My Daughter Visiting Her Father Out of State for the First Time

Do you have a legal separation in place with a court-ordered visitation agreement? If so, then you can legally fall back on that, especially if it hasn't been changed yet.

The address thing is an issue I understand. My ex did the same thing to me, and I was horrified. It led to a big battle. For what it's worth, I can tell you that the court didn't like that when it was presented. But I can also tell you that the court didn't feel that he should have to tell me where they were going if they were taking a vacation.

The emotional things... I can relate to that as well. What is hard to realize is that those things could happen anyway, even if you and he were together. Men just don't have the same understanding of little girls that women do, and sometimes seem to think those girls should just toughen up.

These emotional hurts... how big were they and how hurt was she? Will he allow her to call you whenever she wants to so she has access to talk to you if there are issues?

There's a fine line here. If she's wanting to have that time with him, refusing to let her go can cause issues in your relationship with her. She needs a relationship with her dad, and she needs to see him as he really is. He can try to be the "best dad", but that's much easier to maintain over a weekend, or even a week. Being "best dad" for a few months is impossible. It will be helpful for her to see him as he really is so she doesn't later have fantasies about how the solution to her problems lies in living with dad.

Is he an ex-husband? And is the relationship contentious?

You've discussed with your daughter your concerns about her spending the summer with her father...have you discussed them with him?

K., the first thing you need to do is have an open and honest discussion with your daughter's father. You have put your daughter in a very awkward position of being in the middle of something between you and her father and a child should never be in that position. You need to honestly express to your ex your concerns. There may be a perfectly valid explanation as to why he gave a different address than where he is actually staying. In regards to your daughters' emotional well being, you have every right to be concerned about that and protect her to the best of your ability, but again, unless you have an open and honest discussion about this with her father, you are short changing your daughter from quality time with her father and you are short changing him. Many single mothers would love to have their childrens' father assist with the parenting responsibilities. I have two children and their father never called, visited them or paid child support. They are now 39 and 32 and he is now deceased, so they will never have the opportunity to have a relationship with him. Call him today or this weekend and voice your concerns. Don't make up your mind about the summer so quickly. If there is other family in North Carolina see if they will oversee the visit. Let your child have the opportunity to know her dad. If he is doing something illegal, then address that and explain to your daughter that you love her more than anything and only want what is best for her but because of some of the things her father is involved in at this time, you don't feel that a long term visit would be good right now. Perhaps shorten the visit to one or two weeks for the time being until things settle down for him. But more than anything, talk to the father and voice all of your concerns in a calm tone.

First of all you need to talk to the father and find out about the address change and just flat out talk about the hurtful emotional things he did to your daughter. Men are dumb sometimes and don't realize what they've done. Nobody is perfect. You said you were going to let her stay the summer but now totally changed your mind after this. You must have trusted him a good deal if you were going to let her go in the first place. Maybe you were looking for a reason to not let her go. Not accusing you just saying maybe, I don't know you personally I'm just saying look at it from an outsiders point of view and you may see it differently. Also if you do decide to let her go, you take her down there yourself. Stay in a motel down the road. That way you can see where she'll be spending her time and if problems arise and your not comfortable you'll already be there to take her back.

Hi K.-

The ladys have very well stated the pros and cons.

Communication, communication, communication they key to successful relationships w/your daughter and her father. The lack of communication leads to the destruction and certain demise of your relationships w/your daughter and her father!

Talk honey quickly, openly and honestly w/your daughters father and your daughter.