Need Advice on Helping My Two Children Through a Traumatic Time

As someone who breastfed and co-slept I have never understood the worry about where a child sleeps. We often played musical beds - starting in one, but not a big deal if we ended up in another one, we saw it as the fun of being a family.

As you know she is going though a difficult time. She may need the extra comfort and security of being near someone. For us it was never an issue, he could go to sleep in his bed or the main bed ... he knew where we were in the night if he wanted to change ...

Personally, let her sleep where she wants - if she wants to be in your bed, enjoy the cuddles as you learn to sleep with her, it WILL NOT be forever, its just getting her though a difficult time and she may go though it better knowing that extra level of security is there ...

She has been moved from ?the only home she has known? into different locations ... she may see being in the crib?cot security -settled something that is not changing. Hoarding food can be again a sign of comfort and security - her home was damamged she may be worry that that is going to go too.

Personally I would say comfort and cuddle (if she is that type of child) at any extra possible time and talk things though - its not forever ... just until the house gets better. Maybe that you would be worried if it had happened to you as a little girl etc etc

HTH

Hi,
I am so sorry for you loss. In 1992 we had a house fire and our daughters were 5, 3 and almost 1. We lived in a hotel for two weeks before moving into an apartment and were there 4 months while the house was torn down and rebuilt. Our three year old internalized a lot of things instead of acting them out as your daughter is. What was suggested for us was to have the two older girls draw pictures or make a book telling the story of what happened. At three they can't verbalize or even understand what they're upset about. They need a lot of reassurance, hugs, verbal reassurance etc. They also sense our stress, and what you are going through is extremely stressful. You'll need to pick your battles and decide where it is most important to set down rules and where you can let some things go. Your children's safe and secure world has been turned upside down and yours. It might be best to seek some counseling to help your children process what has happened. If you want you can e-mail me off-line.

Ginnyg
Mother of three daughters, 21, 19 and 17.

I recommend you and your children see a crisis counselor. First and foremost, if you haven't already been in contact with the Red Cross, I'd start there. The Red Cross, often helps families who've endured catestrophic loss such as natural disasters, and even fires. The Red Cross is often only associated with world events like Katrina or the S.E. Asian Tsunami, but they have local chapters that provide shelter, food, and crisis counselors, which it sounds like what you and your children desperately need right now.

If the Red Cross doesn't work out for you, try Catholic Charities, Lurtheran Social Services or your church or synogogue if you belong to one. They often have connections and good social services resources, including mental health services.

In the interim of finding crisis counseling do not deny your childs needs during this critical time. I'm sure you know she's not really misbehaving, just try to keep in mind she's too young to communicate her feelings and fears and it's coming out in inappropriate ways. Remind your son of this also, so he doesn't take her attacks personally. Your daughter is clearly full of fear and uncertainty about her safety and well-being and is in defense mode.

If she needs holding, hold her tight and add kisses too. If she needs to be in a crib and it makes her feel safe, just forget the crib and cuddle her in your own bed instead. You're so right, this IS a really traumatic thing for a child to go through. I suspect your older child is suffering too, but is probably a little better equipped to manage his feelings because he's older. But he's probably needing extra attention too but just isn't talking about it.

The effects of something like this could be lasting for all of you. You are all still in shock, and after the shock wears off, will really need some type of intervention beyond the physical stuff like housing.

I know finding the extra energy and patience to help your children right now has to be incredibly difficult and overwhelming. Especially when you need a hug, comforting and words of assurance too.

I suspect you are in crisis too (not just physical but psychologically speaking)and will be for sometime. And finding the ability to comfort your family while trying to find a place to live and figure out the next step must feel monumental. Just do the best you can muster. Look for added support for yourself in the process.

If possible, perhaps see if you have a close relative the children can stay with for some sense of stability until you find a new home and give you more freedom to focus on the day to day details of getting your life back in order.

Perhaps send the to a grandparent's house or an aunt/uncle with children would be great, as this might take their mind off their troubles for a while, and they'd be in familiar surroundings. Especially if you think you'll be in this situation when school starts. Maybe they can stay with the relative during the school year if you think it will take that long to recover.

While figuring out the next step is important, and despite the less than perfect living situation, I think right now it's really important that you all step back each day and make quiet time so that you and your family can regroup, vent, comfort, coddle and cuddle. Your families mental well-being depends on it.

I'll you keep you in prayer. Keep us posted.

Sorry to hear about your situation, but thank God no one got physically hurt. You are completely right to view this as a very traumatic thing for your children. Home is a sacred, safe spot for them and their's has been removed in a very sudden and scary manner. Quite honestly, I would say that you should get involved in family counseling so that you can gain insight into how to deal with this together. I do think outside help is needed for your daughter. I would think that in this situation any security you can provide your children is best. Therefore, for the time being, let her sleep in the crib, etc. The children I have known of who hoard food often do so because they are scared and insecure-victims of trauma, neglect, etc. Hoarding is a way to protect themselves. I don't think she's trying to be selfish, just protected. Keep assuring her as much as possible. When you find food, remind her of where it belongs and maybe have her help you bring it there and remind her as well that it's there if she needs it. Whatever you chose to do, consistency is going to be key. Kids feel safe with structure and routine. Do the best you can to get back to routines. Things may settle down some when you are into a rental home that is 'yours.' I wish you the best and will keep praying for you. I've always believed that we are not dealt situations we can't handle and so you will get through this, too as hard as it is. Stay strong.

First let me say how sorry I am for what you are going through and I hope things get back to normal as soon and as smoothly as possible. Because I have never been in the situation, I will just pass on what I read and heard was the most beneficial advice given to Katrina victim on parenting their children through crisis.

Children need predictability and stability and routine as much as you can give it to them. Meals, naps, bedtime - keep it the same as much as possible. Children also need their parents the same, and that means the same consequences for misbehavior the kids always get. If the boundaries on behavior get moved along with everything else, it really shakes the kids up even more.

As a parent, we want to indulge our kids, especially when something bad happens to them. It's just our parental reflex. But looking specifically at past experience, children who had the same rules, the same consequences, the same boundaries, the same expectations were able to recover much quicker than those who had their whole disciplinary system to re-navigate in addition to a new home, lifestyle, routine, etc.

I think counseling may be a very good idea. You have been given lots of good resources from other responses. And make sure that there is lots of time set aside to just sit as a family and talk, hug, reassure, prepare, etc. Keep your children in the loop with family councils and make sure they can participate and make decisions with you that are appropriate for them to make. Long term, they will benefit so much more from being empowered, not indulged.

Good luck,
S.

I am so sorry for your loss! A house isn't just a building, it's a home and a sense of security and a big part of a families life. And for a child who is too little to be reasoned with or to understand the future or reconcile changes, it is a terrifying experience. They can't understand why this won't happen again to other important things or people, while an older child can reason through it better. Hoarding is something that many children who have experienced loss naturally go through from what I understand. It's a survival instinct, kids are programed to be selfish when something like that happens to them. Your daughter may feel very insecure and is guarding against other things that she needs (like food, or mom and dad) disappearing, too. I know it might sound silly for a 3 year old, but maybe you should ask a trauma counselor who specializes in children to give you advice.

Lots of kids have trouble with phobias after something like that, and you guys are obviously doing a super-human job normalizing things for the kids since isn't that to deal with on top of everything else! All of this stuff is totally normal.

People who do trauma work with children have told me that keeping a routine helps kids feel normal in aftermath of a loss. Try hard to keep a routine, especially one that has some elements of their old life at your house. Even starting a new routine such as two one-on-one visits a week to Grandma, or a playground or playgroup, might help (depending on your resources). Good luck and I hope you get into a new house soon!

Now that the world doesn't feel safe for your three year old, she is bound to act out. Safety is the foundation of a happy life. At the age of three, she is already starting to question the world she knows (this is what makes 3 such a "terrible" year).

You need to reassure her daily about her fears and how safe the world is. Ask her what she is afraid of today (or at this moment) and find a way to make that very thing safe... "The sky is safe because the clouds are gathering water for rain to bring to the farms for our food..."

Everything around her has a reason for being - including the sky. There are more good/safe qualities to all of these things than the trauma they can inflict in a moment now and then.

Take every opportunity to tell her that she is safe - especially at bed time. If you believe in God, let her know that everything is made by God to be safe for everyone.

Once she is reassured that YOU know she is safe, she will start to calm down. Then, don't believe that all of her behavior is about this incident. Three is the hardest age a child will go through until the teen years arrive. Try to enjoy it - or just go to the calendar and mark off the days until her fourth birthday arrives and you can enjoy her again.

Wow, I really feel for you guys! My gut says to indulge everything you can possibly put up with. She seems to need reassurance and is clearly traumatized by the whole thing. Being 3 yrs old is hard enough (on her and you), I can't imagine your stress level right now :( In order to be the most loving and reassuring family as possible, make sure you get some stress relievers for yourself, whether that's a good book or taking turns with your partner re: kids' bedtime needs, etc. Once you are living in a more permanent home, slowly reintroduce expectations. Right now it's kinda like being on vacation, some rules of everyday living with kids just have to go out the window... Be gentle but consistent re: food, only when it comes to things like her taking from her brother (hoarding is such a natural reaction to uncertainty, almost instinctual) It's late, I hope something from my rambling is helpful to you. Best of luck!

L.

I can't imagine having to go through that--and while I don't have any great advice, I wanted to let you know I'll be praying for you and your family.

You may need to consult your pediatrician, but in the meantime do some reading on stress in children. I would indulge things like needing to sleep in a crib or near someone. She's too young to realize that a lightening strike and fire are longshots and she'll probably never experience something like that again. All she knows is that the fragile safety of her world was broken and now she's living in someone else's house. Nothing is as it should be and she's angry. Allow her some anger, talk her through it with lots of love and hugs and stand firm on the things that matter like being kind and sharing. Where she sleeps, what she eats, or what she wears are secondary to rebuilding her sense of security. But that cannot happen at the expense of others - so you have to retrain her to be nice. If she was always high strung and argumentative then this is just an extension of her previous state and needs to be addressed (read What the Bible Says About Child Training by Fugate) but if this is new behavior for her, then it's most likely related to her sense of fear and helplessness over what happened and you must rebuild trust with her. Rebuilding a home after catastrophic damage is a time consuming and frustrating event, but rebuilding your family is far more important so remember that and act accordingly.

SAHM of seven, we survived a house fire and five months of living elsewhere with five kids and a traveling husband. It can be done!

Here's what I don't know: what it is like going through what you are in. I have never raised a son.
I will offer this, from my days parenting a daughter, however:
YOU AS PARENTS NEED TO SIGNAL TO YOUR CHILDREN THAT you are in charge. They need limits, instructions, talking, and understanding. IF the acting out continues -- they need consequences. if impossible, get a good psychologist involved. This is just too important to gloss over. But, they are watching you very closely. HOW you handle yourselves is critical. If you relent when there are tantrums, you are asking for tantrums. If you let bad behavior rule, you will get more of it. The parents need to be the leadership. Children will push limits, test, want to be needy. . .because it gets the job done. IT gets attention.
That is the setup - the reward is the 'trying everything to satisfy the child'. Trauma is over. They need to know that this is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and that it is not still going on. That means, reassurance. They also need to know that ongoing upheaval is not acceptable, and will not be continuing. That's where you come in and be the parents. Children frequently mirror the mood of the household. Allow the children to get thoroughly tired out by long physical walks outdoors, or play that makes them sleep at night. Use your resources! You can do this.

I am so sorry! I have a three year old, and I tell you that anything out of her norm makes her have a breakdown. She wants to carry her blanky, sippy cup and pink bag with her everywhere. She had favorite clothes, and gets upset with anynew ones you try to dress her in. So I could see that if she lost her favorite things to a fire or anything else how terrible the next few months would be as she got used to a new norm. Was there something in particular that she absolutely had to have to sleep with that she lost? Was there a pattern she does not have anymore? My kids have dinner, bath, book, quick show, brush teeth and bed. If we skip anything from there pattern they are a little more difficult to get to go straight down. And if she is not sleeping well that could be why she is more irritable with her brother. I would stick to what she has always been used to. Not the crib, as the sooner things get back to normal the sooner she will adjust for you to sleeping in a new place. If there was a teddy bear or something she misses, I would look to buy one that is identical to the one she misses. Molly my three year old sleeps with baby tad everynight, and we take it with to the cabin too. Best wishes for you and your family.

Does she color or talk well, can you get her to tell you what she is thinking? Maybe if you can figure out exactly what she is reacting to, you can figure out how to help her fix it.

Her behavior is actually pretty typical for a three year old though. I could have a lot of do with the fire, but at three, all of mine needed to be "dethroned." It is a normal part of development for them to figure out at this age how much power they have over bigger people. If you, out of sympathy for her, gave her extra cuddling and privileges right after the fire, she would be capable of exploiting to keep the benefits coming.

Try to down play the effects of the fire. To her, this is just a new reality and she doesn't have as much of a sense of loss. Even if the trauma really did affect her, if she sees you dealing with it calmly, she will likely do the same.

I am SO sorry to hear about your experience. This must be difficult enough on you without your daughter having so many issues now. I personally think I would get your children and maybe even you into counseling. I think this may be bigger than you can handle. I have a 3 year old and life is enough of a challenge for him without adding something like what you went through. Your 5 year old could be having difficulties as well, but internalizing them instead. Getsome professional guidance and then go from there. Good luck.

Even though she is only 3, I would suggest going to the library or online and trying to find some kid-oriented info. on lightening. The reason she is so scared is because she totally doesn't understand what happened - maybe even what lightening is. If she is able to learn a bit about it, you can also work on convincing her that it won't happen again. I know it isn't a whole truth (but really, your sanity is important here....) tell her that it NEVER strikes the same place twice and your family had it's turn. It was scary, but you are all safe and now you get to have an "adventure" in getting new things. Tell her that once she learns all about the lightening, that it will be her "job" to tell others if they have any questions - then let her do it. That transferance of power can be an amazing thing. Good luck! Check out this link I found: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/ngkids/0406/