My Husband Doesn't Get It!! - Farmington,MI

I agree with Lisa. Stop doing his laundry, cooking his meals, or cleaning up after him. If he asks tell him with working full time you don't have the time to do everything and since he's capable he can do his stuff to help out.

I had this same problem with my husband until he was laid off for the summer and we weren't living with his parents anymore so he had to do EVERYTHING. That is when he realized exactly how much there was to do. The only thing he did at his parents' house was mow the lawn. And this is when we had just one child (my daughter from my first marriage). Unfortunaly now I am a SAHM and have to do everything myself again and with 4 kids now. A 17 yr old and 6 yr old triplets.

H.,

That is the story with most husbands, I know there are exceptions to every rule and some women will write they have wonderful, helpful spouses but the rule of thumb is that most husbands don't get it. What you will need to do is give him specific jobs, he won't just see something and do it but most of them if you give them a task they are more than happy to help you. I live in a house full of males and I know just what you mean. When you work outside the home and then come home to a mess it is so discouraging. The stress of it took a huge toll on our marriage a few years ago but we stuck it out and worked it out. As he's gotten older he is more sensitive to me and will often do a chore without being told. I have told my family many times the best gift they could ever give me is to help with the housework. Their hearts are in the right place but I still have to delegate or it won't get done. It's a long road but hang in there.

S.

Well, you are right...he doesn't get it...but he never will. Husbands just don't see what needs to be done. I have a housefull of boys and Im always amazed by what they don't see. I seriously believe it is a difference between men and women, perhaps the way we are raised. I just don't see the need to ask my husband to read my mind. If I need help, I ask for it. He doesn't expect me to be supermom and I don't expect him to be superdad. We do what we can. The other day I had to call him in from outside to bathe the kids...no complaints...he just didn't realize that I had so many things to get done. I would rather do the laundry, dishes and clean the bathroom than mow the lawn...so it's a trade off, not necessarily job for job.

Having kids puts wedded bliss on the backburner, especially when the mom feels like she is overworked and underappreciated. Put your marriage first, let the dishes go. Be honest and up front. Give your hubby a hug and kiss for no reason (like you would before kids) and THEN say, 'Hey, could you get clothes ready for the kids for tomorrow?' So many people let busy-ness come first that they get into the habit of putting their marriage aside 'just for now'... Well, habits are hard to break...and imagine how hard it's going to be to get back what you lose when you've been so far apart for years and no longer have the feelings you did when you first married!

Take the time you need, and put it in hubbys court to get things done, too. Just be up front and loving, you'll get so much more in return!

~L.

I hear you H. :)
My husband helps best when I ask for what I want, not just help. I know others have said that. This morning getting ready for a day out doors. I had to ask could you wash and fill the water bottles. Could you get our daughter dressed, w/ a mention of what the weather is. One of the other ways I ask is "If you want dinner could you" help w/ daughter who wants help or attention...
I've done things like date the pile of clothes he'd left. But got tired of looking at them after a day or so. He didn't even see them. Or stuffed his pillow full of the dirty sox's he left all over. Again it bothered me before he ever noticed.

I love lists, they clearly show whats going on. I'd make a list of all the things that need to be done weekly. Show him saying this is what you've been doing. And ask him to pick x # of them. And nicely suggest if he just does them, you wont have to ask again. Have a ck list so you both can mark off whats been done.
Or maybe just stop doing a few things. You could consider counseling for back up if it doesn't look like he's getting on board.

I'm a stay at home mom, my husband teased me about what do I do all day as a joke this morning. Didn't go over as well as he'd have liked.

It's really about validation, and feeling loved. You could help foster that by appreciating what he does do. (that doesn't mean giving in!) Maybe changing the way you guys interact might help is my point. I'd suggest a book, but I you don't have time to read.

Do something for yourself as well, it always help me.

Good luck, you'll find something that works! A. H

I would make a "list" so to speak with his daily duties. Let him know what you are doing so it doesn't seem unfair. If he still isn't getting things done then start reminding him once you are home about his duties. "Hey while I make dinner why don't you get our son's clothes ready for tomorrow, get the animals fed and fold the clothes in the dryer. Then after dinner we can all go to the park." If he get's upset remind him of the list and say how last week you didn't "nag" him and nothing got done so now you're just giving him a friendly reminder. I hope this helps somewhat and you get some relief.

does your husband do other things like mow the yard, clean the gutters, shovel when it snows, rake the leaves? if he does than he is helping out. it has taken me awhile to relize just because he isn't helping with indoor chores, he does do all the outdoor chores. nagging him won't help. also doing things for him(sexualy) is always a good motivator too.
good luck

H.,

I have been married 16 years and we have 5 boys. I can tell you from experience that my husband is willing to help and wants to help, but most of the time has no clue what to do or what I want him to do. He seems incapable of taking a hint, so that just doesn't work for us.

What I have found to work best is when I need his help with something I need to be specific and phrase in the form of a statement not a question, for example. "You need to put some gas in the van today because its on empty, what time today can you do it?" Comments like "the van needs gas" don't get us anywhere. This is just an example, but would be the same for unloading the dishwsher or mowing the lawn.

Another thing that works for us are lists. Not only for him, make 2 lists. One to show him everything that you will be accomplishing, and one to let him know what you need from him. But when you make the lists be diplomatic about the presentation. Tell him what needs to be done, and that you made a list and this is what you think is a fair division of labor, let him look it over and get his input, ask him if theres any thing that should be on the list that you forgot. Don't kid yourself if you want it done you will have to follow through and keep on him a bit. After awhile when he realizes your serious about it it will be easier. Just try not to make it a battle, show him your list and that you got your stuff done, and ask if he was sincere about his intentions to help. If he was serious about helping this will give him some direction as to what he needs to do. I hope this helps, sometimes I still need to follow the husband a bit but its much better than it used to be.

One thing my mother always told me was " a person can only do to you what you allow them to do". So if you keep complaining but keep doing everything he going to keep doing what he does. Now if it were me, I would sit him down and tell him" this is my last time telling you this you need to help me out", then see what he does. If he does the same old thing just start doing the bare nessaities and when the food runs out get your son and take him out to eat together leave him ( husband) at the house and let him tfigure something out. When all the clothes get dirty wash your clothes and your son's clothes and let him wash his own clothes. When the bills come put them somewhere he can see them unopened and when he asks just say hey I don;t know what to tell you. Then maybe he will appreciate what you do alot more. I know it seems harsh but what he's doing or not doing is harsh on you. Just think of it as tough love. I know you love him but you'll go crazy from trying to do everything by yourself. It would be different if you were a single parent but your not so why live like one. Good Luck!

You know, I would just figure if he helps everywhere else that this is just not his bag. Like picking up a saw for me would not be mine. We all have things that we can do, we just don't.

In other words, focus on the good of something else. Lower your expectations on this. Otherwise, you'll just end up ruminating too much, and then nobody is happy.

I think it's time to expect and ask for more from him. You'll still end up doing more because in my opinion women CAN do more.. we can normally multi-task and men can't as well.

I'd also see if you can hire someone to clean your house. Even if it's once a month you can leave a lot of things go for a month and just do basic maintence.. like clean the bathroom quick while you're in the shower.

Sit down with you hubby and tell him what you need and then ask him what things he'd like to do. Then expect him to do them.. if they aren't done to your liking, just bear with it at least it's better than you doing it.

I can see how you're completely drained and not in the mood... maybe if the two of you work as a team you'll have more energy.

Also, you might consider telling your hubby you're going out for an hour or so of YOU time. I do that every couple weeks and an hour with a coffee just relaxing, journalling or whatever works to help me feel less frustrated.

I've felt at times very overwhelmed, resentful, angry because I feel like my husband isn't doing enough, when part of the reality is that there is just more to do with a baby and the baby needs me esp. the 1st 2 years.

Hope it gets better and you can start working more as a team. When I get frustrated I remember too that it's going to be work to keep a strong marriage, and it would be a LOT more work, money and time to give up and get out of the marriage...

We can all relate. Unfortunately, if you don't fix it, it will snowball into something larger. He isn't doing it on purpose, he just doesn't get it. I found it helpful if you assigned jobs so there is consistency...kind of like a 1st grader. Here are the jobs that my husband was assigned. These are in addition to whatever he does now. This way, you don't really have to keep discussing it. Also, put a to-do list where you can both see it so he gets a sense of all incidentals that prop up. You'll always bear the greater burden, it's just motherhood.

Daily
1. Dinner dishes. I cook, he cleans up.
2. Bath and bed. I get them ready, he puts them to bed.
3. Toy Clean up. He picks up, I organize.

Weekly/Bi-weekly
1. Vaccuum and dust. I hate it and he actually doesn't mind.
2. Put away laundry. I wash and fold, he puts away or vice versa

You def. need to TELL him what to do... Not in a bossy way or nagging way, since that will cause problems on its own... But telling him , honey, could you sweep the floor while I.....
just a warning and it has been said already, He will not do it the way you would. You will have to step back and let him do it his way until he gets more practiced at what ever you are asking THEN say something like hey honey... I read somewhere that its easier this way... Maybe he does it, maybe not... BUT if you give a man a job... Just let him do it.

I also like the suggestion of not doing so much yourself.
Sit down with hubby and TELL him in a nonconfrontational way (do not use words like NEVER (you never) or ALWAYS (I always) that is confrontational... Use statements like when this happens I FEEL... Tell him that you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed because of all the stuff you do. That you feel its affecting YOUR relationship. And ask him for suggestions on what you can "hire out". Even if its hiring a lawn maintenance guy... But I would really suggest a bi weekly or monthly visit from a "house service" aka maid to help out in the house... Or just a teen down the street that can pop in and earn a few extra bucks by sweeping, dusting or folding laundry with you once a week...

I would say that the biggest part is to open yourself up and TELL hubby about your needs... Guys need to fix stuff... (go to youtube and watch a MARK GUNGOR video about mens and womens brains...) use it to your advantage. He will feel like a hero to you and you will get some release.

Good luck!!!

I feel for you. Most men don't get anything and to live with one that doesn't is a drag. But if I were you I would force it on him. (Its mean but hey..) Got to learn some time. Let him know in advance that your leaving earlier then usual for work and he needs to get your son ready. Suggest that he make his lunch (baby stuff) at night so he won't have to in the morning and set out his clothes. It will shock him how much effort you put into being a wife and a mother. But just tell him that you have to leave early, no and's if's or but's. He'll have no choice but to step up and he'll be helping out.

Its a long shot but it just might work.
Good Luck!

H. I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't do anything around the house, sounds like you have two kids not just one. I say stop doing his laundry when he has no clean socks and underwear you can just remind him where the washer and dryer are. I suggest go on a mini strike, stop doing things for him! He will get the point eventually.

i see you've already gotten some good responses, but i just have to comment on this...i deal with this issue as well. I would not label my husband as not helpful...but, like yours, he just doesn't see all of the small things that need to be done and jump in. i believe that even today, while many men are much more involved in the family, most women continue to be what i call the "house manager". my husband always says he'll do whatever, if i just ask, which drives me crazy, because i don't want to and feel i shouldn't have to ask. this means that even though he does the task, i still have the mental responsibility of recognizing the need and making sure it gets done.

i don't work outside the home, so i don't expect as much, but in your case, there is no reason why mental and actual responsibility shouldn't be 50/50. i agree with those who said to split things up. you may have to sit down and talk to him...i wouldn't focus on things he hasn't done... you might not even have a good case, since you say he does help somewhat...just say that you feel you have too much, and then choose things that will be his responsibility completely, such as planning, shopping for, and making meals, or planning the kids outfits, and making sure they are clean, and getting them dressed, or getting everything ready for school, including lunches. make sure he knows you are not going to remind him to do it, and that you need it wiped completely off your slate.

it sounds like your hubby is like most, as many said, who due to their male genes, will not guess what you need, will not see the need, and therefore will not fulfill it. i am starting to believe they don't do this intentionally, and don't mean to dump work on us. also, many of us women are enablers, and since we have been doing the work for so long, they now take it for granted. BE PREPARED, however, that things might not be done exactly as you would do them, or they may not be done right for a while....he'll learn!