sorry if this gets long. Kinda venting but yet asking for massive advice. My mother is a hypocondirac (sp?). Among several other problems that irritate me. I will admit sometimes she is sick but really this girl needs to chill. And she puts everything on me. If something goes wrong in her life it is my fault. Not only that but she had her husband live off of her for 5 years and complains that my boyfriend went 4 months without a job and now has one. She wonders why I have to "support" him. I don't! When he gets a guard check it goes to bills or whatever. When I get a check it goes to whatever we need. Now he is starting a job and he doesn't spend time with me. She is constantly trying to ruin me and my sisters' relationships and playing massive high school drama. This he said she said is getting old. She has had me and my sisters mad enough we did not talk for weeks. And then when us girls put our big girl panties on and find out that our mother started it we confront her. Did she say that NO!! wth. My mother is deliberatly trying to screw my life over! How do you ladies deal with this?
ETA- She is not seriously ill at this point. Has she been yes I will admitt that. But now she has this and that and everything else you can think of. And as for what has been said you are right I should just leave it alone. The thing is if she can she will stalk my bf to make sure he is working. Like the other day she was in town and she drove by just to see if he was working. Not to say hi, not to stop just to drive by. My middle sister has nothing to do with her anymore because of her antics. Me I try to say as little as possible.
Hang up the phone or leave. Don't argue with her, no one is forcing you to listen to her.
When she starts saying these things, say, "Let's talk when you can be pleasant," and leave. Don't try to convince her of anything.
Any and all drama needs an audience. Stop being her personal audience. You and your sister's know what you are dealing with when dealing with your mother. Be honest with each other and yourself. Don't take anything she says seriously or personally. Sounds to me like she has a major problems. Rise above her problems. Don't let her drag you into her mess of emotional hostage taking.
Quietly put your mother on the outside of your inner circle but continue to be respectful to her because she is your mother but try not to make so much time for her antics. I hope this helps.
I think Kimberly F. summed it up pretty well.
You (and I assume, you sisters) are a big girl.
You know, for a fact, that she starts drama, so take what she says with a grain of salt.
When she makes a nasty comment about your family, end the conversation.
You start this out by saying your mother is a hypochondriac, but that doesn't sound like that's the problem.
I think mothers (and fathers) have a hard time realizing their kids are adults, but you are. So be selective about what you tell her/reveal, etc. As for personal finances--not a topic you need to be discussing with mom, or anyone else for that matter.
I hope your mom is not seriously ill. :(
Stop allowing her to affect you in such a way. You know she does this. You know she's a drama queen. So stop talking to her about these things.
If she says something about you or your sister, just brush it aside. Stop chasing the drama and letting it bother you, stop feeling the need to confront her. You already know how she is.
She might indeed be trying to "screw your life over." But you're playing right into her narcissistic little games.
So just stop. You can't control her...but you can control how YOU react and deal with the situation.
My MIL does things like this. She even calls people up she has no relation with. It is ridiculous and the sign of mental illness IMO.
How are you to say that your mother isnt really sick? Does she have a condition? No one can say how another person feels and doesn't feel. If she is sick, ease up on her.
As for her talking and starting drama between you and your sister than when she says something that looks like it will start then talk to your sister about it and get the story straight yourself!
Keep communication with your mom simple as to not start any drama, and if she starts to say things that upset you, end the conversation and say you have to go.
My mom is the same way. It is very challanging. She is only 55, but acts like she is in her 80's... plus, she depends on us to support her emotionally and financially. She does has aches and pains and arthritis, but she often fakes new illnesses and pretends she has flares when she doesnt.
All you can do is craete boundaries, not give her any information and stay free and clear of her drama.
It's that old piece of advice that you see in advice columns: you can't control your mother, but you can control how you respond to her.
Can you get counseling for a little while (you probably wouldn't need a lot) to have someone to vent to, who can then help you manage your response to your mother so it won't be so stressful?
Next, it would be good to meet with your sisters and establish that you all love each other, and will no longer be drawn in to your mother's drama and troublemaking. You sisters will be a team from now on, and she will no longer be able to break you apart.
Good luck!
My grandmother, who lived to be 97 yrs., did the same thing to my mother (now 86 yrs.), her other 2 daughters and son. They all fought for years. The only time they could speak and get along when in the 5 yrs. after Grandma died. Grandma bad-mouthed each child that she visited, to the other siblings. We realized this was a way for Grandma to keep attention on herself - by bad mouthing others (neighbors, friends, also).
YOU have to tell your mother that you love to visit and do things with her, but only if she doesn't talk negatively about your siblings or other people. If she forgets and/or starts to bad-mouth you, your siblings, their spouses, your boyfriend, etc., give her ONE nice warning (i.e. "Mom, I said we weren't going to talk about other people, and if you continue, I will have to end our visit"). This may be a life long process to do this with your mother, but you need to do this consistently.
Also, one of the biggest issues my mothers siblings had was that they would repeat to each other negative things they heard from my grandmother. This kept the cycle going. You will need to restrain yourself from talking negatively about your mother or any sibling, to your other siblings. This is like feeding each other poison - doing no better than their own mother is doing.
Explain what you're going to start doing, with the other siblings. Even if they don't "go with the program", you NEED to do it for yourself.
Now that you know your Mom is talking about all of you behind your backs, do something about it. Contact Social Services or Human Services and see what it wouldtake to have admitted for a psych eval. Tell her she gets with the program and follows doctors orders, takes medication if prescribed or she won't be seeing her daughters again.
