My Husband Is Not Interested in Being a Parent. Help?

Have you tried talking to him? Was he always this way? 9 years is a long time to not say anything if that's the case.

You say it's about him being a better father, but it also sounds like you want him to be a better husband. You want his attention too. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Good luck.

E.,

Welcome to Mamapedia.

First of all, let me suggest that if you are using your real name and real home town, that you not put your children's real names and ages on an internet forum. Not good from a safety standpoint.

Secondly, it's important to do something when you are this happy and unsatisfied - get out, or get counseling. In fact, even if you are considering getting out of the relationship, you still should get counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone.

There are some things that can be done to increase bonding - the people across the street from me have 3 kids, and when Dad is out in the yard, they are too. He rakes, they rake. He puts the leaves in a pile, they shovel them into wheelbarrows or onto tarps and tow them to the woods to be dumped. They spread mulch, they shovel snow, they help wash the cars. While they are out there, they put up some soccer cones or a t-ball set up, and they all play. The question is, will that annoy your husband or make him feel like others understand that there is work to be done?

But this is not a new situation, and you are absolutely not in the same "place" as your husband. You have entirely divided workloads, and that breeds a whole lot of disrespect.

And in your SWH, you say that you are "not working." Yes you are! Change your mindset on that. You are working 7 days a week with no time off. If your husband doesn't view what you do as work, then he's not going to view it as something deserving of his respect, and he's not going to participate in it. In his mind, you have the typical 1950's division of labor - he goes to a job, and comes home for down time or yard work time. You have all the inside work and childrearing. If it worked for you two, that would be one thing. But this is not a successful marriage partnership and so you need professional, objective assistance in sorting it out. Ask your physician for a referral to a counselor who accepts your medical insurance, and start going.

Separation and divorce are not easy and shouldn't be taken lightly by anyone, but your situation is even more complicated because the oldest child is not your child biologically or legally - so even if you and your husband split up and you have custody of the 3 younger kids, what happens to the oldest? This would be very traumatic for the children so any decision needs to be entered into carefully and with full preparation. Maybe the sheer thought of that will make your husband sit up, take notice, and learn to make some changes. Maybe you will learn some new skills too, because you have been a part of letting this situation get to this point. I'm sure you have both complained to each other, but that's not the same as making meaningful joint decisions about the direction of your marriage and family.

My thought is that your hubby doesn't think he and the girls have anything to bond over because they're girls. I think he's stuck in the '50s where the men worked and took care of the outside and the women took care of everything inside.

The next time hubs is doing yard work, get everyone out there with him to help. We used to help my dad - I hated the work, but loved the bonding. He would cut tree branches and we would stack. Or he would be edging the lawn while we raked. Whatever it was, we were ALL out there doing it together.

Is there anything your hubs does that your daughters might be interested in? My dad used to build furniture. I LOVED sitting and watching him draw up all the plans and really loved watching him do it. I learned alot and we really bonded.

It is time for you to have a discussion with hubs to find out whether he's really just not interested or if he wants a relationship with the girls but just doesn't know how to go about forming one. If he really wants a relationship with them, help him figure out how to go about carving one out.

yeah, this would be an absolute no-go for me too. there's no way i could create the appearance of a family with a man who wasn't interested. i'd much rather just go it alone.
but it's not like he got this way yesterday, right? you don't indicate that he used to be an involved partner and father and recently lost interest. can't tell for sure from this post, but it appears as if he's never cared about fathering.
i wish women wouldn't reproduce with men who aren't into kids.
so, what precisely do you want help with? fixing him? it's possible. i don't know how it would happen without counseling. i assume you've discussed it with him? is he willing to go? does he want the marriage to work and the family to stay together?
if he does, you've got a shot. if not, well, you need to decide the old ann landers question- are you better off with or without him?
khairete
S.

Sounds like counseling is in order. If he won't go with you, go alone.

Pregnate?

Try a marriage counselor.

Added after your SWH:

Diane is right - don't put your real names on here or your hometown. And for heavens sake, no more children! Talk to the doctor about a better method than birth control pills. Does he treat the adopted child differently than he biological children? Does he treat his 13 year old differently than the rest? Is he aloof with ALL of them? If he is, than it seems that all he is interested in is keeping you barefoot, pregnant (please learn to spell that) tied to the stove, and available for sex when he's horny (there's no "e" in horny.)

Does he treat the adopted child differently than he biological children? Does he treat his 13 year old differently than the rest? Is he aloof with ALL of them? If he is, than it seems that all he is interested in is keeping you

Original:
You should have let us know how many of these kids are his. Married 9 years with a 13 and 8 year old - are those kids a former husband's? Did he want two more kids back to back on top of the first two? How long has he been like this? I somehow doubt that he was a great dad and then woke up one day like this. The question begs, why did you have all these kids with a husband like this?

Do you work outside the home? Can you raise 4 kids without his salary?

You need to go to a marriage counselor. You aren't interested in sex and he's not interested in a relationship. These two things are marriage killers. Get into counseling and start TRYING to work things out. If you don't, you're going to end up in a financial mess, and he's the one who won't care because he have to be around the 4 kids he doesn't connect with. A better partner may not come around you with 4 kids...

This is starting to sound a bit like an irreconcilable difference.
Get some family/marriage counseling - go by yourself if he won't go with you.
It's going to be a long haul raising 4 girls by yourself but it sounds like you're already doing that.

I would find some articles on the importance of a present father for girls and make him read them or at least one. Studies show how incredibly important a father is for girls. Maybe he doesn't realize that. So that could be your first approach. Then it's not you complaining so much vs worrying about what his lack of interest will do to their self esteem and/or the opportunity he is missing to positively impact their development and self respect. My husband is involved but I'll mention it to him sometimes anyway and praise certain interactions to remind him what an important part of their development he is. It's not just about me getting a break or wanting things to be fair.

Is he the bio dad of all 4 children?

That's a ton of pressure on the person who is providing for your family. Was the decision to have 4 children a joint decision?

It sounds like he is overwhelmed, stressed and maybe just doesn't know what steps to take to be a parent, although he's had practice.

My advice would be family and marital counseling for everyone. You need to learn better communication and parenting skills.

Find a hobby, join a book club, go out with your friends, figure out a way to be out of the house for a while each evening. Tell the kids they need to ask dad for everything. He needs to cook dinner, he needs to get them bathed, he needs to get them to bed, he needs to clean up. Then when you come home later at night you can go in to bed and enjoy some rest.

If he didn't clean up the kitchen I'd leave it. Then when he got home I'd be gone with the older one babysitting until he gets home. Then she can go to a friends house for some fun. This way dad is stuck at home with a dirty house and a room full of kids wanting dinner and a bath and a bed.

I'd show him the way to being a father or at least a half way present babysitter. If he acted okay and if he actually put his best effort in to it then I'd probably forgive him some but if he still ignored the kids and didn't do anything then by all means, he's a jerk and deserves for you to get an evening job and him having to stay home with the kids all evening and learning to manage it or for him to find a new home to live in and be alone.

Sounds like thing have gotten pretty grim.

Are you just feeling overwhelmed and angry he's not more involved? Or did you marry a man who wasn't that into kids?

I have a friend who's husband has done nothing in terms of raising the kids. I knew he wouldn't when they got married. So did she (he has a huge career and is quite self interested). But for some reason, about 3 years into it, it's like she forgot he was like this. She started complaining. Then he was suddenly working longer hours, coming home after kids were in bed. He loves his children but he's not interested in parenting. I personally would not have married a man like this, but she knew this going in. On a plus note, now that the kids are older, they seem to spend more time together. They are at an age where they can join in his pursuits.

So I think you have to probably view the situation realistically. How much of this is his personality and you're expecting him to be someone he isn't, and how much of this is him checking out? Because checking out can be because of depression or stress .. and it tends to get worse the more resentment builds up.

My husband is not the 'let's go to the park and toss a ball around' kind of dad. But he'll push my kids on the swing or play hockey with them - but only if he's interested. He's exhausted at the end of a long day. He's around, and they sort of just hang out around him. He doesn't ignore them, but he's also not sitting down and saying "let's play Barbies".

I have compared my husband to other dads, which is unfair. Then I realize my own expectations are what are disappointing me.

What good does your husband bring to the family? Focus on that for a while, let this go, and then figure out how you want to approach it. Counselling can be helpful if you can't talk without it leading to accusations.

Good luck :)

the way i'm reading this is that you are one of the kids writing in to get some help for your mom. either way it's a sad situation and someone needs to be the adult and lead the family into some serious changes. part of me wants to throw the yellow flag on this one and part of me just wants to feel sorry for everyone involved.