My Toddler and Our New Baby

Hi - I dont know if I have any suggestions but you are not alone in this! I have a 10 month old and a 4 year old and the 4 year old does stuff like you are talking about as well. He will do things he knows he is not supposed to do, like throw things near the baby, take things away from the baby, and when I was breastfeeding he would do stuff and he knew I could not stop him while I was feeding. We have just kept up with time outs really. I think it is a phase to get attention they are missing now since there is a new person in the home. Even though it is negative attention, it doesn't matter, it is still attention. I keep an eye on them if they are together..my 10 month old is crawling now so they will be in a room together playing but I still get nervous. Sorry I dont have more suggestions but again, I think part of it is a phase of just wanting attention.

One of the strategies, (among many - this is a difficult problem) is to get a present for your son, and say that it's from his sister. One of the strategies in the "old days" was to have a gift for the siblings from their new arrival.

Another thing that works with my daughter, tell him he's a big boy and you need his help with his little sister. Appeal to his ego. Get him to help with little things and tell him when he does help, how much you really need and appreciate his help. He could fetch something you need, or maybe put something away. Make it "we" thing. "Let's take care of your sister". If you get him busy doing something he will be less inclined to get into trouble. Explain that right now you know it's hard for him, because he used to be the only one, but later on he will have a sister to play with. My daughter is still very jealous of her sister (and she's 8). We've mitigated some of that, but it's still there.

I had a new baby just over a year ago and before we brought her home we were confindant that we wouldn't have much jealosy between our two kids. Unfortunatly, we were wrong. My son (3) did the same things that yours is doing. He even slapped her when he thought I wasn't looking! I asked for advice on Mamasource and got pretty much the same answers. Don't leave them alone together (duh) and that it will eventually go away. It does I promise. We still have our little issues but for the most part it stopped when he let him get involved with her. He helped pick out her clothes and brought me diapers etc. Once he got to help and not just be an outsider he slowed down of the attention getting things. By the way, congratulations on the new addition.

I'd get him a doll to call his own baby.. see if you can find a boy baby doll . Just before you nurse her.. get a few interesting books for him to look at and ask him if he will read them to you while you nurse.. or pop in a video a time or two, alternate activities each time you nurse i.e. book this time, video next, coloring the next, etc. and rotate it to keep the activities interesting and "new". There are times that no matter what you do .. a child will still feel some jealousy and he/she will eventually outgrow this phase. Help him to "own" his little sister.. "Look, your baby sister is looking at you - smiling at you" and so on.

Be aware that he may set back on potty training too... My son was 3 when his first sister came along.. and he did just this. Be patient.. and just put him back in diapers... don't make too big of a deal out of it. If it gets him attention... he may purposely fail to go in the potty... so make it HIS choice when he wants to go back to being a big boy.

so the main idea is to distract him and.. as you already have some of the idea.. alternate behaviors.. "hugs.. not hits" and have him "help" you with her.. like getting a diaper or the baby wipes.. a burp cloth when you are nursing etc.

Hello,
I certainly don't have experience personally being a mom of multiples. But I remember my mom telling me something she did with my older brother when I was born. When she was nursing me, she would have my brother sit by her and she would read a book to him while she breastfed. That might help with the problem while you're breastfeeding. As for the hard touching, and throwing problem, I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do because I don't have first hand experience. I do know that it is important to be firm with them, but you are probably already doing that. He needs to know that it isn't okay, but one thing I've noticed with my daughter is that she usually misbehaves to get attention. I send her to her room and don't give her attention. After a while I will go in and explain to her why she got sent to her room and that it isn't okay to act that way.
Finally, I hope for your sakes that this is just a phase. Once he gets used to baby that he will protect baby instead of trying to act out. I hope you guys get it figured out. Maybe let us all know how it works out and what you did, because I think a lot of parents of multiples struggle with this. Good luck.

Hi, When my second was first born and I needed to nurse, I would invite my older son (then 2 1/2) to come sit right with us and read a book. It was definitely less comfortable to try to nurse and cuddle my 2 1/2 year old at the same time, but I think he appreciated being involved and it kept him out of trouble! Good luck!

Every time you have to do something like change the baby, heave a HUGE sigh and say something like "Jocelyn, I sure wish you could be more like your big brother Zane and could go pee pee in the potty."

When the baby starts fussing to be fed or changed, heave a huge sigh and say "Jocelyn, I KNOW you are very hungry but you have to wait because I want to finish reading Zane this book (or, I want to give Zane a big kiss."

This worked like a charm when my almost-three year old got invaded by his baby brothers. He absolutely LOVED it when I told the babies that he did something well, or told the babies they would have to wait while I did something with him.

Postive reinforcement is the way to go, I think. Also, my oldest has his own space that his brothers are not allowed in. It worked like a charm in my house. We didn't have any jealousy issues.

I had/have this same problem with my two. My oldest was 3 when my son was born in 06. It took a few months but with patience and persistence of both myself and daddy about gentle touching and special times spent with her and only her it eventually stopped. This was temporary in that there will always be sibling jealousy and it is a huge adjustment even a year later for her to go from being an only child with all the attention to having to share. However, she is also a "little mommy" more often than not since he has gotten old enough to eat like her and participate in almost everything with her. Perhaps it'll just take some time for your two as well? best of luck!

Unfortunately, I don't have personal experience with this but a bunch of my friends are all going through it and have had some of the same issues. Nursing has been the biggest challenge to keep the older one happy. One idea is to have a basket of toys that only come out during nursing (and change them up so there's something new or something that hasn't been seen for a while). That really helps with one of my friend's toddlers. Good luck!

I went through the same thing, and am still going through it in some ways....
one time when my baby girl was just a few weeks old and my toddler boy was just 2 he was showing her toys and talking to her (she was in her carseat right next to me) he out of the blue hit her hard across the face with his toy. Needless to say he got a spanking (The only time I use this type of correction is in a serious injury situation). He never did it again but he still was often too rough for her and we NEVER left them alone together. I believe this is normal behavior but it cant be allowed. If he can not touch the baby gently he cant touch her without your help. If he cant leave her alone while nursing he has to be in his playpen,room,timeout chair etc. It is (i believe) very important to not let him get away with this behavior but too much attention in the way of yelling and struggling with him will only give him the attention he wants. My son hated being sent to his room so after a few times of that he improved his behavior. Maybe if you put in a special movie watched only during nursing time or brought out a special toy during that time to distract him. I also did the one on one with my boy and believe it really helped in alot of ways. Its a challange but it will get better. My toddlers still fight alot (3 and 1) and constantly need a referee but isnt as breakable as she used to be. We work on playing together, sharing, and being gentle. When one hurts the other even by accident hugs and kisses are required. While it might not seem like its working now, the benifits will show later. Good Luck, Jen
p.s. they do get along some times, and like to hold hands when we go for walks which is super cute

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, it is really hard b/c it doesn't fit the picture you were hoping to have of loving siblings and/or if all of your friends siblings love babies and had no trouble adjusting.

My oldest was a similar age and I think in some ways the older they are, the harder it is for them b/c they are used to having you all to themselves and then the little "invader" comes and takes you (the most important thing in the world to them) away.

There is a book "Siblings without Rivalry" that I thought was really really helpful in how to assist the oldest. It gave me a much better understanding of how they really suffer and what it is like for them.

For us, there was no magic wand. It just took time (not the answer you wanted to hear I know). We tried lots of positive reinforcement for big kid behaviors, for kind behaviors, the present idea, alone time etc, but it was a tough transition (and still is on some days).

I just tried to make sure that they were never alone together and to reinforce the message that it was ok not to like the baby (and honor the negative feelings) but to try to reinforce the message that hurting is not ok.

My husband also used it as a time to connect and bond a little more with the eldest and take her out of the house and do 'big kid' projects/adventures when he was around. I think sometimes the reduction in stimulation (being away from baby/crying etc) was helpful too.

We also tried to make sure that oldest got lots of attention from visitng friends/family/strangers who all want to talk about how cute the baby is, but often ignore the special big brother.

We also tried a special mom/oldest date of their choice once a week (away from baby-use dad or babysitter to watch youngest) if the oldest earned enough tokens (from kind hands - catching them doing gentle behaviors or chosing not to hurt).

Hope that knowing you aren't alone helps, but I think your best bet it to start w/ the book. Good luck!!!!

Everyone who has more than one child has dealt with this problem. I understand that you don't want your first born to feel left out or even jealous, no one does, but this is a fact of life - a lesson in life. Most of us have siblings and a lot of us grow up and consider our siblings our best friends. I'm sure that it may be a good idea to make your oldest feel extra special during the "invasion" of a new baby into his or her life. The oldest child simply needs to know that there is enough love to go around for as many kids as you decide to have. Throwing toys or patting too hard purposely should not be tolerated in the least and boundaries need to be set, even if it causes jealousy and resentment. Your oldest will get over it, trust me. Sometimes when my oldest is mad at her younger brother she will blantly ask why I had another child. And everytime my answer is for you, which is the honest to God truth. I would have been happy with one, but I wanted her to have someone to be close to who shares the same memories and life struggles. I know your children will grow up, having learned that jealousy gets you nowhere, and none of this will matter because they will have each other.