My Last Name or His

I gave my daughter her fathers name when she was born. He had to sign a paper saying he was the father before they would let him sign the birth certificate. At the time she was born we had been together for 7 yrs (longer than some marriges last) there are no guarantees even if you are married !!, and at the time planned on living life together forever, but not getting married. Now 7 years later we are still together and just got married in Sept of 10. No matter married or not he is her father. I would give her his name, then later if he drops off the face of the earth or whatever, then that would be the time to think about changing her name in my opinion. I dont understand why so many people dont give men credit for being fathers, I mean really if you pick a loser to start with why would you expect him to be a stand up guy when you have children? I think if you guys are fantastic like you say give her his name !!!

I have kept my own name (DS was born when then DP and I had been together 22 years and a year before we got married) and DS has DH's last name. I have NEVER had a problem having a different last name. No one (pediatrician, daycare, school) has ever questioned it. I have had my name for 45 years, love it, it is also my professional name and would be a huge hassle to change it (plus no desire to). DS does not seem to find it confusing in any way.

I'd use his, he's the father why not? My mom gave me her last name when I was born then she married my step dad and I ended up being the only one with that last name, I hated it. So in 4th grade they changed my last name to my dad's so I could at least have one of my family's name. If you do get married the baby will already have the name and if you don't there is a good chance you will down the road and she will feel left out.

Even though there maybe not guarantees (I assume that you are talking about your relationship with him), he is guaranteed to be the father of your daughter, right? Whatever your relationship with him is or isn't, that's still going to be her dad and she has a right to ownership of that. Maybe you can hyphenate both of your last names on her birth certificate? Or maybe her middle name can be your maiden name? Either one of those are a good compromise and would reflect her ties to both of her parents.

Pick the one you like best.

I married late and kept my last name. My daughters have my husband's last name. I have had no issues at my daughter's school and will be surprised if I ever do. If so, I'm sure it will be minor and easily corrected.

Does HE have an opinion on this? Generally you would give the baby the father's last name, especially if he is actively involved in the baby's life. The only reason you would not is if the father is not in the picture. There are many women who choose for professional reasons not to take their husband's last name, but their children still have the father's last name.

Have you ever tried changing your name (not by getting married)? It's a HUGE hassle. Those who say "just change the baby's last name when you get married" are not grounded in reality, in my opinion. ;)

If you truly believe that marriage will occur in the next few years, I would give your child her father's last name, to avoid later court costs when you decide to change her name after you and your partner get married.

On the other hand, if you plan on prolonging marriage for several years, it would be much easier in a school setting if your child had your last name. You are most likely going to be the primary caretaker, and it can get very confusing if you and the child do not have the same name. This goes for school, doctor's offices, and a variety of other situations.

My two cents: You and your partner love each other, you are about to welcome a child into this world, thus becoming a FAMILY. Your immediate family unit is much more important than any extended family unit in your life. You are her parents, it is your responsibility to provide a loving and caring environment for your child. Why are you even considering your parents opinion of your partner? They aren't going to be the one raising your child - you and your partner are. Something to think about... Good luck!

Hi T.,

Although there is no guarantee for the marriage, is there any guarantee with him always being the dad to your child? It sounds like you have really thought this through and if your instinct is telling you to use your own name, I would do that.

I don't think marriage is as much an issue as whether the father will be in your baby's life (if not, then definitely pick your name). However, it sounds like he will be in the child's life, marriage or not. In that case, you should pick what works for both of you.

I am married but didn't take my husband's last name. Our daughter has my last name as a middle name, and my husband's last name as her last name (it was important to him that she have his name). Even though my daughter and I have different last names, I've encountered no problems in school or in extra curricular activities. No one seems to care.

Whatever you pick, I am sure it will work out fine.

If you are not married yet, use your name only. It will be much easier for school, doctors etc. Plus as you say, there are no guarantees. When you get married, you can change both your names to his. Plus if for some reason you guys don't get married for a few more years, and your DD then knows the difference in names, it would be better to have her have your name in my opinion. Good luck!

Although I'm married, I kept my own name. My children have my surname as a middle name and use my husband's last name. I've never found it a big deal that we have different names -- and, because it hasn't been an issue for me, it hasn't been one for them either. When I introduce myself at school or on the phone or whatever, I just say "I'm Jane Smith, Suzie Jones' mom." In 20 years, I can't remember any busybody asking me or my kids (or my husband) if we were married or not. And, really, who cares? Our family relationship is no one else's business.

Works for us! Besides, my name is easier to use when we order take-out.

I'd suggest using the name which you both like the best. Or, if one of you feels really strongly that your babe should have their name, use that one. In my family (two adults, two children) we have THREE last names. The names have never presented a problem and no one has questioned our relationship to each other based on our names alone.

I would use your name. The main reason I say this is because if you ever want to change her name for any reason, you will need the signatures of BOTH parents...if you give the baby his last name, and he ends up not being in the picture for whatever reason, you will not be able to change her name, if you give baby your last name and want to change it later to his, it will be no problem because he will be there to sign the paperwork.

I always kept my maiden name. At age nineteen I decided I would be my own person no matter what.
I am a feminist. I worked hard for women's rights. And so it is now legal to keep your own name on your driver's license, passport, and all other documents.
To my mind if you want the same last name pick one and use it for your family. A family I knew took the name of a tree they liked becoming the only Madrones and distinquishing themselves.
In many European countries last names only came into use in 1826 when the Austrian Empire insisted upon it. Officials came to every village registering people. If you could afford to pay for it you could "buy" a favorable last name. If not the official would give you one that meant something not so nice.
There a little history of last names can take the edge off your concerns.

I think that you should usually use the dad's last name unless the dad is not in the relationship. If you do end up getting married, then do you plan to change the babie's last name?? I am not sure you even have a choice b/c the dad signs the birth certificate. I have a friend who has two kids with a man that she has chosen not to marry after 16 yrs, they are happy the way they are. They live together and raise the kids as though they are married. The kids have the dad's last name. It just makes sense, they are in school now and it is nice that they have the dad's last name. If the parents choose the get married, the mom changes her last name to his and they all have the same last name. Whatever your personal reasons, if you love each other, get married. :o)

T.,

There's a baby on the way, is the "family issue" he's married to someone else right now?

Whether you are married or not as long as he is willing to sign the birth certificate you can use either your's or his and you can also hyphenate the last name.

Blessings....

There are no guarantees in life. But there is one fact here. He is her biological father and his blood runs through her veins too. I would definitely give her the father's last name.

I am married - kept my birth name and my 2 children have my last name also. I will be giving my son my husband's last name as his middle name. Children are forever, men/spouses/husbands - no guarantee.

My 1st child was from a previous relationship and I'm pregnant with #2... a boy. My husband understands (tho may not 100% love the idea) why I feel my children need my name. As Mother Right, I feel it is my choice on who's name my child carries - just as I carried the child for 38-42 weeks.

Have you thought about combining your last names to make a new different last name?

Montgomery + Hannigan = Montigan, Hannery etc......

wow, these days anything goes. We are married but I've kept my last name, and because my husband didn't want my daughter to be teased, (because his last name is funny) he suggested she have my last name, so she does. On the other hand, I know many kids whose parents are not married but the child has Dad's last name If you plan to get married and take his name, go with his name for your child. If you don't marry, he's still the dad.

I am old fashioned so I think the baby should get Dad's last name.

Why not use both? That way she'll have both names, regardless. It will keep things simple for school registration etc. and won't lock you into changing YOUR name when you get married. If you decide to change your name when you get married, she'll already have his last name and you can stop using the hyphen if you want to then.

Use yours. That is my opinion. You can always get it changed to his last name if you ever get married.

I am married, but didn't take my husband's last name for personal reasons. Anyway, I gave my three boys his last name, but I wish I had done what my sister did (she is also married, but didn't take her husband's last name): she gave her daughter both last names on her birth certificate - her's first and then her husband's - but her daughter will likely only use her husband's last name in general. Remember that they are half his kids even if you're not married. I haven't had any major issues with not having the same last name as my kids, by the way. My kids are 4 and 20 month-old twins, so maybe I will, I don't know. I've actually recently thought about just putting my husband's last name on my passport so that I can get on the insurance easier when we rent cars on holidays (almost didn't get put on because they didn't believe we were married because of my different name). But other than that, I don't think about it at all...

whichever one you like better! i took my husband's name but not from any sense of needing to.
i'm so glad you're not hyphenating. of all the obnoxious modern trends........
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khairete
S.

I would go with his last name, personally. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was only 1 yr old and I had my Dad's last name, while my Mom had changed back to her maiden name before I was old enough to know the difference. I have never even given it a second thought and even though my Dad and I were never really close, I have liked having his last name. In the end I don't think it really matters. How does your fiance feel about it? Does he want your child to have his last name or does he care? That, to me, would be the more important question.

My oldest daughter only has my last name because her father was out of state when she was born so he couldn't sign birth certificate and then he never did what he needed to do to change that. (hindsight good thing because she is 12, he hasnt seen her for 11 years and 3 months, and he hasn't even attempted to talk to her for about 6 years!) My youngest is hyphenated mine-his. But I only use mine because he is not around except for what the state ordered him to pay. I did her name that way because my friend had done her sons that way (hers-his) and when his father dropped out of the picture by 2 years his name just sort of fell off too! His paychecks (he's 15 almost 16 now) do come with his full name but his school stuff is just moms name - because the whole thing is too long so conveniently the other half doesn't fit!
He is guaranteed to be the father of her but that doesn't mean that he will stay in her life. Hopefully he will. But if he doesn't at least your name will be reflected too.

I kept my last name when I married in 1980, and my children both have my husband's last name. There were no issues with school, doctors or any other organization. Sometimes, people called me Mrs. _______, but that was not a big deal. The majority of my children's friends called me by my first name, but the polite ones who liked to use Mrs. or Ms just learned my last name. Eventually, my children asked why we didn't all have the same last name, and I explained my reasons for keeping my own name. A feminist friend of mine kept her last name. Her first-born had her name, and her second born had her husband's last name. Now that was confusing!

That's a tough call. I am married but did not change my name, like one of the other posts I have my professional career tied to my name and seriously, I had no desire to change my name just because we got married so I didn't. My husband's family all thought it was odd but my family of course thought it perfectly fine. None of my friends from graduate school changed their names when getting married.

ANyway we had some debate when our daughter was born as to what her last name should be. He assumed it should be his and I assumed it was up for debate - hence the debate!

In the end we went with his last name. I am still not sure that was the right choice - I too take care of everything, the doctor, her pre-school, the insurance is all in my name (all of ours), so I probably should have given her my name. We have named my sister (who isn't married and has my same last name) as her legal guardian in case anything happens to us, so for many reasons I think I should have given her my name. But his family would have been nuts over that I think.

So, in the end I think either option is good. WIthout strong reason to give your child his name I'd say give her yours.

If the father is going to be there it is tradition for the baby to have his name.

I would (for now) name the baby NevaehMcKaylaLyn HisLastName YourLastName where his last night is the middle name for your daughter and your last name is her surname. If/when you get married you can change her name if/when you change yours. You could even all change your surnames together and choose a new surname as your family name.

You really have endless options. I have a friend who isn't married but gave her children her partner's surname. She still goes by Mrs. HisLastName for school issues to avoid confusion.

I think children should get the Father's last name.

I would look at the ramifications- will the baby be on his insurance policy? If so, will they require additional documentation that he is the father if the baby has your last name? How hard will it be to change from your last name to his when you do marry? I have a cousin and he & his wife originally gave their first son her last name because it would have been the end of the line for her family name if not. However, they ended up changing it shortly before he entered school because of all the difficulty/ confusion they ran into. On the other side of the spectrum- my husband's ex has three kids with three last names, she still goes by her maiden name informally on her social security card and in signing things, but her ID still carries her maiden name. In this day and age of partners, single parents, divorce and blended families I wouldn't stress too much- do what you feel is right for your new family!

my opinion on this is that you should use yours. you can always change it when you get married. it will make your life a lot easier in the long run. you won't have to jump through any hoops to prove your her mother when doing school things and stuff like that.

i was not with my daughter's father when she was born. i put my name on the birth certificate. it wasn't until after court that his name was put on it. and he was given a choice of whether to use his last name or keep it as mine. we talked for a long time about it, but because she lives with me primarily we decided to keep my name because it was easier for taking her to the doctor and school and things like that.

we are now in the process of discussing what is going to happen when i get married next year. because my name will be changing, and i want her to take my fiance's last name, not as anything against her father. i don't want to stop his visitation, or anything, but my fiance lives with her and is a father to her more often than her own father. so i see it fitting that she takes his last name just like i will. but we are discussing this...

good luck with whatever you decide. btw, congrats on the baby.

Whatever you decide, know that getting a name change is relatively easy, so nothing is permanent. Hope that takes a little stress off.

You're not married so giving her his last name does not justify anything. I wouldn't worry about people asking questions, I would think more along the lines of marriage and taking on his name, hyphenated if you choose and giving the child his name. Just an FYI, I'm going to change my daughter's name to ADD my last name after the divorce because I don't want the confusion and stress of completing medical records, accessing information, school business, and other important business, but certainly not because "people" would question. I want to streamline the process. So, whatever you choose is your choice, but if you're not married now or doesn't sound like you will be when the baby is born, you have to make a decision and think about how having your or just his last name will impact legal business, or just business in general. Lastly, if you are already letting your parents influence your household, then your marriage is in trouble before it happens. Trust me, my MIL interfered a lot and look where we are today!!! Your parents of course will look out for your best interest but if they have "personal" issues with your partner, then you have to step back and ask yourself what's important now because after marriage and they continue to create problems, then you're going to have a lot of problems, trust me.

His last name.If you get married (or if not) your a family and you will have to pay lawyer fees and court costs.A lawyer quoted us $1,500.00 just for his fees for the name change!

I also work in childcare and I have an 18 month old with my boyfriend. We also have issues with the idea of marriage-so it still hasn't happened. I had some trouble with not passing on my family name as I am the last in our line. I always kind of dreamed of having a son and giving him my last name so our family name wouldn't end with me. I don't like the hyphen solution and we decided to go with dads last name. When it came down to it I figured it this way-we plan to be together and in our culture children get dads family name. Now it really doesn't bother me at all. Traditions are whats important to pass down, not a name.
As far as people being judgmental about your not having the same last name-who cares? Introduce yourself, correct people if they assume the wrong thing.
For your comment on there not being any guarantees-I'd say if things head south within the first few years you can always change baby's name if it's really important to you.

WAIT... can you actually use both?
I didn't know that and now I am really piss off.
If I would have now I would have put both, other ways I wont mind using only his, after all doesn't matter if things go wrong with you, he is the dad and you are the mom and nobody can change that.

Tradition states that the child takes the father's last name, as well as the mother. Because the "last name" in its origins is the "family name". Hence, everyone in a family shares a name.

However, as it appears, you're leaning towards modern conventions as it relates to the nature of "family", so I'd say it doesn't matter which name the child takes.

This is a tough call. I am divorced now after having left an abusive marriage. My daughter has his last name and it is something that she constantly has to address to others. She will eventually get used to it, but it would have been easier on her not to have had to point this out to others so much at such an early age. In some countries, children go by their mothers' last name or, at least, the mother's last name followed by the father's. Only you know the level of commitment your child's father has and how big an issue this will be for your family. Best wishes and congrats on trying to think this through ahead of time!

My baby is only 8 weeks old, but I did have to enroll him daycare and explain at both the doctors office and even the hospital the last name thing. He ended up getting my boyfriend's whole name (he is the III officially on his birth certificate). I have found that it's not really stigmatized anymore and you just correct people who assume that you have the same last name. It's not really a big deal. Most people are more likely to assume the last name's are the same then they are that your a nanny and such (I found most people assume he's my son first, and he is half black and looks nothing like me, so I wouldn't worry so much about that). I get called Mrs. _____ a lot. I simply tell them "Oh know its _____" and we move on with it. Not stressful at all. If he plans to be in the child's life, I would give him his last name.

I will warn you though, at least in the state of MO, if you have him placed on the birth certificate like I did (it's a few more pieces of paper to get unmarried partners placed on the birth certificate then it is married ones), and you want to change the last name later to yours, the father does have to agree to the name change as well unless he has no rights to the child. So whatever you choose, make sure your happy with it.

In Arizona and California the mom signs the birth certificate. I actually have never heard the father signing. I would have your last name for the just in case. You are most likely going to be the primary caregiver. I understand moms who say dad's if he's in the picture, but if your the primary caregiver it should be your last name. It's not the medievals where it has to be his last name. What does your boyfriend say about all this?

You could discus getting a civil marriage and put off having a big wedding. That would give both of you the right to give your child the Dad's last name. Your concern now should be more for the happiness and health of your child, not your parents.

I remember growing up with a blended family and being at school and having to explain why my brothers and sisters had a different last name. My mom remarried and had additional children. We lived altogether and went to a small private school. It came up occasionally and we just explained we had different dads but we shared the same mom. I really don't think it has as much stigma this day and age as it used to carry. If it were me I would put my parents relationship aside and have a legal wedding even if it meant that it was just the two of us in a court house. (which is what I did BTW). However, if you are dead set on waiting it out I would give the baby his last name. It really holds no bearing on further custody battles etc as they will look at the birth certificate and who is listed as the father regardless of what name she is given. IMO though, if you are strong enough to parent a child together then GET MARRIED!! You are right there are no guarantees, but there isn't any guarantees for anything in life except death and taxes, as they say :o). I would think that the child having to explain that his/her parents aren't married would be far more complicated than whose name she has. If you are considering this for yourself so that you don't get mistaken as sister or nanny or whatever than I would think it will bother you even more when you consider that others will be asking (or whispering) about why you aren't married if you have a child together and everything else appears fine.

Just my 23 cents!

Are you going to take his last name when you get married? If so, I would think you would want to give your daughter his last name. Otherwise, once married, she'll still have a different name from the both of you.

My husband and I married when our son was two. For two years my last name was different. It didn't bother me, since I knew we'd be getting married eventually. My favorite wedding picture is the three of us by a wishing well.

Most people assume you aren't married when your child has the father's last name. But, it's reversed when the child has the mother's last name, then people think wonder if you've been married before.

However, when all is said and done, does it matter what other people think? I think as long as you and the father agree do whatever makes you happy.

Use yours. You're carrying the child; you're giving birth; you will give him/her the majority of care. My daughter has my name, and no one has ever questioned me about it.

Is one name easier to spell or pronounce than the other? That might be a good start. But I say step back a second and ask yourself: why is it that we still assume that a child should have the father's name? Aren't you the one who is carrying the baby, will give birth to the baby and will be the primary contact at daycare and school for the baby (as you said)? There are tons of practical reasons why the baby should have your last name. You can always change your daughter's name later. Change the baby's name when you change your name (if you plan to change your name). The only argument that I find convincing for giving the child the father's last name when you are not married is that it may help the dad feel connected to the baby. With all that said, though, it is a really hard bias to get over. We just expect that a child will have the dad's name, just like we used to expect that a woman would change her name when she got married. Good luck! And keep in mind, no matter what, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. At the end of the day, it is just a name. :)

My SIL married my brother, but kept her last name (my dad was slightly scandalized by this, LOL), but they named the kids after my brother's last name. She thought it might be harder on the kids not to have their daddy's last name. The kids are both in school now, and it's really a non-issue for them.

I had my son in 2008, my boyfriend at the time (the father of the child), had not proposed or anything. We knew we would get married eventually. Our son has his last name not mine. We found ot was easier to have his last name only because mine didnt flow with the first name. Another thing i had thought of at the birth of him, was the fact that when or if we did get married our son's last name would have to be changed, i hope this helps. Good Luck

its up to you but u have a year to change it w/o going to court or anything like that!

I agree with Pamela, Raven & Son.
Stick with your last name. WHAT IF the marriage never happens ? Then what ? You will have a lengthy legal process to change the name back to yours. Why go through all that ? I don't see the big issue with this. My kids have different last names by choice - after my divorce one of my children wanted nothing to do with his dad (or his last name) and took upon my last name - and plans to legally change it this year (even though he has been using mine for a few years now). Personally, I think you should keep the mothers last name for all the kids. If this was the case, there would never be an issue with divorce (which happens 1 out of 2 marriages) and the kids would all have the same last name - their mothers.

I also wanted to comment on what you said ('have seen how hard it can be for the parent who is primarily with the child for school and childcare functions to not have the same last name and how it can be stressful. Being questioned by those around as to whether or not they are the mother, nanny, even sister.') I have never had an issue with this - the most someone would ask lets say at a doctors office, 'are you the legal guardian or mother ?' I think they would say that to anyone they didn't know regardless of the last name. This is a non issue at all and does not cause 'me stress.'

Even if you do get married - I would say stick with your last name for yourself and your kids (don't change it to his)- wish I had done this with all my kids - now its a bit of a mess - but we are dealing with it.