Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

(hugs)

Since you have already spoken to your mom and set the ground rules, you are probably going to have to step on toes and create some hostility. :-(

My FIRST suggestion would be to talk to someone in your church and find local programs that provide shelter to seniors with little or no means of supporting themselves. It will be EXTREMELY difficult, but unless your mother will follow the rules in YOUR home (like you had to growing up in hers)... you will not regain authority in your home. Your mother is being selfish and most likely feels that she knows what's best, not looking at what she is truly doing to you and your family.

You and your husband are amazing to be in the position to take your mother in. Your mom is taking full advantage of you... and until there is the real possiblity that you will put her out, she will not change... and even then it will probably get worse (sorry, to say something so harsh)... but if she can't follow your rules, she will probably start telling you 19 month old things (they really do understand a lot)... as you notice she goes to her first...

Another suggestion would be family counceling... FORCING her to go with you...

(hugs)

*edit* -- Although I love my parents... if I were in a position that I did not feel respected, I would not continue the relationship with my parent(s). Actually, I had a very strained relationship with my dad after he remarried (IMO the wrong person)... but after a few years, it improved... but it took time. That said, I would find your mom a place to live and then tell her about her new place... and "this" is your move in date.

Good luck!

S., this is going to be a hard thing for you to do, but your first and foremost responsibility is to your children. Your mother is an adult and is resopnsible for her life. If she cannot abide by rules that are for the health and safety of the family, then she is a danger to your children. If she is successful in alienating your daughter's affection from you, that is just as dangerous. Your daughter needs the parenting of her parents, not of your mother. Your mother sounds like she is very self-centered and is only using your daughter to fulfill her need for attention. That is not healthy for the entire family. My suggestion, and I can only suggest not tell you what to do, is to firmly tell your mother that she has a deadline to find another place to stay. Then stick to it, even if it means taking legal action. Again, your FIRST responsibility is to protect your children, not to your mother. Sorry if this is harsh, but I see this as a decision that has to be made for the best interests of the children.

Wow, and I thought my mother-in-law was bad. I had to put it point blank to her back in November, so I understand where you are coming from. It's hard enough to be a "new family" without the added stress of trying to (pardon the wording)raise your mother too. Our elders tend to expect respect (one of those old school rules) and don't understand that they need to earn it, just like everyone else! There are two common words to remember in a situation like this....TOUGH LOVE...sometimes the less you do for someone actually helps them do more for themselves. The less that you put up with from your mother the more she will explore other living arrangements. You need to be straight to the point and don't sugar coat your words for fear of upsetting her, she has to know how you feel and what the rules and consequences are. It also helps to have your husband in on the conversation too...
remember, it is his house and family too! Even if he sits there and nods his head and lets you have your say, the fact that he is there and standing with you speaks volumes about how seriously the two of you want to protect your family from what is happening. I wish you luck, don't feel bad about what you have to do, just remember, its for the good of your whole family and not just for you!

Jennifer H.

I think you and your husband have to tell her together that if she doesn't respect the boundaries in your house that she does indeed have to leave. She is abusing the privilege of living with you and manipulating you. She sees that you are allowing it by continuing to let her live there. It's a control issue. She is a big girl. She can find a place to stay on her own. If it makes you feel better you can leave her with resources so she can find a place faster. If you don't give her the ultimatum and follow through if necessary, it is very possible and probable that your marriage and relationship with your child will be destroyed. Not to mention all the ill effects from exposing all of yourselves to second hand smoke. There are over 4,000 cancer causing chemicals in one cigarette. Stand up for your family and take the initiative. You have no choice other than to do that. She does not have the right to do this to you. If you let her stay she will make everyone miserable. If she leaves, then at least you will have some sanity back and the separation (her living in another place) may help even improve your relationship with your mom.

If she loves the children so much then she should respect you not wanting your children inhaling second hand smoke. Cmon she should know that herself they are so young. Just tell your mother the above comments and tell her that you prefer her to smoke outside. My brother has always smoked outside and his daughter is almost 18 and son is 10. It makes your house smell. It only takes a minute to smoke so it is not like she has to be outside all day. She had rules when you lived at her house, just because she is your mother does not make her exempt to yours. I would maybe take her out to dinner and discuss very calmly how you feel. Even if she doesn't take it to well stay calm and do not change the pitch in your voice. You be the rational one. Tell her that you don't want your daughter to get confused on who her mommy is. You can be out in public one day and maybe run into your friends and it would be sort of embarrassing if they here your daughter calling her mommy. So, to avoid that correct her when she says it and may sure it is done in front of your mother.

MAN! Honestly, I would sit down with your Mom & tell her exactly what is on your mind. Get your Husband to be there with you for support. Does he feel the same way? If it were me in this situation i would remind her that YOU are the mother & she is the Grandparent. Also remind her that you are doing her a favor and she should go by the rules. As far as smoking in the house...it seems she has no respect for you or your house. She seems like she uses the fact that you won't put her out because she's your Mom...you may not have a choice.
I wish you all the luck in the world!!

S.,

You have GOT to demand that your mother either live by your rules in your house or she must find another place to live. The government has aid programs for people who can't find affordable housing--it's called Section 8. I'd slip the old girl a pamphlet and let her know you mean business.

Yes, grandparents are entitled to a little spoiling now and then. But usually, the grandparent lives elsewhere and isn't involved in the day-to-day goings on with the grandchildren. Therefore, their "spoiling" is short-term generally includes some sort of boundaries. This woman, mother or not, is being completely disrespectful to you and your husband and absolutely irresponsible to your children. And the nerve she has for encouraging YOUR children to call her "ma"!!! And why the he-- doesn't she ACT like a mother if she wants to be considered the mother? Ok, well, she's IS acting like a mother, but that's the obscene version . . .

I'm sorry, S., but she has to go. You wouldn't let a stranger treat you and your family this way; you have no obligation to let your mother do it, either. You're doing her a humungous favor, for goodness sake! Doesn't she have one grateful bone in her body? By all means, show her these messages and let her know you're not alone.

Now get that rock out of your hard place and turn it into a soft, loving home for your own sake, as well as that of your family. Your husband will be grateful, and in time, your daughter will know you did the right thing on her behalf. And in the end, your mother may benefit, too, with a respectful relationship for both of you.

Good luck and PLEASE let us know how this turns out, even if you let her stay. I'm praying for you, girl!
D.

S.,

I have been there and done that with mom...You have to realize that your mom is ruining the relationship with your daughter, you need to allow your mom to go on w/o you my mom used to pull the guilt trip on me as far as she raised me that least I can do is help take care of her, but I came to realize that I did not ask to be here that was a choice made by her so I had to stand strong and cut her back because I realized that my family and the relationship with my child was more important, your mom may not be able to hold her own right now or say that she has no where to go but that's because she knows that you will be her backbone, once you pull back some she will have no choice but to take care of herself...I know it will be hard to see your mom go throught certain things, but you can't continue to allow her to control the house you pay bills at...Good Luck

Unfortunately, I had the same sort of situation. I dealt with it for a while (four years actually), but I finally had to just tell her she had to go. I know it hurts for you to do something like that to family but you might think about it. Now my mom has her own house and is doing well. If you do end up doing this though, just be prepared. It will take a while for your kids to get used to it, but they will and you will all be happier for it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

She is not going to die to have to depend somewhat on the state so she can get her own place! Find the resources and see what can be done for her. THAT is ENOUGH help. By GOD you would only be doing the RIGHT thing for EVERYONE! I know from experience and I have never regretted it; only glad I was able to listen to God better than myself then, in the situation I was in. SAME thing only not my mother. Another relative. It would definitely make her and everyone much happier in the long run. She should feel better knowing she can "do it on her own and have her own space to herself" (though she would be having help). I pray for your strength and mind to do what is right. God Bless :)
Oh yes..forgot to mention....the person I dealt with is still the SAME as they were when I tried to have them live with me and it has been over 15 yrs ago. (I would have ruined my life and my then 1-1/2 yr old had I let them stay any longer).

well, to be honest it seems that your mom is pushing you to make a choice between her and your daughter. I do not mean to sound heartless, but you need to give your mother and ultimatum (sp?)... tell her she either lives by your rules in your house and do as you and your husband wish with your daughter or she HAS to find somewhere else to live. And you have to be firm and stand by it. You cannot back down... for your daughters sake. Things will only get worse the more you let it go on. My first mother in law was similar in character so I have experience with what you are going through...

good luck and God Bless you and your family
S.

hey S.! this is the hardest thing youve ever had to do in your life... but thats exactly what it is: YOUR life! youre trying to do a good thing by helping out your mother, but this seems to be the same (somewhat dangerous) ongoing problems. your mother is taking advantage of your charity. parents shouldnt present there children with their problems, its her responsibility as a parent to take care of you. its not fair to you or your family for her to present her problems to you. she is an adult, and either needs to begin to act as such or you are going to suffer for her actions. you may want to begin looking into support through your local government for help with financial support for the elderly. there is help out there! she is your mother and you will love her unconditionally, but letting her use you as her crutch isnt going to help her. she needs to understand that she needs to be responsible for her actions, and shes going to have to try to help herself. likei said, look into your local government and see what help is there, and good luck sweetie! this really is a tough thing youre going through, and youre very strong for sticking with it as long as you have! ~R.

Your situation is defitnetly a hard one! I am soo sorry to hear the trouble you are having. I think your kids should be your main concern first and foremost. I know its hard to think of not taking care of your mom, but she might need an ultimatum. Tell her if she doesnt follow the house rules and doesnt stop undermining your authority, she will have to leave. Tell her you know she cant afford to live on her own, and you are opening your home to her, but its your house! She must follow some sort of rules and allow you to be your childs parent. It will be hard to tell your young daughter not to listen to her, as she may not understand. Your husband should back you up on this. Tell her if she cant be appreciative of your kindness, then there are plenty of womens shelters or welfare she can turn too. It sounds like tough love, but hopefully is she see's your serious she'll change. A nite or two out of the house could easily change her too. Your daughters health and well being are MOST important, and as a mother herself, you mother should understand. Remind her about what is best for your kids. Be stern, strong and dont back down. If she doesnt think your serious she wont change.

Ok, just some thoughts....hope they help!