I Need IDEAS ! - Murfreesboro,TN

It sounds to me like your mom does all of this because she knows you can take care of yourself and your sister is obviously a loser. I bet she feels obligated to help her because there is something inside her that blames herself for your sister turning out badly. I would even guess she feels like her kids need extra love because they don't get it from their mom. I would almost guarantee she thinks it is all her fault. I would talk to her. Mother's guilt can be powerful but I suppose you already know this.

Please get counseling to help learn: you can't change other people. You can only change how you think and feel. There are very effective ways to think differently about your mother. Acceptance is the key. Accept that she probably will never change, but you can change how her behaviors makes you feel. Focus on where you are appreciated and loved. We all want our parent's love and approval, but sadly we don't always get it. Counseling will teach you how to cope and move past your mother's poor choices.

C.
Christian Counselor

It is amazing to me that there are women who are so blind to the impact of their own actions. In your mother's case, she may think that your alcohol dependent sister NEEDS her, and you and your other sister are just fine and dandy. She doesn't recognize (or doesn't care TO ASKNOWLEDGE) that she is enableing, and thereby crippling the very person she thinks she is being loving to. I was raised by a mother with a similar slant on parenting--only it was my little brother who was (and remains) the one who has her sympathy. At some point, I realized that it was never going to change, and that fretting over it was only making ME resentful and angry. It is particularly sad that your mother throws religious material your way, because it makes that source very unattractive. However, for myself, the only peace I have found regarding my parents is forgiveness. For a long time, I held on to the notion that I'd forgive them when they asked for it--but that did me no good, and who am I to think I can hold the position that is for God alone. So I forgave my mother for all the pain and neglect. Incredibly, she has warmed up to me and my sister (who also practiced forgiveness)over the years. I am 60 and my mother is 85--I am sad, but not tormented over her behavior. As for your children, I would suggest nurturing relationships with older people in your life that could be a good influence on the kids. There are so many grandparent-aged people who live too far away from their own grands, and would love to be surrogates to your precious children. You'll be in my prayers. D.

M. - please don't take this the wrong way; but you may want to look into getting some help for YOU. I say this only so that you can become strong enough to walk away from your mother. Her actions are hurting you and your children and you and your children should not have to endure this. I have a father who was/is emotionally and mentally abusive. During my parent's divorce in the 90's, he was very manipulative as well. He favored those children who would do for him and I happened to be one of them for a while. He would do for me as long as I did for him but my situation was nothing like your sisters. Finally, about 10 years ago, I told him to stop calling me. I haven't spoken to him since 2001 and he is now sending me cards to, I guess, try and make up for lost time. My situation is very different from yours, but I guess my advice to you is the same; stop getting yourself upset by what she does for someone who has no interest in helping herself and stop allowing yourself to be treated the way you are being treated. You are going to have to be the one to ends it and you are going to have to be the one who finds the strength to do so. Keep in mind that your children will repeat the cycle with her as long as you allow it to go on. IT will be hard because you love her, but do what's right for you and I would let her know to stop sending you the emails she is that if she wants to send you something hopeful and cheery, so be it but anymore emails in the form of something as before, you will block her email address or change yours. Good luck!

M.,
I really feel for you and the pain you are going through. I too have a mother that prefers one of my siblings, though not to the same extent as yours. Unfortunately, while there are plenty of resources out there that you could send your mother, it wouldn't work. She doesn't think she has, or is, doing anything wrong. The best advice I can give is to recommend reading and/or counseling for you so you can find success and happiness despite your mother. (Sounds like you have made a great start already.) While it is frustrating and disappointing that your mom is the way she is, you need to find a way to set boundaries and find peace that are not dependent on her. I can recommend Dr. Harriet Lerner's works: Dance of Anger, Mother Daughter Dance, etc. Working with a therapist can make the work easier as well as provide you support in the process. Your priority and loyalty are to your family now and counseling can help release the hold your moher has on you so you can put the focus where you want. You are a survivor and can do this. When you can find peace in yourself and your abilities, you will be able to let your mother go.
Good luck,
L. D.

Bad Childhood, Good Life, by Laura Schlessinger.

HI M.!
I've heard this story before, from my brother. I guess I'm responding to your letter, maybe so you could see your sister's side. My brother often complains that my mom ONLY cares about me and my children, not him & his. My mother was there for me & my children more. Yes, she was. And when My brother needed money and help, she said no to him. I felt bad that my mother took partial to me over him. But there's more to it. And perhaps you dont even know it. I went thru hell at one time in my life. I was a single mom at a very young age and went thru many abusive relationships where drugs and alcohol was involved. I asked my mom to help me protect my son from all the negative drama in my life because I was growing up in a pattern that my mother had put my brother & I thru. I didnt want my son to see this. My mother never paid for my drug/alcohol problem. But she did make sure my son had food, clothes and a roof over his head with heat. My son never suffered. I have now over come my problems. And happily married, with 3 daughters. Have a college education, and a great job, and a house I bought by myself (prior to marriage). I am now also a proud Army mother, becuz my son is serving our country. I am also paying back my mother for everything she's done for me. My mother is also suffering severe deppression and thinks NO One cares for her! I get the same complaints that my brother hears. My mother didnt help my brother at all becuz he was the "smart" one. as I was the "social" one. My brother did everything by himself, he didnt need the help. He's a successful man. Or that's what my mother would say. He doesnt even know how it sucked the whole time I was getting help, I had to hear about "how GREAT my brother was. Why I couldnt be like him? He could do all of this on his own, he was such a great kid, never a problem child". All along i was being compaired to HIM. She would also tell me that when she gets old and unable to care for heself she was gonna move in with me and make my life hell to pay back for all the times I put her thru hell... I'm wondering if your sister has to hear all this too? I'm sure there's more to it than you know. Being jealous isnt gonna help. Since my brother doesnt talk to me either, and how I wish he would, because I love him so dearly. He thinks I'm trash. Even though I've overcome my "problems" 15 years ago. I would love it if my brother would LOVE and EXCEPT me. A relationship with my brother means more to me than my mother. Trust me. When you complain about your mother, guaranteed, your sister is complaining too.

you are only adding to the dysfunction of your family by continually falling into your mother's trap. i'm sorry that she treats you are kids so poorly, but after all this time, i seriuosly doubt it will ever change. you will be wasting your time and energy trying to send her anything because if hse even takes the time to read it, it will probably go in ear and the other so to speak. you just need to tell her " mom i love you, but for the sake of sanity and the for the sake of family, i can't have any more contact with you. it's too painful for me but to be treated like an outsider in my own family." and then do it. no more contact...no calls, no visits, no emails. she is manipulating you by sending you those things because she knows it pulls you back into her. your life will be much happier if you just accept your mother for who she is, forgive her for all the wrong she has done to you, and then move with your life...easier said than done, i know. sometimes talking to a counselor can help.

Hi M.,
It sounds like you really have two problems here- your sister's drinking problem, and your mom's enabling.
I would suggest writing your mom a letter- not a typed up email or pamphlets. Write it in your own handwriting, and say everything you just said here. You will feel much better with it off your chest, and you mom will hopefully wake up to the fact that she has been pushing her other children aside. You are obviously very hurt and angry and she needs to know this. As a parent yourself, you know we moms are not perfect. She may be so distracted by your sister that she doesn't realize what she is doing. Since you are the "good" child, she doesn't have to worry about you as much- which isn't fair, but is how it works a lot of the time. Just like in school- the kids that misbehave get more of the teacher's attention than the good kids.
Having an alcoholic is tough on a family. As a mom myself, I can't imagine the pain and worry that is associated with knowing that your child is suffering so much because of an addiction. However, at some point your sister needs to be held accountable for her actions. It's called tough love. Your mom probably feels a huge amount of guilt about your sister's drinking problem. This guilt turns into enabling. Write to her, and then let her approach you about it. If she doesn't, fine, but at least she knows how you feel. I hope things work out for you, and that your sister gets the help she needs.

You answered your own question. You have a wonderful husband and child. Why do you need to put yourselft thru trying to be "the one" your mother loves. You will never make her understand and the sister will never see anything wrong with what she is doing.
Take care of your family and let your mother go until she decides she needs you in her life. Block her emails if they bother you that much.
Tough love really works. You just have to give it a chance.

Your mother is an enabler, and your sister and her kids are actually suffering, although it doesn't appear to be so now. There is a book called "Boundaries" that I would recommend you getting and reading and perhaps passing on to your mother. But be prepared for nothing to help, so you won't be disappointed. Hopefully, your mother will come to her senses in time for your sister to remedy some part of her life, and before the children are permanently damaged.

M. I feal your pain my mom adopted me out at about 5 yrs old she chose her 2nd husband over me and I have a 1/2 sister that she spoiled.same situation if my sister or her kids wanted somthing they would get it but I tryed to barrow 10.00 to get gas for a drs appointment she said she didnt have it then befor I left she gave my sister 20.00 because she wanted pizza for her family.I had to just deal with it and it was hard so I went over to moms for thanksgiving,christmas,easter,& 4th of july.other then that I'd call about once a month and for my sanity I just keep my distance.mom died in 1992 and I bought her head stone.we were never close and she told me she thought I hated her but I loved her but knew I couldnt compeat so why try.do what makes you comfortable so your not always the one hurt thats what I had to do.but thats up to you.

There is a similar situation (or was, rather) with my mom and her brother... My mom was actually taking care of my grandmother, while the younger brother who lived closer to her, rarely came by to even visit UNLESS, he needed $, or wanted to pawn the kids off or anything that was all about him. My grandmother treated my mom horribly for years, yet she still stayed right by her side, no matter what-- it really took an emotional toll on my mom...
Overall, I realized that ultimately, my grandmother pretty much raised my uncle to be the drunken, spoiled, never have to work for anything guy that he was, therefore, she ALWAYS felt needed. My uncle actually assaulted my mom one night b/c my mom got up in his face and said, "I don't care if its new year's eve, mom got out of the hospital TODAY w/ pneumonia and you're not leaving your 10 yo son here overnight with a sick woman." my grandmother took my uncle's side, even though my mom had to go to the hospital for the injury to her arm b/c of his angry outburst.
My grandmother was also described as, "someone who was only capable of loving one person at a time." my mom tried to have several "heart-to-hearts" with her, but, sadly she was the way she was until the day she died... I hope you can get somewhere by just talking to her, it sounds like your sister may have got her manipulation skills from mom; just like my uncle got from his mom...
BTW, after the funeral, in the same hour, my uncle started mentally sorting through all the things he wanted from his mother's house... your sister will take and take until there's nothing more to take, her mother raised her to be that way. sorry.

Hi M.
A pat on the back for you for getting out of an abusive relationship. Not many can do what you did. That takes a very strong person, I would imagine. As for your mom - well, that's very tough. Especially since it has been going on for a long time. Maybe, your mom pays such close attention to your evil sister because she cares about her kids. Not that she doesn't care about you and your family, your older sister/family, and evil sister, but if she knows that your evil sister's kids are not being cared for properly then she may feel like she needs to pay them the attention. Just a guess though, I'm only going off of what you posted and I'm sure the story does deepen. Your mom probably feels, but doesn't show it because she's so exhausted and robbed of time and money, that you/family and your older sister/family can take care of yourselves and she may feel her place should be with evil sister. Not that it makes what you need from your mom any more or less a priority. I'm sorry that your mother doesn't give you/family what you deserve, love and attention.
Could you and your sister talk to the evil sister? This may be hard given her alcoholism. It may need to happen that your mom would have to put her foot down and keep it down even if it means risking her grandchildren (from evil sister). Alcoholics will eventually give in because they aren't getting what they want. The factor seems to be timing and unfortunately putting innocent grandchildren in the middle. Is she an unfit mother (evil sister)? Should the kids father need to step in?
Good luck to you. I know this won't get solved overnight. My prayers are with you/family.
P.

I have a few things to say.
First I am sorry that so many people feel that they have the right to call your family members names. It is not our place to judge, even if you feel that way, we do not know them personaly and therefore have no place calling them anything.
Next as for books there is a book called "Walking on Eggshells", I am not sure of the author, butt helped me a lot.
You may also want to think about getting somebody to talk to. I do not know how you fell about therapists. There are so many different kinds of people that are out there. It is very calming to know that you can walk into a room and just explode. You don't need to hold anything back, or edit anything. I know your husband is wonderful, but you still edit when you talk to him. It is human nature. Therapy gives you a place that you can speak your mind, because you are paying this person to listen to you. They do not have anybody's interests to worry about, but yours.
I have been in your position. My mom did everything for my sister, and I'm the younger one. It was hard. I found that the best way to get by was with my councilor, (I think she was actually a licensed Social Worker)and surrounding myself with people who loved me. I know somebody said just get over it. It is not that easy, she is your mom and there is no bond like that no matter what she may do.
As a light at the end of the tunnel. I will tell you that my relationship with my mom has gotten so much better in the last few years. It was like she saw me getting healthier and it turned on a lightbulb in her brain. It took quite some time and we still have our moments, but it was worth it.
Just to let you know I have 3 girls 3, 8, & 11. My mom didn't even get to see my youngest until she was a month old. Now they all love her very much and have a better relationship with her.
I hope that this was at least some help.

You couldn't of been married to the devil - I WAS! LOL I can relate to that and how we both are older mothers and married to the love of our lives now. Isn't it wonderful. God blesses his children. My only "words or help" would be to love your children and try hard NOT to let this effect them in anyway. Don't talk about your mom, their grandmother, negatively in front of them. That won't help her or them! Just continue to be happy in your new marriage and with your new precious baby and continue to pour love and support on all your children. It will all work out!!!

You cannot change your mother. Get yourself into counselling and learn how to help yourself.

You only have one Mother. You need to forgive her for the things shes done. I think its wrong for your Mother to treat you the way she is. You also need to forgive your sister. She has an addiction to alcohol. Its a disease like any other. Your Mother and sister has to want to change. There is nothing you can do to change them.

As to your feelings, I can understand them. I was the outsider in my family but for different reasons. I recently lost my mother. Things between us were better than when I was growing up.

You can keep obsessing over the way things are or you can decide to forgive her and let it go. I know easier said then done.

This is what I would do. I would write to her. Tell her exactly how I feel. Then I would tell here that this is the way things are going to be.

Until such time that you can treat me like I am your daughter and that my children are your grand children,
there will be no further contact with you. I am not doing this to hurt you but for my own piece of mind. Let her know that you love her and will always be there for her but that you will no longer tolerate her behavior towards you and your family. Let her know also that you love your sister.

Then stop all contact with her. But let her know that when she is ready to except you as part of the family that you are willing to work on repairing your relationship with her as her daughter. To contact you only then. Stay strong and don't have any contact with her. In the letter let her know that its not her money you want or need that it's you want to feel like you belong in her family and want her to love you and your family.

Take care of you and your family. Keep praying and let God handle it. God answers prayers, maybe not as soon as we would like or in the way we like.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

Let the past go and look to the future. Make a good life for your children and be a better role model for them than you Mother was for you. Good luck. God Bless you all.

It is great that you have realized the problems and try to stay away from it. If your Mom just sends the emails, could you just delete them? Your Mom probably does not see that she is treating you unfairly. My parents sort of do the same thing. They help my brother with his house while he won't work a regular job. He only wants a fast cash job with no boss, or a position that he does not have a boss over his head the whole time. When I try to say anything about my brother getting a job or doing something with his life I get the "poor brother" line, the one about how he has had problems in the past, drugs, drinking etc... and he just can't handle the stress of working. My husband and I think its a bunch of BS but that won't change my parents feelings. My parents will do stuff for my kids and enjoy spending time with them especially since we moved out of state. My husbands grandmother had the same type of issue that her son was taking almost all of her SS check and leaving her with only enough to pay her rent and get about $50 for groceries for the entire month. She was actually starving herself so she could give more to her son. She ended up moving in with us when she was 98y/o and stayed with us until she died. Once she realized that we did not want her money only enough for her to pay for her medications she started to realize that her son was taking the money. He had all of her banking sent to his house so she did not realize that he was spending all of her money. At first she said she had to help him because he had a head injury in the service and he was not right since. It turned out that his head injury was because he was so drunk that he tried to stand on a bar and dive onto the floor then returned to the base and started to beat up on his Commanding Officer. Needless to say he was dishonorably discharged. Of course he did not tell his mother this and just said that because of his head injury he was asked to leave. If your Mom is the same she may never see the situation for what it really is. Start by praying for her to see the truth in the situation and for your sister to help herself by giving up the drinking. In the mean time look for some books on disfunctional families, read them first yourself and then tell your Mom how much you enjoyed this book and maybe something that you learned while reading this book. Remember you can only lead a horse to the watering hole you cannot force them to drink. God Bless and Good Luck.

I have a similar situation with my mother, not exact, but similar feelings about her at this time in my life. You stated the solution yourself: I try to leave my mother alone and not write to her or call her because it is healthier for me and my family without knowing anything about her. Let all of this GO!! Just let it go... it will be a process but you can do it. Keep your constant focus on how much you love your life now and reduce any negative influences. Limit exposure to her. Be kind, cordial and easy to get along when you have to, but just because she's your mother does not mean you have to infect your life with how she's treated you and her guilt (and the God stuff is a guilt trip, my mom's a pro). Just refuse to listen and cut it short if she calls and puts something on you. She focuses on your sister because your sister demands the highest and most critical need, it makes your mom feel more needed with the big crises opposed to just loving and being. Divorce this situation for awhile and see how your life will get better. When your expectations go down, you won't believe how freed you'll feel. If you don't expect it, you can't be disappointed. You cannot change her and how she is with your sister, so stop trying and enjoy your life without her unless she can act like a mom and grandmother. She will get the point when she sees that you won't tolerate her unless she is on her best behavior. I went from talking to my mom once every couple of days to once a month, and even though we're not as close anymore, taking away that negativity so often helped greatly and now when she calls she's actually nice and not in critical mode (because she knows I won't tolerate it anymore). I know you feel bad because your kids aren't taking full advantage of having a loving grandparent, but let that go too, the only person that can do that is her, and if she won't, make up for it by making yourself feel better and reducing all of that negativity for your kids. Good luck!

One of your responses hit the nail on the head. Its not what you've done but what your mother has done. As parents we can really cause our children a lot of grief. I have to agree that you will never change her. She either enables your sister because she feels guilty and responsible for her actions and/or she likes the thought she is needed. The best thing you can do is maintain a cordial relationship (for you not her) and don't expect her to change. Commit yourself to not repeat her behavior, because without conscience effort we all become what we know. My sister and I have been battling becoming our mom, our whole lives, and I'm thankful we help each other. Focus on your family and develop a turtle shell with your mom and sister. They are still your family, but you have to live for your husband and child. Every time she sends you a God email, say a thankful prayer and ask Him to help your mom, then move on. You can't change her, but maybe He can.

Your mother obviously "helps" your sister out more than you or your other sister because she feels your sister NEEDS her. The more your mom helps her out, the more dependent she will be on her. I know that...YOU know that....Your other sister knows that.....but mom doesn't because she feels needed this way. It's a weird situation; your mom is enabling your sister. I suggest you sit down and write your true feelings down (without being judgemental - and, it WILL be difficult)and mail it to your mom. Maybe your other sister could do this, too..and you could mail them at the same time. She HAS to open her eyes and realize she has other beautiful grandchildren and daughters who live a normal life!! SHE SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOU!! I will pray for you; please let us know what happens.

M., it sounds like your mom needs to learn about tough love. She is being co-dependant. I wouldn't assume she loves your sister better than you, it's just that she sees your sister as needing her more than you do. What she doesn't realize is that her "help" is enabling her to continue her behavior, so she has no incentive to clean up her act. I don't know specific books or authors, but I know they exist. Just look up "Tough Love" I'm sure you will find some good info on it. And, it might help you to be more patient with your mom if you read the story of the prodigal son, it doesn't look like fair treatment at first glance, but there is a lesson to be learned there. Also if you read up on co-dependancy, you will be able to understand and help your mom to change her behavior. Once she changes her tactics toward your sister, she will be able to put more energy into her relationship with you and your family.

Ok, I haven't read the other advice, but I say this: get over it. I'm sorry your mom doesn't treat you in a way that you see as fair, but face it, life isn't fair. All you can do is tend to your OWN children and to the people in your life who make it fun and happy, not the ones who make you mad and stressed out. Seriously, life's too short to be angry. You're an adult. Get over the jealousy you have of your sister and MOVE ON.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's mistreatment of you. I can definitely relate, although things have finally gotten MUCH better in my relationship with my mom - after lots of work and prayer (and distance and personal healing!). So glad that you are so happily married and have wonderful children.

I don't have a book suggestion for your mother, but I do have one for you. It's called "Bold Love" by Dr. Allender and Dr. Longman. It is SO helpful in figuring out how to deal with difficult people. Basically it teaches on principles and practical advice on "loving an evil person", "loving a fool", and "loving a normal sinner." When trying to love and relate to someone who is so hurtful to you, it's best to do two things - 1) protect yourself by setting good boundaries, and 2) find "redemptive" opportunities for your relationship. You'll have to read the book to get good practical ideas and understanding of how that works.

It sounds like your mother is very dysfunctional. It's important that you try not to take her hurtful actions "personally." I know that's so difficult because it's your mother, afterall. But she is the one incapable of truly loving and that's her challenge, not yours. I would guess that she lavishes material goods on your sister either because 1) she feels guilty for how your sister has "turned out" and so gives her money to assuage her guilt, or 2) She is able to feel superior, or at least "adequate" around your sister because of her obvious failings, so she is happy to give to her (ie., she might feel inferior to you and your older sister so she prefers to not be around you all. Perhaps watching you raise your children makes her feel guilty about how she raised you). Those are just two guesses, and I'm sure there are many other possibilities. I'm just trying to point out to you that it is HER issues, not you that are the problem. The best that you can do is be a loving and healthy person, and it sounds like you are - and get your needs for love and nurturing met elsewhere. During the years that my relationship with my own mother was so bad, I had the great blessing of having other women in my life that were really like mothers to me. I am forever grateful for them. There are people like that out there and I hope you can find one (or more). Chruches are generally a good place to find people like that. Keep yourself healthy and loving for your family and for yourself, and once you are on steady ground, you can find ways to reach out to your mother that will hopefully help her to heal and grow as well.

I hope this helps. God bless you and heal you!

You need to contact Al-Anon. Not for your mother, but for yourself. Al-Anon is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. Their website is www.al-anon.alateen.org. They work on the principle of anonymity, if you are concerned about others finding out. You cannot change your mother until she comes to terms with herself and your sister's alcoholism. You need some support and guidance in how you can deal with this situation. Maybe once you go, you can get your mother to go with you.

Look on the site. You need to get yourself some support.

your story breaks my heart. My mother went through a similar, yet smaller situation. My younger sister is also a mooch and refuses to be responsible and do what she needs to do. Not quite as much as your sister.

She alsohas two children and they are all living with my parents. Whereas my parents aren't partial to her over me and my other sister and certainly not to the grandchildren, my mom deals with the worry and guilt of possibly letting my sister run her own life. Mom is scared that the children will suffer and feels that if she doesn't provide the toys, clothes etc, they won't have thme (and they won't)

Now, my sister does love her children but i don't feel it's enough to really take care of them 24/7 and put their needs ahead ofher own. she is pretty selfish.

I know that this situation isn't comperable to yours int he least. Maybe your mom feels guilty? I'm just spitballing. Of course that's no reason to shut you and your children out.

I guess I have nothing constructive to say other than I'm sorry for your situation and I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope that things get better for you and that God shows you a way to deal.

Hi M.

I feel for you girl! Your Mom has no idea that she is enabling your sisters behavior. She feels she is helping her and is obligated to her. Your sister is very selfish to put this on your mom.

I was in an enabling relationship and I realized what a selfish person he was. I left the verbally abusive relationship knowing that I could not help him. As of today he is still drinking.

I hope your Mom realizes this and stops enabling her behavior. They call it tough love but sometimes it is the only thing that trully works. Hang in there sweety! You enjoy your beautiful family and take care of you!

No recommendations for your mother(I don't think you will change her with a book), but a couple for you. I think that you can change the pain that your relationship with your mother brings to you. The Power of Now, A New Earth (both by Eckart Tolle--not sure of spelling on his name) and Loving What Is (by Byron Katie). The Power of Now was especially helpful in bringing peace to my life within this dysfunctional world. Wishing you peace.

Hi M., I don't have any recomendations for reading material for your mother. She probably wouldn't read it anyway. I can tell you though that you can change how you react to your mother. I doubt the she is going to change at this late date. So, you should work on how you react to her. Good luck and God bless.
pat

Dear M.,

Many people have this issue in many different ways: maybe your boss likes your colleague more or your grandmother likes you brother more. It is life. Your mother will not change. You have to change, and one of the healthiest is to accept that change is not going to happen, and that you must focus on your life and your family. Really - does it matter that much to your children that your Mom paid for your sister's attorney? No. They want their Mom and Dad's love and attention. Let go of the bitterness. It isn't fair, but as an adult you must accept that.

As for your Mother emailing you. Tell her you cannot accept that many emails. Or block her's. Obviously she is not sending personal emails. Tell her you would be happy to receive personal emails only (I did this with my Grandmother and it worked. No more forwards!).

Also, find a therapist or see your priest or pastor. You have a lifetime of emotions still tied up in this that must be reconciled. Remember, only you can expect you to change. No one else will change.

I wish you the best!

God Bless you.

S.

Hi M.!
I didn't read all of the responses...but a great book for both of you to read-you first-is called "Boundries" by Henry Townsend. I think that's the author. Check on Amazon, or wal-mart, or the christian book store. It's a great book and will teach you how to deal with your mom. There's no greater advice than the kind you learn yourself.
Be Blessed!

M.,
My prayers are with you. You have so much hurt & anger, which you are completely entitled to, but you have to forgive her (and your sister)... without them asking for it. I did a bible study on forgiveness and learned that sometimes, some people you will have to forgive over & over again. Not easy to do but it will give you peace with yourself. Do you have somebody in the church you can speak to that can help you through this or even just a strong Christian influence? I'm Methodist and we have "Stephen Ministers" that can help counsel you and pray with you. If it were me, I would seek help in dealing with this. You can't change them, only yourself. I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice for them but God will guide you through this. Where He guides, He provides!!! Many blessing through this journey!
H.

M.,
You mentioned that your sister has a drinking problem and kids also. Maybe part of what you interpret as favoring is just your Mom's way of making sure those kids have what they need in light of your sister's issues. Sounds like she has her hands full supporting and raising your sisters children. She most likely knows that you are self-sufficient enough for her not to worry about having to give you hand outs. As for the house, don't you think it is better that the children have a roof over their heads than to end up who knows where, without your mom to see that they are taken care of. Regardless of your feelings of resentment towards your sister, your nieces or nephews aren't to blame for her actions. Aren't you glad to know that the kids are looked after, and fed, and in school? Also, don't you imagine that her resources are pretty depleted from providing all the things that you listed for your sister's family, not to mention supporting herself. It couldn't be easy to be in your position either because I know you want attention for you and your kids too, that's only natural. I just wonder if maybe you should try to empathize with her a little. She probably spends so much time and energy, and money worrying about your sister's addiction and those poor kids, that she just doesn't have much left to give. I bet she has much more regard for you than you know, she did give birth to you and raise you, and you turned out okay, right? You should try to find a way to forgive and let go so that you can heal your relationship. Find some common ground to open up communication with her. Sometimes when people are wrapped up in something, especially loved ones with addictions, it is easy to neglect other things. I bet she needs someone to talk to just as much as you do, why not let it be each other? Despite your differences, try to be the bigger person and offer her ear and shoulder to cry on. I lost my mother when I was young, and I wish I could have just one day to sit with her and talk and just be near her. Don't take your family for granted. Grudges and bad feelings will never help you or make you feel better. Only forgiveness can.

Hi M.,
I am so sorry for the unfair treatment you and your children are receiving. I don't have any books to recommend. I just wanted to say that you are not going to be able to change your mom. You can only control yourself and your own attitudes and no one elses. So to be able to change the situation, you can only change yourself/your response. (I am not saying that you are wrong at all about how you feel because the way you are being treated is not right.) My suggestion is that you confess to God (I gathered from your profile that you are a believer) how your mom has hurt you and forgive her. Don't let it hold on to you or ruin any part of your life. Forgive her and go on with your life. Love your mom with what you have to give and because you want to. Although you would hope that you could have love and kindness from your own mom, your history with her shows that you are not going to get that - that well is dry! So don't expect to get a different response. Don't allow someone else to steal the joy in your life. You can tell your mom honestly how you feel, but don't expect any changes because of it.

I wish you well and may God bless you!
Cyndi

Hello,
I can totally relate to how you are feeling about your mom. I had a similar sitution with my dad. Except the one he did everything for was my step-sister not even his own child. So I definately understand.. This situation drew a wedge between not only my step-sister and I (Whom I had wanted to be like for so long just to get the attention back on me.) But also my dad and me. I always felt like I was less of a person around them like I wasn't good enough... Unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it so I opted to just stay away from the whole situation for many years. The only contact I had with my dad during that time was when he called me needing something or some kind of help from me. Just so you know I have 2 girls ages 8 and 3. My 8 year old has only seen my dad less than 7 times her whole life. The 3 year old is afraid of him. It has been a hard road. I will say that last year the day before Thanksgiving I finally did tell my dad how I feel about how he had wronged me my whole life. It took my cousin pushing me and sitting right beside me to do it. It was the such a burden lifted off of my shoulders. I think you should tell your mom how you feel. Maybe she doesn't realize that she is doing it. My dad sure didn't. I think he was completely blindsided by the whole thing. I kept telling myself for such a long time that I must have done something wrong for this to happen. Well it took a long time for me to realize that it wasn't me. I was better than that. I deserve respect and I will demand it from now on. I hope this has helped you in some way. Good Luck, I know this is a hard road to be on. God will guide you through this. Just pray about it and make the decision that is right for you... Don't wait 28 years (like I did) before you resolve this in some way for yourself. Even if that means removing them from your life. It is not fair to you or your kids to have to go through the emotional pain... T. H

Dear M. T

I can see you want your Mother's love so very much. That is so sad. Picking favorite should not be in a family. My Mom had seven of us and I the oldest. I ask one day a long time ago. Mom how can you love all of us. She turn to me and look me right in the face. She said she can because each one of us has a special gift. She love each one differently. We all get along and we take care of Mom in our own way.
Maybe your Mom needs to be shown or told that you and your Sister love her in a different way.
Your Dear Sister needs to see the light. The bottle is not the answer. I know I was there a long time ago. It makes one so self center. I hope things get better for you. Time will tell. Just be there for your Mom. And give what love you can to her. And God's wonderful love.

Have a good day Today

Vicki W.

You can block her out. Delete those emails, keep the conversations that you have to have with her to a minimum and cut short. She is not going to change and she is making you feel bad, so focus on your life, and just remember, in the end YOU have done right by your husband and child and that's what really matters. My mom used to be the good grandma til she left my dad and married my best friends dad and now they just want to be left alone, until my cousin needs her to babysit, then she is there. This hurt me and made me bitter for a long time. But now I take pride in the fact that I don't need her to help me, I can do it on my own or find someone else to help. I still talk to her and we get along ok, but I know never to ask for help unless it is an emergency, I know that is not the same as your situation, but try to focus on how much better off you are than your sister and take pride in that.
A.

M., there was another VERY similar query to yours on here several weeks (maybe a few months) ago. Maybe you can get into 'archives' and read those responses (I'm not sure . . .)

Would you REALLY like to be your younger sister? She is being abused simply by the co-dependency. Your mom needs the younger daughter so that she (Mom) feels 'needed'. It's terrible. Your sister can never 'grow up' as long as Mom keeps bailing her out. She's crying out for help, too -- for someone to MAKE her responsible for her own mistakes. For someone to TRUST her to be mature enough to handle her own problems . . . See what I mean?

Anyway, I think it's time you stand up to Mom. Send her a prayerfully written letter or email (or phone call) and simply say, "Mom, I have been seeking and begging for your affirmation all my life. I now realize that you either can't or won't bestow it upon me, no matter what I do. The time has come for me to cut my ties with you unless you come to the place that you can accept me and love me as I am. You can always write me or call me, but I'm blocking you from my email as I'm tired of the judgemental emails you send."

Something like that, anyway . . .

YOU need to be the one in control of this situation as your mother evidently has a bunch of dysfunction that feeds off itself and continually hurts EVERYONE involved. Just refuse to BE involved any longer!

I too think that your mother is taking care of your sister and her children because she thinks that they need her a lot more than you or your other sister do. As your child gets older, you will realize that a mother will go to great lengths to help a child that's in trouble. The problem is that when we are so emotionally involved, we may not see that what we are doing is actually more harmful. I would suggest that you and your sister talk to your mother in love. Let her know that you both feel hurt because it appears that she loves your other sister more, and your children are missing out on spending time with their grandmother. Would you and your sister consider trying to help your mother deal with the alcoholic sister? Alanon is a wonderful resource for family members. You might consider going together or going to separate meetings so you could each talk more openly if you desire. Encourage your mother to go for the sake of the alcoholic daughter's children, in an effort to minimize the damage that their mother's drinking will have on them. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi, M.! Sounds like your mother has serious mental problems. Having to accept a family member as close in blood as your mother,for who she is can be so painful. To accept that your mother just doesn't have the capacity to love you all,the way you would like is a really tough challenge. Some people just are not wired to understand the consequenses of their lack of participation. I'm sure you could try to reach out to her. Expressing what you have said here to her,would be a wonderful step. But there is no guarantee that she will be able to comprehend what you are saying.

You are so fortunate to have your own family to love and focus on. As sad as the reality may seem, you and your family are most likely much better off without her in your life. If it's not a healthy relationship, then it has no place in your life. The e-mails you mentioned she sends is an alarm not to be ignored. She is most certainly without mental stability.

It must be heartwrenching and so frustrating to sit back and witness your mother's attention for your sister. BUT....from what you have described, they are two peas in a pod!! Let them have each other and always know that you are so much bigger than that. Know in your heart and live it everyday, that you will never allow yourself to behave in such a way. You will be the light in your children's and grandchildren's life and your mother and sister will have missed out. Only, I'm not convinced they would ever know the difference. Be thankful you are intelligent enough to understand human nature and don't let those who don't care or don't have the capacity to care ever get to you again.

How wonderful you are happy and thriving with your new family. I wish you the best!! We can't choose our parents, but we can come to terms with knowing that they are just people that happen to be related to you. Sometimes we are lucky, and other times???? Oh, well! As long as you are loving and responsible with your own, you will remain content!!

You are not alone! I know exactly how you feel. My mother treats me and my kids the same way, except that we have no contact unless she wants something. I have 1 slightly older brother, and 3 younger sisters, and the youngest sister can do no wrong in her eyes. I am probably the happiest and luckiest one of my siblings, being married to the best man ever, and have a wonderful life. My mother dislikes my brother's wife, though she is a bit strange? lol. My mother has always treated me like everything in her life was my fault. My parents finally split up after 35 years of marriage, thank the Lord my dad finally got out of it and is happy. But the only way I deal with my mother is I don't call her, don't answer her emails( which are few and far). She only calls me when she wants something or is being nosy. I just quit having anything to do with her. I only talk to one of my sisters, because the baby of the family is such a crybaby and witch; the other one is an alcoholic(like my mother) and a dopehead(which she won't admit). She thinks my brother walks on water and can do no wrong, except marry someone she doesn't approve of. Also, my mother and her family love to start fights and get someone mad at someone else, then the rest take sides.
When your mother sends you emails about God, forward them back to her. She will probably never take the hint or get the point. But, the only thing to really do is cut off contact, or try to, and PRAY!! Although I feel for the kids in your sister's situation, and I think child's services may need to be called, your mother is just enabling her addiction. I always wonder how a mother can make a difference in her children, and grandchildren. But I guess, it has made me a stronger person, and helped me to make tough decisions, although I wasn't the best mother to my daughter and still try to be a part of her life(even though she makes it difficult); Hang in there, take care of yourself and your family, and Pray. It is funny how things work themselves out. Be there for your children, and your nieces/nephews as you can. They need you also. If you want to email me and chat, just send me a message or my email is ____@____.com. :) Hope this helps.

It sounds like you need a good therapist to talk to and help you deal with your family of origin issues.

I know exactly how you feel. I have an older sister that my mother caters to all the time. My sister's kids get everything under the sun. My sister had 14 credit cards that she maxed out. She called my mom and sobbed to her about. My mom is paying off the credit cards!! I'm very vocal with my mom and I let her know that she shouldn't do those things for my sister. I never tell her how it bothers me or hurts me but I do let her know that I strongly disagree with her support of my sister. I am the strong, stable, responsible one who doesn't get the attention from my mom. I've done everything right, got married, had children, work for a living, etc. My mom and I had this talk a few years ago about how it hurt me that she "favors" my sister and her kids of me and my children. She said she didn't. She explained to me that she knew I was capable of taking care of myself and that I had my husband and his family to support me should I need it. While my sister was by herself with her children and had no one. That was her rationale behind the way she does. Make a point to talk to her about YOUR life once a week. When she brings up your sister listen but make no comments. Then continue on about you. Ask her about her. You will have a better relationship if you do this. You have got to continue to be the "bigger" person here. Good luck!

I am sorry you have this situation. I don't have any ideas because I myself have a mom that abondonded me and doesn't regret it. I know it's different from your situation, but my point is I am hurt my my mothers actions and know how it feels when parents do things that are hurtful like what your mom is doing. I am glad to hear you are depression free ( I have suffered many years of depression and am currently depressed)and hope this situation gets better for you.

Wow....You said a lot. First things first.
It sounds to me that what you could be going through is sibling rilvary. I'm not sure if you and your other sisters all have the same dad or if your mom is married or not. But sometimes our moms do things out of desparation in their own private lives and it may not have anything to do with you or your other sisters! You may want to explore what's going on with your mom as to why she supports your younger sister habits.
I have a younger sister in which it seems my mom and her does not share the same relationship that she and our mother share. I think it's because my mom never married my younger sister's dad but was married to mine. So all the hurt that our mom feel from that failed relationship is expressed through being more partial to me.
I called her out on it and she of course denied it. So my sister and I stick together when mom is trying to be partial. It takes alot of prayer.

Your mother is trying to "save" your sister. She is very dysfunctional and doesn't know how. She needs to be attending al-anon, letting go and letting god. If she can't manage the children, someone needs to take them, if she can manage them, she needs to get custody and raise them, and cut your sister off. Nough said. You need to let this all go, it is eating a hole in your being. You got out and made a good life for yourself. Rejoice! Cut the apron strings, don't look at the emails, delete them, and move on. You also need counseling to heal, as this was a very dysfunctional upbringing. Mom is probably guilty, and thinks sister drinks because of something she did. Your last resort would be calling Child protective service. God Bless, you have your husband, child and older sister, let mom go and make a new life.

M., I agree that you will never be able to change your mother. Are you involved in a church or any other social setting? I would find a surrogate mother. Befriend someone about your mother's age who doesn't have family nearby who would enjoy the company. Call this person weekly, plan outings with the kids, etc....adopt her. This will fill your void and also help someone who is probably seriously in need of some friendship as well. You may find someone at an assisted living place.

First, the only person that we can fix, is ourselves. I grew up in an alcoholic home, dated some bad guys, and finally realized that I had to fix me. I had to decide how I would react, what I would do, how to forgive (and believe me...it is still a struggle.) What your mother is doing is a classic enabling. She does all this for your sister because your sister doesn't do for herself. Her children are completely innocent, and who else is going to help them? Your mother feels obligated. If you are doing well in life, then asking for money, just to see what happens, really isn't fair. You are doing well, your sister is on a dead end road. I'm not saying its good your mother is doing this, she needs to let your sister hit bottom, while at the same time you all need to worry with her children...again, they are innocent just as I was growing up. Your mother, and I understand, is probably so wrapped up in the problems with your sister, she is exhausted...imagine your little baby girl growing up to be a drunk...not caring about you...it would be horrible. Don't be jealous...have pitty and be proud that you are where you are at. Love your mother where she is right now, be there when you can, pray for both of them and forgive over and over. Forgiveness is for us, not the person we are forgiving. Hope this helps.