I have a very outgoing and fun 5 year old daughter. She gets along with a lot of kids and has a few best friends. However, most of them live far and she doesn't seem to get along with the kids in our street and this is why: I always taught my daughter to be honest to me no matter what and since she was bullied in preschool even came home with bruises, I highly encouraged her to tell me EVERYTHING,especially when someone is being mean to her. However, with her being just 5, she basically takes my instructions literally and is still learning the difference between being honest and being a snitch. The problem with the neighborhood kids started when my daughter tells them "I'll tell on you!" (which she learned from someone else,maybe in school since I don't use that at home) whenever she thinks they're acting mean (This is another thing. We are still in the process of learning what this really means since to her being mean can be as bad as bullying or as trivial as not being bought ice cream). So, I tried to correct that and told her she doesn't have to tell them and to just come see me in private. I also told her that if the other kids want to do something that she can't participate in, that it's okay and she can just ride her scooter until they're ready for her (These kids are 7-10). The reason she's telling on them is either one of them cusses, or they just didn't let her play with them maybe because she's too little for the game, one of the kids has a bad habit of spitting, or some kids like to go run to the other street against their parent's instructions, etc. Long story short, they started ganging up on her, calling her a snitch or a rat, and making fun of her. At first I tried talking to my child and to the other kids as nicely as I could and finally after a few tries, I decided to just keep my daughter inside. What would you do if you were in my situation? Do you think it's because of their age gap that they're incompatible? My plan is to not let her play outside for now, except when it's with the kids that we are close with whom parents that I know and communicate with.
Hi Everyone! Thank you so much for all of your kind and sincere responses! My husband and I try our very best to raise our kids right (i have an 18 month old too). Parenting doesn't come with a handbook,which is why I am so glad for this forum. I am taking all your advises by heart all of which are very enlightening. Rest assured, my daughter is not lacking in outside play. I will never stop her from outside play just because a few kids are incompatible with her. She has an hour of Tae Kwan Do after school and during the weekends, we can always walk to the next street where she's more compatible with all the kids, some of them even older and they adore her. You guys are right. There is some modifying to do when it comes to telling me everything, and like what one of you guys said, it's hard for her to let go if she sees any injustice (LOL). I also agree with the "coolness" factor cos she is fine playing one on one with kids, but it changes when they all start to congregate. Also, I will never stop her from telling me everything. One of the stories my child told them on was that one of the kids told my 5yo a sexual story they saw on TV. They are not compatible, and that's okay. For now, we will step back from these certain group of kids and stick to those who we are familiar with. I just thought since they live closer, maybe it was worth the try. Plus, they are the ones knocking on our door asking if my daughter can play with them. Again, it's all good until the group gets bigger. Thanks again!
PS: She has two close friends in our street that are of her same age but they play almost everyday and I figured maybe we should try expanding. Her two close friends aren't allowed to play with these certain kids either for their own personal reasons. It's just that during the Thanksgiving break, both her close friends went out of state for vacation.
She can play outside in her own yard and she doesn't have to play with the neighborhood kids.
Arrange play dates with her friends from school.
There is a huge difference between 5-7 for sure. That being true, a 7 y/o on their own would probably interact fine and engage a 5 y/o in play. However…if the other kids are between 7-10, you have to remember that that 7 y/o is also trying to vie for play time and coolness. They are going to snub your daughter just the same to be able to hang out with the bigger kids, and trust me those 10 y/os are schooling that 7 y/o too!
If I were in that situation I would probably do one of two things…not let her out to play with them or two, talk with her about what has been happening, how she can deal with it and then let her out to play. But, if she comes back complaining or tattling I would simply say something like maybe you shouldn't play with those kids anymore or that she knows what to expect with that group and she can choose not to play.
Regardless which of those I picked, I think you should try to find some kids her age and set up play dates. It might help her to try her friendship skills on someone her own age and developmental level.
i think you need to take a step back, which is really, really hard. you're trying so hard to help your little girl that you've fallen into the micromanaging trap.
she's 5. you can't speak for her.
it's great that you're trying to work with her on appropriate levels of honesty and other communications, but she's 5. she's not going to get all that nuance.
you must understand how confusing it is to tell her 'be completely honest' and then to *correct* her when she is. of COURSE she takes it literally. she's 5.
the wolfpack corrects this behavior, and it's not always pretty. but that's how she figures out what's honest and what's being a snitch.
you also have to realize the vast gap between 5 and 7. it's not like being 29 and 31.
and you also committed the cardinal sin of trying to fix things for your kid by fixing the other kids. that never works.
so i'd stop pushing either way. if she wants to go out and give 'er a whirl, i'd let her go. and at this point i wouldn't prep the bejeezies out of her. some role-playing and gentle coaching is part of parenting, but she's already so bogged down in rules that it's getting in her way. let her go out and figure it out. if they reject her, give her a hug and tell her that she'll find other friends. and she will. (you can help with that by finding her some playmates closer to her age.)
but you can't monitor and oversee every interaction. it's really not 'ganging' up when kids call a tattletale a tattletale. it's not bullying for 10 year olds to bump a 5 year old out of their play. and she's not going to learn how to interact with other kids if you keep her inside.
khairete
S.
We have a very similar situation in our neighborhood with one of the 5 year old girls acting similar to your daughter. Her mother wound up basically just not letting the little girl come outside anymore because she was always running home and telling her parents that this kid did this or that kid said that. I could sympathize with the situation because my oldest daughter (who is now 8) is similar - very honest and extremely just! If something isn't fair or right (whether it's about her or someone else) she has a hard time letting it go. We've had our share of neighborhood problems in the past and I've basically had to teach her to toughen up if she wants kids to play with in the neighborhood, as long as no one is getting hurt or being inappropriate, etc. Yes, of course, it doesn't help that there is a big age difference in your neighborhood and it really does depend on the dynamics of the kids as well. We have varying age differences in our neighborhood and more often than not the kids all get along. I feel bad for the little girl whose mom won't let her play outside anymore because I feel like that while it can be a lot of drama, if kids can learn how to free play in their neighborhood it probably teaches them some pretty good social skills that may serve them well later on.
I would not expect older kids to play with a 5 year old in the first place. Of course they avoid her, to them she is a baby.
It's not the age gap. It's because she is a know-it-all snitch (being blunt here). I realize why you originally encouraged her to tell you everything. But now you need to modify that. The rule in our house is that you always always tell if someone could get hurt (someone might hurt you, someone might hurt someone else, or someone might hurt themselves). Otherwise, what other kids do is none of her business. In our house, that even applies to siblings, although it applies even more to non-related kids, because their parents might have different rules than you do.
If other kids are doing something that is against our rules or is simply something my kids don't want to do, their options are to wait until the kids move on to something else, or to leave and find their own entertainment.
I don't know if it's too late for this group of kids, since they already know her as the kid who tells on them. Can you invite just the 7 year old over for a 1 on 1 playdate, so they can get to know each other without the influence of the bigger kids? If not, you might have to be more motivated to set up play dates with kids outside the neighborhood.
I had a mom come to my door and tell me my kids were unkind. It was because they didn't want to play every day with a younger neighbor boy. He came over every day, and my kids declined politely some days, but he was too young to understand. I think this boy had always had play dates set up for him. So it was new to him. Even after I'd tried to sort it out, she wouldn't allow him to play with mine after that and it's a real shame. We live so close and it's a bit awkward.
I wouldn't push friendships with these kids, but I wouldn't keep her in either. Just have her play outside. Kids who naturally would be more compatible will express interest - probably more the 7 year olds. Five years gap is a bit much. And just keep guiding her. The telling on kids thing is pretty normal. Happens with my younger ones and their siblings. They quickly learn that if they keep doing it, the older ones won't be interested in playing with them.
Good luck :)
There is a huge difference between 5 and 10 years old! And the 7 year old in the mix is usually going to want to be cool around the bigger kids and do what they are doing. The 10 year olds may or may not be a good match for your daughter anyway. You can get a group of kids of all ages who play well together, but I have noticed it works best when the big kids are girls. Or if the youngest is a girl it works if she is tough and used to big boys. My 6 year old daughter has an 11 year old brother and so she likes the big boys and is not intimidated in the least. When she was 4 I saw a 7-8 year old boy run up to her and roar/growl very loudly and aggressively in her face because he was playing some kind of pretend monster game with other boys. She just roared back just as loud and then followed him around acting fierce. It really depends on the personality of your child. If you think the other kids are overall nice kids and would be fine for her to play with then I personally would start teaching her NOT to run back to mom to tell on them. She is to handle things herself for the most part. She needs to learn this anyway...it is an important skill. When my son was 5 he had a little bit of a hard time with this so we would role play scenarios with his stuffed animals and go over things he can say when another kid says "x". Both my kids love playing with a mix of different neighborhood kids and I have found it beneficial for them...it helped them both a lot socially. For example when my son was 5 he was sensitive about things and always wanted to get his way. He always wanted the other kids to only play what he wanted to play. And he had a hard time sharing. Yet he thought those bigger neighbor boys were so cool. They basically taught him to take turns with what games they play and that he cannot always get his way. He learned a lot about social interactions that year and really improved.
It's good that you are admitting you have a hand in this, by having created the "tell Mom EVERYTHING!" pattern. Unfortunately, your daughter now thinks that Mom is going to fix every single thing and intervene. Your daughter has to learn that she has responsibility for her own friendships and relationships. And that you will NOT fix things.
She's way to young for the neighborhood kids anyway, and now she has the annoying habit of being a snitch. I don't understand why you wouldn't have her play outside though. Why are you punishing her or teaching her to avoid the outdoors? I'd set up 1-2 play dates a week with kids her own age and temperament, one at your house and one at the other kid's house or another venue (park, playground, etc.). Let the neighborhood kids see that your daughter has other friends, and it will take away the fun of ridiculing her. Teach her the skills in dealing with unpleasant people - which are to ignore rather than yell "I'm telling!" Gently urge her to work out her own relationships rather than come to you for constant refereeing. If she comes to you, have her brainstorm ways to handle it herself rather than give her the answers.
I think you have some "retraining" to do about what your daughter tells you. It's not going to be practical long-term for her to tell you everything - and tweens/teens will absolutely rebel at that. (Even the 7-10 year olds on the street don't want you in their business, or their own parents either. Hence the problem.
She needs to see you as a trusted source for advice, not someone who requires every bit of info. It's not necessary for her to tell you if someone is mean to her! It means, to her, that YOU will fix it. She needs to learn to navigate in social situations, and the only way to do that is to let her do it. She can consult with you, and you can help her role play or brainstorm better ways to do it, but not to the extent that she thinks every conversation with you will be a critique from you about how she could do it better. Kids learn by making mistakes. If the same mistake yields the same unpleasant result, then they learn - yes, the hard way, but also the effective way.
You can use her friendships with kids her own age as a basis for complimenting her on positive steps, and let the neighborhood thing work itself out. Maybe when she's 8, some of the 10 year olds will be good playmates. But not until your daughter matures enough to manage some relationships herself.
There is a world of difference if age 7-10 and your young child. She shouldn't be "playing" with these kids anyway. The older kids are cognitively so much older and it's not going to work. If they were even close to the same developmental stage it would be different.
Obviously she's much less mature than they are and it's sticking out like a sore thumb.
I'd find things for her to do after school in her own yard where they can't interfere with her. I'd also arrange some friends to come over and spend time with her, away from the older kids.
