My 7 year old is in dance class. She is always comparing herself to others. She also ranks how good people are based on where they are located in the routines. Is this normal? I try to tell her that everyone does a great job. She also gets upset if there is a trick one of her friends can do that she can't.
Thank you everyone for your responses. They were all very helpful and encourageing.
Yes, it is Competative Dance, however, we do it because she loves dancing on stage. I always tell her that it is not about winning it is about having fun. Last year at her first Competiton the owner of the studio was telling them they had to practice a lot so they can win. I did have a problem with that because I felt it was too much pressure for a 6 or 7 year old and I think most of the moms at the studio felt the same. After that first competiion they did not pressure the girls anymore. I don't beleive there is anymore talk about having to win.
Emphasize that she do her best and set goals for herself and not be so obsessed with others, but yes, normal. She could keep a written log of her own progress, struggles, etc as a useful activity. Redirect the focus.
A little competitiveness is ok.
Obsessing about it isn't.
The trick is to get her to compare herself TO herself - to measure her improvement in her own performance.
If there's something that's hard for her to do, then practicing will help, and eventually she'll be able to do it a lot better than she's doing it now.
Some level of competition is healthy. Without it we would never be encouraged to do better. On the otherhand we are all different and our capabilities are different.
I think this would be a good time and good age to teach her to take the focus off comparing herself to others. Otherwise she will set herself up for a lifetime of heartache and frustration if she is always trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Normal, but I do my best to discourage it. Whenever my son isn't best at something, I point out to him that everyone has talents. He might not run as fast as XXX, but he's really good at throwing the ball at baseball practice. I also use this in the opposite way if he criticizes someone else. Yes, XXX doesn't do math as quickly as you do, but he's really good at reading. Everyone has their own things that they are good at. Or whatever.
What I don't do is try to pretend that everyone is equally good at everything. He can see that this is clearly not true. So that's why I point out that everyone has different strengths.
I agree that some competition is healthy, but it will backfire if she's always the top or always the bottom. I think it's good for a kid to be in an array of activities, some where she excels and some where she struggles but hopefully enjoys it anyway. That is a good way to learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that winning is good, but failure can have its lessons, too.
Hazel's right; this is a way that kids this age start to organize their worlds: Who's best at what? It's developmental but I would also be sure that there's nothing about this dance program that is encouraging competitiveness that might not be positive.
A few things to look at: Does she do this with academics, at school? For instance, does she focus hard on her grade and whether her friends had higher or lower grades? Does she tend to ask other kids what they got on a test or assignment?
Does she seem competitive even in play situations? For instance, do play dates seem to turn into "Let's play soccer/ball/do tumbling" with her seeming to want to "beat" her friend? Or do play dates tend more toward actual cooperative play, pretending, etc.?
I would look at whether she has a competitive or "comparing" streak in other parts of her life. It seems to me that people (both adults and kids) who compare themselves to others a lot tend to do it in most activities--not just one.
If she is only or primarily like this in dance....Is this a competitive dance program? One of those where kids do routines in teams and then go to competitions for awards? I'm guessing it is, since you refer to "tricks" and "locations" in routines. I have to admit my bias here -- my daughter dances extensively and has for years (she's 12) but she does ballet and modern dance in a school where they do not do competitions. I suggest you observe not only her own dance classes but other classes at her studio very closely; does this program encourage girls to be competitive toward each other? Are negative comments by one girl about another (You can't do it; why don't you practice right; too bad you're not in the front group of this routine, etc.) ignored or glossed over? Do teachers raise their voices, yell at girls who "can't get it right," tolerate bad behavior from girls who seem to be favored performers? If you see things like that -- run, don't walk; this could be a program that is encouraging competitiveness that is not healthy. If the program seems fine, supportive, and does not tolerate girls treating each other poorly, then you might need to consider whether your daughter is just in a phase where she is comparing herself to others in many things, or whether this particular activity is bringing out comparisons -- and maybe insecurities -- that arent' working well for your daughter. I'm not saying give up dance, but you could look into non-competitive forms of dance, or talk with her current dance teachers about what they recommend. A talk with a dance teacher who tells her that she should not compare herself to others could go a long way toward getting her past this; kids listen to a teacher differently from how they'll listen to a parent.
Be on the watch for her getting too tough on herself. If she compares herself to others and always finds herself lacking, or often says "I'm no good at this," etc., you will need to work with her and be sure she's not gettiing into a funk that could lead her to poor body image, or pushing herself in ways she's not physically ready for.
Pretty normal for the age of seven. If you look at charts on child development/seven year old social/emotional development, this seems to fit right in with their being very competitive at this age and wanting to win.
It sounds like she's created a way to 'rank' everyone which makes sense to her. (also typical 'trying to make sense of their world' development for this age)
I'd focus, as B suggested, on helping her self-assess her own self and keep reminding her that her assessments are only *her* opinion and not necessarily that of the instructor. Reminding her also to be kind in how she speaks of others is important.
This, from a child development website:
"The seven year old wants to be perfect and is very hard on himself when he doesn't live up to his high goals. He only wants to show his parents his 100 papers and is deeply concerned about and ashamed of his mistakes....He desires to be perfect and is quite self-critical
worries more"
(from http://www.allthedaze.com/7.html )
I think the ranking is a way to protect her ego, personally. One suggestion: "Encourage cooperative rather than competitive games. Help all children feel like winners....Help ease the tendency for self-criticism by stressing what he’s learned rather than how the final product looks."~ I like this. I think that if you can more or less ignore her 'ranking' others ("Well, sweetie, that's how *you* feel about it, but I'm not sure that's how (instructor) feels about it") and keep her focused on herself and her own progress, that will be helpful.
Even in younger ages, too, kids compare themselves to other kids to make themselves look/seem better. Kind of par for the course at this age. Not fun to hear, but a great opportunity for giving good guidance. I don't have a background in dance, but I was under the impression that placement is more about balancing out the 'look' of the group of dancers... if that's the case, could you speak to that? Or could the instructor address this to the group as a whole? Just an idea...
A healthy competition is ok.
