I wrote a post last night about my SIL and the holiday issue. Well, aside from that, my SIL's 20 year old son has been a problem for her. He finished high school 2 years ago. He refuses to get a job or go to school. During our conversation last night, she suggested that she thought of asking my husband and myself if her son could move into our house to get him motivated to either get a job or go to school. I was like, "are you kidding me?" That would be a huge burden. I understand her frustration because she has tried to get him motivated, but there must be something else that can be done. My other SIL already told her that she would not take him in because her husband would leave her if she did. Seriously, my husband travels alot and I have two small kids. I don't need another responsibility. I'm writing this post to find out from any of you ladies out there, that if you had a child who was like this or know of one, what do you do or how do you get them to pretty much get a life? Thanks again for your help.
Thank you for the wonderful advice. I'm glad you ladies wrote that we shouldn't take him in. I thought that was a bad idea. Now, I have you ladies on my side and it feels right!
@KellyH: His dad is around, but he and his dad have a turbulent relationship because his dad remarried. That's another story. Any kind of encouragement from his dad or anyone else, goes in one ear and out the other.
Don't even think of taking him in, and don't let her try to guilt you into it.
She needs to tough love him. Take everything out of his room except 1 week worth of cothes and his bed. When he starts being responsible, he can "buy" back his stuff - cause unless he bought it with HIS own money, it' HER stuff. She may need help/support to do this. And if she isn't willing to do it, she's part of the problem.
SIL is looking for someone else to finish raising her son.
That way she can be the good guy and her son won't be mad at her.
She needs to grab this bull by the horns.
He'll be motivated when he's uncomfortable enough.
She needs to take things away from him.
No tv, no internet access, no cell phone, no games, the minimum food, etc.
Everything becomes contingent upon him looking for and obtaining work - and no job should be beneath him - he can be a janitor or pick up trash or stock shelves or bus tables. He can learn to drive a truck or a bus.
He should aim to have a minimum of 40 hrs in his work week and if one job won't do it he can get two.
And when he gets work, he's got to help pay for his upkeep until he moves out.
If he refuses, she should take him round to recruiters.
He's not a baby anymore and he's got to make his way in the world.
The sooner he starts, the sooner he'll be mastering skills that will serve him for the rest of his life.
If I were your SIL, I would cut off all cable/satellite, and internet connection. I would put every TV in the house in storage somewhere.
For myself during this period, I would read books for entertainment, and go to the library for internet access.
He'd probably be out of there within weeks.
I'd make it as boring as possible.
PS: I wouldn't bring him into your home either. That won't fix the problem.
We gave ours an ultimatum, He had 5 choices, move out and work your pizza job or pick a bootcamp, (there are 4 bootcamps).
He chose the NAvy and is now practically human.
Tell her to tell him that he needs to either get a job, go to school or join the military. My boys both joined the military and it was the best thing they could have done. They both make 6 figures and got free college education, my youngest is just about to finish his bachelors degree.
We told ours they had to sh*t or get off the pot and that they couldnt live with us for free. You gotta be a little tough if you want a boy to become a man.
My son had a job and I still kicked him out. That is pretty much all you can do to get them to take responsibility for their lives. Not saying it is easy but my son did not sink he swam. Little bugger will be making more than me in three months....
Think about it this way. He hasn't a clue how to support himself in the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to. He isn't being forced to understand that his parents have earned that lifestyle over time, it wasn't magic beans. He is that kid at the side of the pool that knows how to swim but just wonders about water temperature. Your sister in law needs to push him in.
Oh yeah, Grandma is right, military, that was our plan B if the kid actually sank.
Sounds like there is some enabling going on here. What I would say is that he has 4-6 months to get his act together (it is hard to find work right now). In that time he will have chores to do at home and if he doesn't get a job then he is on his own. This type of behavior I am all to familiar with. My mom, I love her very much but, she chooses to give my brother an easy out on most anything. He is 39 and still living at home. Yes he has made attempts to be a man but never fully. She constantly makes excuses for him. She "helps" raise his teenage daughter. Tough love at this point. He is 20, make him responsible. She is allowing him to continue to mooch and live for free. It isn't helping him, it's actually hurting him. One day he will want a relationship and should be able to offer something to that other person. She is setting him up for failure by not being strong herself. Nip it in the bud now before it gets too out of control. For her sanity too! Do not contribute to this, raise your family and be there for her when she needs it.
I agree with the other responders. Most people will only make a change when they get uncomfortable enough with where they are currently. He sounds like he's got it easy. Why would he change anything?
I know 2 people who were like this. One is in his 40s and is an alcoholic. He is still at home and works occasionally so that he can buy alcohol. He has been arrested for public intoxication so many times, the cops know him by name in a very large city. One time he was found in the median of an 8 lane highway, drunk as could be. He walked across 4 lanes that way and collapsed. I blame his parents. Why? Because they never forced him out. They have a couple times and even got a restraining order. He started to fly right, mom was happy, let him move back home, and he fell right back into his old habits. It is so frustrating for everyone in the family.
The other person I know didn't know what he wanted to do in life, flunked most of his college classes, felt frustrated and lost, etc. His parents said okay, you blew it in college. You need to join the military. He was about 22. He went into the army, was stationed in the states, met a wonderful woman. SHE was his motivator. He knew he wanted to marry her. So, he served his time, got out of the army, went back to school and got a degree. They are married, have a great family and he is doing very well for his family.
The difference between the two?? One had parents who had low expectations and enabled his worthless existence. The other parents knew and believed their son could be and do so much more with his life and FORCED him to step out and be responsible for himself and become a man.
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results is stupid. Moving him into your house would only continue his dependency on others.
The less we do for them, the more they will do for themselves. (From a quote by Benjamin Franklin, I think.)
Sound like he's stuck somewhere between being a child and an adult. He needs to understand that new part of his life has begun and he has to meet certain requirements. It's unacceptable for him to continue living at home at his age if he's not in school. Sounds also like he lacks direction. She can't make his decisions for him, nor is it appropriate for her to try to make him anyone elses responsibility. He needs to learn to be responsible for himself. She should tell him (repsectfully) that he has a decision to make....to GET A JOB and continue his education and live there, or GET A JOB and save his money to move out and on his own. Life is calling.
T.---Unfortunately your SIL must be the one to draw the line for her son. He MUST get a job/get into school or he is OUT. Then she has to stick to her guns, or else he will be living with her forever.
My neighbor has the same situation although I don't think she minds her son still living at home. But he is miserable...few friends, unable to socialize and he just won't do anything. It's so sad...I keep thinking why would she not want her son to have a LIFE. It is up to her to push him out of the nest...for his own good.
And don't get me started about my parents and my brother. He will be 53 this weekend and is at home. My parents want him gone but they won't kick him out...I'm sure because it would require getting police involved...and he has had problems with drugs and the law in the past. It's such a sad codependency. My parents will never be rid of him because they didn't make the really hard choices when he was younger.
My husband threatened our now 25 year old son about 6 years ago. Get a job, get into school or get out. We had just moved 5 hours from where he grew up a year after his HS graduation. He had gone to college one year but failed there. Not because he wasn't capable...he just chose not to be. He ended up getting a full-time job at Walgreens (a great company to work for if you don't mind retail...and they are always looking for and hiring reliable people...they offer insurance and profit sharing benefits that are unheard of in this economic climate) and is now a store manager making a lot of money for a 25 year old.
It really is about tough love. Your SIL needs to let her son know that she will support him in anyway and at all times...AS LONG AS HE IS TRULY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING. Otherwise, he is out. He needs to wake up and hopefully it won't take something traumatic to do that.
I'd have to say it's probably not a good idea for you to take him in but it could be an option depending on a whole bunch of different things. With your hubby gone, it would be harder. You didn't say, but it sounds like your nephew doesn't have a male role model currently. Having that could be helpful but...
Good luck. It's a really tough situation to be in. One last thought. Your SIL and nephew should be in counseling to get to the bottom of his issues. That could help as well. Saying my prayers...D.
Do not let him move into your home, regardless of the reason. Your household doesn't need the added burden. You didn't create this situation and it isn't yours to fix.
All of the posts from other member are fine, and I agree with them. BUT bottom line, you and your husband don't need this conflict coming into your home.
If your decision not to help causes further tension, such as "I asked for help and no one helped me" All the more reason not to get involved.
He didn't get to this place in a bubble. Sounds like they have always done too much for this boy. Either that or they were terrible role models. In my family, everyone works and we all have type A personalities and I can't imagine any of my kids not working and working hard....that is, for others. My kids were lazy as heck at home. But that's okay with me. I'd rather them be go getters out there where it counts.
I love my daughter and part of raising my daughter is making her understand responsibility. She already knows at the age of 10 that things cost money and you cannot get everything you need. You need to work for you money etc. At 18 she is going to college. I think she is trying to get him out of the house anyway she can and that way if you kick him out she can say no I'm sorry you can't come back. It looks like her son needs direction. Maybe she is looking for the male influence of your husband to help him get responsibility. Where is his dad in all this. Is she afraid to kick him out. There has to be more to it.
Wow! She fails at setting boundaries or disciplining her kid and wants to unload the task on you.. Y'know, you previously wrote you don't really get along w/ her but this is in a way showing she realizes her failures, your successes, and that she envies you in that respect. In a way. No need to go overboard.
Find out some things first. WHY does he refuse to get a job or go to school? With that in mind, as how his share of room and board will be paid? How many strikes before he's out? I.e., if he violates a time to be in or general rules of the house, how many chances before he's history? Set some HIGH standards before you even entertain the thought. The kid is her problem to deal with. Either it's time she made some rules that are non negotiable or she changes the locks.
I can understand that just out of high school, there are those who shy away from MORE school, just as a breather. But get away from it for too long and it gets easier and easier to totally forget it. But meanwhile there has to be something. Can't just sleep in and waste the day doing nothing.
Truthfully I would suggest against it. Seriously. Her offspring, her problem. There's more than likely a growth issue for her as well.
You give them an ultimatum and stick to it. Get a job in 60 days, or out on your ear. Let them figure out who to bunk in with. It was totally inappropriate for your SIL to ask you to do that. She's created this monster, she needs to deal with it.
Best wishes!
I would first take him to a doctor to make sure there is not any physical or mental issues (depression, anxiety disorders etc.) wrong. If the check-up comes back clean, than it's time for tough love by his parents. They need to get a solid backbone, toughen up, and set some rules and ultimatums.
Time for tough love. Time to give a timeframe for him to have a job and pay rent or to move out. Of course, this is your SIL's job, not yours. Tell her it is part of the job of parenting to train your child to be self supporting and that means to get a job and a place of his own.
I know of lots of them. She needs to kick him out, if he "refuses." Sheesh. Help him find roommates, and then kick his butt out. Not into your home, if you don't want to.
