Okay. So here's what's going on. I'm gonna be moving in with my bf soon. He's in the NAVY and we've been best friends for years (since 08). We began dating this past year. In 2011. And for the past two years we go to his familys home in Kansas. We've gone for Christmas and this past Thanksgiving.
Well about a month ago me and his mother had a phone conversation. She brought up things from my past throwing it in my face. And making a point of saying I'm not good enough for her son. She went on to call me immature and a loser (in not so many words). Later on that day my bf called her and told her what she said was wrong. And how dare she speak so mean to me. He stood up for me. Which I thought was pretty amazing...but I know that her and I will have to talk again. And me and my bf are pretty serious. I just don't know how to approach this. And how to smooth things over. If anyone could help me. Please. It would be much appreciated.
Parents always protect thier kids. My mom and dad disliked my husband becasue he did not have much, I had the condo, he had nothing. They did it because they love me. While they were never disrespectul to him, they said stuff to me.
Well if you are pretty serious, you will have to talk to her agian. Be respectful.. either this will or will not work out.
Good luck.
You know where she stands and knowing is half of the battle. Be respectful, considerate and do not let her infect your relationship.
Keep your relationship business to yourselves, no matter how much she seems to care. Do not let her words stop her from getting to know you just handle every situation with her as maturely as you can
Welcome to mamampedia!
Your post doesn't give a lot of information. WHAT stuff from the past did she throw in your face? WHO told her that stuff from the past?
You are "serious"? Then you need to put the brakes on and get this resolved BEFORE you proceed any further. DO NOT move in with him. Sorry - but really, his mom might be "old school" and the thought of her son "living in sin" might upset her. If you TRY and smooth things over? You may make them worse. So, as they say - let sleeping dogs lie.
WHY do you "NEED" to move in together? You have been friends for ALMOST FIVE YEARS. But dating only less than two.
I would venture to guess that you might be 19 years old. You need to table the idea of moving in together. IF BOTH of you are serious - then you need to talk marriage and do it legit. You WANT to call her "mother in law" then you need to BE the daughter in law and do it right.
Above all else? Be respectful.
All you have to be is polite and respectful. If she starts talking badly about you again just tell her that you aren't going to listen to her words and the conversation is over. She'll continue only as long as you let her. You two may never get along well and that's ok but don't let her get to you. Your bf did an amazing job stepping up for you. As long as he continues to support you things will be ok.
No matter what, you do need to be respectful to her. People may tell you to dish back to her whatever she gives you but the problem with that is that two wrongs don't make a right and it will simply show her that she's right about you. She may also simply be one of those women who believes that no woman she doesn't choose for her son herself is good enough for him. You were fine as a friend for him, but as a girlfriend, well, she had no say in the matter and she doesn't like it.
It's good that he supported you and set boundaries with her. Hopefully she'll back off. I wouldn't try contacting her again unless she's the one to call. Follow your boyfriend's lead on how to handle her. Let him be the one to talk to her.
But you need to consider the likelihood that she's not only not going to get better in her treatment of you, but she's going to get worse. Do you really want to deal with that? If you ever get married imagine what's going on now but 100 times worse. Imagine adding children to that and it gets even worse. If you marry, you don't marry just him... you also marry his family... especially his mother.
Well, at least he stood up for you. But if you think you can move in with him and not draw the bad feelings of this woman into your situation, you are kidding yourself. You want to smooth it over, put a bandaid on it. But this will infect every social situation and decision you make. She will be a bug in your Boyfriend's ear.
You are "pretty serious". IMHO, that's not serious enough to jump into this.
Every situation I have heard of on here or in real life says this is a no go.
Hope I am wrong.
Well at least you know how she feels and she's not being sneaky about it. Always be nice and treat her with kindness. Do not let her into your personal business.
If/when you have a conversation with her at the opening is there acknowledge that she loves her son and most moms never feel anyone is good enough for their sons (or daughters for that matter) so you won't hold that against her. After all she raised the wonderful man (what a great job she did) that you love and who loves both of you. She raised him so his judgement can't be THAT bad...can it?
First, who gave her all the info on your past that she was able to throw in your face? Sometimes it's best to keep things to ourselves and NOT tell people things that we don't want the entire world to know.
If I were you, at our next meeting I would act as if nothing happened. If she doesn't seem friendly/receptive to you, I would follow her lead and ignore her. Under no circumstances would I get into it with her because 1) she's my elder and I would show her respect; and 2) it won't do you any good anyway; she's not going to change her mind.
BTW, I wouldn't even try to "smooth things over." Just move forward.
1. How old are you?
2. Are you still living with your parents?
3. Have you graduated college?
I have been married 15 years. I have a difficult MIL. My Mom gave me this advise and it has always served me well. Don't put your husband in a position were he has to choose between you and his mother. She will always be his mother even if she acts in a way he does not care for. If he wants to defend you of his own accord great but don't force him to. Always keeps your side clean. If this means limiting contact with her, so be it. When you do have contact act respectful even if its hard. She raised him to be the man you love. Always remember that. If you are planning a long term life with this man you will have to decide if you can live with the fact that you may never be good enough for this woman, how you are going to deal with that personally and if you end up marrying this man, how not to let it effect your marriage. Good luck.
I would halt moving in with the BF until things get "serious." His mom may not like your out of jealousy and it could be that she didn't really like any (or many) of his past girlfriends. It is nice that he stood up for you, but this is not the end of the rodeo for you and his mom. I guess I am intersted in knowing how you defended yourself during the conversation on the phone? Did you stand up for yourself? You can do so without being disrespectful, enough to let her know that you have clear boundaries with her.
She's making a mistake by getting into your face and by throwing your past at you and saying you're not good enough. Not sure where she got her information or whether any of it is true, but regardless, it's not her business and she has made the mistake of getting too involved.
Your boyfriend stood up for you, which is great.
So all you can do is take the high road. Show her the right way to behave and be civil. Try not to see her or talk to her without your boyfriend there. Is he deployed right now? So do you have to see his mother? Don't answer her calls - let it go to voice mail and see if you need to respond. If she asks a question or invites you to something, you need to be polite and reply. If she goes on a rant, say "I'm sorry you feel that way. I think it would be better for your son if we could get along, so I'm not going to get into name-calling with you. Thanks for calling, but I need to run now. Ta-ta and have a good day!" Then get off the phone. If you can see her just with him there, that's great. He can try to help her figure out what her goal is - running his life? Scaring you off? The best way for her to drive him toward you is to pick on you - so he can let her know that her rants just make him want to be with you more, defend you, protect you.
Maybe she's this way all the time. So limit your contact. But always be respectful, without being a punching bag. Say that you need to go, but hold your head high. Don't stoop to her level and insult her, don't break down in tears, but don't sit there and take it either.
My mother inlaw was such a troll to me when my husband and I got together. But as time went on and I was not going to let her precious son go, she was nicer to me. I killed her with kindness. I was always polite to her, I made sure I was not alone with her. I still make sure I am not alone with her. I do not sit beside her at anytime. I keep conversations neutral. She drinks way to much when we have family gatherings. I stay away.
My husband has stuck up for me as well a few times with her. I say nothing to her. But I will NEVER like this women...ever.
I've been married for less then a year and no joke or exaggeration, I have a mother in law from hell. I think it's amazing that your boyfriend stuck up for you. If he didnt then I would say leave fast and leave now. My husband doesn't stick up for me with my mil and it just causes problems and will make your marriage/relationship crumble in no time. It sounds like it is the opposite with you though. If your boyfriend has your back then you have a good man so hold on tight. For some reason mother in laws tend to get jealous and possesive instead of being grateful that their son found somebody amazing. Don't let her get to you and let her insecurities effect her, not you. Good luck.
