My Teen Is an Atheist!

I think if you read the book "Living the Secular Life" by Phil Zuckerman you'll feel more comforted in that he can still be an amazing, happy, successful person without religion. It has stories about people who live meaningful, giving lives without religion and has stats about how the least violent countries are the least religious.

I think if you tried to understand and respect his perspective, and learned more about his views, you wouldn't be so worried.

My husband and daughter are religious, I'm not (I'm agnostic) and my son is atheist and we're all just fine the way we are.

A song from "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" comes to mind: The Age of Not Believing. He is exploring his world and what he does and doesn't believe. He has some valid questions and unfortunately there are no answers to those questions. Let him explore and let him share his feelings with you, that may lead to some very deep and meaningful conversations.

M

There are worst things to have, or believe in. Just don't talk religion with him and all will be fine.

it's an age-old question. greater minds than any here have been wrestling with it for eons with no nice neat answers. so i'd start by sharing that with your son. you should not try to give him a nice neat answer with a bow on top. let him know that his questioning and searching demonstrates his intelligent and questing nature, and that these are good things.
way better than trying to spoon-feed him the 'right answers' according to any religion or philosophy. there aren't any right answers.
when my thoughtful young men were asking these sorts of questions, i questioned and explored right along with them. i didn't put myself in some sort of authoritative place from which to dictate to them.
i'm very religious. my older son is a fairly spiritual fellow. my younger is agnostic.
i'll be fascinated to see how it evolves as their lives unfold.
mine too.
ETA i LOVE hell on heels' perspective! and am very taken aback by those suggesting that your son's thoughtful, intelligent questioning indicates a boy who is in need of therapy. i think therapy is more in line for those who accept everything without ever questioning.
:) khairete
S.

Atheists can live quite happy and productive lives, as I can attest. So no need to worry. And your son brings up a very valid question.

Our children often end up being quite different from what we had anticipated. And once we adjust and accept it, as I did when I found out my son was gay, we find out it doesn't really matter if they are different from us.

Is your son a decent, ethical human being? If so, that's all that matters.

Give him space for his beliefs as you're doing. But remind him that there isn't a religion anywhere that promises that God makes sure nothing bad happens to people.

People use religion to get through all the bad times and the Shadow of the Valley of Death and all that...

That's partially why religion was invented. To help people cope with unbearable struggles.

So while you support his choice to believe that everything in the universe appeared and functions without any higher power, the proof of this is not the fact that bad things happen.

It's a common misconception by people though. And no offense, but Christianity does give the false hope that praying for safety for loved ones will keep them from harm. So it's pretty devastating to people when they realize it's not the case. However religion can help greatly with grief on the other hand...

He'll make all kinds of changes to his beliefs throughout life.

I am a devout Catholic who is active in the church. I'm a Eucharistic minister, and often volunteer for various other things, as well. My children have always been active, as well. My oldest son (17yo) has been an usher for the past two years.

Well, a few months ago, that same son who has been so active in the church came to me and told me he had been struggling with his faith for a long time. He hadn't come to me before because he didn't want me to be disappointed. He says he believes in something, but he isn't sure what. It was causing him so much anxiety, and he felt so much better after we talked. I assured him that I will love and support him always, no matter what his faith (or lack of faith) is.

He also talked to our priest who was wonderful with him. My son is wanting to explore other faiths and philosophies and our priest was very understanding of this. My son ended up leaving the church, but our priest assured him that he will always be welcome if he chooses to visit or come back on a more permanent basis.

It was extremely difficult for me at first. My heart broke a bit when I went to mass without my oldest son the first time, but I know that he needs to follow this path, and I am going to support him. I was worried about how it would impact our youngest son who will turn 11 this week and seems to have a strong faith, but he seems to be doing just fine. I'm doing better now, too. I love both of my boys and just want them to be happy, productive members of society. They can choose their own paths.

I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this right now, but hope that you both find peace with the situation somehow.

I'm not trying to be dismissive, but it's likely that your teen may move through many other big questions in life before settling 'for good' on one specific path.

I am an atheist, more of the secular humanist variety. A person can be an atheist and still have very strong moral convictions, these are not mutually exclusive ideas. Your son cares about himself and others and may have a very frustrated sense of justice regarding his own experiences. I can relate to that and had similar questions about my own troubles in my past. My own conclusion was that, while we might believe in a higher power or not, the real faith in life happens when *people* actively help each other and act as true manifestations of their own ethics and faith. Call it what you will, I believe it is far better to be a thoughtful, considerate, kind and giving person than it is to believe in something/someone and not do those things.

For what it's worth, I don't have a grudge to hold against any higher power or faith. I find the atheists who are 'angry at God' not to really be atheists, you know-- because how can you be mad at something you don't believe exists? My family is mostly Christian, many of them fundamentalist; my husband, son and I are the only secular members on my side. I would encourage you in one thing only-- please don't saddle your son with any of your own fears about his faith. He needs you to accept that he's searching, and he needs to know you love him no matter what. I have family members who will say things like "it makes me sad to know you aren't saved" and I just say "well, it makes me sad, too, that you believe I am condemned". I'm glad for them to have their faith, but those sorts of "I know more about your fate than you do, you misguided child" do chafe and drive a wedge. There is judgment there, where there should be love and tolerance instead. So remember that you want to respond to his questions instead of reacting in fear to them. Good luck!

He is probably a very thoughtful person, incredibly bright and he is at the age where he is realizing what it means to be human and about to be more independent,

He has been taught how to learn, so he is questioning, gathering facts, observing and finding his own answers. That may mean the things you believe in are not what he believes in and that is fine.

We each need different things in our lives. Our goal is to raise happy, caring, educated informed, independent children who can become their own very best, as adults.. Your son sounds like he is doing just fine.

There was a time in my life when I gave up on beliefs for a good reason. I walked away from faith for over three decades due to the situation of losing my mom young.

One morning my neighbor chatted with me and I declared by beliefs and in that moment I heard from a higher being that "he" understood why I walked away and all was forgiven.

The fact that your son has been bullied and felt that no one was there to save him from his plight is a cause for his personal feelings. Life experiences make us who we are and we all have a road and journey to travel. Sometimes we have many pitfalls or tests put in front of us and we have to learn how to find a way around them.

Just love him and be there when he needs you. One day he may surprise you and tell you he has found peace within his life and can believe again.

I feel we are all spiritual. We all believe it is just a matter of how. You are not failing him you have done a wonderful job in raising to make decisions on his own. Right now he is confused and he is trying to find his way.

the other S.

I'm surprised I have a son who is a believer! haha. Different perspectives I guess. We have to let them be their own people. Let him find his own path and encourage him to read and learn about all kinds of religion. He will be fine as long as you are supporting and accepting.

There's a lot of theological debate among many religions about the "all powerful" aspect - it's been troubling throughout history, but it particularly reared its head in post-Holocaust times. Many religious theologians have shifted, saying that God is all-loving and all-knowing, but not all-powerful. They say that God gave up some power when humans were created, and it is the job of humans to complete the work.

So, when people say "Where is God amid all these bad things?", many answer that God could not intervene in the Holocaust or the Sudan strife or Vietnam or the school shootings, 9/11 or the AIDS epidemic. Instead, God was in the hands and minds of the rescuers of Jews, the intrepid spirit of those who walked hundreds of miles and endured African refugee camps, the spirit of reconciliation with Vietnam now, the brave teachers who shielded children in Newtown, the first responders after 9/11, and the scientists and doctors who work with AIDS patients.

Perhaps, by that argument, God IS answering your son's prayers by giving him the strength to talk to you, to stand up against bullies, to be kind to others so no one else has to feel this way. Perhaps God wants your son to start (or help) an organization in school to bring light to the bullying problem. There's a common expression that we have to "pray with our feet" - that we can't just pray in a vacuum and leave the work to God, but we have to pray for strength and inspiration and then get off our butts and do the work.

My son told me he was an atheist around the same age. I mentioned it to my rabbi, who said, "Don't worry. They ALL are at this age! Focus on what he does and how he acts, and not on what he believes."

So I would say to my son that there are plenty of people who profess a belief in God and a love for God, and then turn around and do cruel, callous, discriminatory things that give God pain. It's like people who make a big deal about the Pledge of Allegiance but then are not patriotic in their actions. It doesn't matter what people say - it matters what they DO! So, he's 17, he's becoming an adult, and the world's realities are far more clear to him than when he was 12 or 8 or 4. So, he needs to come into his own adult reality and decide that he has a job on this earth, which is to make his own corner of the world a little better and not be a victim, expecting everyone else to do it for him.

I think, if you are a member of a church, you might benefit from talking to your clergy person and perhaps having your son do so as well.

What sort of help are you looking for?
Help with accepting that your son is questioning whether there is a God or not?
Or help with giving him answers that will convince him to believe as you do?

I think a lot of teen and young adults question the beliefs they were raised with.
Some turn away from religion forever, others find a different religion that resonates with them while others rebound after awhile and return to what they were familiar with when they were young.
Just relax, and don't panic.
He's still your son no matter what he believes.

I'm having this same talk with my 11 year old son. He is extremely sensitive, and very sad when he hears about people suffering, dying, animals dying, etc. he asks me the same question? It's a universal question, Why do so many bad things happen to good people? Why would God allow bad things to happen?

We all have a choice, humanity isn't perfect, and we all are given the freedom to think, feel, act on our own accord. If God made it easy or perfect for us, we never would grow, learn, achieve, be motivated, and challenge ourselves.

I'd rather be imperfect and strive for perfection, then already be perfect and have nothing to work for. Same with life and the things that are thrown to us. Our burdens. Our sacrifices.

It's good that he is thinking, challenging, and identifying. He is at the age where everything is questioned.

He is working through his feelings. It's important to allow his space, and to challenge him along his path.

I wouldn't give him any answers. You can't convince someone to believe what you believe. Continue to live your life as a good Christian and maybe one day your son will come back to your religion. Usually happens when they get married or have children but not always.

So you want us to help you figure out how to convince him to adopt your beliefs?

You should be proud you raised an independent, critical thinker. He can enjoy a full, successful and moral life without believing in the existence of a higher power. Lots of people do.

If God is all loving, all knowing and all powerful, why does he allow suffering?

Free will.

What good is love if it isn't given freely? God doesn't make us love him. That isn't love.

We cannot explain why suffering exists, but it does help a bit to understand that God cannot give us free will and force us to always do the right thing. God gives us free will. We make our own choices, and we don't always make the right choice.

But I wouldn't argue or try to convince your son to believe in God. Rather, I would remind hiim that what he's feeling is genuine, that he has a right to be angry and that it's ok to feel what he's feeling. And then I would remind him that he can't change the past, but he can look to the future. What is he going to do with the next year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years of his life. What would he like to do. What are his hopes and dreams.

We all have pain in our past. We all deal with difficult times and difficult people. And it sucks!!! It really, really does. And it's not easy to move forward. And it's ok if he's having trouble with that. And moms don't always know how to help. But somehow, we have to find the courage within to keep moving forward. We have to swallow some of that pain and push on. That's how we do it. Little be little. And I do believe that God gives us the strength to move forward.

I like the idea of talking to your pastor about this. I'm sure he/she has had this conversation with many parents and teens. Maybe he/she has some words of wisdom or a story to share with your son. There are many beautiful stories and poems that touch on moving past pain and on using your pain to make you better/stronger/more compassionate.

Help him to see that he's not alone, that other people have pain in their past as well and that it does get better.

If all else fails, take him to a soup kitchen! Maybe the two of you could volunteer one afternoon. If he sees how hard it is for some people, he might decide that while life isn't always easy, he is very blessed.

I wouldn't worry. Faith is a journey. I'd lend legitimacy to his current conclusion.

I've often been where he is at this moment in his life.

I would initiate non-confrontational conversations, you asking him what he thinks. And listen. And let him talk.

Then I'd probably say something like: I've always felt that God gives each of us something to overcome. Like a challenge. Like a way to show we are better, you know? I wonder if this is YOUR challenge? I doubt He thinks of you as a victim, maybe this is Him saying, hey, you're strong enough to handle this, maybe this is the area you can advocate, maybe He wants you to help Him make the world a better place, a place where there is less suffering because of you.

Anyway, allow him to explore how he feels, okay? Keep him close.

:)

1) It is ok if your son is an atheist. You can't force anyone to have beliefs that they don't have.
2) If your son is open to discussion, this is a good topic to bring to your pastor. Surely your pastor has dealt with these kinds of hard faith questions before. I would suggest that you OFFER (do not force) this option to your son if he wants to talk to someone about this. But he may not be ready to talk to a pastor about it, and if he's not ready, just let him know that the option is there and give him some space.

It sounds more like he is exploring his beliefs as he grows into an adult. Faith is a personal path and he has to find his. He sounds like a very caring young man, with a good heart. That has not changed. It's just that his faith path is diverging from yours.

I like Angela's approach. If your pastor is not judgmental or one whose approach would push him away, encourage him to talk about these questions. Then step back and let him find his way.

God has allowed people to have their own free will and frankly some people do some pretty crappy things. That has nothing to do with God. Bad things happen to good people, that's the world we live in. God is there in our good times and our bad times. We lean on Him to help us through and to still focus on the positive in our lives when things are bad. I understand being a Christian we want our kids to follow us. Our kids are 12 and 15 and I sort of jokingly say my 12 yo is an atheist. He's the one that questions every single thing. I have spoken to his youth pastor so he knows this and he tries to answer all his questions so he understands. And my husband and I try to tell the kids real life examples of how God has worked in our lives and continues to so they understand. It IS hard to explain. Our Christian beliefs are based on things not seen. That's what faith is. I may not see the sun at night, but I believe it's coming in the morning and it's still there. I don't see the wind, but I know it's there. Just keep being there for him and speak to your pastor about it and maybe he/she will have some good advice. Good luck.

As a Christian you should know that God did not spare his only begotten son from suffering even to the extent of dying a horrifically painful and demoralizing death upon a cross. Just because we suffer doesn't mean God doesn't exist.

I think it may be time for a very special movie night. Check out, "God's NOT Dead" starring Kevin Sorbo.

It may also help your son to talk with a pastor or perhaps even go to counseling. The experience of being bullied is an awful one but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Many people have been through terrible, horrible things and have used those experiences to help others as well as themselves live victorious lives. I was bullied as a teen but it NEVER stopped me from being successful and having a great life and being tender and kind to others.

I hope you enjoy the movie as you continue to have open dialog with your son and pray for him.

Your son needs someone to be angry at, and he has chosen religion to be angry at. It happens.

You said he's been bullied. Has he had any help with that? Have you thought of getting him some counseling? NOT with your pastor - with a teen counselor...

I really think that it would be good for you to get someone to work with him. He has some real growing up to do and a counselor could help with that. At some point, when he's more mature, he may be able to come to terms with his childhood better and stop blaming God.

I am not a religious person, but I have done a lot of reading on theology and find it fascinating. Depending on his reading level, I would recommend giving him access to Descartes, Pascal, Voltaire, and Sartre for some really amazing discussions on the nature of religion, belief, good and evil, from an intellectual perspective. I recommend those four because they span the range from atheist (Sartre) through devoutly religious (Pascal) and some interesting middle ground.

One quote from Candide always sticks with me on the nature of evil- the main character is talking with another about good an evil. One describes how a painting is composed of light and shadow, of necessity- the shadow gives form to the light and creates beauty. The other says yes, but " vos ombres sont des taches horribles;" basically, the shadows are horrible stains. This makes a lot of sense to me- philosophically, the shadows define the light, there is no good without evil...but evil is still a horrible, ugly thing. Recognizing that our world is a beautiful place, even with the terrible things that happen, doesn't make those terrible things OK, just a reality. I offer this not as an "answer," just an example of some questions that your son could be asking and exploring beyond the text of any bible.

What kind of help are you looking for? Religion and politics are things that are shaped by life experiences.

Tell your son you love him unconditionally.
Tell your son that there will always be good and evil in the world.
Show him all the good things that happen.

I'm sorry he was bullied. I'm sorry that someone didn't step in and help him get the situation resolved. He's angry. He needs someone or something to be angry at. Keep him talking.

I honestly believe he would benefit from counseling. He needs to be able to get over the bullying. I know that sounds crass, it's not meant to be. It's tough carrying this anger around. Perhaps someone can guide him through this and empower him to not be a victim anymore. I know it might not seem like he has the victim mentality, but he might. I don't know what he went through. I know our family has benefited from the counseling we got when our oldest got into trouble when we moved here.

Please consider it.

I am an Atheist.
Although, just like you, I certainly would be disappointed (and a little lost) if my child came home Christian (*gasp!), I certainly hope I would support my child no matter what. It sounds like you are trying to do this (GOOD FOR YOU!), but here are some tips:

Try educating yourself (and him!) about the great possibilities of Atheism and supporting his choice by visiting the American Humanist Association.
http://americanhumanist.org/

For some perspective: Try to be happy regardless if your child chooses to believe in a religion. Just as long as they are happy and don't become a serial killer.
:-D
In other words, there are far worse things that our kids could be than Atheist, Gay or Punk Rock singers (Miley Cyrus, anyone?).
Lets just be proud that they are SMART enough to make their own choices, BRAVE enough to see those choices through, and KIND enough to not step on others' happiness along the way.

PS. Although I was raised Atheist, I chose to be Jewish, Christian, Wiccan and Unitarian at different parts of my young life. So let life be what is it, a a journey, not a destination. People grow and change, A LOT!

Good luck to you! You sound like a very loving mom!

Hi A.,

I'm dealing with the exact same thing with my daughter now. Not just a little bullying, but a lot of bullying from relatives and parents of friends. She has alway been vivacious and VERY tall and pretty and it simply got people jealous...and mean. Remember the covenant promise that God made His people. Continue to pray for him. It may take a while but when God truly reveals himself to your son, it will be irresistible grace! Everything our God does is to drive us to our knees. I'm there. I'll pray for your son as well as my daughter!

God bless,
M.

I'm sorry ... I don't really understand what you're asking. This seems to be more of a statement My teen is an Atheist!

You accept his beliefs (doesn't sound like he has any) so what is the problem?

If you want him to adopt your Christian beliefs, then your church or minister is most likely the better person to ask. He can ask questions, get the answers he is looking for, and make up his own mind.

Good luck :)