My Kids Are Driving Me Nuts, but I Want to Be a Better Mother!

Honestly my 4 yr old knows not to talk to me when I'm on the phone and if she gets whiney I send her to her room and tell her when she is ready to talk and behave she can come back out. You have to be constant in what you do. If you tell her once to be quite but she won't send her to her room if she bardges into the bathroom put her in time out n tell her when adults are in the bathroom you knock n wait until they are done. It just sound like you need to rework how things are handled

My children are 5 and 3.5 and I've found the last few months to be some of the most.....challenging. My 5 year old is a non stop chatterbox too. Hang in there!

I suggest that you do some reading to learn more effective ways to handle these situations. Love and Logic by Foster Cline is one. 1-2-3 Magic is another. Books by Jane Andersen.

Also include books about child development. It sounds like your children have some needs that aren't being met and are acting this way as a result.

Your stress and yelling is very understandable. I've been there, too, as most moms have. I learned how to manage without yelling. Once you feel more in control you'll need to yell less. And once you're more relaxed your kids will be too.

I have a friend who has very talkative kids who are also huge complainers. I know she is always stressed. She seems to always drop her kids off with other people (her MIL, me, she does pay for daycare/preschool and her now ex-husband). My husband laughs that she is never with her kids (the oldest is now in school).

Advice:
1) Find friends in the area to help relieve you for a couple of hours.
2) Is TV, computer time out of the question?
3) Church group, even though one of my posts complains about lack of supervision at church care .
4) The lack of sleep is most likely causing your short temper. Once my daughter started sleeping through the night I became a nicer person.

I only read Jo's response...and we did the same thing in our house. There are rules to be followed and guidelines to be met. The kids need to know their boundaries.

Even with no naps, BOTH of your kids need an hour of quiet time in the afternoon. That could be watching cartoons, reading books, sleeping - whatever as long as they do not bother you for that hour unless it's an emergency. My kids will be 6, 8, and 10 for this summer and that rule still stands for my sitters - everyone needs a break. We do it on the weekends also if we are staying home all day, which rarely happens.

Explain to your 5 year old (she is old enough) that if you are driving or on the phone, those are not appropriate times to talk constantly. The complaining like you describe doesn't sound so much as complaining, as her trying to take control of her life - normal for this age. Tell her there are certain things she has choices in (outfits, fruit or veggie for lunch, what cartoon to watch), but there are things she does not have choices in (getting dressed, eating her meals, and taking quiet time) - just some examples.

Make a rule chart - kids love this. Our sitter had to do this last year with my kids because they were giving her a run for her money. When they broke a rule, they would go look at the chart and find the consequence they decided would fit that infraction, and they took the punishment (5 minutes sitting out at the park, age time in their rooms, napping instead of staying awake at quiet time, whatever). I think this will work especially well with your daughter since she wants some control.

Also, give her a chart of HER responsibilities every day. She needs to wake up, brush her teeth, brush her hair ,eat breakfast, get dressed, shoes on, use the bathroom before leaving the house, etc Get some cheap star stickers. Give her a star for every group of tasks she completes without arguing. When she has 25 stars (or however many) give her an extra 15 minutes at the park, ice cream, an extra book at bedtime, more M. time, whatever.

As far as the 2 year old, she should be sleeping through the ngiht now. Find some books or talk to a doctor about her not sleeping through the night. If she is waking up AND not napping, I can only imagine how fun that kiddo is when things don't go exactly as planned...2's are fun even when they get enough sleep.

But if you set these rules with your 5 year old, the 2 year old will grow up from a younger age knowing them and follow in line. Your life will be easier.

Also, sorry this is so long now, but your husband HAS to help more. I don't care if he works, so do you. If the kids are driving you this insane, he has got to help more.

This is just a little mini-suggestion, but can you increase the time you spend reading aloud to your girls? Yes, you'll still be using your voice, but for me, that was relaxation, since I wasn't using my poor, tired brain. Read-aloud time is also calming for kids and helps them to be contemplative and develop a longer attention span.

Not a total solution, by any means, but one possible thought.

Also, the more playground time and library story time you can build in, the better. At these events, try chatting with other moms and trying to set up playdates. Your older girl sounds outgoing, vibrant, and social -- she'd probably love to direct some of that energy at a friend. Even if you're technically watching two of the same age, it's easier when they're playing together.

Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster is a great book. It really set me up to change my ways as I don't want to raise a kid who interupts (happened all the time) complained (most of the time) or had issues wth self control and the book helped me and still does. One phrase that stuck in my mind from it is "Make your kids believe that taking care of them is not hard." When I think this I calm my voice down and they calm down.

I also loved Dr. Richard Ferber's, Solve your Child's Sleep Problems book. I know just saying his name makes people cringe but the book tells you exactly what you can expect from a child in respect to sleep and got my little guy back on track.

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
H.

LMBO! I am glad to hear you say that your mom criticized you for yelling and then at the end of her visit she was losing her cool. Look, it happens, your kids are little and I definately had days when they were little, and still have them. Sometimes when I am getting most annoyed at them, if I hug them it makes me feel better. 5 year olds DO TALK A LOT. My youngest is five and he does follow me around chattering all day long and if he isn't talking he is moving and often he is doing both. It gets better but they still do things that will make you crazy. Try getting up before them, step outside, gaze up in the sky and just relax, contemplate and reset. It works. I yell more than I should but I am working on it. We are all a work in progress. As long as you continue to be aware, and move forward it's okay. Also there is nothing wrong with plugging them in for a bit. Turn on a movie, and you can go sit in another room, within earshot, with a book. Seriously sometimes you just need 5 minutes, to change you whole day.

About the complaining, let her think she is making the choice. It doesn't matter which cup she drinks from or if she wears the blue outfit or the green or the pink. So put out 2-3 outfits and ask which one she wants, set out two cups do you want the red one or the blue one ect. This gives her the feeling of being in control. If it's lunch time and ask 'do you want mac & cheese and an apple or an orange or do you want a sandwich and an apple or an orange'.
When you need to be some where tell her something like when we finish eating we need to get ready to leave. Do you want to brush your teeth first or get dressed first? Again she feels she is in control. Set the timer if you have 30 minutes to get out the door set the timer for 20 minutes and tell her when the timer goes off we are going potty and leaving, you had better be ready. Have a tote packed with a change of clothes by the door if she isn't ready then she goes as is, you can drop her off at the sitter or go to the store and she goes in in her jammies. She is small enough for you to be able to pick up and carry to the car.

Kids are smart and they will test limits. They can hear the inflection in your voice and they know when Mom hits a certain inflection --- I better move it and do what she wants. If you take that away and let the timer be 'the boss' they can't argue with the timer.

When you feel yourself ready to explode --- walk away for a minute. Make sure the kids are in a safe place and step outside and drink a glass of water, close your eyes and breath big deep breaths.

My ex-MIL always had 'quiet time' every day from 2-4. The kids did not need to take a nap but they had to sit quietly in their rooms and color or read or just rest.

You need to get hubby on board and tell him that while 'parent' is a noun it is also a verb or an ACTION word. He needs to parent his children also. He may need some time when he gets home from work to unwind but you too have been at work all day, taking care of kids and you need unwind time too. You need to be able to get away, take a walk, run an errand, something every day for at least an hour and he needs to step up and take care of the kids. You also need an evening out once a week, you can join a club, or a meet-up group and get out and meet friends and talk about something besides sippy cups and diapers or purple dinosaurs.
Remind him he is not 'babsitting' he is spending quality time with his children.

Sorry mama, I know the feeling.

Maybe she needs some friends and more socialization. I'm sure you are a great mom, but with a child who doesn't sleep much, being alone with the kiddies all day etc, maybe she feels a little neglected.

Have you tried spending a little one on one time with her everyday? Do a small craft, paint each other nails or just do hers. Play candyland or something. Maybe then she won't be so needy.

Does she go to preschool or kindergarten? She is 5 and maybe that would help.

Playgrounds are free and maybe you will meet other moms and have playdates and when you trust the other mom enough y'all could trade off on babysitting.
Good Luck!

I have a complainer too, the signs of a highly critical mind would be one positive spin on it. I've been working hard for the last year in teaching her respect and gratitude. So if she complained about dinner, she was told she didn't have to eat it, her choice. In fact, I do this a lot with her. If she complains we are having vanilla ice cream and she wants chocolate, well "more vanilla for me!" Make it into a choice, "you can either have vanilla or just go get ready for bed, your choice."

There are also some good books I took out of the library on gratitude. One of the most important things I taught her was that it is rude to say "no, I don't wanna..." Instead, she now says," No thank you." The difference it makes on my ears is amazing!

Do your kids watch videos? If not, I highly recommend giving yourself some "me time." That small break every day will make a difference in your patience levels. I suggestion videos, as opposed to quiet time in their room, because when they are watching videos, they aren't making messes! I also insist that the playroom be completely picked up before video time. "When you have cleaned up the playroom, then we can have videos." This motivates them!

hang in there. It's exhausting, to be sure! Just remember, they don't mean to annoy us, they just don't know any better. it's our job to teach them --everything. So, knock on the bathroom door when I am in it, etc. When I am on the phone, you can get my attention by coming up to me, but do not talk to me until I give you my attention, etc.

As to her need to constantly tell you something, I sometimes say to my daughter," I can't wait to hear what you want to tell me, but I'm busy with X now. Can you wait 5 minutes so I can give you my full attention?" This doesn't always work, but it sometimes does....

Most importantly, sleep is the key issue here. Without quality sleep, it's hard to have any patience. So I'd tackle that issue first. All your "issues" are normal stuff with this age group, so the key is taking care of yourself so you have the patience to deal with it. If you aren't getting any exercise, try to do 10-15 minutes 3x a week. Even a small amount helps!

I'm in a similar place here. My youngest two are 3 and 5 and my 5 year old has been talking like that non-stop for the past year. She will be 6 this summer. There are so many times that I just want to scream SHUT UPPPP! But I don't. Thing is..now my 3 (almost 4) year old has started up. He has a million things to tell me all day long and for everything he says he has to start it with "mom?". Then I have to say "yes" otherwise he will say "mom" over and over till I respond. ugggg. When my 5 year old gets home from school the two of them fight over who gets to talk. They are talking and fighting and talking and fighting.... I want to pull my hair out LOL Sometimes I beg them to watch TV so I can get 30 minutes of quiet.

My first was/is a complainer. I always respond with "I didn't ask if you wanted ________ just do it".

Lock your bathroom door.

Get a mp3 player and wear headphones with relaxing music - tell your DD you are having quite time and she cannot interrupt unless it's an emergency like her arm falls off. LOL

Find out why your son is not sleeping through the night. Are you rocking him back to sleep when he wakes up or can he put himself back to sleep? Does he have a noise machine and nightlight? Do you feed him at night?

I know summer has just started but I am assuming she will be going to school in the fall? That will help.

When my older two were little I hit a point not unlike what you are describing. I drew a line in the sand and refused to cross it. I made my list of requirements for my children's behavior and would not allow them to violate my list!

It was a month of living hell!

Followed by around 22 years of the best kids on earth!

I won't lie to you and say there is an easy fix, there just isn't, but when you have had enough they whip into shape fairly quickly. See if you give in even once they know what buttons to push to get you to give in again.

Don't show fear!

Never give up! Never surrender!

Do you have any mommy friends in the area who you could get together with? I freelance part time and belong to a moms group via meetup and the activities have been a lifesaver. I don't feel so alone when I'm with them and my daughter gets to socialize with other kiddos while we mommies vents :-).

Is your 5 year old in prek?

Also, you are not alone. My 3-year-old is a talker, too and is in "script" mode through most of the day: "Mommy say, "Clifford do you want to go to the park?" And the scripts could go on for hours if I didn't put the brakes on.

wow, i'd be overwhelmed too!
first off, i'd insist on quiet time, for a good hour (or more), every afternoon. period. for the 5 year old too. it won't hurt them to lie down and be still for a bit (or read, or do other quiet activities) and it may save your sanity. no calling mommy, no talking, no noise. be very firm about this.
start developing better boundary rules for your 5 year old TODAY. no intruding on your bathroom time, no interrupting, and when mommy tells you to hush while she's driving, you hush right this second.
you can work with her on how upset she gets about it. and of course you won't expect perfection right off the bat. you need to be patient while these new non-negotiable rules become habit, but you need to be consistent.
the freaking out when you try to impose quiet time tells me that your daughter's non-stop talking is anxiety-induced, so just demanding that she be quiet will just make it worse. that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it. for your sake, for hers, and for people like your mom, she absolutely needs to learn that there are times when she must just talk inside her head. teach her to learn the value of quiet. it's a life skill.
getting a new family framework in place means that things get worse before they get better. expect pushback. muster up all your patience and mamaskills, and don't give in. your family's future will be much happier and easier for everyone- yes, the kids too!- when everyone knows the boundaries.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

Tell your 5 yr old its time to stop talking and start listening more. That, or put on some headphones and block her out.

Expose your 2 yr old to more daylight. Get her outside once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Sunlight helps regulate the body clock and helps you get to sleep quicker and deeper.

Put them on a routine or schedule.

I hate to say this, because you sound incredibly stressed, but I don't think that you're dealing with anything out of the ordinary regarding your children. I think that your children are 100% normal based solely on what you've written here.

What I'm afraid of is that because of all of the stress you've been under and all of the stressful events you and your husband have endured, emotions are high and perhaps there's some anxiety and depression mixed in especially if you're dealing with untreated post-partum depression. PPD can manifest within TWO YEARS after delivering a baby and if it goes untreated then it can get worse, especially when you have compounding situational stresses.

With your daughter being "a complainer" I think that it's highly likely that she's reacting to her environment. She's responding to the stress you're feeling and expressing, and she's copying you because you're her model for behavior.

Here's the great thing... you're aware. You've gotten some great tips on some resources already that I won't repeat but I do want to reinforce that you need support. I think you need some tools in your toolkit for emotional survival for when you don't have other adults around to help you out. Because I have been EXACTLY where you are, I promise you, I strongly urge you to please, please, please seek out a psychiatrist for frequent and regular talk therapy and treatment.

Oh you poor thing, I wish I could give you a break. Do you think a book on sleep training would help for the little one?
The other day, a friend of mine said her daughter was a real serious talker. She said she would let her use the "talker" apps on the phone or ipad where you can talk and the animal talks back. Obviously not a full solution but it could work as a break for you. My other idea would be to have a set quiet time in your schedule every day. It could be early afternoon. Even if the kids don't nap, they have to stay in bed and read quietly. I am not the best at following a schedule, but my daughter spent a week at daycare and within a day they had her on a great nap schedule. They said that there was just nothing else to do and everyone was quiet so all the kids figure it out really quick. You could use that chunk of time in the afternoon to recharge, read a book, take a catnap or something.

play the silence game. get a jar of marbles, and a cup of marbles. Have her earn a treat with silence. one blue marble for every minute, one red marble for every five minutes etc. if she breaks the silence, she returns all the marbles to the jar. if she breaks the silence appropriately, i.e. someone is bleeding or hurt, then she keeps all the marbles, and gets some extra.

play the game together. then have her play on her own.

incidently, you will also be honing her math skills, early finance skills, and concepts of time.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

You NEED some time for yourself. Whatever it takes for your husband to be free for a weekend, he needs to do it. Then you pack a bag and take yourself somewhere. Maybe to visit a friend or sister, maybe just to check into a nice but reasonable hotel on the other side of town. Keep your phone OFF and just relax. Read, swim, whatever.

I did a study with friends on "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen". Some of it is hard to implement with a young kid, but some you might find useful. I have also heard good things about 123 Magic.

Often, yelling begets yelling. So if you can state it firmly but not by yelling, you may be less yelling in return.

When DD wants to tell me something at a bad time, I tell her to cross her fingers and tell me in just a moment. I tell her that when I am on the phone, it is inappropriate to interrupt to tell me the cat ate his food or there's a bird on the porch.

The flip side is that if I give DD time to be heard, she is less anxious about being heard. If I say I'll get to her in a minute, I need to mean it. Or we talk at night before she goes to bed, just her and I. Read to them. Get on the floor with them. Build stupid things with blocks. Play with dirt. Run them around at a playground.

I made a get ready morning list with DD. If she does all the things on her list on time she can watch TV with whatever time is left. If she complains, I point to the list SHE helped me make.

Have you tried reasonable choices? "DD, please get yourself a cup from the cabinet. It is time for dinner." Or "DD, do you want a red shirt or a green one?" Or "DD please pick out shoes and put them on." Sometimes offering some choices will help get past the wanting all choices phase. If DD doesn't want to use the restroom before we go out, we may not leave on time. We don't leave on time, we may miss the event. We miss the event, Momma's not happy.

Hang in there. EVERY mom I have ever met had her challenges. Every one.

How about putting her in daycare a couple times of week? not only so that you will have some time for yourself, but also, your daughter being as chatty as she is can be with other kids and socialize.
I've noticed that you noted on your profile that you are a personal trainer, does your gym have childcare? In our area, quite a few now offer it during classes.. Maybe with your credentials as a PT, you could train people there part-time and then they might give you a discount on childcare ... who knows , it's worth looking into.. again, even just once or twice a week..

good luck

You don't seem to have any "recharge" time for yourself. You seem to need some "me" time. But you will have to set strict boundaries in order to reinforce one hour of "movie" time for your children so you can enjoy one hour to yourself. Set consequences for them and enforce them if they do not stick to the one hour of TV or movie time so you can have some quiet time to yourself. Remember, if Mommy is not happy, nobody is happy. :) Get yourself an exercise DVD to blow off some steam and get rid of that stress. You will feel SO much better after an hour and will have oodles of patience after it since you've had some time to yourself.
I also highly recommend Kirk Martin's celebratecalm.com as that really did help me stop the yelling in my house. Just sign up to receive his emails if you cannot afford his CDs and his experience and advice really does help. We have to change our own behavior first in order to change our children's behavior. Good luck!