My Stepchild and I Don't like Each Other

I disagree with the post saying that it is OK to give up on your husbands kids. As a teacher I had a room full of kids every year, some that were clean, polite and trying hard to please and some that were the opposite. I felt that it was my job as the adult to find a way to be there for the kids who were the hardest to love. Just because they have covered their hearts with hardness and bitterness probably planted by another person does not mean that underneath it all they do not need love the most. You are the adult in the situation and should rise above their pettiness and assume what I learned to call Deliberate Intelligent Behavior. It would have never been OK for me as a teacher just as it is not OK for you as a stepmother to ever say "I do not like you." and if and when I did something that is not right I would honestly apologize and say that was not right for me to say that. They are 9 years old. What I did do is in a positive way I taught them the way to treat me as I in turn always treated them respectfully. Your husband can play a part in this. "In this house we talk to each other in a nice way and we help each other and we make it pleasant for everyone's sake. It is OK if you do not like me right now, sometimes you make it hard for me to like you but in this house we will learn to be kind and keep trying to make things better because that is what family is about."
My first husband died when I was pregnant with our first child and she was 6 when I remarried and she was awful to my new husband. "Go away my mommy doesn't like you" and on and on. My husband and I continued to work with her and be patient with her and to have expectations of her and she is now 30 with children of her own and she and my husband have a wonderful relationship, but it was not easy but it was so worth it not to give up on. Always model good behavior and do not get pulled into competition or childish battles. Take the high road and renew your resolve to never give up on your husband's children. To me it is the same love that God has for us. He never gives up on us, even when we turn our backs on Him and act completely awful.
It may be the most important thing you do in this lifetime.
He will thank

I have the same relationship with my two stepkids. If you can honestly say that in those 7 years you tried your hardest and with an open heart and mind, you have nothing to feel bad about. Just make sure you have an open and honest conversation with your husband about it. If he knows you tried and tried, he should understand. My husband finally, after six years, allowed me to say "I'm done" and he supports me on it. I no longer have to take an interest or put forth any effort to make them happy anymore.

I am in the exact same situation as B. and mom2cade. My SD is 12, my husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for six. While in theory I agree with the other posters that it's better to be the adult, to set an example and to love unconditionally. However, with an angry, blameful child, it makes life very difficult. We've done couples and family therapy as well as individual therapy for her. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, abandonment issues (mom left when she was young and only resurfaced after I came into the picture), and a borderline personality disorder. I've tried everything to show to love this child, to treat her as my own, and more recently to love and care for her at arms' length. Nothing changes. Just last week she admitted to my daughter--who is also 12--that she is not and never was happy her Dad and I married and that she hates me and my daughter. She also openly admitted this to her Dad, saying "I hated them then but I hate them less now". I empathize with B.. Sometimes it just doesn't work; all of the giving, trying, caring, loving is very emotionally draining. Elizabeth is right to a point. You chose to marry a man with a child, it's a package deal. Just as my husband married my daughter and I. Unfortunately, we don't own a crystal ball and cannot see the future 2, 5 or 15 years down the road to know if the issues will still be there. You have a right to feel the way you do. My suggestion is to talk to your husband, perhaps some counseling is in order. I would also suggest standing your ground and don't let her change who you are. Keep your chin up.

Of all the posts, mine included, I think this is the best advice, "In this house we talk to each other in a nice way and we help each other and we make it pleasant for everyone's sake. It is OK if you do not like me right now, sometimes you make it hard for me to like you but in this house we will learn to be kind and keep trying to make things better because that is what family is about."

Kids go through phases, my older son is in "I hate you" phase right now, teenager. The fact that she is a girl, makes it harder. In long term studies of behavior, it was noted that girls have particular problems adjusting to new step parents. I think when she grows up, she will see more clearly the whole picture, but now, she is just a kid, hurt by the choices of others. When my son tells me "I do not love you anymore" (he is 15) I respond, "Well, and I still do, no matter what." So he never wins this argument :)

I see all sides on this. I see your frustration and possible desire to just want to give up (for good). I see the stepdaughter's side (believe it or not). She was 2 when you came into her world. At two, you know who your (biological mom) is and who isn't. Your post is very short and so there's not much to go on. Any way you could elaborate a bit?
If it were me, I'd sit her down and have a one-on-one with her, if you haven't tried already. Try to get to the core of her issue with you (why she blames you for everything). Explain to her that you have feelings too and one day she'll grow up and have children and wouldn't it hurt her feelings if her daughter said that to her all the time?
Lastly, I would definitely say something like, "While I don't always like the things you do or say (to me), I always love you and hope someday you'll realize that I'm doing the best I can for you and your father."

I have to say I totally agree with Missy. Without really knowing the circumstances of your relationship, these are the things I do know. You CHOSE to marry this man and when you did, you KNEW he had a daughter. When you CHOSE to marry him, you CHOSE to be a mother. Mother's don't give up. PERIOD. End of story. Mother's SHOULD love unconditionally. Even when it's hard. Especially when its hard. The other thing that I know is that she is 9 and you are the adult. How can you expect her to be kind or respectful to you, when you tell her things like "I don't like you"? You have to model the kind of behavior you want her to show you.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm telling you this because I have been the 9 year old. My father left my mother and married "the other woman". I blamed her for everything as a child and I hated her. But she loved me through it. Even when I was AWFUL to her. We have an amazing relationship today and I am so glad she never gave up on me. As ugly a situation as divorce can be, I truly feel blessed to have a second mom. I am the mother I am today, partially because of the way she always demonstrated love to me.

Please don't give up on her.

I wish I had some good advice but maybe this will make you feel better....I don't like my son either and he is my own flesh and blood. I love him more than life itself, but if he were someone i wasn't related to, I would avoid him like the plague. We couldn't be more different and he struggles with some other medical issues that makes life harder. We are currently seeing a psychologist together. Once a week. It has only been a month. I feel like it is helping some but we have a long way to go. He is a very anxious, controlling and explosive kid. Then I go off and handle it very immaturely because I am so resentful of him these days. I didnt used to be so immature, its just starting to happen after years of trying to be by the book and it failing on me. He is down right rude and he is NOT learning it from my husband and I.

I think you should apologize for what you said and try to make it right. We are in it for the long haul and we are the adults. But I assure you, no judgement here. I once considered myself a very kind and patient person but some people can push us to our limit. I'm there now!

I come from a divorced family. It's a tricky and painful place to be for a young child. I took my anger out on my stepdad. Again, she may be making mistakes but it's our job to be good role models and take the high road. Do whatever you need to do to mend that relationship. Would she ever consider a weekend trip with just you? You don't have to be best buds, she has a mom for that. However, life sure will be more enjoyable for your family! Good luck!