What Would You Do - Stay Closer to the Father, or Move Closer to Family...

When I was leaving my husband the plan was to move the kids and myself back to where my mother is. My husband started looking to see if he could get transferred closer to where we were doing to be.

if you only want positive feedback you probably shouldn't have posted. everyone will have their own opinions, and while most of us will try to be respectful, we have a right to disagree with you.

and i am really not trying to be rude, but i have to say, the phrase "my lovely husband moved our family here" just really left a bad taste in my mouth and i'm going to show you respect as i would any girlfriend and be honest with you - you were in that relationship too. he didn't "do this to you". you made the choice to go with him - and at some point you made the choice to put your kids in this situation.

i understand you've chosen to divorce him so your loyalty and charity towards him have completely jumped ship, just keep in mind it takes two and you were there.

as someone said, you took your kids away from family before, so why is it such a dilemma now? i think if you are honest, this is less about what's good for the kids, and more about you being scared, and doing this on your own now, and looking for help. that makes total sense. but you really have to do what's best for the kids. moving them across the country away from their dad doesn't sound like it would be, to me.

he's already spending time with them, even though he can't have them sleep over. sounds to me like he is trying. why would you take that away from him and the kids?

if you are worried that he will slack off...i would say, if you have yet to sign the divorce papers, make sure your kids are protected as far as their time with dad, and his financial responsibility. you will have just as much help, if not more because he will spend time with them away from your home, than you did before.

it is fine to have regrets and realize choices YOU made may not have been best, but beware when going through something like this, of placing the blame on him. your kids will pick up on that. regardless of where you live, it won't matter, if you are bitter and resentful towards their dad. in fact, i'd say, with your attitude, moving away from their dad will make it infinitely worse on your kids. not only will they be upset and hurt over the divorce - they will see you as the bad guy, for taking them away from him. just something to think about.

i'm sorry you and your husband chose not to stay together. but remember, YOU and HE made these choices, together. your kids didn't get a choice in this, and your kids don't feel the way you do about him. and they shouldn't be hurt over this any more than necessary.

I've not been in that situation, and I don't know how old your kids are.... I also don't know your situation.

However.... if he is wanting to be an "involved" dad, how could he be involved in his kids lives if he is half a continent away? He wouldn't be able to go to their athletic events, school events, music programs, etc....

Most experts advise staying in the same area as the father.... so he CAN be an important part of their life.

Sorry you're going through this. Your question sounds very angry, even toward people here -- admonishing us not to talk about laws or give anything negative.

The bottom line is, nothing we say here will trump laws, so it may not matter. Personally, I'd stay by their father. Yes, you miss family, but that's life and the father comes first, and the court will probably agree. My family is intact and we live far from family. That's life. But they need their father in their lives, especially as he's being active with them.

ETA: Couldn't agree more with Adansmama, from first word to last.

I have shared custody with my ex and living near each other has been the best thing for us. I do believe that it's more important for the kids to have access to their dad (and vice versa) than the extended family.
Honestly, we both wanted to be in our son's life so much that our divorce decree states that if the other one moves more than 30 miles away, they forfeit custody to the other parent. That may seem extreme but with our arrangement, that has never been an issue and we each have our son daily. We are fortunate to have an amicable divorce, too.

Is dad voluntarily taking the kids when he takes them, or is he doing it because you've pushed/asked him to?

A friend of mine recently went through a divorce and I recommended to her that she move back to be closer to her family. She did not, partly to stay closer to the kids' dad, and he has only ever taken them when she's insisted on it or when she happens to mention something that she and the kids were going to do for fun, then all of a sudden he wants to take them for the day or weekend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're having to push him to spend time with his kids as it is, you would probably be better off moving back to be closer to your family. If he is involved of his own accord and is a good dad (despite the fact that the two of you were unable to make things work) then I would say you should probably stay put.

I am sorry you and your kids are going through this! While I agree that having family support/involvement is important, having Dad around is more important. Even if he doesn't live up to 50/50, it is his choice and your kids will eventually realize that. But if you move them away from Dad, they will resent you for it and blame you for it and rebel against it in my opinion. Good luck!

You've gotten great advice from the ladies down below. I'll add my personal situation in case it helps you put yours in perspective. I'm from New York. Love it there, would live there in a heartbeat. My entire huge wonderful family is there. I miss them. Seven years ago my husband and I moved to New Mexico. It's not near New York (obviously). We had two kids. Now we're getting divorced.

I would like more than anything to move back to New York, but I can't... for two reasons. First, the laws in almost every state now explicitly spell out that a parent can't move the kids without the consent of the other parent. And my soon-to-be-ex won't consent. He loves his kids and doesn't want to live half way across the country from them. That's the first reason. The second reason is related, but different. My ex loves his kids and he's a good dad. They have a great relationship with him. And as much as I'd prefer that my kids have more time with grandparents and aunts and uncles, they have a relationship with their dad and it wouldn't be fair to ruin that. It would be in *my* best interest, but not theirs.

So there you have it. You're a big girl, you can handle both positive and negative feedback. I'm sure mine is some of both. For me it all comes down to: take the emotions out of what you're asking. Then you can determine if it's better for your kids to continue their relationship with their father, or if it's better to live further from him and change that relationship. Of course... before you do that, figure out if your ex will even let you move. If he won't, there's no need to worry about this!

First, sorry your are going through this. I guess my first question would be is this even an option? Is your ex going to allow it, and is it legally possible. I know in some situations the father can protest the children moving out of state. So I guess I would find that out first before making yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Legally the decision may be made for you. I get what you are saying because my mom and dad divorced after 20 years of marriage when we relocated to Florida, my mother hated it and my father loved it and is still living there. My mom, brother and I moved back to NJ because my mother wanted to be near her family after the divorce. I will tell you I DO NOT have a close relationship with my dad, I was 16 when we they divorced, and I am 53 now. Our relationship is very poor, my dad isn't the warmest person so I am not sure if things would have been different if we lived closer or the same. It is def a valid question to ask yourself, if taking them away from their dad will hurt their relationship, and which relationships do you think are more important to your children, one with their dad, or one with your family. I don't think there is an easy answer here. Someone always suffers in divorce. In a long distance relationship with their dad the children will suffer to a degree, and if you stay close you will sacrifice. Tough call, I think you have some hard thinking to do.. Get the legalities first before you move forward with any decisions. Best of luck!!

I'm so sorry. What a very tough spot to be in.

I would say that you should do whatever would be easiest on your kids. I would tend to think that would be staying in your current area for the time being.

That being said, do you have better financial prospects in 1 area versus the other?

Does your husband have a strong preference and a good relationship with your kids?

I think staying in your area and renting a place for a year would be a good start. Actually, my husband and I recently became landlords, and both of our townhomes are rented out to newly divorced men who wanted to stay within a few miles of their ex-wives' homes to lessen the difficulty for their kids.

Big hug--must be so hard, especially without your family to lean on.

For the sake of your kids, don't take them away from their dad. I understand wanting to be near your family but he is their dad. He sounds like a dad that is engaged in their lives.

Ok, I think people are being a little harsh on you here. They don't know you're back story and are assuming. Usually not a good idea.

I get it. My husband got a great job 1000 miles away from both of our families. I don't get why people are saying, you chose to move with him. OF COURSE you chose to move down with him, he was your husband! Duh. Maybe everything was fine in your marriage when you came down. Now, not so much.

If my husband and I were to divorce now, I would be in the exact same spot you are. I would want to go home, the only reason I moved here was because my husband got a job here. I really don't have anything else to tie me here, and would gladly move back if we had that opportunity.

However, I know how much my daughter adores her father. As long as he was involved, I would never want to take that away from her.

I think as long as he remains involved, then it's probably best for you guys to stay near. It sucks, I know it would suck for me, but I think it would be best for my daughter.

Now if he ever start shirking his duties and barely seeing her, then I would be back home in a heart beat.

So sorry, you are going through this and even more sorry that people are making assumptions about you.

This is totally your call, but you weren't worried about family seeing your kids grow up while you were married, so why are you now? It's a very hard choice to make, I'm just asking questions for you to ask yourself, if you haven't already.

How old are the kids? I think at this point, they may resent you for moving them away from their dad. It's great to have the help a few times a week and when he gets more established on weekends. How is your relationship with your ex?

Maybe you could go visit home for a couple of weeks just to see how the kids react and how you feel?

i'd give it just aused little longer to see if he's going to get more involved (and talk to him about it. if he knows you're thinking of moving, maybe he'll step up to the plate more.) if staying there means the kids get plenty of good time with a loving, focused father, i'd suck it up and stay.
but if you're going to be stuck doing most of it on your own, go back to your support system.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

I agree with LoveTeachingMath -- only you know the answer to the question she posed, which is "Does HE willingly want to be with the kids and want a strong presence in their lives -- or do you have to push him to see them?"

The divorce is so new that you might want to wait a while to see if he is going to step up and be a very involved dad in this situation. If he is, then I'd stay put. If he is not-- if you have to wrangle over every visit, if he seems reluctant all the time to take the kids, if he doesn't ever come to a school conference, if he isn't interested in attending their events/games/other things they do -- then I'd seriously look into moving. But it will take time to figure all that out. I would not move now.

Of course a job for you is key here; if you have a good one where you are or can get a good one where you are now, but moving back near relatives would mean a less stable job market for you back East, then that is a major factor.

My friend moved three hours away (from one state to another) from where she and her ex had lived because she got a terrific job -- right in her old hometown and she got a house one block from her parents' home. The ex very grudgingly moved up there too and did not fight her over the move (though at first he made noises that he might fight it in court, he never did). It has worked out very well for them all in the end but he did move there -- and it wasn't thousands of miles to move.

The other thing to ask yourself: Are you already close to and getting moral support from your family out East? If you are not -- just moving back there may not be as supportive as you think. I would not want to move and then find that I really did not have any help from family because relatives' work schedules, grandparents' health issues, sibling issues got in the way. So don't flee back East too fast, not until you really know what day to day life would be like with your relatives around you. They may welcome you but not be available to help you out with their time. Not saying they dont' love you, just that the logistics of having you and your kids in the area may not be what you expect.

Sorry to see others are bashing you here for daring to blame your husband for the move to Texas or daring even to divorce him. Geez. Let's stick to the question at hand, folks, and cool the judging.

I wouldn't move yet. The separation, divorce and change in custody will be a lot for the kids to handle and adjust to. I don't think moving them away from their dad and all of their friends at the same time is the best idea. I'd stay local for awhile, rather than changing everything all at once.

I can totally understand wanting to be close to your family, especially since the only reason you live where you do is because it's what your husband wanted. I think in a couple of years, you might be in a better position to move.

Give their dad a chance to be active in their lives, even if he's not living in the same house.

Knowing their dad would be more important to me. I don't know how old your kids are so that would make a difference. If they were tweens or teens then the move would be okay, they could fly to be with him on all the holidays, spring break, all summer, etc....but if they're younger they deserve to have their dad.

I would imagine he would have some say in where they live too.

It depends on a lot of things. Was the breakup mutual? Does your kids' father plan on staying in this town forever?

I believe in keeping kids close to their fathers, but if the father breaks up his marriage in some way and then expects you and the kids to follow him around the earth, well, that's not going to happen.

My ex, for example, had an affair and wanted a divorce when my baby was one, so I took the baby and moved back across the country where I had come from.

You say you know the laws, so what are they? If he wants partial custody that means you must stay within a certain mileage limit, right?
Since you agreed as wife to move away (I assume he didn't kidnap you) now you must decide what matters most to you and your children.
Are kids in school, do you/they have friends and/or ties to the area?
How important is family to you and your children?
For me, MY family is NO help, actually a burden, but my inlaws are awesome (and would be awesome even in case of divorce) so that would be worth considering.
Lots of things to consider here, if you gave some more details I think we could be more helpful :-)

What is your custody agreement? In general a judge will not just allow a parent (even the custodial one) to just up and move a distance that will make parenting difficult or impossible for the other parent. I think that unless he is abusive, having a father is more important to your kids than having grandparents, cousins, etc. Would your ex consider relocating to the east coast as well? You seem concerned about being near family. Your kid's dad IS their family, not a few aunts and cousins they see occasionally. I also don't know the ages of your parents. Are they even interested in 'helping' or do they simply want a relationship with their grandchildren. While my mom would love if we lived closer, I would NEVER presume that if we did, she would provide child care.

What is best for the kids? Will you have lots of support if you move near family? If so, I would go there. Since your husband is becoming an ex, he may not be as helpful in the future--even with the best co-parenting ideas. I would vote for family.

Doing what's best for the kids is important but doing what's best for you is important as well. If you are stressed being near Dad is not helping you. Your stress will affect your kids so maybe moving closer to home is in your kids best interest. Their Dad can either move back as well or have visitations during holidays, spring break and summer break. You need to decide what is best for you and your kids. Good luck!!

I have never been in your position, but I would think being a single mom with no family to help out would be very hard. I know it is importan for children to have a relationship with both parents, but I think I would move back to where my family was. He should understand that and if he cant handle it then maybe he should find a job and also move back to where there is family support. Good luck with whatever decision you make!