Need Advice on My Mom

You should lay down the laws and if she doesn't want to comply then she is on her own. If it was me I would tell my mom she is on her own. I couldn't help someone who doesn't respect me. Good luck!!!

It sounds to me like you are NOT be to harsh at all. She is being unreasonable. You are willing to let her live with you if she doesn't bring her dogs. If she really needs help, she'll take you up on it. Maybe just let her know that you love her and you are trying, that she is more than welcome to live with you without the dogs. Take it or leave it.

NO!! YOU ARE NOT BEING TOO HARSH!! You just stick to your guns girl! I am very sad to hear about the deterioration (sp??) of your relationship and I can sympathize with that. But she is trying to take advantage of you and if you fold on anything she will just try harder and harder on everything else! Besides the fact that this is not good for you, she sounds like she would be a very bad influence on your children. You don't want a manipulative person teaching them that. I don't mean to offend you and I hope I am not. We all have our 'not so great' things about us and I happen to have experience with manipulative people that are self sbsorbed. Good luck.
K.

I also am an only child and my husband's job is taking us to Italy, too far for close care. We are looking for options for my mom while we are here. There are some very nice retirement options now that were not available even a few years ago, at least not out west near us. Most will even allow pets these days. Usually you have to have a house to sell to move in, but it sounds like you mom would have enough from having sold her house. Yes, there are "old" people, but from what we've seen, there's also a lot of younger retirees in these places. Lots of activities, and many still work since they can and have a job they enjoy. You might be able to find something that she would like. Most of the places will let the "child" shop for the parent, although I would think the parent would have to agree. The places we've looked at have offered all the care needed once you have been accepted. A relief to single children like us. :) It really sounds like you need to stand you ground and help your mom get a place of her own. It doesn't sound like anyone would be happy with sharing. I know it's hard as an only child when you carry the whole burden of caring for your parent, but you also have to do what's best for your kids. You want them to have good memories of your mom, not stressful ones.

V., you are NOT being harsh. You want to protect yourself, and your home and your children. GOOD FOR YOU! Set your boundaries, if she cannot comply to them it is her problem. She's a grown woman, she can take care of herself, she can find a place to live. She was perfectly capable of getting online and meeting someone and moving across the country, of selling her home...of having and maintaining two dogs--get my point? She can take care of herself. It's my way or the highway is a sad message for a parent to send thier kids but sometimes we have to say, there is the road, you know where I live and I Love you. God Speed.
may I also suggest a book? it's called "how to hug a porcupine" my dad suggested it to me when I was having problems with my mom...I can't remember the author but it really helped.

V.,

In all seriousness, DO NOT move your mother in with you.

Your priority is YOUR family; Your husband and your children.

Your Mom had demonstrated in no uncertatin terms that she is selfish, impulsive, disconnected, and controlling. No offense, but those are the facts; she's living a "ME-centered" life.

Your Marriage and your children CANNOT, and should not have to, be forced to deal with then in their home. You home should be a safe dwelling for you and your family.

Yes, she's your Mom; by all means, help her move, BUT NOT to your home!! She's a vertual stranger to your children and I'm guessing you're not catering to any OTHER virtual stranger and rearranging your family's life, she's NO different dispite DNA.

Go ahead and look for houses, apartments, condos, etc...but she's a big girl who walked out of your life and is making demands she has no right to make. She is CLEARLY telling you what to expect. PLEASE take her seriously--not her WORDS, but her BEHAVIOR. Approach this relationship with CAUTION!

Lots of love to you and your family!

I am a mother of four small children, 14 months, 4,5,8. I was raised in a house where we had people living with us all the time because my parents felt sorry for other children who had rough lives and so they allowed them to live with us. I just recently had my husband's friend (both of ours now!) live with us for two years. My father in law at the same time lived with us for over a year, and the friends girlfriend stayed here for 4 months. I finally came to the conclusion that I am CRAZY! My children were not the focus of our household anymore, they were put on hold, overlooked and not given the attention they needed.
Months and months ago we told everyone they needed to get out on their own. One month ago my husband finally found them a place to rent, made the call, got the house rented and then moved them out the same day. We went as far as to give them bedding, towels and it all to get them out of our house. I really like these people but was getting to where I was going to hate them if they didn't leave.
Since they moved we all get along really good and my children are much, much happier. We are much more calm and family orientated again. The stress level was too much on all of us and I can tell you I will never allow this to happen again. By the way they all were here just to get on their feet a little bit and none of them did until we moved them to their feet across the road. I learned a very valuable lesson, helping people is great...from a distance. My children didn't ask to have their lives disrupted, they didn't ask to be shoved aside, they didn't ask for all the distractions, and they didn't ask to be put into a stressful situation that made everything ten times harder on them. Yes, there were many good things, but nothing compares to what they had to give up.
As far as your mother, if you can't even get along and she isn't living with you, you are crazy to think it will get better. Your children don't need the stress and your marriage will suffer and posibly not make it through the stress of you and your mother fighting all the time. Your mother left you and that isn't your fault. She is a big girl that sounds like she is acting like a child. If I were you I would tell her that you value your relationship too much to ruin it by moving her in. If you can I would help pay for a R.V. spot close by and work from there.
I can tell you from experience that your family should always come first and the fact that your mother doesn't respect the position she is putting you in by asking you to put your family in the position to be at odds with your neighbors is a posterboard sign that she isn't considerate of your families well being. She shouldn't dream of asking you to put your family in a bad spot to let her live on your property. I would tell her that you love her and are willing to work with her to make everything work out, but not where it is going to harm your own family.
Your husband should support you and what you are going through, but I can't believe this isn't a nightmare for him right now. No man wants his in laws living with him and especially a mother-in-law that acts like this. He and your children will be there for you long term and your mother has proven she can walk out without even a phone call to say good-bye. Please don't make the mistakes that I have. I know that my sibblings and I aren't nearly as close because of the people who lived with us growing up, and I know that my children are best friends that were growing apart because of the people living in our house. Now that they are all gone, they are getting along so much better.
Good luck, and I hope this works out for you and your entire family.

Dear V.,
First off I will say this, as grown children with families of our own, we DO NOT owe our parents ANYTHING, but respect, honor, and decency.

From what you said you have a rather young family. So your mom would probably be in her mid to late fifties would be my guess. Which is way too young to give up on life and move in with your daughter in my opinion. My mother is 75 and still works 3 days a week for an architecht. She lives all the way across the country from me. Our relationship has always been a rather troubled one, but she knows that I love her and if there ever was a need she could come stay here. But here's the rub on that, she would NEVER EXPECT me to take her in and change my life for her. And she would NEVER try to guilt me into it, or try to dictate how things were going to be in my own home, after she arrived. Having said all that.......

1) You have young children in your home, do you want a smoker living in it, or even in the backyard. I would think not. It sets a bad example.

2) You as a parent are supposed to be the authority figure in your home for your children. Your mother sounds like she will be calling the shots if she moves in. You CAN'T let that happen. It will confuse your children, undermine your authority, and divide your family. Besides your kids have not seen or heard from your mother in 7 years!!! Then she shows up and moves in?

3) You will now have five dogs to clean up after, instead of three. We only have one and that's messy enough for us. If she can pay to feed her 2 dogs she is obviously not broke, and has a means of income for herself and them.

4) Most communities have ordinances about RV's and Campers and such. This is just NOT an option. Besides if you don't let her smoke in your home, she will probably smoke in your RV. Then when you take the RV for a trip it will smell like cigarettes, and you would be removing HER HOME from the premises, that would spark other arguements as she would feel you were messing up HER environment.

5) She is obviously not good at being alone, so what happens when she starts bringing male friends to your home and expects you and your family to accept them and be gracious to them, even if you feel otherwise.

6) She obviously sees you as a free ride. What about rent, medical bills, food, gasoline, clothing and such? She should be willing to pay for these things for herself, or at least be a big contributer in these areas. YOUR family (you, your husband, and your children) come first, PERIOD. You have to provide these things for YOUR FAMILY, she should take care of herself on this.

7) What about internet use? She met her last husband online. Last I knew internet doesn't work well in RV's. So what happens in your home when she wants to corespond with folks on the internet? Do you give up you and your husband's and family's time on the internet to suit her? Are you willing to give up the internet rules and times that are designated for your family in deference to her? This is something to think about as well.

All this aside.........unless your mother is an invalid and not able to take care of herself (because of physical issues), you OWE her NOTHING, but respect, and decency. NOT a place to live, or money, or ANYTHING else. So don't let her guilt you into it. Leave the guilt behind, don't buy into it, and don't be bullied into it either. Your marriage and family are at stake here. Help her find her own place and space AWAY from yours. To me she sounds like a very very selfish woman, who is only thinking of herself, thus not informing you of her plans to move away without telling you, and therefore not wanting your opinion of her now deceased second husband. Why would you want or need her in your home? Near by? Maybe. Help her find her own place and space? Definitely. Help her find new friends? YES!! But HER SPACE, should NEVER be in YOUR space.

I hope I didn't offend, it wasn't my purpose. But you should not feel guilty AT ALL. Your mom's life is what SHE made it, NOT what YOU made it. Let her take care of herself, help where you can (find a place, counceling, friends and such), but she doesn't belong in your home.

Take care and God bless, let us know what happens.

i feel for your mom even though she is going about things all wrong. she has lost two loves and that must be devastating. i too was very close to my mom and a only child as well. i have not had to deal with a situation like yours as my mother died about 10 years ago. but if she was still around and in the position your mother is in, i know she would expect me to take her in. i think she would think of all she did for me as a child and hope that i would take her in with open arms and give her a special place in the house as thanks for all she had done for me. i am not saying that it is right of fair to think this way. but i can't help but wonder if i might feel the same way if i were in her shoes even if only for a moment. my point being, do what you think is right for your family(and your dogs) but do it gently. she may have made some bad choices in her life and she may be acting rude or pushy but if you had lost so much and you were in your retirement years with no real security, you might act a little crazy too. again i am not saying that her expectations are fair, but it may be a little easier to deal with the situation if you have a little grace. my mom did all sorts or crazy things while she was here and a little grace on my part let us have some great days before she was gone. hope this helps, N.

My DH always says family as house guests are like fish... they begin to smell after 3 days.

You already stated your answer in your post, you just don't have the confidence to maintain your personal boundaries. You don't need to be told that its okay to say no, you need to be told that its NOT okay to be a martyr. If you don't maintain your personal boundaries you will destroy whatever relationship you have left with your mother.

You will put your mother in a position of being a burden and having to feel not only your resentment but the resentment of her son-in-law and her grandchildren... why would you do that to her?

If you 'rescue' your poor widowed mother from living alone you cripple her independence. Sure, she may be thinking that she needs to live with you, that she can't live on her own... but she can, she just doesn't know it and she won't find out if you allow her and her dogs to move into your home.

People understand "no pets allowed", and they search for living situations that allow pets. Maybe she's guilting you because she has a long held resentment for you getting married. This is not healthy, don't participate in it.

I would help her find a place in the area to move. She doesn't want to fallow your rules but you still want her in your life. Help her anyway you can but stand your ground as far as the smoking and the dogs. Try to understand but don't let her put this guilt trip on you. You can not break the law to appease her.
Good Luck,
C. B

Hi V.,
My name is D.. From what I read about your issue with your Mom, it sounds like she's one of those many people that don't like to be alone and yes I think she should respect from what you asked of her if she wanted to move in with you and your family...if she doesn't like what you asked of her, then she needs to move on...there is always motel rooms that take pets.

Take Care,
D.

I add my agreement with the rest of the bunch. You have to make the decisions that are best for your "new" family. You can offer your mother love, but that's all you "owe" her. It's up to your mother to be responsible and take care of herself. She found a way after your father passed away; she can be resourceful again. You are not doing anything wrong!! I state this emphatically because I have had similar experiences with my mother. Very similar. And mine has become a matyr to boot! Ugh! My sister is the one who enables my mother. I refuse. They think I am mean, but I know I am not. I am doing what's financially and emotionally best for my family. If you do decide to stand up for yourself, the best advice I could possibly give is 'throw away any guilt.' If you open the door for the guilt to slip through, people will use it to make you miserable. Remember that we can control our feelings, but not those of others. That includes guilt. Good luck to you. And again, you are trying to do what's best for your husband and children (and most importantly, yourself), there is nothing wrong with that!! =)

I believe when your Mom left with this on line person she chose to be on her way with no care about what you felt . She made that choice for herself . If it were me I wouldn't give in to her . There must be a way for her to be financially on her own and visit at your home as a Grandmother and Mother but NOT MOVE IN . GOOD LUCK . I have heard stories before about parents trying to make a move into there childrens home , a visit okay but not a permanent situation .

You have every right to feel hurt by what she did. You have every right to ask her to follow the house rules when she is in your home. Be careful when you choose your words with her because it sounds like she is manipulative and will jump at any chance to TRY and make you feel guilty. Be sensitive to her NEEDS, she is probably hurting. Stand your ground. Just tell her how you feel and the reasons why you want to help her, but you can only do so much! You have a big family and they need you too! Do the kids get along with her? Your husband? I think you also need to come to an understand about how you and your mom feel about eachother too before you forgive and FORGET! Especially if you are a sahm! It would probably be torture for you to live together, until you work things out emotionally. It's hard for the child to meet the parent as adults. You sound like a strong woman with a good heart, I think you know what is right.

V.,
You are NOT harsh !!!
I know she is going through a very painful time, and she needs your presence, but you cannot sacrifice your and your family's life! In addition to being in a hard position after losing a dear friend of hers, :::
She is RUDE,to say thew least, in addition to being selfish, when she sets up terms for you and your family. This is not what needs to take place, whatever the background!!!
1.
You have children, and they are your primary task, responsibility and care.
Whatever you decide on YOUR FAMILY's territory, IS A LAW for her. If she does not agree, it's not your problem, but definitely hers.
2.
She is trying to get her way by pushing a feeling of guilt on you now: she accuses you of offending her, while you only state how life happy life!!!) is set up in your family. NO WAY! This is a common thing: she knows she is guilty of leaving you without a notice one day long ago even if she never talks about it now (she is still aware it was not nice), and now before you will tell her about how unlovingly she behaved once, she starts attacking you, hoping that you will get into defending mode: before even appearing on the pporch, she tries to dominate the house.
BU NO MEANS do not allow her dogs in, and do not let her live in your motor home, if the rule is such.
Tell her that she can come on your terms only, because you raise kids and you cannot interrupt the harmony of your family, with all your love towards her.
If she is such, go on using her own 'weapons':
explain her that if she will move the dogs in then the harmony of your family will be all messed up and as there are children growing then the priority of the conveniences goes to children's peace and happiness.
Explain her clearly that you do not think about your selfish comforts, but you have 4 kids behind in your care who you need to think about, first things first, so sorry Mom, I love you to death, come help us to raise happy generation, if you wish, or let's settle somewhere nearby without pressing issues.
If she's still mad, so very bad for her, but YOU STAY FIRM!!!

I'll write you a personal story in the letter, V., as it is very personal indeed, let me just get home in the afternoon, I'll get back to you.

And don't be afraid of her rage, she will either steam it out and then stay friends with you or, you will have the same situation as you had for 7 years, which is sad but NOT a disaster.

I just think, with her Napoleon's character, you will probably have more problems in your house if she comes to live with you, so honestly speaking, I'd say it'd be even better if she didn't come to live INSIDE your house....
sorry, but i am honestly telling how it feels based on the info that you provided us with,
in any case, good luck,
and TAKE CARE, V.!
M.

Well, it sounds like she is being a little immature about it, but yes, she is your mother, she gave birth to you, she raised you, provided you with everything you needed...including a place to live, it's now your turn to step up and take care of her. The woman has lost two husbands...my Grandma was a wreck after just one. Have some compassion. So what if she wants her dogs in the house? I would assume they are potty trained if she has them in the house with her already, and if they shed, vacuum. It's not that hard. Do the right thing, and take care of her.

It sounds to me like your mom feels like you owe her something. It is not your job to support her and take care of her. You need to do what is right for your family. You have already been more than generous by offering her what you did. If she doesn't want to follow your rules that may be a blessing. You are right. Beggers shouldn't be choosers. Stick to your guns. Good luck.

First of all, You are NOT being too harsh. It is your home, you have worked hard to create it into what it is right now the atmosphere and everything down to the way you are raising your children. If you allow your mother to move in with you that will all change. I think that it would be in both of your best interest that if she wants to be close then she can move somewhere NEAR you not with you.
The bottom line is that it is a HUGE burden to have a parent move in with a grown child. My grandmother lived with us for 12 years as a kid and it is one of the few things that my mother regrets.
I guess i'm a little one sided because of my experience but i wouldn't advise it and she may be mad at you for a long time but it will work out eventually i promise.

sheesh- apparently there wasa generation of whacko moms cause I too can sympatize with the strained relationship as can a few others I see...
ANYWAY- HECK NO- you are not overreacting- there are boundaries that after you grow up and have your own family come into play and she is definitely crossing quite a few of those. Its not your fault she has not prepared herself to be independant of a man. Its not your fault that she has no where to go. There is a point in life where EVERYONE has to grow up and be adults. Reinforce that you love her and will always love her and support her however you are able to, but your immediate family(she is now extended) comes first and this would jeopardize their well being as well as break the HOA covenants you ARE IN A CONTRACT for. Sorry for your mom, but its her turn to be an adult. Life throws curve balls and crappy situations but everyone deals with it at some point and right now, its your mom's turn. Don't cripple her ability to grow and succeed as a human being by bailing her out. Stick with your gut and your little family and remember you are doing the right thing. Good luck!

Your mom is being manipulative and selfish (as she always has been, right?) and you should not tolerate it. You have enough going on with your own family. Your husband and kids deserve your full attention and don't need you stressed out by your relationship with your mother. If she doesn't like your terms, she can take care of herself (which she should be doing anyway).

I would have to agree with all the rest of the replies. You are NOT being to harsh. Your mom should not be putting you in this situation. She is trying to control you and thats not how life works. One question you need ask yourself (and your family) is: If you let her move in and things get bad can you kick your mom out? My mom lived with us for about 2 years and even though she was following our rules she still under mind me with my kids. She would speak out of turn and tried to take my roll with them. At the end of the 2 years things were pretty strained for both of us and she moved out. Now I get to love my mom from across town and we can enjoy doing things together. She has even made some new friends of her own.

Remember that you didn't make her choices for her and she now has to live with the ones she made. All you can do is love her and try and be supportive, but don't let her control your life. As to her moving into your motorhome, forget about what the neighborhood says; what about family vacations and camping trips. If you let her in there she won't move out easily. Good Luck.

sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know exactly how you should handle this, but I know that if you give in and let her make all the decisions, then you'll regret it. You have to follow your CC&R's so living in the motorhome is just not an option. If she's not willing to live by your rules in your home, then she needs to find alternate accommodations. I think you are being more than fair by offering to help her move into her own place. You can't control how she feels, but you have to think about your husband, children and yourself. It seems to me like she's the one being selfish and harsh.

My grandmother is this way to my mother - everything is my mother's fault and my grandmother has done NOTHING wrong - ever. But in reality, she's an alcoholic, seriel marryier/mover and says the most horrible things to my mother. I've basically sworn her off and haven't spoken to her for 10 years because I there is no way I would expose my children to her.

Anyway, I say stick to your guns. It might make you drift apart again, but there is only so much you can do before she needs to just help herself.

Good luck and best wishes!

Hello,

I wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I have had some similar situations with my sister. I am here to tell you to stick to your guns, you are not being too harsh. I let my sister move in with me, and I didn't stick to my rules because she is my sister. To make a long story short, she used me and dumped all her problems on me. She has now moved out, because I finally put my foot down with the rules and she didn't like them. She is basically homeless living from friend to friend on their couches. She isn't working, and neither is her alcholic boyfriend. And to top it off, I am now taking care of her 7 year old son because she can't. I am a single mom, and all of this has been a big strain on my finances and very stressful for me.

I know that this is your mother, and you will feel guilty, but you have to remember that you said she could move in. It just had to be by your rules, and she chose not to. It will save you a lot of heart ache to stick by your rules from the beginning. I hope that this will help!

I wouldn't let her move in. She obviously had/has no regard for you, your family and a definite lack of boundaries. If she has this attitude before she were even to move in, imagine what it would be like with her. She is definitely unhealthy and I wouldn't risk upsetting and causing problems in your marriage and family.

You can be supportive and helping her find a place. Or if you do let her stay you have got to remember that your husband and children come first and she has to follow the rules. Don't feel guilty you offered help at the capacity you're able to that is a lot more the some people would do after the things she has done.

V.,
You and yu family do not, I repeat, do not, owe your Mother a place to live.
Is she healthy? Is she over 60?
You didn't say.
Whatever, if, and that is a big if, you allow her to move in with you, you must put it on your terms or she can live elsewhere.
You can not allow the fact that she is your Mother cloud your judgement in what is best for your own family.
I gave up my life period for my parents and now I sit with nothing but a sick husband and now my health is going down hill.
Live your life honey and don't let anyone, I don't care who it is, try to control YOUR life.
Good Luck

Your right to tell your mom that you will help her move but that she can't live with you. Your mothers bad choices in life shouldn't have to be your burden. If she wants a place to live you can help her find a place that she will be comfortable at, but you can not subject your children to her drama. It's not fair to them and more over it's not fair to you. She knows the rules of your house and if she isn't going to respect you enough to follow them, she can't be in your home. Hold your ground, TOTALLY in the right.

First, I'm sorry for your fractured relationship with your mom. Second, you are not being too harsh. I think you summed it up reasonably. Your mom is asking a favor. That's fine, but she has to live by your rules. If she doesn't want to live by your rules she should live and park her motor home elsewhere. For this relationship to work, it's got to work both ways. She can't expect to do all the taking and not any giving. Tell her you love her. But she needs to respect you. Sorry. Tough love.

stick to your guns. help her the way you feel best, love her, but don't do what you feel won't be best for your family. i think you're right for doing what you're doing

I think you should tell your mom that she slapped YOU in the face by moving away all those years ago without telling you, and that she doesn't GET respect if she can't GIVE respect.
Not too respectful of her to try to barge in and change the way you live with your family and expecting you to disregard your rules and personal morals for her comfort.
Not too respectful of you in the first place to move out the way she did either- is she an alcoholic or an addict by chance?

oh my gosh.

i just went through this except there was moer then 13 years of silence and she was being physically abused "nothing new".i got 4 dogs she brought her 2.i let her smoke in the house,we was getten along till i made a friend "my 1st real friend in my whole life" and since i wasnt home as much she thought i was avoding her and it made us fight on x-mas night she went after me ripped my shirt all too heck "nothing new" but i kicked her out on x-mas night at 6pm.too this day she says she did nothing wrong.we have a long histroy of her man abusen her n me and we deal with problem with deniel on her end.we have mental mess ups.like for explamle umm bipolar kinda mental mess ups.

sounds like too me ure up set that years she didnt talk and she poofed away "moved".if she can have her own room can she have her dogs in her room.she dont want a place of her own well i called my mom and asked why she refused cuz we bought her a place she said she scared too live alone after all these years she with her man.ok i understand now.seems she wants it her way u want it ure way and nothing gets solved can yall met in the middle.if she dies ull punish ure self for not helping her this time.talk too ure hubby and kids see if u can meat her half way. if yall can then get her too volutneer at places too where she might meat somone.my mom wanted too get a small truck and live in it and i said no n kicked her out of state.once she can met u half way then u work on ure bond that was broke and work on the trust then get her a place.she might be scared like my mom.

everyone can give there advice.weather u take it or not up too u.

i will say we not in ure house when u was growing up,we all can somehow relate one form or another.

i wont tell u too say yes or no.i got my own issues cuz i didnt know my mom dying of heart problems i thought she was sick cuz he hit her too hard and i still kicked her out made her go back too him.
i will say since age 14 too age 18 no talking no seing her,then age 18 she beat me up i left went too another state got married go divorced went back age 21 stop talking again then had 2 kids called her then no talk for many moons.and people ask me why i gave her a roof.like i said no one knows ure child hood except u and who there.
key word is mom's r never guests.we think like they r but they aint and they know it..lol...lol..reason i let my mom dogs stay is cuz they were small ones and mine r small,and with her level of mental dysfunctional she had too have them in her room.paronik-skitzofrantic-atypical bipolar,asthama broincal infection all the time and i new this be4 i let her stay.she did keep house clean even when i told her not too clean,she took my kdis in public which was nice she didnt judge my kid disabilitys like other family did.
i wish you luck on what u decide.
if u ever wanna chat email me at ____@____.com

I can't really speak to the specific issues that you are dealing with but it seems to me that what is getting lost in here is the loss of her husband (both of them actually). My mom just lost her husband of 23 years (my step-dad) in April and it's been absolutely devastating not only for all of us but for my mom, who has never been alone. Trying to put back together a life that has been shattered is difficult. She is in a very different place but it sounds like to me that your mom doesn't want to be alone, or is scared to be. I would encourage you to try to find a way to be as supportive as possible in some way that is acceptable to you both. I get there is a lot of hurt baggage and I would be devastated to find my mother gone with no word. But here another thought.. life is too short (and unknown)... if she were gone tomorrow what would you do today to ensure you did everything you wanted to do.

Good luck! Maybe you can find some friends who will take her dogs while she lives with you for a short time or something. Remember, grieving is a LONG process and based on her previous reaction to loss, I am guess she now is grieving for 2 husbands and she is a little lost. I would try to find her a support group or even a counselor.

I would hold my ground and refuse to have her live with me. She seems manipulative and it will NOT be good for your family (Husband and kids) to have her living with you. Good luck, just had to add my 2 cents.

Well, let's start with you. Are you holding onto the hurt of her leaving and not telling you? If you are, remember when people are hurting they react to situations, not acting on the situation. By that I mean, your mom has cared for 3 people in her life. 1)Your dad. (Died) 2)You (Not as close as you were) 3)Her guy friend that she left town for. (Died), most people don't think rationally when they are grieving.
Are the rules about the dogs made because that would hurt your mom for leaving? Alot of time after a death in the family, dogs do help with companionship. If you have three dogs what are two (hopefully small ones) more?
How long is she planning on living with you?
I completely understand the non-smoking rule, it is not good for anyone in the family.
How are you able to support her now compared to after your dad passed away? So really that was just her justification as to why she moved.
Compromise is not a bad thing it doesn't make you the bad person for feeling what you do, it just means that you are adult enough to help both of your hurts heal in one way or another. She obviously is needing someone. Does she have sisters/brothers that she could move with, or any other family members? Does she only have Social Security to live on? Could your children learn much from having their grandmother around? What does your husband say about the whole situation? You'll need his support.
I hope this helps. Kay

No, you are absolutely not being too harsh! You have your own family to think about now and you need to do what is best for them. Your mom should understand that and respect that. You have offered her plenty of alternatives that would work.

Hi V.,

Sorry for the situation you are having to deal with, I know from personal experience how frustrating the type of issue you are dealing with now can be. I totally agree with Katie. You are NOT being too harsh, and I also believe your mother is trying to take advantage of you. What does she mean she can't believe YOU did this to her? What? She is the one that moved away without even so much as a courtesy call, and had the nerve to try and guilt you into agreeing to what she wants because you couldn't afford to give her money! As far as letting her live with you, just from what you said in your post it sounds like a really bad idea. She is being this demanding already, and she hasn't even moved in. I would just think she would cause even more problems once she was in your home. I feel bad for her situation, don't get me wrong, but instead of trying to come up with a solution that would work for everyone, she just wants what will work for HER and is being totally unreasonable. Hope everything works out for you.

The previous post were right. Don't let your mom do this to you. She needs her own life, and you need to keep your life too. If she decides to live near you even on her own she will probably expect to have you at her beck and call. You need to make sure that she understands that she has to make her decisions but that you will also be making decisions for your family, that are best for your family.

Good luck, and there will be problems no matter what you decide, just do the best that you can for your family.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Dealing with family can be so hard. You need to stand your ground. You have a family to protect and raise. If you let her come in and dictate what is going to happen it will turn your life upside down. I would suggest you write her a clam but firm letter explaining where you are at with this situation. Refer her to local authorities that help with low income situations. They can help with housing and getting her back on her feet. Let her know that you miss your old relationship, but that you are hurt too. I wish you the best!

First of all I know where you are comming from. My dad died i jan 2000 and my mom didn't want to be alone. I stayed at her home for a few days to help her get through being alone. We talked and I told her she needed to be in her own place. She didn't like it but it is going good. She still has days that she says she is lonly. I am sure it is the days she is thinking obout dad because the other days she is doing things to keep herself busy. Try finding her a low income place for seniors. They usually have activities for them to do which will keep her busy. They will go by her income so she can afford it. Also what happened to the money from the sale of her home? She could use it to get started again. As far as it being your fault it isn't. She just wants you to feel sorry for her and let her move in with you. If you do that it will be a fight all the time and your children will pay the price. They won't have a grandma they will have another mom. You can't have to many bosses under one roof. You will also have trouble with the dog & smoking situation because when your not around the dogs and the smoking will happen in your home. Do what you think is right no matter who gets angry at you. You need to think of your family first and help your mom realise what is best. She made the dicision to leave without telling you so you shouln't feel guilty if you don't do what she wants. I know you love her but she needs to realise she isn't number one all the time you have other people to consider. Good luck and stay strong. It will work out in the end the way it is ment to. Rose

Stand your ground. She's being manipulative and selfish, and has been since she took off with that man. Support her, help her, but don't let her call the shots as far as your home and family. She is the one who stepped out of your life...on her terms. She can't just come back in whenever and expect to get everything she wants. She's lucky you're even willing to help her considering her blatant disregard for you and your family. You could tell her that when she's prepared to behave like a mature adult she will be more than welcome to have a part in your life...or when she's prepared to buy you a larger home for everyone (dogs included) to live in.

Let me get this straight, Your mom wants to move into your home, without any responsibility for her finances. After selling off all her assets and abandoning her relationship with you and your family for years...
I don't think you are being harsh in the least. You are not responsible to fix her poor choices. Get in touch with Aging services in your state or county,explain the situation to them and get her on a list for subsidized housing. Is she working? If not take her to vocational rehab and have them help her get a job. Until she is willing to take responsibility for herself, you owe her nothing!! She is an adult, she needs to behave like one and take care of herself.

V.,
I would stand my ground and tell her, "Sorry Mom, if you really need to stay here it will have to be under my rules. It is my house, and my rules. If you can't handle that, then you will have to find a different place to live. Period." It will be very hard, but if you give in it will ruin your relationship with her, and it will put a big strain on your family. She is trying to guilt you into doing what she wants, but you have to follow covenents of your neighborhood, and you cannot have a smoker in the house with your kids. Plus a lot of city codes state no more than 3 dogs anyway. Her dogs may make you violate a city code in your area. She should not be asking you to violate your covenant or your city code on animal ownership.

Since she has money from the sale of her house, you could insist on helping her find a senior housing apartment building and help her move there. Almost all of them allow pets, plus they will have activities for her to do with people her own age.

If she insists on throwing the guilt trip your way then you will just have to say NO, and let her figure out what to do. Tell her that you really do love her, but you can't possibly do what she is asking of you. Good luck to you! Family is very special, but can be very difficult too.

I do not believe you are being too harsh. I think it is kind of you to take your mother in despite your history. I don't think it is your obligation, but I do believe it is kind. I think that you are completely within your rights to draw boundaries - and they will be absolutely necessary if she does come to live with you. I think you should just tell your mom that she has a place to stay with you, but that your first obligation at this point in your life is to your husband and children and creating and maintaining a peaceful environment for them and that while she is welcome with you, you will not allow her to disrupt that peaceful environment. I agree that 5 dogs in one space is too much - in some areas it is even not lawful - and that is one of the things that would comprimise the peace. Don't allow yourself to get into an argument about it - try not to get sucked in emotionally. Just state that those are your terms because of your concern for your children and their environment - take it or leave it. She may try to guilt you & tell you that you are horrible. Just know that you are not - you are perfectly reasonable - you are not without compassion - and try not to let her words bother you. If she decides to come on your terms, make sure she knows that those boundaries apply when she gets there & enforce them. If she is compromising the family peace while she is there, calmly tell her that she needs to stop doing whatever it is, or find another place to live. Tell her these are your terms before she even agrees to come. It is very possible to be kind and compassionate on your part without being a doormat or compromising that which is & should be most important to you right now - your own family. If she does not respect your terms and boundaries it is absolutely not worth the collateral damage to your family to have her there. Good luck. I know it is not easy dealing with family & keeping perspective when it comes to them - especially parents. Hang in there.

I think you need to stick to your guns. Step back and think what would happen if you let her move in on her terms - dogs, smoking and you would be very unhappy. That is not the environment you want for your kids. I would say to try to help her help herself. Find her an affordable apartment - if she can't afford it then she may need to find a way to make some money. I know the older people get the more set in their ways they are but if you can make her see that your family runs and functions a certain way and that you are willing to help but need boundaries for a healthy relationship maybe she can be reasonable. If, for some reason, you allow her to live with your family you MUST have a timeline and rules. I'm sure there were rules in your home growing up and your home is no different. I know you don't want to see your mom in a bad situation if you don't help her and you don't want to completely lose this relationship so talk with your husband and be a united front in helping however you can. I don't think you are being too harsh at all and need to protect and take care your family. Good luck.

I absolutely do not think you are being too harsh. If you let her move in on her terms, she will walk all over you for as long as she lives there. That's not good for you, your marriage, not to mention a bad example for your kids. If she wants to be a guest in your home, she simply must abide by your rules. You are not beholden to her in that way. You need to do what is healthy and good for your family, they need to be your first priority. I know some other families that have situations like this, with family members that come to visit or live and then take over the house. It doesn't do anyone any good. Stick to your guns. I applaud you for taking a practical approach to this awkward situation. Some people would just let her walk all over them, but that's not a good solution for anyone involved. Good luck!

I do not think you are being too harsh. I have been married for ten years, and dealing with my husband family has been difficult at best. When you get married and have children you become your own family within your greater extended family. It took us a long time to realize that we had to do what is best for our family above what is best for the extended family (and your mother is now part of that extended family). We are now learning that lesson over again with my family. My mother is very overbearing and we live a short distance from them, and it has been difficult. If I were in your shoes, I would let my mother know that my rules are the ones we are going to follow (and I have had to several times, you have to stop worrying about offending her) and that if she cant follow the rules she cant be with us. You have a right to say no smoking and no dogs. It is your house. Let go of the guilt and do what is best for your family. If your mom cant live on your terms, then offer to help her find another place close to you, but not with you. She may try to make you feel guilty, but how you feel is your choice and you can choose a different reaction. The same is true for your mom; how she feels is her choice not yours. It is your home, your rules, your family. Do what is best for your home, your rules and your family above all else. And despite what society tells us, it is ok to say NO!

Good luck!

Just tell her no. And no, you are not being too harsh. She is totally out of line here. You must set the boundaries and limits with her, just like you do with your children. If one of your kids got up in your face, made demands, then tried to manipulate you with guilt, would you give in? Of course not. Also, you DO NOT need to explain yourself or rationalize anything with her. Simply tell her she may not live with you or in your motor home. She needs to stand on her own two feet, find her own place, and be responsible and self-reliant. Reassure her that you love her and welcome her presence in your's and your children's lives, but she must manage her own life and space. Finally, one last word of advice: allowing her to push you around and move into your home is a recipe for disaster, with your marriage, your family, and your life. Stay strong! Good luck.

What does your heart tell you to do and what do you want to do? Though she sounds pushy & a bit manipulative, she's your only mother, she has nobody left, have some compassion as it could be you. Forgive her past. Help her live out her days with a little peace, not on the streets or you may regret it. No, she can't live on your property- why risk getting kicked out? Can U find a mobile home park nearby & loan her the motor home? Can U show you care by helping her find affordable housing? Tell her she can have dinner with U nightly if it's a loneliness issue. Or, if U really are ok with her living with you (be honest with yourself) then she'll have to sacrifice her dogs- help her find a new home for them OR all dogs stay outside (you will meet her in the middle here.) Prove you are trying to work with her for your own head & her pride. If she can't relent that is her choice. She's letting her ego get in the way of stability- remind her that's her choice. But because she is a manipulator be firm with your compromises and don't sacrifice your own boundaries. Good luck.

I have a very similar mom. Beggar and chooser and follows it all up with a guilt trip when it doesn't go her way. At some point you need to be comfortable with yourself andn say to yourself, "she is the one who still needs to grow up...I am the child, she is the parent...and MY terms are PERFECTLY REASONABLE! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT." If she leaves it, that's her own problem and she has no one to blame for any of her circumstances but herself. You can't feel sorry for her andn let her push you around. You worked hard for what you and your husband have - don't let her come in and SPOIL it all. Believe me.... it's been 2 years of it over here....I just keep trying to tell myself that there is an end in sight. You don't want, or need that kind of drama in your house, around your kids, or the problems it will cause to your marriage. It's just not worth it, even for your mom.

Wow, I feel for you!

I think it's okay to say no to your mom living with you, I believe you SHOULD say no (as saying yes is inviting personal stress into your life and marriage). I personally think it could be a little risky to allow someone to live with you (yes, even your mother), who is unstable, accusing, and resentful. She skipped out on her own daughter for 7 years.

I would say something like, "After thinking this over carefully, we feel you living with us is not a good idea, and not a good way to strengthen our relationship. We hope that we can be close to you and work on our relationship (we have a lot of catch up to do after 7 years). We hope that you will be able to live nearer to us and that we will be able to see you on a regular basis... we look forward to being close to you again. We hope you will understand our decision."

If she tries to put a guilt trip on you, be firm. Let her know you would like a healthy, mature relationship; you will not allow emotional manipulation. She has the right to know you love her, she doesn't have the right to make you feel guilty for not wanting to live in the same house with you (this is the kind of thing that can cause marriage and family problems, you have your husband and children to think about). Living in your motor home is not an option, you abide by your communtiy covenants. Period. She can live in her own place with her dogs and cigarettes. Believe me, just having her in the same city is going to cause plenty of stress (she will find a way to accuse no matter where she is, at least if she's not at your house you won't need to deal with it 24/7). Be prepared for some backlash, and because she has done it before, don't be surprised if she finds another internet honey and disappears when it is convenient for her. Also, don't be surprised if she refuses to live closer to you if you don't agree to her terms. You have gotten through the last 7 years, and you can get through the next 50 without her if THAT IS WHAT SHE CHOOSES.

If she says trash like you don't want her here and are slapping her in the face, tell her you are happy to help her and to be part of civil, loving dialogue, but that you feel such statements are emotionally manipulative and unwarranted when you are helping her and when indeed, she is the one slapping you in the face by leaving, and then asking such huge favors after.

Good luck V.! I'll be thinking of you and be glad that my slightly resentful and emotionally manipulative mother-in-law lives 15 minutes away. I love her, and we keep trouble to a minimum, but I will be sure she never lives with us. When it hurts, I hope you know you have Heavenly Father who will always hear your prayers and never abandon you, and a Savior who knows just what you are going through. Bless you.