you never know if they are going to live to be 32 like my dad, 60 like my mom, or even 93 like my husbands gram. you just never know.. make all the memories you can right now while you have the chance.. my mom was so stubborn it was pathetic and now I wish I wouldn't have been as stubborn back. I now try my hardest to live like she would want me to and not have that stubborness back.. get back into each others lives, no matter what it takes.. have a good day :)

Hi, I think this is pretty common. My Mother and I went through that after my first child was born. Its almost like when you become a Mother you instantly feel changed and want them to think of you as a woman now and not a child anymore. It doesnt happen over night. My Mom and I are great friends now but it took 7 years. (or 30 years....however you want to look at it).
I think that the more comfortable and secure you are with yourself the more it will show her you have changed. Being a new Mom is very intimidating and sometimes you ooooz insecurity and perhaps she picks up on that. With that said, my sister and I are like that. I dont think we will ever understand eachother but Im okay with that. I dont change who I am anymore and I certainly dont change the way I do things when she is around like I used to. She now respects me and asks me for advice on things, which used to never happen. I think we have accepted that we are very different people now. I still try to love her and help her in any way I can even if it isnt fair. She can be very selfish like your Mother but I dont let it stop me from doing kind things for her because that is not who I am. Work on your confidence and love yourself and try to love her anyway. You never know, she may be feeling the same way you are.

I just read all the responses and they broke my heart!

So many daughters angry with their mothers for not living up to the daughters' ideas of how a mother/grandmother should be!

Disapproving of their mothers for not approving of everything the daughters do.

Criticizing their mothers for disagreeing with their daughters' choices.

Resenting their mothers for having opinions the daughters don't share.

Withholding love from mothers whose love isn't 100% unconditional (worshipful).

Blaming mothers for not mothering them, all the while complaining mothers don't respect them as adults.

Accusing mothers of selfishly refusing to submit to their daughters' (selfish) demands.

Showing little or no interest in their mothers' lives (past or present) but convinced that their mothers are the ones blind to all that is important: their daughters' lives.

Feeling entitled to permanent parenting but offended that they remain children in their mothers' eyes and hearts.

And then shocked that these mothers don't enjoy spending time with their adult daughters!

If you think being unloved by your mother hurts, being unloved by a child is 1000 times worse!

Sometimes Grandmother's can not step back and be grandmothers. Many grandmothers take opportunity of your child to correct the mistakes they made by raising you. Sometimes they can be over baring and feel they have to guide you to make the decisions or force you into what they believe is the right decision. The only way I know of to correct such issues it to invite your mother to lunch and discuss these issues. Tell her what you want out of the relationship. That you love and respect her but ultimately you want her to be what you view as a grandmother. And now that your relationship has changed what you want from her as a mother. This discussion can hurt her feelings at first but in the end it will strengthen and re define your relationship.
A. C.

I think this is a universal issue for a variety of reasons. My mother and I were distant for many years, not estranged but just didn't understand one another. I won't go into detail (just too long) but counseling helped me to approach her in a non-confrontational way. I told her that I felt that she loved my brothers more than me, even paid more attention to my sisters-in law than me. She thought for a long time and then said quietly, "I didn't think you needed me". And then it was my turn to think. From the time I was a little girl I can remember saying, very firmly, "I can do it myself". I didn't realize that my insistence on independence (control) was pushing people away including my mother. I was 50 years old before I could look honestly at myself and my responsibility for our relationsip. I also reached a point where I could look at and understand how my mother was raised and how her experiences impacted her relationship with me.

When I had my own children, I vowed that I would not make the same mistakes my mother made and I didn't. I made all new mistakes.

Don't be too hard on your mom (or yourself), as my own mother used to say "she is doing the best she can with what she has (knows)". Isn't that true for all of us?

KD

Another better late, than never...I just had to respond. I've been in a similar situation with my mom since I was very young. And it's so weird that just last week I finally decided that I needed to distance myself from her and not see her for a while. My story is a little different, but the bottom line, you're not alone with your struggle to find balance and understanding with your mom. It's so incredibly hard.

I don't like to make such a general assumption, but I think it's that generation of women/moms. I have a lot of friends who deal with very similar situations. My mom didn't have a lot of control in her life but she always could control me (I was an only child). I think it's difficult for her to let go of that. Ugh, I could go on...there are so many more facets to the situation.

The next step in my plan is to talk to a psychologist. My mom is a closed book - I've tried talking to her so many times and it's pointless...she doesn't trust anyone. I hope talking to a therapist will help me get over trying to change my mom. She is who she is and I want to be able to embrace that. I want to come to terms with the fact that we're never going to have a picture-perfect relationship. I just want to learn to respect her and I hope that will help things fall into place with her respecting me. Take care!

This was all really interesting to read...It made me realize, which I never thought of before,that my Mom isn't the Grandma I always dreamed of for my child because she herself didn't have a 'grandma' to learn it all from. Her parents (my grandparents) came from Europe so Moms grandparents were back there. Guess you do have to step back a little to look at something through someone elses eyes to help you understand. Thanks for bringing this up. Now I won't be so quick to judge my own mother on any lack of Grandparenting. She's doing all she knows how to. Seems like there are always mother daughter issues that all of us are dealing with. Maybe having boys will make it easier for us! LOL
Good Luck!

There is a wonderful book called Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers. Although it's fiction, this book is a true testament to several relationships of generations of women and in its own special way, weaves an understanding between each generation. I highly recommend it - you'll understand why if you have a chance to read it. I promise part of it you'll be shaking your head because you've been there, other parts you'll cry, again because you've been there and you'll smile too, based on the growth and encouragement of the story. Best of luck in working through things. Families aren't always easy but they are always worth it!!! God bless!!!

Hi H. my name is G. i also have the same issue with my mom she has told other members of our family thats she's proud of me but she never tell me im a mother of a very beautiful 4yr old boy who adore's my mother but she will not spend anytime with him i also have a nephew who is 5 months older than my son thats she spends a lot of time with and i don't understand it i wish i could help you with ur issue but im going thru it myself but i hope & pray u and your mom get a better understanding of each other also best wishes with you & your son

Better late then never. I have this issues with MIL, My mom is great, remembers my family on all holiday's and Birthday's. His mom decides whom she is going to like this month, and hates whom ever she choses to hate this month. You simply never know how she is going to be today. She never remembers Birthday's, I know this bothers my spouse alot, because he will call his mom and say do you know who's birthday it is today. Her come back is no I never got an invite. I think how sad that you are in your on little world. She wonders why none of her grandkids like her but she gives them good will clothes that are the wrong sex, wrong sizes, wrong age appropriate, something for a mom or dad. She always kisses you with red lip stick that you can't rub off, yells and screams, and the kids have heard her talk bad of others she has decided to hate this month so they are afraid to make her not like them. I have talked to her the others have talked to her. But it all comes down to (she is who she choses to be, you can't change someone that believes they are great the way they are). So the rest of us just have to live with them and be better then them). So forgive her for hurting you, she really doesn't mean to, She is just that way. You can't change someone that doesn't want to change. But you forgiveing her and excepting this will help you to get over it. Good Luck, J.

I definately struggle with this one and always have. There seems to be a competition occuring that I did not sign up for. While I think she is proud of my life, career and 3 boys, I believe she yearns for her past life as a stay at home mom with 5 children who have all since grown. She actually asked me if I will ever get to be a "full-time mom"! I told her that I wasn't aware that my 24 hour responsibility was "part-time". This is when I see the comparisions of my life to hers present themselves in the context of what is a very diffent time, one that I'm thankful to be in. I just try to be happy with the small doses of pride and her being a grandma that I can get.

Good luck!

Maybe you need to know who your mother is. I have a daughter that is grown with 2 children of her own. I would lay down and die for her........but I also would for her children. They are my life. I am not saying we agree on everything. I know that I will back my daughter on what she decides on her children and if I ask something of them, she will back me. But the main thing in raising children, is let their voices be heard. Take a night to have a meeting. Allow the children to voice their complaints without taking a fit on them. This is something that we did with our daughter from the time the hormones started raging. You know, it sounds like you need to sit down with your mom and tell her how you feel. Let her know that you mean no ill feelings. I think it is a shame that you and your children would have to go through life feeling unloved by your mother when it is really just a misunderstanding. I am very active in my grandchildrens life. I couldn't pick between them and my daughter. I think they are all mine. I get upset over some of the things they all do. But........they know they are my life.

Probably because she does not know who she is. (i am so sorry)

I have the exact same problem with my mom. The best thing that I can tell you to do is to always be proud of your choices (regardless of her reaction) Do everything that you can to maintain a positive image of yourself and your choices (I cannot say this enough) Because a mom like that can emotionally drain you. Her actions are literally "not reasonable". So it's hard to try to talk it out. BUT If you choose to confront the issue, be open and honest about your feelings and keep your expectations realistic. She has her own demons to tame, and it's a lengthy process that may not happen overnight. (personally) I went to counseling to work through my anger/depression and then I started trying to be open to having a healhy relationship with her, but she's literally clueless. As for you, give it a honest try, but do not let it consume you. Just be a good mom to your kid and slowly let the water roll off of your back.

Best to you,
Christina

Welcome to the club I am the second of four (4) girls and my mother never understood me....We had some good times but mainly bad times so I just decided to live my life and let my other 3 sisters take care of her SHe is now 82 not to good in health and I have made my peace that we were not meant to get along or for her to understand me.......My smallest sister understand the one following me was always on my back when I was living in Puerto RIco Now that I am living in Atlanta that monkey is off my back

H.,

I'm wondering if you and I dont have the same mother??? My whole life my mom has loved and praised as long as I did exactly what she wanted me to. It was her way of controlling me. She would "give" me anything in the world as long as things were done her way. Is your mom religous? Mine is, to the point that I can't have a conversation with her that doesn't include her preaching at me. Don't get me wrong I'm a chirstian and I love the Lord but I still need my mother. I have always felt like my mom "put on a show" for others especially her church friends. As long as the picture was pretty on the outside everything was fine. The problem is that all I have ever wanted is for her to accept me faults and all. Recently I have disrupted her whole world. I got divorced and have met a wonderful man. My mom refuses to talk to me about him and wont take the time to get to know him. She's angry with me about the divorce. She thinks that I had no reason to get a divorce b/c my ex didn't beat or cheat on me, who cares if he lied, stole and refused to take care of his family. She tells people that I'm not putting my kids first and that I'm selfish. None of these things are true it's just that things are not being done her way. I know that my mom loves me and wants the best for me it just seems that it's conditional. I can tell you that in the last 10 months or so I have stopped allowing my mother to control my happiness and I am SOOOO much happier. I'm a better mother a better friend and I am able to take my mothers critiscisim without tears. Respect your mother but live your life for your little boy and yourself. Your son deserves a HAPPY mom.

Hi H.. Just give it time. What matters most is that you love her and you know she loves you. She may not know how to love you in the way you require because of her own issues. After all, she lives in the same imperfect world we all do, right? So take the best of her (which is YOU!), receive the love she has to give to your son, and realize you can not change her but only accept her. Hopefully this will help you begin to CHANGE you and the way you love your mother. All the best to all of you!

H.,
I know you have closed this question out, but I just had to share that I have this problem with my MIL. She too wants things her way and if they're not she tries to take control or gets angry. Spouting her opinion to anyone who will listen esp to other family members about how others are doing things wrong. Now with her I'm able to use my husband to knock her down a few pegs, but how I deal with her is when she doesn't like something I've done I tell her this is how I'm going to do this with my child, sorry.

Now I know you probably can't be that blunt with your own mother. My mom is in the opposite direction, she tries to be too involved, to the point of becoming upset if she feels you're trying to "keep" the baby from her. With her I have to tread carefully. We don't connect though, I can't go to her with my problems, she always comes to me. My mom doesn't know me at all. it's hard because you want your child to have a relationship with your mom, but you want it to be a good relationship. What I would do is, drop ideas in her lap like "I have these tickets to the aquarium, I can't go, would you like to take him?" It's a chance to share something together rather than a babysitting situation, maybe you could go with them and enjoy it together. As said in other posts, she may not understand how to be a grandmother, you might have to "teach" her to be the grandmother you're looking for even if it means it will only be a partial "ideal" grandparent. Thanks so much for sharing, it's good to know that we are not alone in situations like this.

Right there with you! My mom's issues have to do with a chronic illness that also unfortunately has effected her personality. Don't know if your mom has been diagnosed with any physical, mental, or behavioral problems. At least knowing this makes me not too take to heart everything my mom says. I also try remembering how she was before she was ill when she was a fun person to be around. I love my mom but have to keep our visits limited/short to not be drained by her comments and behavior. Be your self; you are your own person and your mom must learn to respect that. I'm blessed to have an excellent relationship with my mother-in-law and she is the ultimate Grandma, probably spoiling the kids too much. I have the relationship with my mother-in-law that I should have with my own mom. Also you my try developing a relationship with older neighbors or friends who wouldn't mind being a stand-in grandparents/mom. Today many grandparents leave so far from there grandkids that they don't get the opportunity to do grandparent things. This way both you, the kids, and the neighbors benefit. Hope this is of some help.

Hi, I just read you "What happened" and felt inclined to share. Mine personal experience is a bit opposite. Again, I have a great mom, who does love her children. But growing up I felt my mom was distant from me. I have three younger brothers and when I was a teen I simply concluded that she is just a better parent to boys.

Now I am a parent, expecting my third. And I can't imagine having that sort of relationship with my own children. My mother is a great grandmother, even though she lives in NJ and we are here in Texas, she sends my sons, cards, 'prizes' calls us on the phone etc. But whenever she comes out to visit she always tells me "I am not here to see you, I am here to see the boys" SHe loves spending time with them, but doesn't help at, not someone I can count on. Again, as a parent I can't imagine having that relationship with my own children. My father is great. He calls me his favorite daughter (I'm his only daughter :)) So I guess that makes up for it.

But I do understand not beig able to let go or get past it. It does hurt. I know she loves me... but just because I'm here daughter... not for who I am.

I have been told by good friends to simply let go and forgive. When/if I have a daughter... I will treat her better. (As I understand it my grandmother was the same with my mom- so it is up to me to break the cycle?)

Good luck and send me a message if you send to vent
A.

H.:
As you, your mother and your son participate together in as many activites as possible, then you will each learn more about each other. Be patient and look for opportunities that all of you can be together.
P. S

Hi H.! A little late, but better late than never, right? I wanted to add a few things that the others did not. One is that I try to be the kind of Mother that I wish I had. My child (15 year-old daughter) and I constantly "check-in" with each other to make sure we are both on the right track and, if there are issues, we work together to resolve them. I had a narcissistic step-Mother that left me with all kinds of issues that I have since resolved. I have also come to forgive her and that has brought me a lot of peace. Once I realized that she would never change into the Mother I needed and that I had to move on, I was so much better. I got a lot of love and stimulation from the Mothers of my girlfriends as I grew up and that helped me feel like worthwhile human being. Best of luck. I'm sure you are a wonderful person and you deserve the best. D.

I have no advice for you on this one I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain!! You sound alot like me and my situation if you get any advice please pass it along Im desperate as we also work together part time