His bitterness stopped! He's being good to me. I learned from you all. But now, my other question. We have three kids: 2 girls (10 & 12 yrs old;one having autism), a teen (boy/man)that's 14. I have always tried to engage him but he's either too tired, too broke, "hates restaurants, cinemas", etc. Basically, he's all about himself, self-absorbed. I have been doing the parenting 90% but I see how his boy needs a man and his girls also. I do not understand how such a brilliant engineer, musician, craftsman, diver,camper, cook hasn't an interest in teaching and guiding his own children. He's responsible at work, going to college for his masters degree(2 nights a week, comes home and plays his music or watches movies.
Lately, I asked him to devote just 15 minutes to ea, he said yes but didn't do it. Next week I asked him to check the clock-I said, "please, only 10 mins" and he neglected it again "because they didn't have homework".
This labor day weekend he "needs to "rest". I will take them to the zoo, beach, restaurant, on my own, on the bus.
Gals, give me some ideas.
I discovered my husband suffers from Aspergers - a disorder where he is unable to relate to the emotions of others. Once I accepted it, he felt understood. Now I use his strengths as a role model and avoid nagging him on what he "can't do". It's like asking him to grow an arm he does not have. I will attempt the outings but with a different paradigm. My eyes are open after 30 yrs. due to this website and the feedback you take time to give me.
maybe start with planning a trip once a month for him to do with each kid like fishing or something that he's into and plan everything around it. Let family and friends know that he's busy that day and get the kids involved in reminding him and getting him excited about the trip. Then slowly start doing it more frequently like twice a month then once a week
Stay home, their his kids too. He produced this Movie, give him a starring role. Don't put up for less, you will regret it.
Dear S.,
You need to prepare yourself for being a single parent. The children will have a relationship with their father - just like millions of others do - if he does not live in the home with them. He is absent while being present.
There are thousands and millions of men like that, they are wonderful, but stunted emotionally, and you need to have a full life too. Yes, you are devoted to your children and you need to be deciding that you are valuable and need to be able to do things that are fulfilling to you as a person too. So, think, think, and do. C. N.
My suggestion is that you try to remember the things that you loved to do with your dad… and maybe nudge your husband in the direction of those activities. Make it as easy as possible for him. It doesn’t sound like he is a natural with kids, but if you provide the inspiration and the materials; he might gain confidence as he gets to know his children better. Some suggestions:
1) Coin collecting – just get some empty coin collecting books and put “Dad” on one, and your children’s names on the others. Then get rolls of pennies from the bank. Inexpensive. I used to do this with my father. He would bring home his spare change and put it into a jar. My brothers and I would sit on the floor or at the table and sort the coins with him. As we were sorting through the coins he would tell us stories about his childhood or lecture us on various subjects. Sometimes we didn’t do much talking. We just sat close together and sorted coins. It’s one of my fondest memories of my Father.
2) Rockets. I used to love to launch toy rockets with my dad and brothers on our street & at the park.
3) Reinvigorate the family albums. Have each of your children create a family album that they will take with them when they move out or go to college. Can you get your husband’s mother to give you pictures of him in childhood? You should get some of you as a child too. Children of all ages are curious about who their parents were before they were parents. Take some new photos too.
4) Would he build the kids a backyard clubhouse or a go-cart? Maybe they could help or at least watch him build these.
5) Start a family blog or website.
6) Can he help the kids build bird feeders & bird houses? You can get a bird book so you can identify the birds that show up in your yard.
7) Perhaps your girls would enjoy baking some cookies for their dad to take to work to share with his colleagues?
8) Frame some small pictures of the kids for your husband to keep on his desk. Put photos in his wallet and on his cell phone so he can show them to people.
9) What were your husband’s favorite movies from his youth? Rent those and watch them with the kids.
10) Backyard camping.
11) Barbecue.
12) Take family hikes, or send him with just the kids, or just one kid.
13) Install a basketball hoop on the garage door & let him shoot hoops with the kids.
14) Read books out loud.
15) Have a puzzle on the kitchen table that everyone can work on together.
16) Board games, cards, chess.
17) When the weather gets colder, take a trip up to the snow and go sledding with the kids.
Perhaps some of these resonate as activities your husband would enjoy doing with the kiddos. Best of luck!
P.S. On another note, you might find this directory of services for children with disabilities useful:
Right off the bat, I agree with Cheryl's response. Additionally, while I think a family meeting would be good, I don't think he will commit to it. I would talk to your children to find out what their feelings are without influencing them, then have them express those feelings to your husband. Whether or not he responds, it seems important that they learn how to express their hurt, anger, feelings of loss, whatever it is so they don't emulate his behavior by withdrawing from people. When I need for my husband to make changes, I find it has been easier for him to see what he's doing by changing the conversation to point out how it affects the kids. I would suggest some sort of counseling for you, to begin with, to deal with everything. Maybe a support group for your daughter, possibly free, then you get out of the house for a while too. I also think you need to stay home if he is not going to go with you. You're playing right into what he wants-- it's just too much and only builds up the anger, I would imagine. The kids will be fine at home and your husband will have to interact. Small steps. Stay strong S..
Hi S.,
Your husband sounds like he is suffering from depression to me. Don't take it personally. I know this probably would be next to impossible for your children to understand right now- but I think your husband needs to see a doctor (if he prefers the conventional way of treating things). I have a wonderful one if you would like his name and number. Otherwise, you might want to go to www.herbdoc.com and check out the products there. My friend was diagnosed with breast cancer a while back. Her doctor wanted her to have the radiation and the chemo, but she opted to go this other route instead. She told me today that she had her mammogram done again and she is 100% cancer free! I have the names of what she took (one thing actually destroys the cancer cells themselves), however, I am going to order from www.herbdoc.com myself. Read the stories from people. I think your husband would benefit from the 30 day detox or something of that nature to start out. Read about the products and try them out. I would do that before I would start on any meds as they are toxic to our bodies as helpful as they may be. Your husband also should minimize his yeast, sugar and carb intake. Carbs turn into sugar in our bodies, and the yeast feeds off the sugar. The excessive amounts of yeast in our bodies can cause depression, cloudiness, and moodiness etc. Yeast can literally drive us insane!!! It messes up our nerves/nervous systems... our entire bodies suffer as a result which then affects us mentally and spiritually. He can start to take some Candida Cleanse, too... If you talk to him and you are excited and hopeful about his being able to feel better, I'm sure a spark of positive hope is just what he needs. It isn't you and it isn't the kids. I guarantee it. His spirit is hurting, too. See what you think and let me know. It sounds as if he is in a very painful spot mentally that he may not even realize, but it isn't that difficult to fix!
Blessings to you and yours!
Jennifer
Hi S., I think you need to let your kids, let dad know, hey dad we need you, we your time and attention, If you take them everywhere, then all's you are doing is making it easier for him not to. What comes natural to us moms, doesn't always for dads, a lot of them have to be taught. The fact that you have daughters, they are going to need to be closer to him thatn any other male in their life, I contribute a lot of my 19 year old daughters values, and morals to her dad, he has always validated her worth so she didn't need that from some guy,since she was like 12, he has always asked her does anyone love you more than i do, and at 19 he stills asks her that, girls need their dads, and there is going to come a time Sylivia where your girls will need him more than you, I know this to be true, Yours boy one day will be as busy as your husband, and your husband needs to realize that if he does not have/make time for his kids, when they are grown there is a good chance the won't make/have time for him, you can let him read this if you want to. It is a proven fact that most teenage girls that are permiscuious or have sex with men at a young age, are girsl who's fathers are not actively in their lives, my husband has always known this, and he and my daughter can talk about everything. My oldest son is 24 he will be 25 in October, and is just like his dad, and my middle son is more like me, but has a great relationship with his father. My husband was in the military so he did miss out on some things, but when he could be, for games, openghouses, plays, awards assemblys he was there, anmd he made sure that his relationship with all his kids were that bbetter than what you would have with a best friends, and the results are amazing. I am not telling you all of this to boast or brag, or to impress you but to impress upon you the importances of a father leading his household, and really connceting from the heart with children, and so he can read this, you have to e-mail it to him, he will get the picture, and he will either see the value in or he won't, but don't make things easier for him bt you halling the kids every where. When are kids were younger one day a week he took each out where ever they want to go within reason, out daughter was always Dairy queen. thios was his way of having one on one time with each one of his children. J. L.
if you would like to talk furture my e-mail is ____@____.com.
Having a child with autism as we do can be tough, and it sounds like you are "doing" alot... he may need a few hours of you being gone (out of the house) to have a relationship with the kids, or even one at a time. Is it possible that you are so efficient that he would feel inferior if he tried? You are probably amazing at everything you are asking him to do and how can he compete.
Men are so simple, so maybe plan to be gone once a week when he is home and let it play out. Your kids are old enough to be alone. He sounds accomplished in many areas but needs more time. I have a 17 year old son with autism and luckily his Dad is super involved. You must have super high energy! Give him a chance to have the low energy time with the kid (s). Even if they don't "do" anything what's wrong with that? Did you parents take you somewhere every weekend? not me, either.
give it a try, low key... and good luck. deb
S.,
I know I'm late but better late then never. Right?
I'm sorta in the same boat. My husband is only interested in the kids if they are in a sport that he likes. When they were younger he would take them each on their own date/day. They got to pick thier place or activity and he would take them for a few hours. This wasn't fare to me because I had them all the time and I wasn't the fun parent because I didn't get money to spend on them. I finally put my foot down and said if you get a date with each so do I. And I started taking them. Of course I watched other kids after school to make my own money because my pay check went to bills.
I would ask my husband to play a game with us or read Christmas stories or whatever, he always said he was busy working. Now that my kids are older they see that working to him means playing on the computer or watching TV. They have seen his actions when we do something as a family. Anytime we had something scheduled Dad invites his best friend who is single. (I really like his friend, he's great with my kids and there is no physical atraction to worry about) the problem with this is dad forgets we exist, his friend is actually more involved with us then dad is. He will walk 10 spaces ahead of us, his friend, by my side. We had a meeting about him being nice to me and that has been better, most of the time he's good. But my husband found my daughters phone ringing at 2am and looked at it, he found a tex message about her hating her dad. He came to me and said that's it, I'm not doing anything extra for her and when she hits 18 she can get her butt out of my house. (At the time that would be 8 months away). I talked to him about it (my kids and I are very close we talk about everything). I told him that maybe he didn't care about her leaving but I did. I want my kids to be here for every holiday, I want them to want to be here. I don't want to be like your mother's house where no-one want's to spend the holidays. So you need to think about what you are going to say to her and how you are going to make yourself a better parent, so that she does love you. Because if your not even going to try don't expect me to be here by your side alone on holidays. I'm going with them.
We had a meeting with both my girls because they both act the same with their dad. It started well, they both said their peace then all of a sudden my husband said, well you will just have to deal with it that's just the way I am, I never had a dad to teach me anything different. (his dad walked out when he was 10). So I jumped in and said that's not fair. If the girls are going to work on this then you are too. I asked the girls what they wanted from their dad, and I asked him what he wanted from them, & I made the compromise, in easy words I repeated to both sides how this would work in their favor and we ended the meeting. Things were better for a while I still think they are working on it, but have decided that I can't change anyone, they have to want to change and change themselves.
My husband misses out on alot, I see them growing fast 20 years isn't long enough. But when I die I will know that I did my best in loving them and being their for them and truly knowing them. They have learned that they don't want to be like him. I have tride to teach them that they need to be very aware of their actions because it does rub of on others. That if you don't like these things in your dad then do your best to keep your eyes open and be better then thoses who do things you don't like. Always remember to treat others the way you wish to be treated. This is the best I can do.
I have thought of leaving him, but my stupid heart still loves this idiot. When things are good they are really really great. I try to focus my thoughts their, But his menstral cycle moodiness makes me want to jump off a cliff. Of course he won't see anyone for this because it's me not him in his mind. My kids and I know better. And I would never leave them to deal with him on their own.
I don't know if my story will help, but maybe 15 or 10 minutes is asking to much, maybe a date with dad is better. One kid a month is how we did it. This way it was on the calendar at the begining of the month and the kids had a day/date they new was all theirs to have dad's attention. You can only tell him he's missing out, you can't make him want to change. Best of luck to you. My heart and sole go out to you with lots of prayers to make this better. Good Luck! J.
Sweet S....I feel your pain. I had a similar situation. My husband finished school in 2001 (we married in 1989) and he also got older and suddenly realized that he needed to find his place within our home. He is much more committed to the family, spending time with the kids, making the time with them count. I am not suggesting you wait for him to wake up and smell the coffee, though. Without nagging him non-stop, remind him that he will regret how much he is missed if his children continue to grow up without a relationship with him. I wish I had been more assertive and hadn't let it go on as long as it did.
Hi S.:
One step at a time.Treating you with more respect,should bring with it,his assistance in raising his children.His position on how things should be run in the home,have everything to do with how he was brought up.It would appear,he comes from a family,where the father did nothing but work,and his own mother was left to take care of it all at home.Unfortunately,alot of men,still live by these old standards.Life,and our economy today,requires many couples to both work to make ends meet,yet,alot of men still feel strongly about being the head of the household,(the bread-winner)and they think it rational for the woman to continue to be responsible for raising their children,and running the home.They seem to have forgotten,that times have changed considerably.Wether A woman works eight hours outside the home,or works all day in the home,she is entitled to some rest and relaxation at the end of her busy day as well. I know, it was frustrating,and disheartening for me, when I was waiting on my kids all day long,shopping,cooking and doing laundry,then after a hectic day,my husband would come home, plop down in front of the tv set,and ask what was for dinner.Oh boy....Now I get to wait on him!! When is it our turn? When do we sit down and get to be waited on? My four sisters and I were talking about it one day,and we came to the conclusion,that our day will be when we're to old and senile to enjoy it! We'll be in a retirement home, someone will be spoon feeding us!!! and we'll be drewling all over ourselves! lol ! In todays world,couples,husbands and wives,work together as a team.They help one another physically,and emotionally.Children need the structure, security and love of both parents to grow into healthy,happy, active, productive,responsible individuals.Your husband is obviously an intelligent man. He works,and feels he deserves to relax at the end of his day,but he needs to remember his better half,and that she deserves a break as well.My idea for you,is suggest to your husband,that you can't do it all by yourself any longer.You can't get any help from him,so,you'd like to employ a nanny a couple days a week.Then.....Let him check the cost himself...: ) If he flips at the cost,maybe at the very least,he will see your all day and all night job there at home is a (high paying job,that deserves a (break)I wish you the best S.. J.
WOW its not going to get any better the longer you stay with him. I would write a pro/con list of why you're still with him, this helps you see the bigger picture. I would charge him for babysitting and get out to enjoy yourself which you deserve more than you know. Do know this youre kids will know who was there for them later in life. Have you tried counseling? I would write a wish list of all your hopes and dreams, and cross out everything your;re finally going to do for yourself. Life is way toooooo short to waste on this drama. Have you read the book the secret? I am and its really opened me up to major changes in my life.
why are you still living with this selfish, self-absorbed man? He is a very poor role model for your children and may be doing them more harm than good by living in the same house with you.
Hi S.:
My little one just got diagnosed with being on the autism spectrum (probably Asperger's), so I've been doing a lot of reading on the topic and admitting have been seeing things through an autism lens, so to speak.
The things you mentioned about your husband does sound a bit like he could have Asperger's. How is he with you? Can you discuss emotions with him? Have a good two-way conversation? There really does seem to be a genetic component to these issues, and the fact that your daughter is autistic made me wonder.
If this is the case, it doesn't really excuse the behavior, but it may explain it. He made need interventions to get help in this area.
Just a thought!
I would give him an ultimatum about splitting the parenting, chores, etc. or seeing a marriage counselor. My husband and I are seeing one now after many fights (our daughter is 20 1/2 mos. old and we have a teenager also).
Take yourself to the beach and leave the kid's at home. A note telling him where you are is polite and will get the point across. You are not being unfair to the children. There are 3 days left of the holiday to do something with everyone in the family
stop asking him to do things with the kids, and let the kids ask him, next time they need a ride someplace let dad take them, your to available all the time, He needs what rest, being a parent there is a thing called rest, never heard of it, do this mom, pack the car, tell him to get in, grab the kids and go someplace for a few hours, sound like he is avoiding being a parent, it might be he has no idea how to be... did he have parents, umm like I said your to available all the time, you need to get busy with something else, let the kids ask for the attention..
Maybe you could video tape the kids telling him how they feel about him not really being a part of their lives and then play it for him with the kids in the room. Or if your kids are brave enough, have a family meeting and have them tell him to his face. I had a sit down like that with my Dad when I was about 16 years old, I just told him everything that I felt and how he hurt my feelings by not even trying to come to my volleyball games and complaining all the time when he was forced to do anything with me and my sister. It took about two hours, and there were times where I was yelling at him, crying, and then just plain talking to him. I know that really hit him hard and he made big changes immediately afterward.
He sounds selfish. Get some counseling-now.
