Need Advice for Dealing W/ Stubborn 2 Yr Old

Hi K. ,

I also have an almost 2 1/5 year old boy whose speech is almost non existant and I just recently voiced my concern to his mother and recommended the screening through the parents as teachers program. She was very receptive and thanked me for my care and concern for her sons development and said she is going to look into it.

S.

Well, this is an easy one. You can't just get a 2 1/2 year old boy to do anything you want, talking or otherwise. Having said that let's move on. Ask yourself how bad do you want to watch this boy? Okay, now, you are going to have to go back to when your kids were little and find out what you would do if it was your own kid. Personally, I think you and the little boy just need to develop your own relationship and way of communicating. However, be careful not to make it exclusive so that the parents are left out. You may think he is behind from other boys his age, but every child, boy or girl, develops differently. To me he is perfect. At 2 1/2 he is really only a baby and can only develop as far as his boundaries at home allow him. But he is with you, not his folks, so be patient with him as if he were a brand new kid and just show him what to do and speak to him in simple and pleasant language. Read to him! After a while I think you may see that he will start saying things on his own. Right now he is feeling pressure from you even though you may not be actually putting any on him, he senses it. So smile at him alot and let him know he is just fine whether he talks or sings or drools! And focus on things that he is drawn to, like a favorite truck or stuffed animal, and use them as a centerpiece for play and discussion.

i want you to know i understand the frustration of dealing with a child that does not talk or not well at least. but my advice goes with Jan M. some children can be hard of hearing. my son is now almost 5 and when he was a baby he had alot of ear infections. when he was about 18 months old he had tubes put in his ears. the doctors told us he would start talking when he was ready. let me tell you it was only about 2 weeks after that we couldn't keep him quiet. it was because he could not hear well. i would talk to the parent about his medical history. just hang in there. i hope you the best of luck.

K.~

First of all, I complement you for having the heart to try to help this little boy. If he's not speaking at 2 1/2, I think he may have a developmental delay. As his caregiver, I believe you have a responsibility to inform his parents that you think he could potentially need to be screened to make sure he is on target with speech. Now is the time to catch it if he does have a problem.

If his family is involved with the Parents as Teachers program, I would have them request a screening. If they aren't involved, they should be and this is the time of the year to get signed up as parent educator visits start in September.

Hi K.,

I've been through this myself. I am the mother of 5 children and my youngest son (#4 in the lineup) refused to talk at that age as well. He has 2 uncle's that were born deaf so of course that is the first thing that I thought of. We put him through several intensive tests for his hearing, all of which came back that he had very good hearing. It used to drive me insane that he wouldn't even use the simplest words. I did a lot of reading on the subject and talked to his pediatrician, a psychologist at church and any other professional that I could think of. All of them told me the same thing, "He'll talk when he's ready." They also asked me to look at all the things in his life that were controlled by other people, and that perhaps his not talking was his way of having some kind of control over something.

I did listen to all they were saying, but having had 3 older chhildren that talked, a LOT I should add, it still didn't seem normal to me that he didn't talk. I worried about it, I tried everything under the sun to get him to talk and finally I just gave up.

A few weeks after I gave up trying to get him to talk he began saying little words, "yes" "no" "ok" but that was about it, always just 1 word.

Just before his 4th birthday, we were driving to my parents house, about 4 hours from home. For once the other 3 kids were being pretty quiet, playing with game boys or coloring while I drove. All of a sudden, from the back of the van I hear a little voice say, "The moon is 2 million miles from the earth." I asked him how he knew that and he said, "Nova" (his favorite show). At that point he began telling me all about the moon, then volcano's, then anything else he could think of to tell me that he'd learned from Nova. I thought the kid would never stop talking!

He starts the 5th grade this year, he's in a class for "gifted" children and doing just fine. And, over the years I have wished a thousand times that I'd never pushed him to start because talking soon became the thing that got him in trouble as he was eager to share all the things he knew with anyone willing to listen, and it really got annoying.

My point is, all this time that I was worried that he wasn't talking he'd been learning a skill some people NEVER learn. He'd been learing to LISTEN. So, maybe the fact that the little boy your referring to isn't talking yet isn't really something to be so concerned over.

I would be concerned about a hearing problem. My daughter had fluid in her ears (behind her ear drums) that her regular doctor could not see. A specialist found this out after my insisting that there was a problem (she was 2 1/2 and still only making a few sounds). She seemed to understand me, but yet did not talk. It was discovered through a hearing test that she had pretty limited hearing. She had learned to read lips (the best possible at that age). We got tubes in her ears and the fluid sucked out and within days she was talking much much better. Two years later and I can't get her to shut up. We still have speech therapy through her preschool to help with some sounds.

I wish as a mom that someone would have told me that they had heard about this happening to someone else. I do not think the parents should feel offended in any way. I think they would feel lucky to have someone watching their child that truly cares enough to notice.

Good luck. C.

A non-talking 2-yr-old is a very stressful thing for all involved. I know because I am mother to one. He has been involved in the FirstSteps program since before he was two for his speech and sensory issues. He is 2 1/2 now, and finally has words to express himself, and is a much happier little boy. The parents of the boy you watch are not doing their son any good by letting him get by on grunts and body language. They may know what he wants, but a caregiver (you) obviously would not know what he means. It is in the best intrest of the child to get him speaking now, so I would suggest to the parents to call either Parents as Teachers or directly to FirstSteps and have him evaluated. If their feelings are more important than their son's well-being, I feel bad for that child.
Meanwhile, do not give in to anything he grunts at you. Make him speak. I have had to do this with my son, and it is soooo hard, but it is already paying off. And don't let his older sister talk for him either. I would believe it when the sister says he doesn't talk; his parents probably don't want to admit that their child won't speak. I strongly recommend the FirstSteps program, but it's only through the age of three, and then they transition into another program, so the clock is ticking. The earlier this boy gets help, the better. Good luck, and hang in there. My heart goes out to both of you!
J.

I am only speaking from personal experience here, but...My middle son was not even 2 when he was diagnosed with autism. The main problem we were having with him was, that he didn't talk. He didn't say one word. I had people and friends and fmaily tell me, "he will talk, just give it time..so and so didn't talk until they were 3..." and on and on. But he had other signs as well. He wouldn't play with toys in appropriately. If he picked up a toy car, instead of "driving" it on the ground he would turn it over and just spin the wheels. He seems VERY stubborn and unwilling to deviate from anything that he was doing. He didn't interact with other kids in a "normal" fashion unless they were running around. on the other hand he loved adults, was very happy, and could get what he needed with his body language. When we took him to the Dr. and got him diagnosed he was 22 months. EVERYONE we have come in contact with, who is knowledgeable on the subject said it was the best thing we could've done for him. Most children with autism are not diagnosed until the age of 3. This is probably because of well wishing people that say "oh, it will come" and the fact that a lot of autistic behaviors look like typical toddler behaviors...just a little off. Try taking notes throughout the day. Does he make eye contact. Notice how he interacts with others and write it down. Notice how he gets what he wants or when he uses words and write it down. Notice if he gets "stuck" on an activity and how he reacts to deviating from it, and write it down. Present your finding to the parents. If you find something that concerns you then give them the phone #'s to doctors or first step programs in your area. See if you can get him to do a couple of simple signs for you...make a game of it. If after really taking notice it seems he is just being stubborn, then that may be all it is. (Toddlers are buggers like that) If he does end up having some sort of PDD then it will take careful searching to find the key to unlock his potential. But, there is hope. My son is 4 now and starting his second year of early childhood classes, he is talking and playing, and doing really really well. And I credit this to phenomenal teachers, therapists, and my willingness to not listen to everybody elses advice and go with my heart. The sooner you get them help the better off they will be.

Kudos for your attempts to help him. As a speech therapist specializing in working with young children, I strongly suggest you speak to his family in the gentlest terms possible regarding a screening for a developmental delay.

Children with communication delays may appear to be stubborn, lazy, willful, or the result of poor parental expectations, but true delays are never the result of these issues....if they were, stubborn, "lazy," willful children of poor parents would never talk as well as they do. Even if any of these were going on and causing the problem, it would take all of about a month of therapy to solve it. This looks like a real problem, which is no one's fault, but which could benefit greatly from appropriate intervention.

Best of luck as you pursue this. It's never a comfortable talk when you have to bring this up with parents, but if you are relaxed about it and handle it delicately and in a non-blaming way, I think you'll be glad you did. He needs you to bring this up.

G.

My nephew was the same way. My sister would try to wait him out, but it would end with both of them frustrated. He was very good at getting his point across with body signals and facial expressions. It turns out that he has aprazia, which is where he understands the words, but he doesn't know how to make the sounds to talk. You should mention it to his parents as something to think about checking for. My nephew started speech therapy when he was about 2 1/2 and very quickly picked up words. He's 3 1/2 now and talks almost as good as any other child his age.

You've got to "let this go." Honestly, children will speak when they are ready and there is not one particular time frame that works for every child. If you want to get him to talk the best way is to talk a lot and to actually say out loud what you want him to say...And, quite frankly, if it is driving you crazy too much, maybe you shouldn't watch him anymore. I don't mean to be too extreme, but I had an in home daycare for years and I do know that sometimes some kids did "drive me crazy." But now that I'm older and wiser I know that unconditional love is the only route to go to elicit change, especially in child that is not your own. I mean think about it...his mama is gone all day and you become his everything while she is gone. So love him, talk to him a lot, be patient and pray! The only other thing I would check out is whether his hearing is okay...stand behind him and clap and see if he turns. Or whisper his name right behind him. I have watched children who were hard of hearing, and they adapted to their environment so no one knew. Good luck.

I was worried with my son and then my grandson when they were late talkers. They both didn't say much until around 2 1/2, but when they did start talking, it was phrases and then sentences soon after that. My husband and the pediatrician both told me when he starts talking it will probably be sentences and it almost was from the start. I wouldn't worry. All children are different and he will start when the time is right for him. Being around other children will help because he will learn from them, copy them and want to be able to communicate with them. Good luck.
B.