ugh...MIL Might Come Live with Us

M., you can't have here there with her dogs and her cigs. You just can't. She will have to give them up if she wants to live with you. That's just all there is to it.

Sorry,
Dawn

Yes, I think you need to kindly tell her that she's most welcome to stay with you, but cannot smoke indoors and cannot bring her dogs. If she really needs a place to stay, she'll make it work. Just stand firm.

Well M., all I can say is there is a very special place in heaven for women who cohabitate with their MILs.

Good Luck to you!

:)

Dear MIL,

We are so excited at the idea of you coming to live with us. The kids will be so happy to be able to see you every day and it will really strengthen your bond with them.

To make this work for the family, there are a few things that we should establish from the get-go. Firstly, we cannot have any smoking in the house, or around the kids, because it just isn't healthy for any of us. Secondly, we know that you love your dogs so much, but we cannot take them in.

We are looking forward to your move and can't wait to spend some more time with you.

Love,
Tom, M., Sally and Billy

That's what I would do--united front with clear expectations

Have you checked into the availability of subsidized housing in your area? Here in Central Florida, we have a couple of very nice apartment complexes that only allow people over 50 and the rent based on their income. They even allow pets, I'm not sure about 5 of them, but they do allow them.

Wait....she emailed and told you that she might be moving in with you? OHHH HELLLL NOOOO! No one TELLS me that they are moving in with me.

The 5 dogs and cigarettes would be absolute dealbreakers for me. No way, No how. Your husband needs to tell her know if she insists on bringing the dogs and smoking in your house.

You have every right to relax in your own home and this sounds like a majorly BAD idea.

Your house, your rules. No dogs, no smoking, let her know these rules well in advance so she can make other arrangements if she chooses. No need to feel bad about it. Its not your fault shes out out of work and did not plan well for her future. Its nice enough of you to offer to.let her stay, not many people would. Make sure your husband backs you on the dogs and smoking, its his responsibility to handle this as its his mom.

Just wanted to add that if she can afford cigarettes and pet food/vet bills for 5 dogs, she should be able to afford rent.

Wow.
Your mother-in-law has really been through it.
Having dealt with elderly family members and sacrificing to do so, I'm hoping that you can be there as a support to your MIL.

It seems like all of this is happening, and happening so quickly, that it could really get overwhelming for everyone.

My advice is to not freak out.....take things in doable doses. A woman who has already been through so much doesn't need confrontations right now. You don't want her having a nervous breakdown on top of all of it.
I would suggest looking in to local resources for the animals. Due to the circumstances, people might be willing to foster them in an environment where your MIL could still visit them until she gets back on her feet. If it comes to pass that she can't care for 5 dogs, at least it would buy her some time to think about that and come to her own conclusion. For now, I think I, personally, would avoid an ultimatum. More stress and loss, etc.

I'm not a dog person. If I had a relative that really needed me, I can't lie....
I would have an issue with the dog(s). Everyone who knows me knows that, though, and they certainly wouldn't expect me to change my ways.
I could handle something temporary because I'm not heartless, but hopefully there would be a plan.

As far as her smoking, let her know that she can only do it outside in a certain area and please wash her hands when she comes in.
With everything that's been going on, it seems unrealistic to expect her to just quit, cold turkey. If she could get a little peace and a little calm, she might not feel the need to smoke so much.

I might have differing views than other people, but I have been through so much with in-laws, etc. I miss my mother-in-law. I miss my father-in-law.
Was it ever easy? No.

But, I'd give anything to have them back.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

How do you tell her? You don't. Have your husband tell her! It sounds like you have your mind made up about what to do (and i agree), so it's just in the delivery. She will have to make some sacrifices, just as you all will with having a family member come to live.

I really feel for you and you sound like a MUCH better daughter-in-law than I am!

I think it's awful that your MIL is going to lose her home and maybe her pets after 15 years of caring for her mother. Her mother goes into a nursing home, and she gets NOTHING? It's so traumatic to re-home those 5 dogs too, with the unlikelihood that they will be adopted together. I would think that, even if the house is sold, she would get her share of it, no? Or is it all going to Granny's care?

I'd check into some elder affairs laws and see what your MIL's rights are. At the very least, she should have some protection.

Do you think she WANTS to move in with you, or just that she is desperate and doesn't know what to do?

I don't see why you telling her these things is the only option. Your husband needs to step up and help advocate for his mother. HE needs to find out what's going on with the house. There's going to be enough stress with all of this without you having to be the "bad guy" and make her feel unwelcome.

You are great to say you have no problem with her living with you - that's not an easy thing in terms of family adjustments.

Look up the effects of 3rd hand smoke--that is the smoke that is trapped in a smoker's hair, clothes, and fingernails. Other's suffer effects from it, particularly children and infants.

Can you talk to all her family and perhaps chip in together to get her an apartment nearby? Why would all the care and financial responsibility fall on one sibling? I would NOT have her move in with you unless you have a separate inlaws apartment. And why would she not get any part of the house if they are kicking her out, presumably to sell it? I think that is fair, she is not entitled to inherit it all if she has siblings, but she should get her portion of the proceeds which may at least pay for an apartment for some time.
I would not just accept that MIL states she WILL come live with you, but discuss with her and all the family what a possible solution is. The dogs, the smoking, the cost, your babies health, the dog biting all have to be considered, her mobility, the duration, expectations on all sides. I would have a brain storming session with the family, list all the options in columns 1, then pros and cons in columns 2 and 3 and find out the best solution. You cannot just invite yourself to come live with someone.

Surely this is a tough time for your MIL. She is getting short shrift from her siblings, sounds like. BUT, I can see where they may not have a choice about letting her stay in the house. All the facts aren't spelled out here for us, but it is logical to assume that since Gma is going into an assisted living facility, that the house will be sold to offset expenses of her new living arrangement. If there is a mortgage on the home (sounds like there is?) then there may not BE any proceeds to offset anything, and the kids may all be chipping in to contribute towards the living assisted facility.

It is sad that your MIL has kindly given of herself for 15 years, and didn't plan beyond it. Understandable I suppose, but still sad that she finds herself in this predicament at this stage of the game.
It really doesn't sound (on the face of it) like the siblings are going out of their way to oust her... it just is what it is. She likely was living more cheaply by staying with granny all this time, too. Obviously she wasn't the one paying granny's mortgage, right?
Sounds like it is just bad timing that things are happening right now when MIL is not in the most ideal employment scenario.

However, I would not want to move 5 yappy dogs (or even non-yappy ones) and a smoker into my home, with 2 young kids (one a toddler, actually a baby right now). It isn't fair for her to expect you to allow it, either.

I am a dog person, with my own dog. :) But even so, I don't like the prospect of other people bringing THEIR dogs into my home. MY dog is well mannered, knows the rules, and is part of our family. Another person's dog would not be acceptable to me, for various reasons... and my kids are not tiny anymore.
You sound like you are very kind hearted. Which makes it all the more difficult for you to put your foot down and say "no dogs and no smoking". But for your own sanity, health and safety of your children, you must.
Good luck, dear.
Maybe you can help her find some alternative housing or roommate situation or something temporarily.. ?

Wow that is a tough one. I would check into affordable/senior housing in
your area. My friends Mom got a 2 bedroom apt. new, beautiful, for like
$500 a month. No sure if something like that is doable. I am sure they
allow pets. Not sure how many. Your poor MIL has really gotten to raw
end of the deal. That is where I would start. Does she have any income.
Good luck and I hope it works out. Go one day at a time. I am sure she
is not very happy about the way things turned out either.

It's your house. I totally understand the "NO wiggle room with the dogs" and I agree, and I hope you say "NO wiggle room with the smoking." I mean, she can smoke outside, that's her choice, but not in your house.

I think it's fairly disgusting that what...her siblings aren't going to let her stay in her mother's house after caring for her for fifteen years? If it's grandma's house, grandma's got a say in it, unless someone ELSE besides your MIL has power of attorney, which if that's the case...well, that was just poor planning and I'm afraid your MIL is stuck.

Sorry about this...but it sounds like your MIL has too much to give up to come and live happily with you. I'd look for alternative options first, and just tell her you're doing it because you'd like her to be happy.

Wow that sucks. I don't think she has the right to move in and bring her dogs. If you don't have a home then you don't have a home for dogs. With the smoking - as much as that sucks - she prob. will not be able to quit. Of course she should smoke outside and wash her hands when she comes in. She will still stink though - yuck.

Why can't she get an apartment?
Not only would I not want anyone moving in with my family but certainly not a smoker with 5 dogs. Good luck!!!

This sounds like a really bad idea to me. You do have issues with her coming to stay even though you said you don't. 1. She's a smoker and you obviously don't want that in your home or around your kids. Plus, she will still smell like smoke even if she smokes outside and that is going to drive you bonkers after a time. 2. She has 5 dogs, one of which bites. With a 7 month old, it is a very bad idea to move 5 dogs, who aren't used to being around a small child or two and two cats, into your home. You'll never be able to relax in your own castle.

My suggestion would be to tell her point blank that the dogs can't come and that all smoking must be done outside and that she will need to remove her outerlayer of clothing when she comes back inside to avoid second hand smoke contact with your children and yourself. My guess would be that she will find a different place to live. If she is anything like me, I love my dogs to peices and would not part with them at any cost if I can avoid it, and I also know from experience, old habits die hard....in her case smoking.

Good luck. Stand your ground, or you will be made miserable in the near future.

Your husband should be the one dealing with telling his mother that the smoking and the dogs are dealbreakers. That you're both willing to having her stay until she can find affordable housing and a better paying job (and give her a reasonable time frame in order to do so... there ought to be an expiration date similar to a rental agreement), but that willingness hinges on "not smoking in the house and her finding a temporary home for the dogs" while she stays with you. Perhaps if your husband puts it that way... she finds someone the dogs can stay with or she ... SHE ... boards them until she finds a better paying job AND a place to live it will motivate her to abide by your rules while she's living there and then to get her business taken care of.

Oh, this is a hard one! I think you are awesome to let her live with you, good people.

If you don't want the dogs, then no dogs. I just know, as you obviously do too, that this is easier said than done. She must be really attached and it's just not that easy to give them away. But if you really aren't comfortable with them there, then this is the unfortunate reality and she will be sad, but needs to accept it. Perhaps there is one quiet dog or some sort of compromise, but otherwise just say no! Heartbreaking for MIL, but what is the alternative? Years of misery for you, your kids, and your pets? Unacceptable.

If MIL can't give them away, then she will need to earn some $ quick and get an apartment. I know this will be hard, and you are already being very generous, so try not to feel bad about having to say no. Us moms don't do that enough. Good luck.

ugh indeed!
poor MIL. she's given up 15 years of her life to be a caregiver, one of the hardest roles a woman has to play, and now she and her little dogs are out on their asses. it's got to be pretty devastating. and it's not like she can just go rent an apartment even if she could scrape the $ together. very few rentals will allow smoking or pets, especially 5 of the nasty little yappers.
but how equally miserable for you. of course you can't take the dogs, and you'll have to work out something with the smoking too. if she smokes inside, it will ruin your house.
ugh.
i think queen of the castle's approach is best. kind, welcoming and very, very clear.
i sure hope that things work out so that it's a temporary solution. it may be that she can find foster homes for her doggies so that when she gets situated she can get at least some of them back?
khairete
S.

Hi! I think the smoking is absolutely non-negotiable. Honestly, you have to tell her that ASAP.
Do you think you can find some wiggle room with the dogs - maybe let her keep one or two? Come up with a doggie control plan that can work. Dogs and cats can get along or at least tolerate each other without war. Our five pound cat totally ruled over our 50 pound dog.
You and she also need to discuss other house rules before problems arise.
Good luck!!

Well that stinks for her because I am sure she altered her lifestyle around Granny, in order to be her caregiver.

So your biggest concern appears to be her dogs and smoking. The smoking is easy...nip that now. Let her know you have set up a nice little smoking area outside for her. I have a bistro table and chairs outside with a large ashtray for my husband. It was placed out there the day we moved in.

As for the dogs. You should start talking to her now about finding a good home for the dogs. Let her know they just will not work with the children, as the one has bitten and they are not used to kids.

About your cats...would you consider getting rid of them if it turns out your MIL is allergic to them? My husband and I are so allergic to my MIL's cats. We sat in the RV for 15 minutes with them and the next morning I woke up coughing. It lasted a day and then went away. It had to be the allergy to the cat. Every membrane in my husbands head drains around them. Life is just not tolerable for us when we are around cats.

Your home-your rules, I , too, would not allow dogs around an infant or any smoking

Oh I think most moms with 2 little kids ,would be uncomfortable having a smoker and 5 dogs at home. Please let her know upfront that you are excited to have her come stay with you. But you really wouldn't want the dogs home and also her smoking in the house would be a problem. And offer some options for where to leave the dogs which would be a wonderful place for them. And where she can go see them regularly.

Even though she's family, it is YOUR home and if she wants to live with you it must be by YOUR parameters. I would flat out tell her that there will be absolutely no smoking in your house and that she will have to find a new home for her dogs. You should not have to turn your life upside down for her. I know to some that might sound mean, but c'mon, we moms never think about ourselves and we are the ones that take on the brunt of everything and everyone!

I'm repeating what has already been said but it bears repeating. It's your house and it's your rules. The boundaries need to be set before she moves in. It is your son's home and it's the cats' home as well. They were there first so no dogs. Absolutely no smoking in the house, period. I also think it would be good to have your husband tell her, making it clear that the two of you are in agreement on the rules. I also think the time table and plan for her to get a job and eventually her own place are excellent ideas. It is terrible that her family is being so horrible, especially after taking care of her mother all these years. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out well.

Can you compromise and let her keep a couple of the dogs? These dogs are her children, trust me. I understand not everyone likes animals, but maybe she can keep 2 of them, they are small. Maybe they can live in her room. I feel bad for her - she gave up 15 years of her life, only to be told, ok, thanks for your help, by the way, we don't need you any more. That's awful. What the heck is wrong with this Country today?

If there's a way to talk to an attorney about the situation, I would. The house is not the sibling's, is it? It's the mother's. So what right do they have to make her leave? She should just STAY there. Unless they have legal control of the house, there should be no way to "make" her leave. I would say look into pet friendly/smoking friendly apartments near your home. She will have her independence, you will have your peace of mind and physical comfort. And if you can afford to help with an apartment, that's great. It may be worth your sanity to make that happen - if it's necessary. Again, you need to get legal info because if the house is NOT in the LEGAL control of the siblings, then she should not LEAVE until it is sold.