Moving Back to Texas

Hi J.,
That is a tough situation. My husband and I moved away from family about many years earlier. Which was really great for us and our relationship. Both side of the family were way to involved in our everyday life and way too manipulative and was creating problems in our relationship.
Moving helped us establish a stronger relationship with each other. We have grown and changed so much since then, and now have a 17 month old daughter. That has really changed our relationships with the family. But the great thing is we don't live close to those families. We have actually seen our folks more now since she was born than ever before. My folks even bought a webcam and get online to visit with my daughter every change they get.
Definatly get your dad repaid asap because that does come with ties. It will free you up financially and emotionally. Also, remember you can't control other people. You have a husband and you two need to make these decisions together, without the influence of other family.
One of my favorite scripture verses is, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.
I like this one in times like this, trust in the Lord and He will direct your paths. You can find peace in that He is the director of your life. I don't know what I would do without the Lord in my life. He loves marriages and He loves families, I would be in prayer about this whole situation and ask the Lord for guidance with your dad, too.
Hope this helps.

J., please listen to me when I say that you have to make you and your little family happy.
Life is too short to fret about what our family will do when we make decisions for our own life.
your father should want you to be happy and do what is best for yourself, your husband and children and not be so selfish.
If it come to a choice between your father and your family in SLC and your husband and children, then who wins??I wouldn't get into a fight with your father, I would just tell him how it is and he needs to deal with it.
And then walk away and don't listen to his emotional outburst.
I know it is hard honey, but you will better off in the long run.
Believe me I know how it goes.
I let my family dictate my life to me and it always ended bad.
Especially when I knew my decision should have been for myself and my children.
So good luck

My husband graduated from college in December of 2006. We stayed in the area because we thought we wanted to be close to our friends, church, and Colorado was central to our families that live in TX and AZ. It was really easy to go visit both sets of parents and siblings. But the job and community situations just weren't working out and my husband had a great job offer in small town Montana. Our daughter was due in May of 2007 and we planned to move at the end of June when our lease was up. My husband's mom threw an absolute fit! She is a flight attendent with American and there is only one airport in any surrounding states including MT that has American and it's seasonal plus a 6 hour drive to our house. She was upset because she was never going to get to see us as much as SHE wanted to because she just couldn't afford to buy a ticket and really didn't want us to move. She even threw out there that my family wasn't as important as her coming to visit when I mentioned she could buy a plane ticket like everyone else. This added a lot of stress right before the birth of our first child. But we prayed about it and felt we were doing the right thing. Now we have a great house, a great paying job that my husband loves, and we have more close friends here than we ever did in CO. We are happier and feel that the environment is much better for our daughter. And my husband's mom found out she can still get up here every other month since American has deals with other airlines. You and your family need to do what is best for your family. I'm sorry your dad is acting that way. My husband's mom did the same thing with not talking to us for days, then sending nasty emails and refusing to pick up the phone if we would call to tell her something. She was trying so hard to make my husband feel like he was abandoning her and she was laying on the poor me guilt trip pretty hard. But we ignored her and we are much happier for it. She still makes comments once in a while but we know just to ignore her now and my daughter still is getting to know her grandparents and other relatives. It turns out we had moved close to some other relatives that my husband and I hadn't seen since we were kids. It will all work out for the best.

How about writing a nice note for your parents to give them when you tell them about the move? This way if they stop listening (get angry, etc.) they can read your card over and over that tells them how much you love them, how wonderful the time has been living near them, how you need to choose what's best for your family and know they will be understanding, and how much fun it will be when they visit. Say it nicely, then move on with life and they will catch up, don't worry!

Hi J.,

I don't see that there is much you can do to change someone else's poor reaction to the news of your move. To give your Dad credit, I bet it's because he loves you and doesn't want to see you go. Ultimately, take heart in doing what's best for your immediate family and let your Dad sort out the anger he feels.

Kind regards,
K.

I am of the STRONG opinion, your immediate family takes priority, as in your hubby and children. Extended family is just that, extended. Yes, they can play a valuable part in our children's lives when it's a healthy part. Being angry at someone for making a decision in their best interest, and not talking to them is not healthy. As for the money issue, you have control over whether or not you let what he says about that bother you. He may hold it over your head but you know you paid it off, don't let his manipulation get to you.

You should tell your family together, let them know it might not be something they like but you would love their support in carrying out a decision which was made in the best interest of your little family. Let them know you love them, but you also love your little family, and feel it would be best right now. If they are angry, then that is their choice to act that way and you choose how you respond to their actions. You can do this and it sounds like it will be wonderful for you and you family. Good luck!

Hi J.,
We moved here from Ca. and after 6 mo. wanted to move back too. It took me a long time to adjust. My family all lives here too. It takes time to make friends but you have to put yourself out there. Have dinner parties, game nights etc. I'm getting the feeling that your dad really needs you here maybe for reasons you don't understand yet. Have you tried to talk to him reasonably? I know as my kids get older I think about them living away from me and even though I know it's inevitable. I would really prefer to have them around me. I don't agree with his tactics, they seem a little desperate. That's what makes me think there's another reason. It's not the $.
It doesn't sound like your husband has this amazing job offer. Sometimes your family and their support is more important than making more $. Moving costs alot of $ and getting established again is a pain.
I don't know your circumstances, it's just an outsiders view looking in. My experience tells me to make the best of it here. I know Fondell in Lehi, is looking for people if your husband isn't happy where he's at. But with the way the world is it's better to stay by your family, even with the drama. Everyone's family has drama, but as long as it's not the kind of drama that's harmful to your marriage or children, they come first. I guess that's what you need to decide. If you can't watch your sister's kids anymore just tell her, that's pretty stressful and really has you strapped to the family and it's drama.
Living by your family can sometimes be a sacrifice but it's determining if it's worth it. Usually it is.
My parents and 2 sisters now live in Ca. isn't that ironic? I move here they move there. I still have a brother that lives here that we see once in a while and it's a good thing. We think about moving back but our kids are too old right now and the schools out there scare me. You have to take all of that into consideration. Im sure you have thought of everything. Good Luck H. G.

You have to stand strong! Your dad will get over it. You have to make them see that you are doing this for the sake of YOUR family. That is the bottom line. In SALC I am sure your sister will beable to find another sitter. Just remember you have to do what is best for you and your family!!! I was sick when my son and his family moved away, but it was better for their family and I missed them very much!!

Hi! I just read about your situation... I say do what is right for you and your family(move to where there is more $$ and more friends for you)you can't live your life how your dad wants you to, you will never be happy. you need to go where it is best for you, your husband, and your children. period. your dad will come around, any good parent just wants their own kids to be happy. He will see this makes you happier and eventually come around, he will not want to estrange himself from you forever, this would mean not seeing those most important to him, including those precious babies.Take the chance, you will forever kick yourself if you don't. lots of luck, S. in CO .wife and mom to 2 boys ages 8 & 5

Hi there,
In my opinion, you need to do what you and your husband feel is the right to do. You are married to each other, you're a team. "Cleave unto eachother" and none else. You need to trust that union, and make the major decisions together(like moving), then do what you feel is right with confidence. Make sure that your decision is right....everything should fall into place if it is! Everyone else will understand, if not now...they will eventually. Be sure to keep in touch as much as you can through emails or phone calls. The extended family relationship is very important too. But you and your husband need to make the decisions. Your relationship and the decisions you make are private.

Hi J.,
I think you're doing a great job of joining your husband and supporting this move. I know it's hard to make these kinds of choices, especially when you have a loud, controlling extended family (I can totally relate). The thing is, your FAMILY is your husband and children now. They are what matter and it's your lives together that counts. When you get married, everyone else becomes secondary. That may sound harsh. But it sounds like your father in particular has not really let go of his little girl. He's not in charge of you anymore and it's not his place to tell you OR your husband what you should be doing with your lives. Dads have a lot of influence over their children even into adulthood, but my advice is that you lovingly and firmly stand up to him and tell him that you trust your husband, you're standing with him and that you have both agreed that this is best for the two of you and your children; and make sure you let your dad know that you still love him and want him to be a part of your lives and hope that he can respect you as adults to make the right decisions for your family. Believe me, you'll make your husband's heart soar to know that you stand with him and respect him as a man; and it may tick your dad off, but it will greatly strengthen your marriage.

Tell your Dad your an adult and your responsibility is to do what is best for your family including your husband and he wants to move! Thank him for all his wonderful help but that your family has made this decision and that is that! If he insists causing drama tell him you love him but you will have to limit contact until he can pull himself together becasue it is not healthy for the kids to see adults interacting this way! Basically just put your foot down! He is manipulating you becasue he knows he can all you have to do is set some boundries and stick to them!

(I didn't say it wouldn't suck! lol)

Hi J.,

Trust me, I've been there. We've moved several times in my life. Just remember what the Lord says. When you get married, cling to your husband and release your parents. Same goes with your husband. You both are grown adults and happily married. If your parents truly desire to live near their grandchildren, THEY will do the moving. I know many grandparents who left everything to be near their grandchildren no matter how many times they moved around. No matter what, cling to your husband and his decisions. Starting over isn't the greatest thing, but you can make it the greatest thing. When my ex and I moved back to my home town with all my family and siblings and their tons of kids, there was sooooo much drama. The drama eventually took a major toll in our marriage and we are no longer together. Trust me, living near family can be beneficial, but it can also be exhausting and you loose focus on YOUR OWN family. I will pray for you and your family. Be bold, strong and secure in yourself knowing that you're a wonderful mother and wife and TELL your father and mother how it will be with boldness. Let them know that no matter what, you all need to do what's best for your family, and that they can either choose to support you all or not. Be bold in love....it works everytime because they see the security in you! Trust me, they'll be upset at first, but realize that YOU WERE right! God bless you and yours.......L. ;)

Talk to your mom privately about the move as well as your concerns about telling your father. She's know the best way to break it to him.

Also, might your dad have diabetes? Just before my dad was diagnosed w/ diabetes, he would have episodes where he'd be totally unreasonable without realizing he was doing it. This was totally abnormal for him. We didn't even realize it could be a symptom until we talked to other families who'd noticed the same thing in their diabetic loved one. I guess it happens when their insulin levels are completely out of whack.

J.,
I was in a simular bind, and came to realize that my family unit comes first. and my parents could no longer make my dicisions for me. I am a wife and mother of 3 girls. relocating was hard but it was the best thing i could do. if you are not happy in Utah, go home to Texas. i went from AZ, to CO. i am so much happier. with or without the familys permission.

do what you feel is best for your family.

E. P
happy in Colorado!

A friend of mine went through the same thing and she told her family that they are doing this for her and her family and if they can't support her then she doesn't want to hear it. She left it at that and her whole family have been there to help her get packed. Her Mom was her problem and she has been there the most. Just tell your dad that you have to do what's best for "your family" that's it. Hope I helped a little

It sounds like your question is more about how to deal with the fallout of announcing your decision to move to your familiy -- not about whether or not to move.

If your father is the main problem here, I would run to Mommy... get her up to speed on why you've made your choice to move and then she'll help you with your dad. Sounds like you've made the right choice for your family, and your dad will forgive you in time.

Good luck!

Wow, you definitely have a tough one here. If this were me I would stand up for my choice I made with my husband to move back. You have to do what's best for you. I would tell my dad and the rest of the family that we appreciate everything they did for us. We were glad to spend the time here that we did but now we have made a decision to do what's best for our own family and that we hope that others will respect our choice. There really isn't anything you can do to make your dad change his ways. Perhaps you could email him and ask him to explain why he is so angry.
Just be proud of yourself even though it's hard. Good luck!!

You, your husband and your children are your immediate family now. You need to choose what is best for all of you...whether that is staying in UT or moving back to TX. Although parents may not like their grown children's decisions, the fact is that you are grown. And probably...they made some decisions for their family (when you were little) that their parents didn't like.

My husband and I moved from Michigan to Colorado five years ago...and since had a beautiful little boy who is nearly two now. Our family isn't overjoyed that they are so far away..but we visit a couple times a year and they try to come here when they can too. We also talk on the phone and recently bought a web cam, which is fun to use with the grandparents. :o)

Someone else said "life is short" and that is so true. Try to live life without regrets. :o) Be happy. Do what you believe is best, that's all you can do.

good luck

Hi J., Yes....follow your husband!! He is the head of your household (not your father), and you are your husbands helpmate....a team you two are. This is a team of two, not three or more. There are good reasons to be around family...there are pros and cons. With such a dominating father, it might be best for you and your hubby to move back to Dallas where you can be independent and run your own lives. I'm a mother of 5 and a grandmother of 14. Never, never would I put such emotional hardships on any of my children as your father has. I'd never withdraw from them if they didn't do what pleased me. You will do well having your father at a distance, and your marriage will be stronger. How to tell him?? Well, you are a married adult. Just tell him what you and your husband have decided to do. Tell him you love him, but 'this is our decision'...and...leave it at that. No discussing it further with him. Leave if he verbally attacks. Blessings to you!

J., I'm not sure how to say what I feel, so please bear with me. There are always to sides to a story. Put your self in your Dad's place. Even though you paid him back, he fronted the money to help you move here. Why would you move her to only move back? Have you sat down and really talked to your Dad, got his feedback. Really talk to him. Let him express himself. But also go to him with facts of why it is better in Dallas for your husband than it is here. He may have insite that you have not thought of. If he gets angry, than just sit there and be patient, ask him to stay calm and discuss this. You want to hear his side and his point of view. Thank him for all the help he put out in the first place. Even parents need to be appreciated. Take with you your pros and cons list. Maybe he will think differently. If he wants you to stay, maybe he will help, not financially, but emotionally. Express to him why it wasn't what you had hoped. But know that your experience there is past. You will make new experiences. If he is into email, than email him a letter. This will give him time to think about it. But be reasonable yourself.

An example I have for you is a situation I had with my own husband. We were having communication difficulties and we were both so stressed with work, home, and kids that we couldn't see past the end of our noses to see that the other was struggling also. I emailed him a letter telling him how much I loved him and everything that I appreciated that he did do around the house and with the kids. In reality, I was angry, I wanted to send him an email to tell him everything that I thought was wrong in our marriage and with him. It took me hours to write this letter because when you are that angry it is hard to see anything positive. He was so shocked by the letter, that he came home and was positive himself. He also started to listen to what I needed. It opened up the way for a wonderful talk that fixed a lot of our problems, but I was able to also listen to why he was having problems.

I know that you know for yourself that this is what your family needs, but think about your own kids, and put yourself in your parents place. Would you like one of your kids to up and move some 2-3 days drive away with no explanation that makes since to you? We have moved 9 times in my 11 year old daughters life. Some with in the state, some out of state. Each time we move (however so little), we talk to both parents to see if they see something that we don't. When we moved out of state, my in-laws were furious. But after talking to them and having a no child around to listen talk, they understood why were were making the move. We moved back a few years ago, and you know the other day, my father-in-law asked when we were going to move again because he really enjoyed the vacations he had while we were out of state.

Good luck and remember, there are always two sides to the story. What is his side?

You should do what's best for your kids, and family is VERY important. Of course, this assumes the family is sane. If they're nuts, then you should move away from them.

It can take a long time to make friends. I have lived in a new town for almost 3 years and I'm just now making them. You have to make a big effort.

your dad may be afraid of not seeing his grandaughters as much. Invite them to come to Dallas to visit and promise to come back to Salt Lake to visit to. That may help some

hey honey,
having just moved from Ohio to Denver six months ago with a year and a half year old, and having grown up with parental issues, I think I have some advice you can use, but listen to your heart above all.
First-you need to be in a space that you feel is home and where you have community. This doesn't mean near your parents, especially if they manipulate you. If you are going back to a place that you feel is your home, you are not completely starting over, but be very careful not to expect things to be the same as they were when you left.
Second-be in a place where you owe your father nothing. Repay all the money you owe him if you can, or promise you will later. His gifts to you are coming from a place of control and manipulation to get what he wants, and not for your well-being. If he ever offers money again, no matter how tempting, don't accept. Thank him, but tell him you need to do it on your own. A hostile family environment is not a healthy place to raise your children. You need strong boundaries with a manipulator.
Third-this is tricky. Try to explain that you need to do what is best for your marriage and children, and that you still love them deeply.
Most of all-pray pray pray!

I think you should stay put. The market for housing and custom builds in Provo and SLC is much better than Dallas. The grass is never greener and moving around should only strengthen you. Utah is beautiful and for the most part the people are friendly. I do however sympathize with you as I know trying to break into a clique is tough. Suck it up and work it out. When the time is right and you can do things easily, an opportunity will present itself. As for your dad, he should realize that if he didn't WANT to loan you the money, he didn't HAVE to, he needs to suck it up too!

Follow your heart. Let your dad deal with his dysfuntion. It is always good to stay away from commitments where you owe someone. They go into control mode. Do what is best for your family, not your dad!

Be Filled with Light and Peace and Clairity!