Mother Who Is Absentee

to get supervised visits is only if she is drinking or doing drugs or abusive to child.

Seems like perhaps she might have some issues.

It is up to the dad to talk to the mom and work it out. She should give him the address and phone number when she moves.

She does have a right to see her son and unless she has been abusive, or drinks, drugs, have to encourage that.

Dad needs to sit down with him and and can be with you and say he understands he might be nervous to meet new guy, but he needs to spend time with his mom and should give the new guy a chance.

Unless the new guy is bad, nothing you can do or say about who she dates, marries or lives with.

i would definitely seek your lawyer on this one! especially since her living arrangements are changed!

Wow L.. That's awful in a lot of different ways.
1. It's obvious his mom is in some sort of crisis situation. She may actually need help in a medical sense. Something else is going on. Does she do drugs? Has her former boyfriend physically abused her? Is she bi-polar (manic depressive)?

2. If he doesn't want to go, don't make him. He may have seen some things that really bothered him. He doesn't know the new man his mom lives with so why not make the meeting at a neutral place like the skating rink or somewhere he is comfortable seeing her.

3. Your husband needs to file for sole custody. I have found that men, for whatever reason don't pursue this avenue. In this case it may be necessary.

4. She may be in a more stable environment now. Why don't you guys make it a point to meet the man. I have four sons. Their dad is a bit of a Wh--e. I have had to put my foot down about him spending time with women while the boys are with him. I insisted I meet his "actual" girlfriend, and found she was a very nice women. I feel sorry for her, but at least i'm comfortable with her spending time with them.

Does he have to go? Maybe it might be better in the long run for him not to go, especially if he doesn't want to. He is probably secure in the environment you have created and feels safe there. Sounds like his mom's environment could be unsettling for him. Kids need lots of boundaries and stability, so in the end it might not be a bad thing.

Have you talked to her about why she is not coming or calling him? She might not know how to deal with a new person in her sons life.

Dear L.,
I saw lots of advice the mentioned speaking with/seeing the attorney. Good advice. Also though, you may want to check your current custody order. I know that with my step-son the order (near the end) specified that neither parent was to drink or use drugs in the minor's presence AND they were not to allow it in their home when he was there (to the best of their ability) IMO, unless she's NOT the one paying the bills, she CAN say what goes on in the home. If she's Not paying the bills, and there's stuff going on contrary to the order, let her know that if she takes him to that environment, you'll see her back in court. If possible (I know it would be difficult) allow her to see him at your house, or maybe a nearby playground, mall, etc. BTW, you mentioned a home inspection ~ that is not regular protocol for an average case. So you MIGHT be able to say she can't have him until there's another home inspection done. (you'd have to check with the attorney on that one.) Just a few thoughts. Oh, and one more thing, you're probably already doing this, but DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT (EVERYTHING!) I transcribe court cases and unless you have it in writing, it'll just be a he said/she said battle. BTW, you alos need to do it contemporaneously, which means that as soon as you get off the phone, you document the call. As soon as she picks up the kid, document the conversation and anything that stands out. If she drops him off in clothes that are not seasonally appropriate, write it down right away. My sister's boyfriend has a kid, and around December or January, they went to pick up his kid one weekend, and she was in a short-sleeved dress and sneakers (no socks and no sweater/jacket). That's my 22 cents worth. ;) God bless ~ I'll be praying for you all!

I agree, see your lawyer about it. I wouldn't want to send him to a house with a strange man in it. I'm sure you could get an emergency hearing if the mother starts insisting on her court ordered visits. good luck!

I would go back to court .. since she is no longer living where the home visit occured she needs another home visit. There is a reason her child does not want to be with her .. he is old enough to explain. Until you know that reason, I would not make him go ...

Thank God you are there for him L.. Maybe it is time you and your husband have a serious chat about a few things. First is getting sole custody and second is you actually adopting him. If she is not interested in her childs welfare she should not get to be the mom. It will be in the childs best interest to have a stable family. Talking to your lawyer would the best next step once you and your husband make the necessary decisions
Good luck

sounds to me as if the mom is very confused..i wouldnt push the visits until she is stable and maybe a good idea to have the courts modify the order until she has a stable living arrangement that he is comfortable with..thank god he has you! T.

Hello. I am also a stepmom to a 7-year old boy. I met my now husband four (4) years ago. He has full custody of his son. He ex-wife lives in Oregon and we live in New Jersey. When they divorced, she decided to move to Oregon where she was from. She only sees her son in the Summer basically. Sometimes it is difficult for me because she is not doing her job as a mother. I get very irritated at her. I have asked her several times how can you be away from your child? You are missing so much of his growing up. It doesn't seem to bother her. She calls him may be two (2) times a week and sometimes she tells him she will call and doesn't which really makes me angry. Not only am I raising him physically and emotionally but also financially. She is about five (5) months behind in child support. Apparently, she doesn't feel this is part of being a parent. She is also very unstable. She is unable to stay in a relationship and can't keep a roof over her own head. When I met my stepson he was a very angry 3-year old. I never seen such anger from a young child. He is doing better now that he has stability and we also take him to therapy. He also does not want to go and visit his mother at times. He rather stay with us. I know how you feel and it is very disturbing that these women don't do what they are suppose to do as Mothers. There isn't much you can do to change these people. They have to want to change themselves. The best you can do is be there for the child and let him know that he is loved. I hope it helps to know you are not alone and that this has helped in some way.

Unfortunatly is sounds like she has limited interest in her child and that he is definatly not a priority.
It is a sad fact, but it has been proven to you and your husband repedidly it sounds.
I think your husband, his father, should get sole custody though still allowing her limited visitation if she's even interested, or atleast start keeping a documented journal of her lack of interest and that she misses schedualed times to have her child.
I'm sorry, but I'm finding this so sad for your stepson, but I"m so happy to know he has you and his father who love him.
Good luck ;)

Hi L.!

I am also a step-mother. Our situation was close to yours. If he doesn't want to go, DON'T make him. Please don't tell him of any plans made with her because of her no shows. My step-son would always get hurt. He is now 25 yrs. old still remembers her disappointing him. He is actually going to counseling because of her.

Good luck!

You said that when you and your husband first met that he was with his mom quite often. Have you ever thought that your relationship with your husband's son goes past the boundry of step mom? Basically, did you take the place of this boy's mom in his life? If the boy's mom was in love with your husband, not only did she loose the man she loves to you..but also her son if you stepped over the step mom line. If she is calling, she does want a relationship with her son. BUT she may have difficulties in dealing with you. Are you trying to take over being 'Mom' in this boy's life? That is only a question that you can answer if you examine yourself. Also try to put yourself in her shoes to see how you would feel if the situation was reversed, it helps give better understanding and give better solutions. You may not like this boy's mom, but she is still his mom.

My brother does not completely agree with me. He says that your step son has made up his own mind that he does not want to go there to meet the man. My brother suggests that you invite both, the mother and the older man so that the step son can meet the man. Also, give the boy time to get to know the older man before going to his mom's new home.

It sounds like his mom doesn't have her priorities very straight, and that he is better off with you and your husband. He is very lucky to have a stepmom that cares for him as much as you do.

I would not push him to go if he doesn't want to. (Obviously there is a reason he doesn't want to go.) I wouldn't even call her to remind her of her obligations. It sounds harsh, but she is an adult and has to pay for her actions and decisions. He is old enough to realize what is going on, and old enough to sit down and talk to him. Explain what is going on, without bashing his mom, and listen to the reasons why he doesn't want to go.

As a stepmom, you are there to be a friend, a shoulder, and someone to have fun with. Let his daddy make the final decision. :)

I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you...I simply wanted to say kudos to you for being so caring, supportive, and protective of your step-son. Step-child/parent bonds can be really difficult to form and it sounds like he is a very lucky little boy to have you in his life.
All I can say is continue to show your love and support to him so that he is always comfortable talking to you and his dad about his relationship (or even lack-there-of) with his mother. I know it must be difficult for you to send him off to visit with her, but as long as he has a good relationship with you and his dad he'll be able to tell you honestly what happens during those visits so that you can be aware of any possible concerns.
And one last piece of advice, no matter how true it may be, try not to ever say anything negative about his mother in front of him. He already doesn't feel comfortable around her, so hearing more reasons will only make it even more difficult to form a positive relationship with her. Although, the impression I get from your post is that you already know this and don't do that. :)
I wish you all the best for this difficult situation.

in my sister's custody battles, she got her kids a counselor to talk to and they were able to better assess the situation with what the kids want. If you go back to court, the judge will take into consideration what the counselor says and most often will take the child's side in the matter. At least that is what happened with my oldest niece.

I agree with contacting your lawyer, ASAP. This new environment might not be safe for him. As for visiting with his mom, his dad or even you should let him know that his mom loves him and that visiting her is important and you are working on finding a solution so he feels comfortable with it. Depending on what the attorney comes up with explain it to him. He just needs to know that everyone loves him, regardless of what is going on.

My daughetrs father was very involved in her life until she was 6, now he barely calls her and unless I take her to see him he doesn't visit. They just need to be reassured they are loved and kept in the of what is going on (need to know basis). They worry about these things just like we do.

Best of luck.