Hi everyone,
A few months ago, my boyfriend and I made the decision to move in together. He is 32 and I am 27, and he has a nine-year-old daughter (G). He was married G's mother, but they were divorced when she was only three and she doesn't really have clear memories of their life together. The life that she is familiar with concerning her father is one that has included just the two of them, overnight once a week and for dinner once or twice a week (he would choose to have her more but these were the terms of the custody hearing and have subsisted).
G, then, spends the majority of her time at her mother's house (who lives with her boyfriend). She is an only child and spends a lot of time around adults.The three of them spend a lot of time watching television and playing video games, and don't do a lot outside of the house. G gets very little physical activity in her days, and even in the middle of summer we'd pick her up and ask her what she'd been doing all day, and her most common answer was watching TV or playing video games. She also doesn't eat very healthy foods, as they cook a lot of what they eat from a box and eat a lot of snacks and junk food. She has gained a substantial amount of weight and shows very clear signs of extreme insecurity, particularly around people she's meeting for the first time. They are not bad people, but their lifestyle is certainly far from the healthiest it could be. Her mother is also quite insecure and not very comfortable with herself.
Over the past several years, my boyfriend has not lived a very healthy lifestyle, either. He is a terrible housekeeper and his various apartments have not been very well-kept. He got into a habit of allowing G to just watch television or play video games when she was at his house, too. She also never had to clean her room or help around the house (because there was really no housework being done), and just kind of did whatever she wanted. His parenting style was somewhat atrocious and became basically hands-off from day to day, involving himself in important matters like school conferences, ball games, etc but overlooking the important little things.
Since we met three years ago, he has made some major changes in his lifestyle. His diet has become much healthier. In our house together we cook from whole foods (fresh produce, bulk rice & beans, lots of herbs, homemade tea, etc) as much as possible. We grow our own veggies & herbs, don't eat meat, avoid excessive dairy and junk food, etc. Snacks tend to be fruit, peanut butter & celery, popcorn, etc. He has also started practicing yoga and does his best to keep busier and combat his (self-proclaimed) innate tendency toward laziness. We encourage one another to be creative (art, music, crafts, etc) and stay smiling. I like to keep a highly functioning and clean house, and he does his best to help out wherever he can, including laundry, dishes, helping with pets, and cooking. Along with these changes, naturally, came a slight change in his parenting tactics.
G is now expected to keep her room clean, help set the table, clear her own dishes after eating, and practice good manners at the table (not talking with mouth full, using silverware properly... basic, simple things). We don't have television, which was a rough adjustment for her at first but now she just puts in movies and plays them on repeat (it's like the images and sounds are kind of an addiction). He takes a much more active role in what she is doing, limiting computer time and encouraging her to read, draw, etc instead. She is also expected to wash face, brush teeth etc before bed and to shower when she's been playing hard outside (which we encourage as much as possible). These things weren't really done at his house before. He's not a bad parent, he is just a GUY and needed a nudge in the right direction.
I do want to say, I am not MAKING him do any of this. He has undoubtedly been highly influenced by my way of life, but only as much as he has wanted to be. He is happier and healthier and more fulfilled than he has been in a long time. We have created a really beautiful home (we did a LOT of renovating - spent an entire month before moving in), keep a huge and fruitful garden, cook fantastic meals together, listen to music and dance around, altogether a happy home. That being said... it is a VERY different home life than what G is accustomed to.
Obviously, this has been somewhat of an adjustment for her! When we renovated the house, I made her room my "special project." She wasn't allowed to enter until it was move-in day and her room was completely finished. I painted her walls purple (her favorite colors are pink and purple) and covered the whole room in butterflies, leaves, beautiful pictures, and a canopy over her bed. Her bedding is pink and purple with tons of pillows. I did this to alleviate the transition... This bedroom is awesome (she was speechless when she first saw it)! We gave her a TV in her room (for DVDs) since it's what she is used to, although she is accustomed to having video games in there too we decided against that (they are all in the den with the main household TV).
Now that I've given VERY detailed background information... To the present matter at hand.
G is basically a spoiled brat. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's the best way I can sum it up. She is disrespectful, argumentative, and throws a complete fit when she doesn't get her way. She argues about EVERYTHING, even when it obviously doesn't make sense (she'd say the sky was green if I mentioned it were blue). I'm not the only one she does this to, but I definitely receive the worst of it. If I'm talking she will often interrupt mid-sentence, and when I politely explain she should say excuse me, and wait her turn to speak, she will cry and yell because I "never listen" (she complains of this concerning anyone who does not drop what they are doing to hear every word she has to say, no matter what). I cook dinner, and she purposely acts out at the dinner table, using the worst manners possible when her father asks her to act civilly. If she is even subtly reprimanded, she cries and throws tantrums, wailing that she "ruins everything" etc. She is basically only happy if she is handed everything that she wants and allowed to do whatever she wants.
She is also very lazy. Oh and did I mention EXTREMELY intelligent? She will make jokes such as, "I don't want to learn a musical instrument, because that takes EFFORT, and effort is HARD! I don't like hard things because I'm REALLY lazy." She says this with a tongue in cheek attitude, looking for a rise out of us (which we don't give her). And for the record, we have never told her she's lazy. We just do our best to encourage her being at least somewhat active. We'll go for walks together with the dog, and (no exaggeration) about two minutes into the walk she will begin to whine that she is tired and needs to rest. More than once in this circumstance, she has actually sat down on the ground and refused to budge, and the scene has ended in sobs when her dad insists that she continue walking.
It's really quite ridiculous. It is very difficult because she gets away with this behavior at her mother's house, where she spends the majority of her time. I feel she is acting out against me to some extent, because she associates this new awareness and presence her dad has with me being in the picture (like if I wasn't here, things could go back to normal and she could do what she wants again). Again, although I have influenced the situation, he is doing this his way... So while this association is understandable, how can I make it clear that it is not my "fault" that Daddy wants her to correct her behavior?
About a month ago, after a "you never listen to me" speech from G to me, I decided to rectify in the only way I knew how: I wrote her a letter. I explained that I don't ever mean to not listen, and that sometimes I'm just busy or distracted but if she ever has something she wants to talk to me about, all she has to do is let me know it is important to her and she will have my undivided attention. I also got her a diary - pretty pink satin with a lock and key - and explained that we all feel sometimes that there is no one to listen to what we have to say, so writing it down can help us to feel better. I also told her that I remember a lot of things from when I was a little girl and that I probably felt some of the things that she feels sometimes, so I'd be here to listen or give her advice if she needed.
G's behavior toward me shifted for about a week after this letter and gift. She was more apt to hang out with me around the house, etc. But then it tapered off and things are back to how they were before, and maybe even worse, with her arguing with me about literally everything I say, taking attitude at every opportunity, and whining and complaining about everything she can think of. I don't know what to do. I am ready to just cut off my relationship with her completely, because I am so stressed about it. I know this is really hard on Daddy, because he loves us both and wants us to have a respectful and loving relationship with one another, but I just don't know how. I've talked to him about it, but I think he is just as lost as I am. He doesn't know how to explain that her behavior is unacceptable, without making ME the reason for her being reprimanded (the last thing we need in this situation). We just don't know what to do.
I know I just wrote a novel about this. It's been kind of therapeutic getting it all out of me, to be honest. Thank you to anyone who has read all of this, and thank you even more to anyone who has some sound advice, experience to share, so on. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!
Namaste (the spirit in me honors the spirit in you!)
E.
E., My heart goes out to you, and I wish you nothing but the best of luck! Sometimes kids are brats, and no matter how much you try, it may or may not change. Just stay positive, and don't let her see that it bothers you.
Hi E.,
I’m sorry you and your boyfriend’s daughter are having such a difficult time.
I am writing from the perspective of being a step-mother. I have three older step-children B -21; G-19; and B-16. My husband and I also have a 5 year-old son.
I don’t know if you and your bf have a child together; I didn’t see anything about that in your post, so I’m going to respond assuming his 9 year-old daughter is the only child in your life. Hope none of this sounds harsh---just trying to be as genuine and helpful as possible.
Please know that it is difficult for children to have to live within two different families---even under the BEST of circumstances. It is difficult to have to shift between two homes, no matter how lovely the homes may be and how much they are loved in each of those homes. They didn’t ask to get dragged into their parents’ new relationships, but yet, they have to deal with it. It becomes even more difficult and confusing when there are different sets of rules to follow and four adults telling them what to do.
You, personally, have a very evolved and elevated lifestyle....healthy and homegrown foods, physical exercise and yoga, a beautifully decorated and organized home, great emphasis on things other than tv, video games, etc. It sound like the ideal home we’d all like to give our families. However, you should realize that many people, probably the vast majority of people, do not function at this level. Not that we shouldn’t aspire to reach our best potential, but realistically, not everyone will get to this place. Although your bf made these healthy changes gradually, to a child, the changes may still be unsettling and unfamiliar.
So, try to see this situation from the little girl’s eyes. At nine, she is still a little girl and has the emotional needs of a little girl. She’s having to make sense of living one way in mom’s house and another way in dad’s house. You and your bf have to decide what are the most important rules/expectations you want her to follow and then guide her towards reaching those expectations. Start with the most important ones first (talking in a respectful tone, responding positively to requests, etc.), and then later you can add more responsibilities. Dad has to take the lead on this, and when necessary, to be the one doing the disciplining. That is essential because he is the parent, and he has history and a status with her that you do not. You can still be a supportive, loving, and positive influence, but you must understand that he is the parent.
If you have never lived with children before, please try to understand that they don’t fit neatly into the idealized version of life WE ALL have in our heads before we have children. I’m not saying you have to compromise your values, but you do have to adjust your expectations realistically. When doing chores, initially, you may have to do some of them with her (several times) to model the way you want the table cleared, room cleaned, etc. Also, look for PROGRESS not perfection. Reinforce her with praise when she accomplishes tasks even though it might not have been completed completely to your standards.
Involve her in the household that you three are now creating. For example, include her in coming up with a rotation of household chores or tasks. You made a beautiful room for her but didn’t let her see it until it was completed. How about including her in some simple revisions or decorative additions to the room that she can choose? This gives her more of a feeling of ownership and might make her feel like it’s her house, too, rather than just being a guest in your house.
Finally, because you seem like such a kind, caring, conscientious, and introspective person, I want to challenge you to watch your thoughts: “G is basically a spoiled brat…. She is also very lazy.” Even If you never utter these words out loud to anyone else, they are there within you, and you will respond to her based on those perceptions. She may not be able to articulate that she feels that coming from you, but she will feel it, and it will create much dissention. You will never be able to be the loving adult she needs as long as you see her this way. I’m not saying that her current behavior is acceptable; there are certainly things she needs to work on, and she does need to learn and grow (she’s nine, after all). But if you want her cooperation, and ultimately her TRUE respect for you (not just acting respectfully towards you because she HAS to), you must change your way of thinking about her.
Instead of seeing her as a spoiled brat, try to see her as a child who is trying desperately to have some need met but is going about it in an unacceptable way. You and her father should try to find what that need is and help her meet it in a more appropriate fashion. Instead of seeing her as lazy, see her as a child who hasn’t found what motivates and excites her into action. Help her develop her interests, and realize these may be different than yours. Also, try to find some common ground, activities that you can share, and do these things with her even if it might not be YOUR favorite thing to do.
Sorry this turned out to be so long, but it is a topic near to me, and I do understand. A wise marriage and family therapist once told me that it takes at least three years for step/blended families to really gel. Try some of the advice you’ve received from the moms here, and if you don’t see some improvement soon, do find a good MF therapist. It can be of great help.
One day, you may even find yourself being the very lucky recipient of a spontaneous hug or a “love you too!” from your step-child. When that happens, it is a feeling like no other. I wish that for you.
Best wishes to all of you,
J. F.
While your efforts and impacts are many, might I say that a pink/purple room, a diary and a letter do not a relationship make!
I know you mean well, but it's not quite that simple.
This kid is a human being who has had significant and numerous changes in her life.
You're not her mom or her step mom. You're a girlfriend. How does she know you're even going to be around in 6 months.
I'm sorry, but I feel you are sending the wrong message to a girl of this age by living with your boyfriend, her dad.
Brace yourself and hold on to your hat because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Your boyfriend's first responsibility should always be to his child.
Should you choose a permanent commitment to this man, be very aware that it includes his daughter, her life and all of the influences in her life!
Much of this is typical 9 year old girl behavior so don't take it too personally. And don't stress out so much about it. Some days will be good and some bad. Even in the most perfect of families, things just don't always go so smoothly. Sounds like she has had a dysfunctional family life for a long time but strangely this is what is comfortable for her. It is what she is used to. There will be a time of adjustment for her and for you as a new parental figure in her life. You sound like a super nice, giving and sensitive human being. You are doing lots of things right. Don't give up. One of these days, it will get better. Although every age of a child brings new challenges so I can't promise you it will be easy. Being a parent is hard but it can also fun and rewarding. To have a positive influence on another human being. It is so worth it. You and the Dad have to have a complete appearance of "united front" in front of her. If you two have any disagreements about family rules, etc. don't discuss these in front of her. In front of her you two have to appear like you agree on all the rules. Bad manners and behavior are unacceptable and privileges like game playing and/or gaming should be taken away for a pre agreed on time period.
In all of this I don't think I caught the "age" of G. So offering you advice based on not knowing her age is difficult. But the part where you said she is argumentative is VERY familiar to me...as difficult as it is...do not argue. My son will BAIT me to try and get me to argue...I do not know why but it seems like something kids put parents through, maybe it is a control issue...I do not suggest backing off completely, but I would treat her with respect, be pleasant, and maybe just give her time. If she is being unpleasant, she should suffer consequences...you eat in a socially acceptable manner and are polite at the table, or you sit in your room and wait to eat when everyone else is done, by yourself at the table. Things like that. What is G interested in? Try to do things that she enjoys, make plans to do something as a family set for a later date and tell her going depends on her following through with being pleasant and polite and respectful. My oldest spends summers wit his dad, his dad recently remarried...my son dislikes his step mom...I tell him all the time, he does not have to love her, or heck even like her if he doesn't want to and no one can force him, but he should be pleasant and respectful and who knows maybe one day they will be friends, it will take time...I certainly would rather know he has another person in his life he can count on...let G know she can come to you and count on you to be there...start a notebook to pass back and forth if talking face to face gets difficult...let G know when she hurts your feelings, let her know you didn't steal her daddy, Maybe you need to make space for G and her dad to have some time together just her and her dad? I promise I meant none of this to come across as hateful or judgmental....you sound like you sincerely care and want to improve the situation, it sounds like you are doing your part and sometimes only time can make things like this better. Have you considered family counselling at all? I hope i have helped, I hope you get lots of sound advice...being a parent is hard work, it doesn't matter if you are a biological parent, an adoptive parent or a step parent...I think her dad should talk to G and say that you deserve to be treated with respect, if her behavior is left uncorrected it is as if he condones it...I would leave discipline up to dad...although you should not have to tolerate being disrespected, no matter what the age being sent to her room for being disrespectful or being asked to apologize is appropriate. Give G choices, so she can feel like she has some control, ask for her help in the kitchen ( my kids Love to cook) Also, start New family traditions for the 3 of you...sorry this was long and rambling as well = ) ***After I read it, a second time I noticed she is 9 in the heading! Sorry for missing that!****
It sounds like she is really craving attention that she doesn't feel she is getting from anyone. If she is throwing a tantrum, she has your attention (even bad attention is attention). Don't give her the attention when she is acting out...say "G you can not act like that, if you are you need to go to your room until you can act properly". When she is acting appropriately (especially before a tantrum rather than after) praise her and give lots of positive attention....this applies to her father too and if possible her mother.
Her father should have a talk with her and not bring up you at all. He should tell her that he loves her very much and knows their lifestyle has changed but it is for the better. He needs to explain that her tantrums and poor manners are unacceptable and need to stop immediately...they upset the whole family and that is not ok. This would be a good time for him to ask her why she does that (my guess is she has learned it from someone) and see what she thinks she is accomplishing. Then he can offer acceptable alternatives to reach the desired outcome (my guess is attention).
One thing first is don't ever give her any more gifts or when she throw temper tantrum you need to send her to her room.Also make a house rule that each time she is being mean for no reason or rude in whatever manner,you get to take away things one by one.Also make sure you include the increase for activities in her routine so she will be exhausted in focusing on those things and not enough energy on you.I hate to say it but kids now a these day have way too much things on TV and too many adults let them get away with anything.Growing up with a family that is out of touch for such a long time like her's is not a good thing.You might have to be a bad guy for awhile but you need to hold your ground.Kids at this age with a parent that seem to be out of touch can give anyone new a whiplash.Also she is at that age where she will test the water and it seem that she had succeeded many times with her own parents.If she keep this up ,her life in the future will be a waste for potentially smart child.She needs to have someone else jump in and redirect her being.I hate to say it that her biological mom ain't going to do it.Some parents are not great at this job but they tried their best so I am not going to get down on her.Whatever you do make sure you refocus her energy else where other then inside the house.The punishment should be something that is practice on a regular basis.I might sound a bit harsh but this seem unacceptable behavior and it does not help when she is the only child so there are no other kids to make a good example of.Another thing you can do is do some reseach and go see a specialist and I am sure that you will get some better ideas.Good Luck!
it sounds like you are an incredibly positive influence! Keep up what your doing and remember your own words "she's a spoiled brat and gets away with this at her mothers." all you can really do is continue to support one anothers decisions and show her it's not going to change. Consistency is the key! I definetely would not give up on her. She's just feeling the hurt of the change. Stand your ground exactly the way you are with love and communication. She will eventually come around. Maybe you and her should have some QT of your own without dad around. And schedule it regularly. It's important for her to get to know you for you and not the woman who changed her dad. Trust me, I'm a stepmom too! I've been thrown under the bus billions of times but as long as your boyfriend makes sure to let her know the decisions are his as much as yours then you will be fine! There is light at the end of the tunnel!
