My Brothers Moved In

Hi T.,

I understand your concerns with telling your mother to take your brother back into her home and to expect her to properly care for him. It sounds to me like you know that won't happen. It also sounds like your mom stuck you with this problem just in time for her child support "gravy train" to run out. How long has your brother been living with you? If he was 17 when he arrived and he was residing with you while your mom collected child support for him, you may be entitled to that child support money retroactively. Talk to an attorney. (Your initial consultation should be free.) Don't let the fact that you're involving a lawyer and demanding help for bailing your mom out of parenthood cloud your judgement, either. She had no problem dropping your brother on your doorstep. You shouldn't have any problem asking for compensation for becoming your brother's "mom".

In the meantime, would it be possible for your brother to get a part time job to at least cover some of his own expenses? Especially now that summer's here, getting his feet wet in the work force might actually be a good idea. Will he be going to college after high school? He can get student loans for that and pay them back after he graduates. (That's what my husband & I did.) Then, he'll only need a place to stay during school vacations. Also, and I hesitate to suggest this, but if he's 18 and can't support himself, he may be eligible for some kind of public assistance (like food stamps, medicaid, etc.) as a temporary solution to covering his living expenses.

All the advice aside, you sound like a selfless and loving person. Taking care of your brother when no one else would and refusing to reject him is not only the right and noble thing to do, but you're 2 year old is learning by your example. You're awesome. Best of luck to you and your family.

No, its not fair to you. It would be damaging to him to feel that no one wants him though. If I were in your position, I would call your brothers father and alert him to your brother's living arrangement. Ask that the child support be sent directly to you. If the courts handle it, I would address the court to have the money sent directly to you. The money is for his welfare, not hers. I am sure your brother's father would be irrate to learn what your mother is doing.

He should have a job to pay for his own groceries and help you out with utilities! Mostly, I would call your mother and ask her which one of you gave birth to him! If she is getting child support, you tell her some needs to get directed to you or you will take her to court. It is time to stop being nice and stop being pushed around. At the same time, sit down with your brother and explain the finances to him. Tell him that whatever battle you get into with your mom isn't about whether or not you love him. You love him and you don't mind him being there, but you need money to make it happen. He can go to publix today and get a job to help out. Make sure he understands this isn't about love, it is about making life less stressful for your family. Good luck and see a lawyer!

Hi T.;

Let me first say that I feel for you, I know how hard it is to be young and raising your own child, and trying to make ends meet in your own family, and you are a saint for helping your brother. With that said, I've read the replies, and I have to agree with Julianna, when she talks about getting an attorney, you should definitely look into that. Your mother has absolutely no right what so ever to ask you to raise your brother if she is receiving child support and not giving it to you in return for your taking him in. While she may be only thinking of her self and her freedom, we have to think of your brother, I couldn't imagine the pain one may feel from not being wanted by his own mother, regardless of age. I know that it's hard to bring another mouth to feed into an already struggling household, but I know how it feels to know you're the only one that person has to turn to. I've been in that predicament more than once since I've been married and had children. Don't give up, I know that your brother will help you as best he can, and there's always a bright side to situations such as these, if anything you're atleast paying it forward, and in time, good will come from your good doing. A couple of years ago my brother-in-law, the twin brother to my husband, age 34 at the time, was divorced shortly after we moved to NY, and only after 3 months of marriage. We told him it was ok that he moved out of his mom's and up to NY with us. We took care of him, fed him, payed for his gym membership, his tanning, his protein shake things, and so much more. after almost a year he finally got a job to move back to FL, but all he had to do was pay his mom back for the plane ticket, so needless to say, he worked for over two months and only had an obligated 200 dollars to pay, but yet we never received anything, not really even a thank you for all that we did for him, and yet, by some wierd kindness that my husband and I share, we'd do it again. But on another note, my brother, who we also said could move in with us, did pay rent, and was always willing to help with groceries and so on, which did help us tremendously. My point is that we do things for our families to help them in their time of need, and in due time, when we are in need, we hope that they will remember what we did for them and help us in return, but never expect anything. You're brother is going into the military, and that's a huge step, and something very noble, the last thing he needs before going through something such as this, is to have everyone turn their backs on him, and as hard as it may be at times, just remember that everyone needs someone, and if your mother can't be there for him, then you are the only one he has, and hopefully one day he'll return the favor. It's hard for me to give advice on this situation because I've always been that person that can't say no, and I can't turn my back on anyone, and I've always been the one to give until I have nothing left, so all I can really offer is my experience, and hopefully some inspiration. I hope this helps you, and I hope that everything comes together for you. Life, for most of us, only offers the bumpiest of roads, our jobs are to make sure that we can figure out how to get safely to the end. Keep us updated, and take care. If you ever need to talk you can message me if you like, I'm a great shoulder.

Candi ;O)

If your brother is a high school graduate, who can drive, has a job AND is 18... he is no one's responsibility except his own! You need not only to talk with your mother, but you need to talk to your brother and tell him HE needs to grow up and be responsible. If he is going to stay with you he needs to pay for his room and board and if he doesn't he can find another place to live. There may be other extenuating circumstances that I am not aware of, however, he is a legal adult at 18 and needs to act like one. I know it's your family, but you need to be strong and stand up for yourself, your husband and your 2 year old son... they are your family too. I wish you the best of luck and will pray that everything will turn out OK.

Find out how long she is going to be getting the child support it maybe until he is 21/finishes College - who knows but what ever it is go to court and get it directed to you. If you have been providing for him while he has been covered by child support orders then you should get the money. Talk to an attorney about all your rights and your brother's rights. Do this NOW

Also begin a notebook and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING related to this brother and your younger one - if she EVER Pulls this stunt again IMMEDIATELY Take her to court - Get an attorney through the Bar that does "Legal Aid" ProBono in this type of situation - Make sure your brother gets a Guardian Ad Litum (FREE Through the Courts) and SUE her for Custody and have the Child Support transfered to you. Make her aware that if ANYTHING should happen to your younger brother you will hold her personally responsible and will call the appropriate child protective agencies. Also I would make sure your younger brother knows that he has a safe place with you, she is a poor excuse for a mother and it maybe difficult but you may have to do what is necessary for your brothers and if it means getting your younger one away from her and getting the child support then do it.

I would think your brother is old enough to get a part time job to help you out.

Hi T...I know you don't want to hurt your brother's feelings. I wouldn't either. There are questions to be answered..
#1..Is your mother still collecting child support for your brother? If so, and he is not of legal age where you live, you can file for temporary custody and collect the child support yourself.
#2..is your brother still working? If so, he can help by paying rent to stay with you.
#3..Check with social services in your area and see if you qualify for assistance...food stamps, medicaid, etc.

I hope this has helped. Your brother must feel awful knowing that your mother is pushing him off on you. Please do your best to make him feel wanted. It will make a lot of difference in his adult life just knowing that you love and want him. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

A.

Wow, that's a hard one! How does your brother feel about this? Does he know? This must be pretty hurful to him, not being wanted anywhere. So first, I guess I'd say try not to let him know about all that. Secondly, if he's 18, he's his own responsibilitly - not yours or your mom's, technically. Leaving your mom out of it, because there's obviously a lot of issues between you, I recommend having a heart to heart with your brother (in a kind, sensitive way) about him getting his own place now and finding a roommate. Explain that you love him very much and that it will better for him to be on his own now. Or, if he's not ready, develop a timeline for when he can and how he'll do it, you know?
Good luck!
take care,
L.

Your brother is definately old enought to get a job and tell him he has to help with the expenses if he is going to be there. He is not a little boy anymore -he is a young man. Let him live with you if he helps out with the expenses.

Have you told your mom your side?? Maybe you need to sit her down and tell her that you dont have the money to support him and either she does or he will have to go to work! (which is not a bad thing either.) He should be able to pay for his clothes and give you something to help out with the expenses.

Is it possible for your brother to get a job (even part time) and contribute so much a week to the household? That would offset the cost of having him there, and he could do chores or even babysit to help out additionally. I totally understand your dilemma, but turning out your brother will send a message about family being devalued to your young son, who has a great chance to bond and grow with his uncle. I would simply sever ties with your mother until she can prove that she is capable of responsibility. Also, you may consider reporting her to the family court for misappropriating child support funds and not caring for her son. Good luck!!

I am sorry for what you are going through. That being said, your brother is 18? If he wants to live with you then set some boundaries. He gets a job and helps out. Then call and inform your mother that she will immediatly turn over all support checks to you or you will be informing her ex and the state that her son is no longer under her household and she is fraudulently accepting and spending money that is rightfully his. Then, and here's the biggie, follow through!! If you don't want to be walked on get up off the floor. It sounds harsh but someone told me that long ago and it helps. It helps you to understand that you don't have to be a victim you can stand up and set normal healthy boundaries. It doesn't make you a bad sister it makes you a good person and your son will learn positive ways to deal with un-healthy people from you. So go girl you can do it!
H.
34 yr old mom to 2 gorgeous boys 7 and 7 mos old.

If your mother does not want him and you can not help him talk to HIM not your mother, tell him you can not have him there anymore and ask him to get a job and find a place to live. You have your own family and that comes first, in truth he is not your responsibility and he is old enough to fend for himself. Offer emotional support and that he is welcome to hang out with you and your family and that you still love him, that he is not the problem but the finances do not allow you to do this
It is better to have one red moment than a 100 yellow ones. And if you do not tell him this you may grow to resent him and things could get ugly and might slip something hurtful that you won't be able to take back. Plus having a stressful situation could also hurt your marriage and even stress out your child.

Take care of your brother because in your heart, you want to do the right thing and it's not his fault. Since he's 18, he can earn his keep and pay a portion of food/rent/expenses toward your household budget. It's just got to be. Money only goes so far, especially these days. Explain to him he's got to help out and pretty soon, he'll be expected to get his own apartment. Let him know this is not a free ride. Everyone pulls their own weight. Assign him some chores, too. If he's under your roof, he should be pitching in, helping with the baby, laundry, dishes, etc. You won't want to make him feel like a guest because if it's too cushy, he'll never leave.

As far as your mother is concerned, she sounds like a toxic person. I'd stay as far away as you can. Put your foot down. If she wants to create chaos and foolishness, you let her know she won't be doing it around you. Stand firm and be strong. I know she's your mother (believe me, I've got one, too) but you and your family have to come first. Until I did this with my mother, I was running on a constant hamster wheel for other people and it doesn't matter how fast you run, you're still getting nowhere.

Good luck. You can do it! If you posted here, you're already a smart cookie.

Since your brother is officially an adult now, perhaps you can encourage him to find a roommate & get his own place. If not, then he should certainly get a job & pay his way at your home.

I would call my mom and tell her to come get my brother or send me the child support check and you don't want to hear any excuses. If she refuses to do either tell her you will call child protective services on her for child neglect.