My Daughter Loves Her Grandma (MIL) More than Me! Need Advice and Comfort..

I'm with mymission. This sounds like typical 4 year old manipulation. Ignore it. She is just playing with manipulating reality. it's a fun game they like to play at this age. of course she doesn't prefer grandma, she only does insofar as it upsets you.

4 yr olds are champions of manipulation. Do not let it hurt your feelings.
You have a choice of ignoring it or making her go to her room. I'd make her go to her room because I don't want to hear it. Letting her see it upsets you, is not an option.

Letting Grandma spoil my child is not an option either.id make sure if it's one toy in, then it's one toy out. Greet her with, great, we just found a shelter that will love the old toys! And, what did you bring for little one?

As far as her preference for Grandma, she will out grow it.

When my kids told me they hated me, that's when I knew I was doing a good job.
Give her a choice: you ride in the parade with mom or not at all.
Your child is attempting to manipulate you. Who is the parent?
As for the gifts - donate some of the older toys. Tell your daughter that if 5 new toys come in, then 5 old toys get donated to children who don't have any. You help her choose.

I think maybe less time with Granny Warbucks and more time with mommy. And when Granny shows up imitating Santa Claus, tell her to keep the toys at home - especially if she doesn't treat the children equally.

I also would not let my 4 yr old dictate who did whatever. You want to ride in the parade? You need my permission. And I ride with you.

And if your DD is telling you she hates you she's trying to get to you. She's being a bully. Don't accept that or you're going to have hell on wheels by the time she's 12.

And boo to your husband who is a wuss.

i feel pretty bad for this little girl who has been burdened with such heavy decision-making power in the family at this early age.
she needs a mother who is calm, strong and confident. a mother who won't dissolve when she behaves in a perfectly normal 4 year old fashion. a mother who will courteously tell her grandmother, 'sorry, beulah, i'll be riding in the parade with my daughter. we'll wave! take plenty of pictures!' or 'i'm afraid our kids have more than enough toys right now. let's keep these at your house for them both to play with when they visit.' and 'yes, sweetheart, you do sound angry and it probably feels as if you hate me when i tell you no. but i love you enough for both of us.'
stop putting your daughter in the middle.
khairete
S.

It's because you have allowed her to use you like this. You give in. Tell her choose, to do the parade with you or to not be in it. Period. 2 choices. If she says no parade then find another child who needs an adult to walk with them and let daughter sit on the sidelines watching, not with grandma either.

She needs to see YOU stand up for yourself. Be glad she loves her family and that grandma loves her so. The toys she brings get handed down to the other kiddo so it's not like they aren't getting advantages of what grandma's bringing.

I think you might benefit from some Love and Logic classes.

Don't make this about which person a 4 year old loves the most. It is not a contest so don't play the game.

The real issues are your MIL's favoritism, lack of boundaries and the fact that you seem to be a complete doormat that lets the two of them rule your own home. In addition, your husband is a wimp and allowing the lion to eat his wife.

It is time to start standing up and laying down the law. Forbid more gifts that are not for birthdays/holiday. Forbid unequal treatment of your kids. Forbid your MIL from taking your rightful place as mother. Start disciplining your daughter when she is disrespectful towards you.

I suggest you and your husband get into family counseling and learn some techniques.

So hard!! What role does DH play in this?

My parents act similarly with my son. I almost never buy him toys, they do everytime they see him. Focus on the more important things that you guys do together like cuddling, laughing, playing ect. At this age, they do tend to like people who give them or have great toys. Focus on your own relationship.

it's up to your husband to set new standards of behavior with his mother.

& it's time for both of you to address the inadequacies within your family unit. Time to be in charge. Time to not let your daughter know she's hurting you....you are giving her the power to do so.

watch the "1-2-3 Magic" video & you will learn how to be in charge. :)

My youngest (2.5) is obsessed with me. He doesn't want anyone else to change him, dress him, feed him. He follows me into the other room if I leave. And do you know how many times he has told me he hates me? Probably at least 20 that I can recall. And guess who doesn't really hate me? He is manipulating. What is good is that your daugther and my son are smart enough to know how to do it. What sucks is that they do it.

Honestly, I am not trying to offend you, but I know you are very young (22?). I am 34, and by no means am I saying that makes me wiser, but I must say I have learned so much in those 12 years. I know at 22 I was nowhere near the maturity level I am now, so the hate comments would have bothered me. Now, I just ignore them (rarely punish because with my son it just makes it something he can now do for attention) and move on. Within 2 minutes, he loves mommy again. He is trying to get a reaction out of me, or manipulate me into doing what he wants. I don't, he stops. Works quite well. =)

As you age, you will grow a backbone. But try to start now. How old is your husband? And he is a baby. But I do find that even my husband, who has ZERO problem speaking his mind to everyone, including me, has a hard time saying something to his mom.

If you can get this under control, you actually will have a really good situation on your hands. What I mean is, my MIL sucks. She never brings the kids anything. Easter, she and her hubby show up for dinner at our house, not so much as a chocolate bunny or anything for the kids. And they have the money. And these are their only grandchildren. They are selfish people. Your MIL sounds to be selfless, although a bit overwhelming. So, take charge. Be the mom. After that, it should all fall into place. And be happy you don't have to spend money on things she is buying for you. I honestly would trade you in a heartbeat.

Stop letting your daughter and MIL walk all over you. It really is that simple. You won't believe the peace that comes when you start to take charge of your own happiness. You are the boss in your own home.

Read the book "Boundaries" by Henry CLoud, and any other books that can help build up your self esteem/nerve.

We babysit our granddaughter. I really make sure I keep my wits about me. So easy to spoil them. Right now she is 14 months so we do get her some toys every now and then. We have the money now to be able to treat her to so,e things. Raising our own kids we did not have the money. However, I am aware of the lines drawn. Because we have her five days a week, we cannot spoil her with material things. So probably in a few more months, the treats like toys will be special,occasions only.

I understand where your MIL is coming from, but she has to realize that you are her Mom and you call the shots. Your daughter has to learn this too. She will.

May e you could convince your MIL that quiet, cuddle time is even more important than stuff! Sitting and reading a book,,playing little games. These are the things your daughter will remember. My granddaughter naps in my arms. I love it, she loves it. Her Mom is ok with it. Her pediatrician says how lucky she is to sleep in YiaYias arms. When she is tired she comes up to me, I pick her up, sing,and off to sleep she goes. This is something I hope she will remember. Works for us all.

Is your MIL trying to pay more attention to your older daughter because you are busy with the baby? Is the time you spend with your daughter quality time or are you busy with laundry, cooking and other household chores which is what we all have to do. Perhaps your MIL focuses all her attention on your daughter when they are together. You are taking this very personally because she says she hates you and it hurts your feelings, but she doesn't really hate you, she loves you - you are her mom. I would tell Grandmother that we have enough toys -- that if she buys toys, they stay at Grandma's. If she wants to spoil her grandchildren then consider something like zoo passes for the whole family or a music enrichment/dance program or a donation to the college education funds for both children. You might also have your husband discuss that grandma should treat each girl equally and spend some time with little sister - to develop that bonding relationship she has with big sister and to give you more time to focus on big sister. Good Luck!

She doesn't love her grandma more than you, she loves the stuff her grandma BRINGS. You need to stop this behavior ASAP, tell Grandma that your daughter has too many toys, and while you appreciate the thought, you really cannot accept any more gifts except for birthdays or holidays. Then stick with it. When she shows up, if she gets out of the car with gifts then put them away before your daughter sees them. Reiterate. No more toys. Tell her that her grandkids love her, and are happy with just her company. You are going to end up with a resentful younger child when she realizes she's not getting the same attention and a spoiled and entitled older child. Don't let her teach your kids these lessons!

Hi K.,

I went through this, and still am to a degree.

My mom babysat my oldest every weekday from the time she was 9 weeks old until she was 3.5. They formed a very strong bond. My daughter absolutely loved going over to her Nana's house and would cry when I would come to pick her up after work. It was devastating for me. When I quit my job to stay home with our second baby and oldest, and she had to stop going to Nana's every day, she did not react well. She was resentful for a long time (I'm talking years) about this. Even when she started first grade and was at school all day anyway, she would tell me she wished she was still able to go to Nana's every day.

Now my daughter is 11, and I feel she is still closer to my mom than to me. She always wants to call her with any news she has, or when she's upset. She calls her for comfort when she's upset with me which is frequent. While I'm glad that she has an adult she feels she can go to, I wish it were me!

My only consolation is that my two boys have always been very attached to me, especially my middle child. He is all mine!