Please Tell Me How to Deal

If you really belive that a horrible fight will break out, then why in the world would you even consider going?

If there are going to be other people there that you want to see, then go. But tell hubs ahead of time that if this woman starts anything, you are putting the baby in the car and driving home. with or without him.

Be the bigger person. Diffuse her with kindness. I think you should go and build the relationship so the brothers can remain close. I have a SIL who has said nasty things to me and I really just let them go so the family can get together and be close. It helps that everyone knows this SIL is overbearing and out of line. It has actually become more entertaining than irritating as time had gone on.

Ditto Browneyedgirls.

NEVER get pulled into this junk. This woman is an addict.

She is probably jealous, definitely unstable.

No one can take your pride or happiness away from you, unless YOU allow it.
Go on with your life and ignore her mess.

Also try to quit using "Ghetto" as a way to describe people. it is not considered good manners or proper language. . Stay above these behaviors and don't get pulled in.. Because then you are giving her power.

Be the best YOU can be, so that your son can be his best.

I am sending you a healing heart and strength.

M., you and your husband and your child are your own family now. Sounds like this is the perfect time to start your OWN family traditions.

Have a small dinner at home, invite peeps who make you feel good, whose company you enjoy. Do it YOUR way.

Ignore any backlash and just say you've decided to start your own traditions and change the subject. You have the right to enjoy your holidays with people you love as you see fit.

Step away from the drama.

Happy Thanksgiving!

:)

Three words. Do. Not. Go. And neither should hubby.

Are you talking about a physical brawl at a family gathering? In that case, don't go at all. You don't need to be exposing your child or yourself to that kind of environment.

I don't think that you and your husband need to go to a holiday that includes this cousin. Your husband's family isn't saying bad things about your son. This one crazy cousin made a comment to you once. If she's a problem, you should just have Thanksgiving with hubby's parents and his siblings, cousin can go to her own parents or inlaws. Keep away from the cousin. Make different plans for Thanksgiving that don't include her. You won't change her; she enjoys leading a life of drama and free of class.

Oh NO!! Your a new mom. I would not even go!!! Start your own tradition and cook at home. Your already thinking that someone is going to attach you and your baby.... I would not even think of going.
Your baby deserves his grandfathers name. My oldest sons has his great grandfathers name and I heard remarks also.
You would be surprised how much your hubby would defend his family when attached by rude people. I thought the same about my husband, then his sister was really rude to me in front of him and he ripped into her. I loved it. She cried.
If your husband is really wants to go and wants you and the baby with him. I would go with a positive outlook. But be clear with your husband, when you say its time to go.....its time to go. No fighting or rude talking with family, if someone says anything....LEAVE!
I wish you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

why does your husband want to go? will his mom be there? isnt his mom upset about this as well?

if theres an honorable reason he wants to go...as in there are 30+ family members and the issue is only with 1 and he doesnt want to write off an entire family for his cousin's drama then I';d say go and be the adult! Honestly if you say something back to a violent junkie then i'd consider you J. as immature if i was there. you can smile, play nice, and if she starts anything tell her you'd rather not argue anymore and that you're sorry if something you did offended her. Yes fake apologies are sometimes needed for the mentally ill and junkies.

I'd stay home. If someone told me that my son didn't deserve his name, I'd let them have their own life and parties, and I'd stay out of it. Truly. It's overly dramatic, immature, and chaotic. Your son needs to be surrounded with love and positivity.I feel sorry for her, because she clearly has some issues. You can't stoop down to someone like that..Just don't.go. Stay home and be happy.I would not give into someone like that. not ever.

She wants her comment to haunt you and hurt. Don't give her that power or satisfaction. Easier said than done, but get that wackadoo out of your heart, mind, and soul. Don't let her rob you of your joy as a new mama. No matter if you spend Thanksgiving with her or not, I think your biggest battle will be internal. Fight those thoughts that keep coming up about her. She is not worth the headspace. As soon as you find yourself thinking about her, get lost in your little baby's sweet cheeks! Also, if you do go see her on Thanksgiving make a plan with your hubby. Decide
ahead of time how long you are staying, how you guys will handle things if someone says something, and have a code word to signal emergency exit.
Blessings!

If not going is an option, I would seriously consider it, if I were you.

If you do decide to go:
Map out all exits when you arrive
Watch your back
Keep your eyes (if not hands) on your child at all times
Do not engage the ghetto cousin
Stay far away from the Uncle who hits girls
Do you have any allies in the family? If so, stay by them
At the first sight or feel of trouble, scoop up your child and LEAVE

Momma L. is correct when she says that you shouldn't let them get to you...but with people like that it is better to be prepared for what might happen. I have known 'crazy' and I have known 'fighting families' and both of them prove themselves to be just that, when given the opportunity.

I do not mean this in a hurtful way but to be honest, these people do not sound like they deserve ANY recognition as 'family' in any sense of the word and if I were you I would be cutting these people out of my and my child's life completely... no contact & absolutely no family holidays!!

~If you are not positive that your husband would jump in and stand up for you, should the situation call for it, I would NOT be going if I were you! Period. End of story!!

Stay home...with the baby. If hubs wants to go, that is on him. Honestly, would anyone be stupid enough to wonder WHY you weren't there? If they want to see the baby badly enough, they will come to you, in your home. If they can't be respectful, then you do NOT need to subject yourself or your child to any of that nonsense. I've learned the hard way that some people are not worth fighting with and it's better to just write them off. If she is a girl who likes to fight, then saying something will be exactly what she is looking for and will only end badly. Seriously, don't go...you may feel bad not going, but you're going to feel a lot worse if you do and someone does start something. Time for new traditions.

Well, consider the source. Her words are worthless, you know that, do not let them get to you.

I would choose to go only based upon the following: If she and the family is calm and over the drugs, than I would still go to the dinner, and have a nice escape route should anything happen. I would not respond to her or engage her in any way. Just smile and nod your head. If she bullies you, politely dismiss yourself. If your husband really will do what he says and step in, than that is good. But, if he is known to back down or shy away from confrontation, than I would not even go to the dinner. If this family is known for fighting, than I would put my baby's safety first and stay home. Especially if there will be drinking or drug use. In that case, I'd probably tip them off to the police too ;)

I wouldn't go. Holidays are a prime time for people to go crazy - with an audience.

Have your own Thanksgiving at your own home.
Hubby can stay home with you and shun the ghetto relatives
By insulting you and your child, they are insulting him as well.
Cook your own turkey.
Have some of your family over and maybe a few of the saner members of his family.

You don't need to say anything to her. If she still feels that your son shouldn't have his grandfather's name, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but his father and I disagree and that's his name. Can someone pass the potatoes, please?" Sometimes you have to consider the source. Who emails a new mother something like that? She's unbalanced.

When I named DD, I had no idea I was giving her the exact same name of a relative I don't like's daughter that I don't really associate with. I told people the truth of the thought behind the name and there's never been a problem. DD goes by a completely different nickname and the kids aren't even the same generation. The cousin will get over it or she'll look like a fool. I have to wonder if she really wanted to use that name for one of her children and was just miffed that you used it first.

Even if she gets snarky with you, take the higher ground. DO NOT get into a verbal fight with her. If you don't give her audience, she's just talking to herself. No matter what she thinks, your son has a name and everybody else needs to get over it. Don't stay home. Just have a pat response, like I suggested above, and then don't give her any more though than necessary. Be classy yourself and let her hang on her own rope. Do not engage.

If the uncle hits women, you call the cops and report him if he hits you. If the family cannot sit down to a normal Thanksgiving dinner and get along, then you have bigger problems than the name of your child.

You need to stay with your child. Ideally your husband would let you all stay home and have a family holiday or you could find healthier relatives. It would be healthy to cut the cousin off at least.

Consider the source that said it to you...which it sounds like you really already have. Let the comment(s) go because it shouldn't matter what this crazy cousin thinks...she obviously has issues.

As for Thanksgiving, absolutely go. I have a cousin on my husbands side of the family I have to be around sometimes and my dad gave me the best advice ever. Don't let others stop you from having a good time. Go there have fun and pretend like she doesn't even bother you. Doesn't mean you have to be mean to her but also doesn't mean you have to let her get to you. I'm sure things will be ok. And if they get out of hand I'm sure your husband will not have a problem packing up and leaving. Good luck!

I would suggest that you just ignore it. This all sounds like highschool drama not grown up stuff. She hurt your feelings and that is on her. Be the bigger person and ignore it. And if your feeling physically threatened by her why would you take your baby and go there?

if you feel that you have to go - have a game plan. you and hubby have to AGREE that if the sh** starts going down, you both get up and walk out the door and DON'T look back.

i would hate to be in your shoes. it sounds as though there is other family there that you feel you need to spend holidays with. maybe give them a heads up too. but most of all - all you can control is YOU. make sure YOU don't antagonize or start anything. then if they do, walk away.

don't put your daughter in a situation to get hurt. she is your first concern, right?

Some people are just nasty individuals. She is. Period. Don't engage her in any way. If she confronts you, walk away. If she continues to confront you say in a loud and clear voice "I will not allow you to insult me further. We are leaving." then pack up your children and husband and leave. Let him know AHEAD of time that this is the plan. This ensures that he doesn't have to assert himself verbally, but leaving with you would make a statement in and of itself. If he won't agree to that, then you have a MUCH bigger issue to deal with.

Don't give this any more thought. I know that's easier said than done, but this is 100% about her and her inability to act like s civilized adult. Don't sink to her level and don't let her know that she made such an impact on you. That will just feed her insanity and she'll continue.

Hold your head high, steel yourself and have a plan that you and your husband have agreed to ahead of time. If and when she forces you to implement the plan, do so immediately and don't look back.

What a witch. You have no need to be nice to her. I wouldn't instigate something with her, but don't be fake either.

You called one person, 'ghetto' and another, 'trash'.

Wow! All in one family? Wow weeeeeee. I would stay away. You are doomed if you go and doomed if you don't go.

Mamabird, I could only give your post one flower, but I wanted to give you a whole bouquet! Thats soooo true!

It is terrible that she did that--jumping someone days after having a baby? In the worst way possible: talking about her baby? HOWEVER, consider the source. And don't get pulled into drama. You know that was a stupid comment made by a person who didn't have all her faculties. She was probably repeating something that's been told to her about at least one of her own children.....or about herself, at some point in time. So don't get all up in arms about it still, 8 months later. I'm not saying be friends with her, but you don't have to let it actively upset you. If the rest of the family felt like that AND LET YOU KNOW, then no, you have no reason going to break bread with any of them. But if it's just her, my advice would be that if you're looking for a fight or actively holding something that was said nearly a year ago, then you will find what you're looking for. I would be noncommittal to tell the truth. Go, make your dish or whatever, be kind, tend to your child (8 months old requires a lot of attention), try to engage. If it isn't working, go home. As a matter of fact, perhaps you could have your own Thanksgiving at home, and just come visit his family for a preset amount of time. Visit, make nice, be kind, eat, then take the baby home for a nap and spend some quality family time at home also. It's easier when you know it's short. If it doesn't work this year, you can know not to bother next year and do your OWN thing, make your OWN traditions with your own little family now.

We may not enjoy it much, but there are pretty much three legal ways to "get over" an insult:

1. Die;

2. Forgive;

3. Receive a sincere apology, then forgive.

You almost certainly don't want to do the first, and apparently are not interested in trying the second. That leaves the third, which may someday arrive, but probably not any time soon. If she apologized, would you then be able to forgive?

If so, then you probably can get there without her apology – why let another person's opinion of you go on hurting forever? If you wouldn't be able to forgive her, then part of the underlying "cause" originates with you, my dear. and your obvious opinion of your cousin. As much as we wish everybody had a great opinion of ourselves and our children, there's a fair likelihood that quite a few people hold some negative feeling or other.

I wonder whether your son has been hurt by this woman's comment. Unless you brought it up to him, he has been blessedly spared. If you have told him, why? Either way, he's still the same wonderful, complex, perfect and flawed individual he has always been.

So, as things stand, your cousin-in-law has "won." For whatever reason, she landed a verbal blow that still bleeds years later. But perhaps you two are both "winning;" have you considered whether your opinions of her and her children hurt her as well? Does it have to be a contest/battle/war?

It takes two to fight. It takes one to forgive. And I know, because I struggle with it too, that forgiving is one of the hardest things we can learn to do. And one of the most rewarding.

Do your best to stay clear of her and if she wants to just challenge you then I would just tell your husband you want to leave so as not to ruin everyone's Thanksgiving dinner. Take the high road as hard as that may be. If she tries to talk to you it doesn't mean you need to look at her and answer. I would ignore the fact that she is even present.

Do not be afraid of her because she is all talk and if she wants to get physical then I would call the cops ( I know this would cause alot of drama, but this girl seems to have some serious issues)

And as far your son having his grandfather's name? I think that is wonderful and never let anyone tell you any different. What an honor for all involved.

Also tell this cousin-in-law to lose your email address or you change it.

Remember what goes around comes around and this person is just a pathetic loser!

Yeah, husbands can be good back-up, but mine is not my first line of defense. I don't leave that kind of stuff up to my husband. I haven't had problems to this extent with his people, but whenever I'm at an event with his ex-wife, I make it a point to always know where she is and to keep within arm's reach of a wine/beer/ketchup bottle or other weapon. Things are better now, but.... When it comes to people I just don't want to be around, I just stay away. I can't afford to care what they have to think or say about it. That said, I do have to care about how my interactions with them might affect my husband. When I was having certain issues with some of his relatives, I kept my distance. We would drop in for special occasions and then leave after an hour. I would encourage him to go without me.

Last year we were invited to his granddaughter's birthday party at the ex-wife's house. I left my then 9mo at home. Maybe you guys can leave the baby with your family while you drop by for maybe an hour.

Regarding the e-mail and other hurtful words, do not engage. It's hard, but you can only do and say so much. Since you know that you can't help the situation with your words, defer to your husband on everything. Any voicemail or e-mail or US mail...just forward it to him and let it go. Assume that they are not talking to you.

Just remember it takes 2 to fight. So while they may try to instigate something, you don't have to engage.

I would go with the idea that if something gets started, I will not engage, but will quietly gather my things and leave. And when I say "something gets started" I mean really gets started; not just that you perceive someone is looking at you funny or you THINK you overheard someone saying something etc. but someone actually says something mean or ugly to you or about your child.