Nanny Needs an Advice About Disciplining Kids.

There are parents who dont' believe in any type of discipline. As a parent of a 15 and 11 year old, and someone who works in an elementary school, I can tell you that these parents are not doing their kids any favors.
Some parents remember harsh punishments of their own childhood and want to spare their kids that, but punishment is different than setting rules and boundaries, teaching manners and having consequences.
Sometimes working parents do not want to spend the short amount of their day that they have with their kids disciplining them, they want it to be all fun time (kind of like the "weekend dad" in a divorce). My own husband used to complain if the kids were on punishment when he came home.
The parents have made it clear that they do not want you to instill rules or discipline, so you must decide whether you want to keep working for these people, because it is their decision to make even if you really do know better!
If this kid is 3 1/2, he'll be starting school pretty soon and these behaviors wont' be tolerated there, the parents are just making this more difficult. This is the type of child who won't be invited back to a 2nd playdate or the extended family will stop inviting them to events because no one will want this kid with his rudeness and bad behavior around. You can hope that maybe the grandparents willl say something to the parents and they'll listen.

Bring it up again with the parents that you believe you are an extension of them and you believe he should be disciplined or at least have some structure and come to a compromise as to what they are ok with. Give them a list of suggestions and let them choose which one they are comfortable with. Also provide some structure for the child so that he has a routine instead of just play, etc. That way, even if you cannot reward for good behavior, you are teaching him discipline in the form of a schedule. I think they might be concerned about over indulging the boy with stuff he doesn't need, and "spoiling" him, so just come together with them and discuss what is acceptable and what is not. The chart being on the fridge may not necessarily be that they are against the reward system, it could mean they just don't want that stuff on their fridge. So try suggesting putting it somewhere else, in his room or whatever. Also, he is just 3, so positive re-inforcement and redirection goes a long way instead of "treating" him with stuff. Hope that helps

I am a teacher and all students have different rules in school than at home. Sometimes we deal with children whose parents never discipline them. the adjustment period for these poor children is very hard but they learn that school (or preschool) is different than home, especially if the teacher is very consistent. Obviously we teachers cannot change the parents. All we can do is provide consistent rules and appropriate consequences and let kids know we like them and want whats best for them. It sounds like you are spending a LOT of time with these kids and you must discipline. If he says Mommy lets me... say there are different rules when you are with different adults. It will make your job easier and make his adjustment to school easier some day. Read books about appropriate discipline for his age group, it will help you and reassure you that you are doing the right thing. You can do it without the parents help it will just be harder. They are tired at the end of their work day and just want to relax and enjoy their kids , not fight or discipline(I'm NOT not saying they're doing the right thing). If the parents give you a hard time for discipling their precious darlings, try to reassure them how much you love their kids, give them lots of positive feedback, you don't have to tell them he screamed about watching tv or had a tantrum at the park, they weren't there and cant help with that but do tell them Something he did well that day maybe he remembered to say thank you or was nice to little sister or picked up his toys so well (even if you forced him to do it) Author Dr. Karp says give positive feedback thru the side door --act like your only telling the parents but really your making sure he hears it. We believe what we overhear (if someone compliments your blouse are they just being nice but if you accidently over hear it.....) He will begin to think of himself as good and maybe, just maybe, the parents will begin to take pride in his manners and good behavior and get on board (after you've done the hard work) Many parents eventually thank preschool or Kindergarten teachers for civilizing their kids (yes they should have done it their selves but felt incapable)

They clearly asked you for help in the discipline area, so they know they lack the skills on their own. It's going to be up to you. You sound like a very sympathetic and understanding person, not wanting to seem judgemental toward them or step on their toes so to speak. BUT this family needs you to be honest with them. You can do it in a gentle loving way. But get up the courage to sit down with the parents and tell them a system of discipline needs to be put in place. Tell them this is your philosophy, this is where you are coming from and this is how you do things, that it is best for the kids. Explain that the more they are on board with it, the better the childrens behavior will be for them.. Tell them that if they don't, the child will learn he only really has to listen to you and soooner or later the childs behavior will worsen with them to the degree that it improves for you, since children test boundaries and learn what they can get away with with who. If they get on board, little by little, great. If not, just be confident and consistent in what you're doing. And everyday as much as you can keep telling them what went on and how you handled it and how it turned positively in the end so to teach them, the parents, by example. I agree with Sandy L's advice as well, they can learn to adjust to two separate styles of discipline.

Well , you need to be prepared to go get another job. BUT I would first talk to the parents .... maybe they haven't really gotten the message.... They also need to learn that children that act out in school are kicked out of school.
The school-system is not a free nanny-service... and will never fill the parenting gaps.
So if they just think they need to get through the current time-period , until they can get the kid in school... they are in for a big disappointment.
1) school doesn't fix it .... and
2)the kid doesn't outgrow the behavior.

They are paying you to help them. If they do not cooperate with proper nannying, you cannot do a good job... and in a year or two... when it's a big mess... they'll still blame YOU for it.
So speak up now..and do the right thing. Even if they don't always follow all the same rules, at least your disciplining will get those kids in line when you are around.
I don't see how you can think this is a great job. They obviously have not respected your actions so far....

Parents like that make my skin crawl...yes, misbehaving is "natural" but if children don't learn boundaries, they will turn into raging maniacs. This is your job, this is what you choose to do for 40-50 hours a week. You cannot let this little guy misbehave and get away with it, he needs to learn some respect. And I cannot believe they took your star chart down...that is one of the craziest, saddest things I've ever read. I would definitely sit and have a chat with them about this and if they don't budge, try to find a new job. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable watching this boy be destroyed by neglectful parenting.
Lynsey

You need to sit them down and have a meeting about your concerns and frustrations. You need to be clear to them that you want to support their ideas for disciplining (btw use the word CONSEQUENCE). Stop cleaning up after the kid! Quietly refuse to allow the child to do anything until he picks those toys up! Talk to him quietly and lovingly but clearly explain that certain behaviors are not tolerated, like screaming at you. I recently had an opportunity to watch my friends children - 3 boys 11-6. The youngest one was so rude and refused to pick up his toys etc. He told me he didn't have to listen to me etc. (I have over 30 years in the classroom and was a tad frustrated b/c these are friends!) Finally I told him he couldn't play a video game until he did the chore. He is only 6 and he was stubborn...but in the end he did it. I just kept explaining that everyone has responsibility to do their work, every time he asked to play, I repeated it firmly...he did it after almost 90 minutes! When I told mom , she just kept telling me how he does this (refuses to pick up toys). I never asked how she gets him to do it so I am assuming she lets him get away with it. Needless to say, I will not be watching them ever again until they tell the kids a few things! Make yourself clear and if they really want you there they will work with you! God Luck

I would bring it up. Ask them what kind of methods they would like you to use. If they don't have an answer save yourself and get a new job, well I would. I can't stand to be around undisciplined children. Hope this works out for you.

Kids are very good at figuring out what works for them and what the real (not stated) boundaries are. You can set rules for behavior when you are in charge and follow through with that.