My Mother - McMinnville,OR

This is loaded question with a small bit of information, if it is just how you stated it; then yes she is a grown up & she can call you herself if it matters so much to her. You seem in the right to me.

Maybe I'm wrong...but I tend to think that if it was so important to HER, SHE would have wanted to know what the plans are and would have or could have made an effort to call YOU to see if she could see her.

I'm odd tho, admittedly. I think about what I'd do regardless of animosity with my children and I would have included MYSELF in my grandchild's life regardless of a daughter who's new and has allot on her plate may include me. But alas...that's just me.

My mom wasn't in my older kids lives AT ALL. By her own choosing. Now that I, too have a 3 yr old, it has suddenly become important to her to be a grandmother. And I let her. Because SHE has made the effort.

If your mom isn't willing to meet half way...I dunno...I wouldn't feel too guilty about not including her.

Again...that's just me...

Did you invite other people or was it just your family w/the kids? If you didn't invite anyone else, why would you be obligated to invite your mom? You are totally right - she should have called to say happy b-day to your daughter. I have a grandmother like your mother - she loves to not call, then play the martyr. I don't buy into it. I'd just ignore it, tell your sister - nicely - that you'd prefer she not get involved in these issues and that if your mom has a problem she should call you to discuss. She should have called YOU.

You're not wrong. Your mother should have and would have called if it meant "anything" to her! She's trying to put the blame on YOU now so SHE doesn't feel guilty. I know this because my mothers the same way. I can never do right in her eyes and I'm ALWAYS the one to blame when things go wrong. I've found my life to be a lot less complicated now that I've finally started cutting her out of my life more and not letting her get to me when she's mad at me for whatever reason this time.

Don't worry, as long as you enjoyed your daughters b-day and she had a great day, that's ALL that matters now so stay strong and don't let her bring you down or make you feel guilty for anything. I also notice it's hard for people who have great relationships with their mother to ever fully understand anothers that my be complicated but in the end if she really cared, trust me, she would have called.

Take care & best wishes to you!

I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong. If you want your mother in your life and she wants you and your family in her life than you both need to make an effort to do so. Yes you could have called her and she could have called you. Someone has to take the step. Life is too short.

If you didn't have anything planned, there was nothing to 'invite' her to, so you have nothing to feel guilty about! My mom is the queen of the guilt trip, last year all 3 of us had the flu on the day we were supposed to fly to their home. She was so mad at me for not 'getting on the damn plane' that she refused to speak to me for 2 months!!! That wasn't the first time I had displeased her and gotten the silent treatment, either. I refuse to live my life according to her demands, I'm an adult, I have my own life to live!
You have your own family, if your mom can't make the phone call, then it's her loss, if she can't separate herself from your dad's behaviour, once again, it's her loss. I would tell your sister to stop playing the middle-man and if your mom wants to communicate with you, do it herself!
Good luck!!

It sounds like you both are proud and neither one wants to be the first to "cave-in".

If you want your mother in your daughter's life, you will have to do the calling and inviting. Period the end.

.

Well, it sounds to me like there were no "party" plans so what was there to invite her too? What kind of grandmother doesn't try to see her grandchild on her birthday or at least call to say "Happy Birthday"?
But by the same token if you really haven't been talking to your family I wouldn't have expected the call.....
Sounds like lots is going on with you & the fam. Maybe it's time to sit down & talk.

I agree with Julie S. So, you are mad at her for not calling you, about her birthday. Maybe she's mad at you for not calling her! I think it's the parents responsibility to notify others of childrens events. It's not up to family members to call and ask "when is the party?". That's why invitations are sent out. Your mom may be a little passive, so that is why you need to take the iniative here, not to mention, it's your daughter, not your moms.

As a mom it is your responsibility to notify others of the plans for your children. Even if there are no plans, especially for special occasions. I would be hurt big time if my children didn't call me and invite me to my grandchild's birthday or at least tell me they weren't having a party. If I didn't get a call I'd assume I wasn't invited and they didn't want me involved in my grandchild's birthday. When I have grandchildren I want to be involved in their lives. But at the same time I don't want to impose on a situation if I'm not wanted so I wouldn't call, I'd let my children come to me. You should have had the courtesy to explain the situation to your mother before the birthday came around. Then maybe your mother could have planned a special Grandma/Grand-daughter time on her birthday since you would be busy working. I stopped inviting family members to the my kids' birthday parties when the kids starting inviting friends from school. We'd have a friend's party and a separate family party. As they got older the family party went away. But I still let them all know.

I don't know how old your mom is but I do know that as my mother got older, she became more sensitive and expected us kids to be the ones to initiate the invitations so that she could feel more included and loved. Your mom may be a young grandmother, in which case, this probably doesn't help but just in case. . .

Personally, if you didn't have actual "official" birthday plans, then she should have called. If you had wanted to make a bigger family trip out if it, you would have. It sounds like you just wanted a little time with your hubby and baby. Your child doesn't care cause she's not old enough for it to be a big thing.

I'm guessing your relationship isn't the greatest with mom either and that's why you don't really talk to her. You can call her, too, but it's on her to call and wish your daughter a happy b-day. The passive/agressive behaviour of complaining to your sister about not being invited is immature. But if you're doing it too, then it's not going to improve. Somebody has to start being honest about what they want out of the relationship and what's not working. It might have to be you. And that's not usually comfortable, but in the long run, you'll feel better. Good luck!

In my opinion your mom should have called her granddaughter to wish happy birthday. However, if you haven't talked to her in 2.5 months maybe she felt like you were blocking her out along with your dad. When there is a difficult family situation you have to take the extra steps to 'keep the peace'. Even if that means calling your mom to say "we're not having a party this year, just going to the beach for the day". Then she knows for sure that she hasn't been overlooked. Maybe you should have a talk with mom and sister. Let them know that even though you're upset with dad you still want them as part of your life (if you really do). I'm lucky enough to get along with my family. My mom prefers me to call her because she knows we're busy and doesn't want to upset our routine. Maybe your mom is the same? Good luck.

S. problems with our parents can be so painful. If your father drinks is violent or verbally abusive remember she is also beat down by him. She may be afraid of more rejection.
If you like your mother and want her to be part of your life invite her to go with you to the zoo with your daughter and. Invite her to go to the Children's Museum and other public places with you and your daughter. Even the movies can work. You pick the day and either it works for her or it doesn't. Set a new tone with her. Make your outside visits with her every other month. It she is willing to go places with you and it works out you can see her more often and establish a better relationship.

What did you have to invite your Mom to? If this was just your husband, your daughter and yourself.... then no harm, no foul. If you had a 'party' or gathering with others invited to the beach and dinner, then maybe you could have called and told her what was happening and that she, they were more than welcome to attend. Because you don't have the world's best Mom~Daughter relationship, because this is your family, your daughter's birthday the owness is on you to make the first move, to invite them into your lives, not to have her 'push in'. I hope that Grandma and Grandpa remember their granddaughter's day with a birthday card in the mail. A gift isn't necessary, but a card would be totally appropriate. Never use kids as pawns in this game. Eventually, with age, the kids will draw conclusions based on what they know and what they feel and you could find yourself in the dog house.
Your little sister was taking the heat from your Mom and you just added fuel to an already blazing fire with your comments to her. Don't place her in the middle. Check your attitude, build a bridge and get over the past and move forward. Every day is another day to make a difference, to make things better, to start anew. You haven't called your Mom since Mother's Day? what have you done to show her that you would even accept her phone calls? There was Father's Day in June, the 4th of July..... And when it comes to your disagreements with your Dad, same thing, build bridges... there were some great times with him over the years, use those memories as the foundation for his 'grandfather' years. There will come a time when you won't have the opportunity to repair or build upon that relationship and you and your kids will lose out. Your daughter is learning now how to treat her parents by the way her Mom treats hers. Kids really do learn what they live.

Its a generational thing. Your mom's generation was taught to wait be asked, and not to but in. Sounds silly, I know. But I, being of your mom's generation would probably do the same. I am trying to teach myself to break out of that habit, but it is very difficult.

Once you become a Mama everything falls on you....Mom becomes Grandma and yes, it's your place to include her. Don't be upset, just apologize. You're new at this if you have a 3 year old and your the oldest :) My kids are 18 and 14 and I'm still learning..... Mamas wait a lifetime to be grandma and they need to be special.

God bless,

M.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else. Its frustrating and hurtful. I dont think you needed to call if you hadnt spoken in 3 months - the phone does work both ways and if she knew that your daughter's birthday was coming up why didnt she contact you before and maybe help you plan something or ask what the plans were. Seems she is a little selfish and has too high expectations to me.

You do need to address this with her tho - maybe even apologize because it will get worse and be added to 'the list of things done to me' and it will stay there forever. If you dont get along with your Dad - she is the only one that has the in to the family and you dont want to loose that. I know - my mother is horrible. She hasnt spoken to us in nearly 5 years because of something so small and stupid that happened. I tried for the longest time to fix it and its not fixable, becasue I waited to long. Make sure to think - what do you want the realtionship with your mother to be. Then make it that way - while still keeping the boundaries you need and talking openly with her. Good luck!

One thing I've learned in a long, difficult, emotional bunch of trial and error...and then surrender, is that the only thing we are in control of is ourselves.

You can't get your mom to call. You can't make her. You are only in control of your own actions. If you want her, call her. If you don't want to get involved with things at your parents house, because of your dad, then don't. But don't wreck yourself with expectations over what your mom will do if you don't call yourself. She's still living there. You're not. You are probably the lucky one, don't you think?

You know what else? Don't worry about it. Don't feel guilty about what you did or didn't do this time. Just learn something from it, move on, decide what you want to do next time, and realize it won't all go perfectly, but you can decide what you want to do, and let go of the results. Just do your best, and realize that things won't always turn out perfectly. You'll be fine. You sound like a wonderful, kind, hard-working mama.

S.,
I can understand not talking to your father But if you want your mom to be part of things you will have to let her know. It would be your responsibility to
call and let her know what the birthday plans are. If my daughter doesn't call and tell us what is going on at Birthday time for one of her kids I assume they are doing their own thing. If they aren't planning a party she lets me know. I do make certain to call my grandchild and tell them Happy Birthday. I think this problem with your dad is getting in the way of communication with your mom. Try and sit down with her and work something out . If you can't work something out then you will have to accept the fact that you may not have communication with either of your parents. Try to keep your sister out of the middle. So bottom line you should have given Mom a call and said no big Birthday bash this year and She should have called her grandchild on her Birthday and maybe mailed a card.

I think the golden rule applies here. Treat her as you would like to be treated. You can't control her behavior so it doesn't really make sense to waste time trying to figure out what she SHOULD have done. You're responsible for your own actions, not hers. So put yourself in her place and act accordingly. If you find that perhaps you should have invited her apologize sincerely to her and strive to do better in future. Hope that's helpful!

It depends. I think that it was wrong not to invite her IF you invited other people. However, if it was just a mommy, daddy, child trip then no, it wasnt wrong not to invite her....but a phone call about your non-plans would have been nice. AND yes, it is wrong for her not to call you herself, but maybe your sister called out of her own reasons, not that your mom asked her to do it...I think that regardless of who is wrong, you need to sit down with your mom (maybe both parents) and work it out. Try not to lay the blame game, just try to workout a moving forward plan. Good luck!

Like I tell my mom, the phone ways. Period. And that is with any occasion or not. I can't stand it when people say that they never hear from anybody. I usually just say "is your finger broke". I know its not very sensitive, but its the facts.