Need Some Serious Advice - About My Sick Father. What Do I Do ?

You can always wait until he can no longer take care of himself and then move down there for a month or 2 to take care of him. That way you can help him out in his time of need and only miss one semister of school.

I live in Michigan and you're right, it's pretty bad here now. Kudos to you for moving out of state. Honestly, I know you love your father, but YOU are an adult with a family, put YOUR family first. When you married, you took vows with your husband. This is your test to see how serious you take these vows. You left your parents to create your own family unit. Do not move to be near your dad if it is going to create problems in your marriage. It is easier for your dad to move to be near you since he doesn't seem to have ties like you do. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not intended to be as I can 100% relate to what you are going through. Frankly, your father is in the shape he is in because of the choices that he has made. Why should you and your family be punished for his choices? Shame on your dad for being so selfish and expecting you to change your life for him. You are a married woman with a life of your own now--take care of your home first. Here's where I'm coming from: My mom has dementia and my dad is deceased. I cannot take care of my mom and neither can my siblings. We placed her in an assisted living facility a year ago and she loves it. She has 24/7 care and people her own age to talk with. I did move my mom near me about 2 years ago and it was stressful. I had to cook, clean and care for her and she fought with me constantly as dementia patients will--I was spread too thin to care for my own family. I've learned that my family comes FIRST. I love my mom, but her living near or with me is no longer an option if it is at the expense of my family. See if you can talk to your dad's doctor or hospital to see what resources are available to him up in Michigan if he refuses to move near you. Your dad should also be taking an active role in his care and not expecting you to do everything either. I would sincerely have a heart to heart talk to him to explain where you and your husband stand in this situation. Also, there are some great resources available to the ill and elderly such as Comfortkeepers and other support services that are affordable. They can come in and check on him and do things that he can no longer do. Another great resource that I used for my mom and they are wonderful is: www.aplaceformom.com. This is one of life's most toughest decisions; when a child becomes a parent to their parents. I've also heard that Florida has some of the best hospitals and medical resources available since it has a huge senior population--so that's another great reason I would stress for your dad to move near you. You may even check into some of the resources out by you just so you have some selling power when trying to get him to move out by you.

Sending you lots of support and blessings,

M.

My initial reaction is you don't move! My next thought is that if you want to do it, it doesn't happen until you find jobs there. Jobs come first, then the move.
But back to my first thought. I've known people who moved to be close to ill family. The family member died sooner than expected and they wished they'd never moved.
This is probably harsh, but your dad needs to live with the consequences of his lifestyle choices. You shouldn't put your family's future at risk for him. Go see your minister to work through feelings of guilt.
Unless he's wealthy or has an insurance policy that pays for in home care, he will not be able to stay in the house until he dies. You can point that out to him when the time is right. If he can't stay in his home, then he can move to Florida if being near you is important to him.
He's probably scared. But that doesn't give him the right to make claims on you.
So sorry you're having to deal with this.

S. - the job market in Michigan is HORRIBLE!

I'm a big believer in the commandment to honor your father and mother - but I don't think that means you have to go down with the ship.

It sounds like your dad is a competent adult who has made alot of self-centered choices in his life - to drink, smoke, etc. And now he is choosing to dig in his heels about staying in his home. That's his CHOICE and it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Your priority has to be your daughter and the stability of her life. Think about it - would you do this to her when she's a new wife and mother?

Not to mention, you would welcome him with you in Florida - that is very gracious and wonderful of you as a daughter!

That being said, I do agree with A. R. that you need to pray about God's plan for your life. And please don't make any decisions out of mis-placed guilt.

Good luck - it's not easy.

As I'm sure you know, the job market in Michigan is horrible right now (I live in Texas and have met so many MI folks who are moving down here for jobs.) Having been a caregiver for my FIL....I would suggest you try to get him to move closer to you if possible...I don't think your husband realizes how much work it is to be a caregiver.

I'm very sorry that your father is in bad health.
A few thoughts:
1. Wait and see what the actual diagnosis is exactly. You really don't know yet if it is cancer.
2. Your father "doesn't want to go to a nursing home" and is O. of those "this is my home, I'm not going anywhere" kind of people. No O. WANTS to go to a nursing home, but sometimes it is the only option. It's always HIS option to come to FL to be with your family.
3. If he refuses to move to FL, then you need to decide on the pros/cons of moving there. Make a rational decision. Drinkers (is he an alcoholic?) can be very manipulative people so make sure you make the right decision for YOU.
4. If you don't move back, maybe between your brother, uncle, visiting nurses, hospice care (worst case scenario) and you going once per month or whenever you can, you can all stay "put" and still deal effectively with the situation.
I know this is hard. I wish you the best.

I am outraged at the amount of people who are telling you that because he drank and smoked you should leave him to die alone.
I wonder how they will feel when their children do this to them?

I think this decision must be made after you get a prognosis and can tell how far along it is. My step-father (has been since I was 4) was diagnosed with emphysema a couple of years ago, and they fond a spot in his lung as well. They sent him to get another test done, and sure enough, no spot... seems that in chest xrays there is some bad positionings that cause a spot to seem to be there. Lucky for me. If you are not so lucky, and it is cancer, then make your decision for whats best for you. If you are close with your dad, it will be hard for you to live with yourself if he dies alone. If he is the reason you left Michigan, and your relationship wasn't great, then maybe visiting as often as you can is the best option.

Good luck to you, and my prayers are with you... just don't let anyone sway you either way... he is your father, and you have to do what YOU think is best.

I am sorry that you have to be dealing with this, and that your father is going through this. Maybe you'll get better news than your expecting...

Would it be possible for your father to move where you are, rather than you uprooting your family, and putting your entire lives on hold? It makes more sense to me that your father move where you are. Maybe it would be tough, maybe your accommodations are limited, maybe he doesn't want to move. But given your options, I think I'd rather have him move to me than me uproot my entire life to accommodate him. If he truly doesn't want to be in a nursing home, and you would feel the guilt of not being there when he needed you (as I'm sure most of us would), I'd tell him that his option is to come live with you. Maybe even if you need a bigger place, it might still be better for you and your family to find one where you are, than travelling all the way back to Michigan, where you don't want to be. Just my thoughts...

find out what you need to do to get his drs to talk directly to you. I don't know if dad needs to sign something or what.
I wouldn't move, This man made his choices, it doesn't sound like he has been all that good to you . But to ease my mind, i would agree to drive or fly back up at the end of each semester or somthing like that. And arrange nursing care for the times inbetween.

Good luck because this really stinks.

I recently received a quote that I feel is really powerful: Stop robbing others of their responsibilities.

I understand he is your father and he has created the situation he is in. You are now an adult with responsibilities for your own life as well. If your father chose to drink, chose to smoke, and chose not to prepare for ill health that is his responsibility.

Many people that have addictive behaviors are very good at abdicating their responsibilities and not living with the natural consequences of their lives. They feel everyone else should take care of them and they shouldn't have to face their choices. They will especially manipulate others that care deeply for them and "guilt-trip" them into "fixing" their mistake.

I would suspect that you have spent most of your life dealing with the consequences of your father's choices. I also know that there are some hard-core belief systems out there that state we should sacrifice everthing for our families no matter what. Could these beliefs be wrong? Could these beliefs be doing more harm than good in the long run? Were these beliefs passed on because of all the people that weren't willing to take responsibility for their own choices? Could there be a better set of beliefs? When do children get to be responsible for themselves? Aren't you the child and not the parent? (Although, I would suspect that you played parent more than child throughout your life)

I can only imagine the difficulty of dilemna you are in. I fully support women in caring for themselves first and foremost because we cannot give from an empty cup without harming ourselves. We must give only from the overflow. Right now, it sounds like you do not have the overflow that would be necessary to take on your father's consequences. You have a new husband, child, home, and education. That is a lot and I would guess that you already feel drained on a regular basis.

It is so hard when we are confronted with deep belief systems that state we are to sacrifice ourselves for others. I believe that the sacrificial lamb is just dead. There is no honor, glory, or reward for sacrifice. And in the long run, no one is really helped by us giving ourselves away.

I believe your choices need to concern you and your father's choices need to concern him. I really believe the world would be a much better place if each person only took care of their own responsibilities. When we are making others responsible we are blaming. When we take responsibility for others we feel guilt. Both of these are no-win situations.

Best wishes, T.

I really don't know how much I can help but I will tell you my "life". My dad was also a heavy drinker and smoker since he was 12. He left my mom when I was 16 and had VERY little communication with him as a result. you could say I "mourned" him then. We had little contact up until his alcohol related death. I did see him at the hospital for the last 2 days of his life, but I could not cry for him since I had already "mourned" him 10 years before his actual death (4 years ago).
I was living in Minnesota with my 3 and 1 year old and Hubby. His mom's diabetes had been getting worse and she was put on insulin, she lived in Texas. (my mom had already passed away, dad not yet but we didn't talk, hubbys dad passed when hubby was 9) and she was needing more help with everyday stuff, so hubby and I sat and discussed what would be best for our family: this was our list.
PRO:
1. The girls only have 1 grandma, they get to see her this way.
2. Hubby worked 12 hours a day 7 days on shift 3 days off, he would get to see the girls more (he missed both of their first steps he was at work)
3. We'd spend more time together as a family.
4. San Antonio felt more like "home" to us anyways.
CON:
1. We'd have to sell OUR home
2. Find new jobs
3. I'd have to go to work. ( i didnt work up there)

it had is pros and cons but to us it made sence to leave our house in Minnesota to move "home" to San Antonio.

I know this is hard but only you and your Husband can make this choice, I would not let anyone into guilting you to move. Think about it. I'm a good listener if you want to talk more.

Good luck in whatever you choose.
Christina

You are in a tough situation, my mom drank and smoked and of course ended up with heart problems, emphysema and a string of other issues. not to mention , despite having quit drinking (due to all the meds she was on) she was still what I call a DRY DRUNK........ in other words, her behavior was still self-centered, indignant and irrational at times.. actually, many times.. that said, she too needed assistance and didn't want to go into a care facility, I so very much didn't want her to either, BUT if push came to shove, we would have needed the help due to her illnesses..... I don't think you should up and move your life all the way across country, in fact if your dad would rather not go into a home, then perhaps he should take you up on the idea of moving to your home (if you really do in fact want that) Problem is, after so many years of drinking, I highly doubt he will go for it.... it might mean your having to put your foot down. In the end, I couldnt afford to have my mom stay with me, I had no way to pay for the 24 hour care she would have needed and her sister (for whom she hadn't spoken to in years and vice versa) refused to care for her... eventually, my mom passed but had she not, I would have been in a bind such as you and I knew I was going to have to have her stay in a state run place. I truly didn't want that, but again, you and your husband have offered your dad a place to live. Frankly, sick or not, I think you offered your dad a great deal when you said he could live with you... I mean c'mon, it's not his own home perse, but it is a home and with family. I understand wanting to stay in HIS home.. yet, as a father , he should also understand you are raising a family.... although, people who drink (especially the ones like my mom) don't understand that people have their own lives.. again, it's part of the self-centeredness that comes with drinking........ esp for those who do it all their lives.. stick to your guns. in my opinion, stay put.. dad can come live with you..
however, whatever you choose, I wish you the best.

S.,
My heart goes out to you & I can only tell you my experience & hope that it will help you in some way with yours. First of all, I am very sorry you are having to deal with this & make this decision.
I am utterly disgusted with the people that posted messages saying things along the lines of his creating the situation he is in or let him live with the consequences of his lifestyle choices! I suppose these people are perfect & have always made right decisions. Keep in mind, no matter what, you will be the one who has to deal with the choices you make in this situation. You have to be able live with or without regrets whatever path you choose. This man is your father, whether he chose the right decisions for himself or not, he is still your father.
My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in 2002. He was living alone at the time, he and my mom had divorced 10 years prior. At that time, I was a single parent to my 11-year old daughter and we had a house that I rented. When the time came that it was no longer safe for him to live alone, I asked that he let my daughter & I move back in so that I could care for him. I knew I would never want him to be in a nursing home. He told me he didnt want me to give up my life or make sacrifices because of him, but in the end, I know he was happy that I was there for him. We did have a nurse come in the afternoons when I left for work to stay with him during the week. I will not say that I have no regrets, but I am so thankful that I spent so much more time with him than I would have otherwise. We had alot of talks & I was holding his hand when he took his last breath & for that I will always be thankful. No one is perfect and no one makes all the right decisions, but your family is all you have in this world. It wasn't easy for me, I honestly don't know how I did it, but if I had it to do all over again, I would be there to take care of him again in a heartbeat. I understand your struggles with this decision. It sounds like your husband is supportive of you, I'm glad to hear. I was lucky enough to have an awesome boss at the time who told me "you aren't going to lose your job, but you are going to lose your dad, do all you can for him right now". I put my entire life on hold for a year, I knew it would be temporary, so for that year, my needs were put on the backburner. Of course, I took care of my daughter, I did my best to explain to her that grandpa was sick & right now we needed to take care of him. I know it wasn't easy for either of us, but we did it.
I am a firm believer in what goes around, comes around. It is probably easy for all of us to sit & say you should do this or you should do that. You are the one who will have to live with your decisions. Wait to see how his prognosis turns out, hopefully it will be better than you are expecting, I pray. You are right, this is a very huge decision. Talk with your dad, talk with his doctors, talk with your husband. Feel free to send a message to me if you'd like to. My prayers are with you and your family.
L.

It is hard I know. 9 years ago I was asked to care for my sisters grandchildren. The mother who is my nephews wife failed yet another drug test so the children were to be put in foster care. She stipulated that if I could or would not take them they were to go to foster care. So I had to say yes. I put my life on hold literally. I found myself one day alone starting a new life my children were all grown, living on their own. I had moved back home with my mom after my dad had died. She had just gotten remarried and moved out. Finally some peice and quite. Then I had a 22 month old and a 9 month old. They were very sick. That was in 2001. I wish that I could tell you that it was easy. Making the right decisions for them. I was never challenged for the rights to the kids, both parents, all grandparents were alcoholics or drug addicts. So no one challenged this because they just did not care. I have done what I felt was right and let my heart guide me in this endeavor. Let me mention, I hate this town. I was planning on moving closer to my children. God had another plan for me. Their mother had another baby in 2002. I was like Lord I cannot do another baby, I am too old.
when the baby was delivered the mom and him had drugs in their system. She lost custody of him and look I have my second set of children. My grandson died in 2003, while he was hooked up on machines, my baby boy was sick, a really high temperature. At that moment I realized why God had given me these children. Why at the lowest point in my life I wanted to die with my grandson, but wait....I had a sick baby at home he needed me. I knew that God knew the future and knew what I needed to help me carry on. You will know what to do. God will show you. Pray about it he moves things and you will see his answer. Find out all the services that are available to him to help him. Set up with a company to help get him the care he needs. Stay in touch as you are making this decision and you will see within a couple of days what God has in store for you. I just said a prayer for you that God will show you what you need to do.
ps. I go to online school. I can go anywhere to do my school work as long as I have an internet connection. I can even do my work at the library. Just a thought so that does not have to change.

How much family do you still have in michigan and the surrounding areas to support you emotionally? Do you have more family in Fla.?

When my uncle became ill he lived here in NY, his son in FL. So he moved to FL in an assisted living situation, that the care was at different levels. 1st level you take care of yourself as if you are living in your own apt, the only thing they do is call every morning at 10am to check if you are all right, and you are on your own. As he became more ill, he moved to another are of the community where he had a nurse visiting daily, and the level went up when he was bed ridden. If your dad is on medicade or has personal insurance this is doable. Otherwise he should still move to you. Your husband as kind as he is to suggest you go back for your dad, has not a clue how hard it will be both financially and emotionally especially for you to be the care giver and to live where you hate to be. First get the tests back. Secondly the care could definitly go on for several years and I think if that is the case you of course want to help your dad but it is better if he uproots himself not you and your whole family. best wishes to you and your family.

Hum, how to start.............first, found out what is really going on before you make any decision or even talk to your Dad about him moving. He is not going to make the move. My Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, he was a heavy smoker and drinker. I lived only 2 hours away from him. He lived 2 years after the treatment started. We didn't have a real good relationship to start with because he was a drinker. I only saw him when it was convenient for me. I had a husband and a baby to take care of, they were my family. I do have some guilt that I didn't see him more until he was on his last 6 months of life but he made it very difficult to love him. I would go and hold his hand and let him know I was there. The meds will also mess with his head and he will say things. Just remember it is the meds.
If your Dad is diagnosed with this and if you have a good relationship the decision will come. You will feel in your heart what is right for you and your family. If anything you will make more trips "home" on the weekends to check in on him. If you decide not to make the move home he will say things to you that will hurt your feelings but you have to understand that he his hurting too.
I really hope the doc comes back with the best of news and that it is treatable. My Dad was to far gone when he started his treatment.
Many prayers to give you the strenght to be strong in all decisions.
And if you do get bad news, they have nurses that will come out to his house and help take care of him too. You do have several options.
If you need to vent or chat just send me a message. This is a tough road ahead.

Well I did have a similar situation. My father was an alcoholic and smoker his whole life and died from cehrrosis of the liver. He actually fell, broke his hip, had complications in the hospital and died all within about 3-4 weeks. My daughter was 7 weeks old. So...been there.

I honestly think that the bigger question here is your relationship with your father. The other stuff, although an issue to some degree, is really small potatoes. Have you had a realtionship with him or have you distanced yourself from him b/c of his lifestyle choices. As someone else said, if you're already mourned his loss then that should be a factor in what you decide. If you haven't, then you really do need to look closely at whether or not you can live the rest of your life with no regrets. Nights are long. Car rides give you too much time to think. If you cannot say that if he died tomorrow you would be okay with how things ended then you may need to make the move. If you have made peace and you would be okay, then I honestly think that's fine. Trust me I am not judging you either way, this is a very difficult position.

I have a lot to say/think about this b/c I feel my situation was similar and I know how hard it can be. If you wish to talk more about it please feel free to message me. Hang in there...it's not going to be easy.

Well sorry to say this but your father got himself into that situation from bad choices. You need to put your family first.

I am sure he knew that he was making bad choices his whole life. I am sure you had a diffucult childhood with him being a heavy drinker and smoker.

If you move home..you are putting your whole life on hold for him. When he would not even stop drinking or smoking for you growing up.

Could you see if there is a reasonable place for him to live close to you? Why should you be totally uprooted?